I've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year and things are getting serious. We both have met each other's parents and there has been no problem with that. We are really close and do almost everything together. Things are going great until over week ago he told me he wanted to take a break. At first I was furious and confused because it was very unexpected. He said he loves me and cares about me a lot, but I feel that if he does then why does he want to take a break. I just couldn't understand his reasons.

He said he needs time to think about his whole life. He has been having problems with work and is not happy with his current living situation. He also said that we both need time off so that we can grow separately on our own. He said that with me, it is either marriage or no marriage and so he feels a lot of pressure. He said he wants to be in the single mode for a little while and think. During this break, he said I can grow and learn to do things by myself, be independent, and experience life.

Additionally, we see each other almost everyday and talk on the phone at least 3 times per day. Even though we've been together for almost a year, he feels that we've been together for a longer time. We also have little fights a lot of the time when we hang out, but we don't stay mad at each other for longer than a few hours. However, he said it has becoming a problem because it just seems like we fight every time we hang out. Most of the time, I tend to pick the fight because I like the attention that he gives me. I know it is wrong :o . However, I think even though we have those little fights, it shouldn't be a big thing to outweigh all the good times we share because we are really compatible and comfortable together. We both are ourselves and he and I have never been happier.

I asked him if feeling has changed and at first he said he doesn't know and need more time to think. Then I kept on asking and he just said that yeah that feeling has changed. I don't know what is his real reason or he was just saying it to make me want to end it with him. He said that if you love something, let it go, if it is meant to be yours then it will come back to you. However, I told him that I believe differently -- that if you love something, you should treasure it and keep it with good care.

I felt that his reason for wanting the break is another excuse to break up, but in an easy soft way. If it is really about his personal problems, then why can he let me still be with him to reach out to him and support him? Or if it is problems between us, then why can we work them out together? So I asked him if this break means goodbye, but he said no. He said just give him time to think. He couldn't tell me how long the break is going to be and whether he's planning on seeing others during the break, so I told him that I can't wait like that and keep on assuming we might get back together and let myself sitting there being a backup. So I told him it is either we're together or we're not. So he said if I can't wait for him, then let's break up. So we broke up and we both cried. He told me he still wants to see me and hang out, but I said no because the only way for me to move on is to forget the past and not to linger.

I went home confused about whether I did wrong thing or not because I gave him the ultimatum. For several days I spent time thinking a long time, re-evaluated myself, and sorted things out thoroughly. I came to the conclusion that I should give him time off instead of hastily ended the relationship. If I really love and care about him (which I really do! A lot too!) then I should respect his decision and let him have all the time that he needs and I should be ready to support him. He was there for me and told me he will still continue to be there for me, so I should learn to do the same because I truly love him. With more time to contemplate on my own, I came to realize that we did in fact never time to do things on our own because we are always together and it is at a point that we have had enough. I feel that he wants this break so that we can learn to do things by ourselves, and see if we're still happy doing things alone because not everything has to be done together. Also, I believe that he needs time off to re-evaluate our relationship to see if he wants to take it to the next level (the long term, the commitment, and possibly marriage). Because everything happens so quickly with me, so he needs to make sure that he is doing the right thing. I feel that even if you love someone dearly, sometime you can be confused about whether that person is "the one" that you want to spend the rest of your life with, so you must evaluate and put the relationship into a test to validate the true love you have for that person. In addition, we can learn to evaluate ourselves too. Doing so help us prevent problems down the road and make our relationship much stronger, because we both will learn our strength and weaknesses, what we did wrong or right, what we should learn to do and not to do. This break can allow both of us to think about the relationship from an outside view without the distraction and drama of being together. I want to see how much we actually really love one another. Even though I have the belief that if we love something, we should keep it, the thought of letting it go and it will come back if it is meant to be, also makes sense.

So with those thoughts in mind, I came to him for a talk and told him what was on my mind, why I acted the way I did, and my reasons for accepting the break. It was a really good talk because we open ourselves up to one another. He told me of things he doesn't like when I act or behave certain ways -- he's never told me of them and I don't realize that I do them either, I guess it's my natural tendency. I was very happy because we are actually learning to communicate to each other better! I asked him again for the time frame of the break, but he is still unsure so I told him that he can take as long as he wants and I am ready to support him. However, when we're back together I want an answer because I don't want there will have to be more breaks in the future. We then talked about what we can or cannot do during the break. We agreed that there cannot be sex with other people. However, he said that we can go out on a date (like dinner) with other persons. I didn't want to, because I feel like I will be losing him permanentally if he really likes the new girl(s). He said this break is meant to mainly help me to experience life and be on my own because all that I've been doing are just focusing work and hanging out with him. And for him, the break is not about seeing new people. Nevertheless, I agreed because taking this break means BOTH of us are taking a big chance -- what if I meet someone else new and like that person. We agreed that we won't see each other, but we can talk on messenger or use emails (but shouldn't be done regularly). He also mentioned that we can go out for coffee sometime, but I think that I should play hard to get and don't ever contact him unless he does it first. I want to show him that I can be on my own and still be happy. I plan on meeting up with him only if he asks to revisit and talk about what to do with our relationship. If it is not the case, then I should say I have plans and such, because meeting up for a hang out/coffee doesn't help support the point of "taking a break." He told me he still loves me. He also told me to be strong and he will miss me and that taking this break will help him to love me even more.

We both felt so much better after the talk.

Did I do the right thing and accepted the break?

What do you think his reasons for wanting the break?

What should I do during the break? I know I will improve myself, do things for myself that I haven't gotten to do them yet, and enjoy life as if nothing is wrong to be without a boyfriend.

I shouldn't contact him right? and be strong.

I am now home and think what if this break is just so that he can learn to get over me and me to get over him so then later on he can end it easier? I'm trying to think positively that this break is meant to help our relationship and is not an excuse for a break up. Also, during our talk, he said that he doesn't plan on going out to bars with his buddies yet or seeing anyone soon. He said he wants to explore "inward" into his mind, read books because there is so much that one can simply learn from reading books... things that people make mistakes over and over again even if it was already written up. I believe that exploring "inward" is to help himself become a better person because maybe he is not happy with who he is. What do you think it means? His thinking is deep, but I will support him. It helps him, but also help me too to realize about myself.

I am also wondering what if I meet another guy and he asks me out on a date, what do I tell that guy? that I am single? or that I have a bf, but currently taking a break? I don't want to lie to the person, but at the same time I don't want to not explore because what if my boyfriend too meets someone new and likes her. I don't want to be the person left behind with all the hope that my boyfriend will come back to me. Truthfully, I love my boyfriend, he loves me and I will do anything to make our relationship work. Ultimately, he is the one that I really want to be with.

Thank you everyone for reading. I know it is long, but I greatly appreciate all your help. :)

I think your worrying too much about the future of this relationship...
You did good with excepting the break. It was going to happen whether you excepted it or not... The phrase "if you love something, you should treasure it and keep it with good care" is only meant for something that belongs to you - which he does not...
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and have been reading up on some of our "no contact" posts... Basically, you need to go on "living in the now". If you find yourself liking another person, then that's wonderful and healthy... You can't restrict yourself when it comes to meeting new people while on a break...
You should resume your life like normal replacing time spent with him for time spent on yourself (friends, hobbies, dating, etc).
If you agreed to keep contact with him, than be mature about it when he does contact you by keep your texts, emails and/or conversations away from relationship questions (notice I said when he contacts you - he's the one who wanted a break, so he will contact you if he is interested in maintaining a relationship). If he asks you out for coffee and you'd like to go, then go but keep relationship questions out of the conversation.
And yes, be strong... Going out on dates and finding interests in other people is very helpful as well. You can be honest with the people you date, but don't ramble on or talk about the relationship to your dates - big turn off.
And who knows... you may even have a change of heart and thank the day he asked you for a break...
Keep your head up and go have some fun with your life!!
-Kae

I think it's really time for you to move on. As Greg says " He's just not into you " Don't waste your time on him. Go find the right one!
-Jeannie

Did I do the right thing and accepted the break?

Yes. If you don't accept the break, you build resentment. If one person wants out of the relationship, even in the short term, that's it. You can't have a real relationship with only one willing person involved.


What do you think his reasons for wanting the break?

Only he knows for sure. People want breaks for a number of reasons... to find out if they're happier with or without the person, to slow down a relationship that they feel is going too fast, to deal with personal issues that they don't want to get their partner wrapped up in, to soften an actual breakup down the line, to consider moving to the next step. My guess from your description of the relationship, it's likely that he's slowing down the relationship that's moving quickly... if that's the case, I expect he'll come back. But, of course, I could be wrong.


What should I do during the break? I know I will improve myself, do things for myself that I haven't gotten to do them yet, and enjoy life as if nothing is wrong to be without a boyfriend.

Well... nothing is wrong with being without a boyfriend. Catch up on some reading, spend more time with your friends, take up a hobby. Travel, if you can.


I shouldn't contact him right? and be strong.

Whatever he needs from the break, he can't get it without actually having a break. Don't get in touch with him, wait for him to get in touch with you. Well, at least for a while... feel free to give him a call to say hi if you haven't heard from him at all in a couple of months.

I think its important to define a separation as different from a break up. And if it is a separation, specific problems causing it and the corresponding goals within a set time frames are important to be mutually agreed on upfront. I consider it especially unkind to ask for a separation without these important details. It shows lack of frank communication and compassionate empathy when a couple is not able to establish those. In my opinion its means the relationship is not in very good shape at all.

When my then boyfriend (who is now my spouse) and I separated, it was with the understanding that it be no longer than three months. And other than no contact, all other aspects of the relationship remained completely intact. He essentially needed time to figure out how he was allowing really toxic elements from his first marriage into our relationship. He initially thought I was being a hard one about it and blowing it all out of proportion.

When he returned less than two months later, he stood in the doorway and explained in a very level tone that he had an epiphany, that he had been pretty myopic while in the close quarters with me with all the craziness going on and he totally understood now what needed to be done. He didn't realise the wisdom of some of things I had been saying to him and that now he did when he has a chance to compare who I am with how the world is, especially the crazy people he had been with. We came back together with much greater ability to trust each other and the ex wife's plan to oust me was basically foiled. We both became so much more aware of the value of commitment and support that I also suspect that others who might have wanted to try ending us gave up right there too -- we came from such dysfunctional families.

I have to tell you that I REALLY didn't think I would see him again too -- the odds loudly whispered in my ear that I wouldn't. Also I didn't see him growing the necessary spine soon enough for us -- oh yeah, sure one day but long after I was gone. So I put off the terrible feeling it was ended each day, sticking to our terms and saying to myself over and over consider it ended on day 90 and not a day sooner. After he showed up and said what he said, you could have knocked me over with a feather.

This does not usually happen.

Thank you all for your advice! I feel so much better and I know what I will and should do during this break :)