I am 22 years old and the last 8 months I'm dating a guy a lot older than me, and when I'm saying a lot, I mean A LOT older than me. I would prefer not to reveal his exact age as there are many people out there who might be quite judgmental about it and I'm in no mood dealing with them.
Well, in a few words, he's the perfect man. I don't care about his wrinkles or his silver hair because he makes me feel like I've never felt with anyone before(Not that he is unattractive. He's quite a classy gentleman). We share the same interests and there is genuine chemistry between us in everything we do (sex included). Age is but a number to us.
Unfortunately, many (actually most) people don't see it that way.
Besides the big age gap, he happens to be quite wealthy, so that doesn't make things easier for us either. In people's minds the math goes lke this: cute,young girl + rich,older man = she wants him for his money.
But in our case, it's not like that at all. I trully love him and I never let him pay any of my expenses or give me extremely expensive gifts because it just doesn't feel right to me.
A couple of days ago he told me that he wants us to live together, which made me really happy because we'll spend more time together that way.
The problem is that his friends and family literally hate me. Even though I'm always nice to all of them and really try to get along with them and be friends, they treat me horribly. When my boyfriend is around no one dares to say a bad word about me as he is really respected by everyone but they look at me with such hate in their eyes. The worst thing is that they never bothered to get to know me. They rejected me the minute they heard my age. I've never felt more hated in my life.
I could get used to the judgemental strangers that I have to deal with pretty often but these people are different. They are my boyfriend's family and they matter to him.
I wish they could stop seeing me as a number and start seeing me as a human being but I don't see it happening.
I try not to care and I hope that they'll get used to the idea as my boyfriend tells me but there are nights that I cry myself to sleep because of this situation. I never imagined that my youth would be such a curse. I don't want to leave my boyfriend, I love him and he loves me way too much for something like that to happen. So what should I do?
What can I do to make these people at least get to know me before they reject me? And what should I do if they never change their minds on me? Get used to their hate?

First, since you are both adults, the age gap doesn't really matter.

However, you will ALWAYS have to deal with the "golddigger" label. And it may be even worse in the family. Members of his family who may have been counting on an inheritance will look at you that way. So I'm not surprised at the attitude you are getting. You should have realized this probability when you entered this relationship.

I'm not judging you, I'm explaining to you what you will have to deal with when you make a decision to enter a relationship like this. There is no way you will change anyone's feelings towards this relationship. So the only advice I can give you is to learn to live with it.

I can't think of any way to get them to like you or even be nice to you. This is a common problem. Does he have an ex wife and children? That is often the part that really drags these relationships down. The other part, as you mentioned, is money. No matter what you do they will think you are just biding your time until marriage and then take him for as much of it as you can. So it doesn't even matter if you pay your own way or not.

But I might put living together on hold and tell him why. Maybe a lot of this is his failure to read the riot act to his relatives. I hope he isn't enjoying their discomfort, and unaware of yours. You shouldn't have to tell him what to say to them, but it's basically be civil or else. That 'or else' means he drops out of their lives.

@ joypulv
Yes. My boyfriend has two ex wives and children from these marriages. He also has another child from a long term relationship when he was very young. So, you could say he has a lot of baggage. But I don't mind at all. Of course, if I had a choice, I would like to meet him earlier in his life but there's nothing we can do about it so I've dealt with it and don't mind anymore. He is emotionally over these women but he maintains a civil relationship with all of them for his children's sake. All of his kids and ex partners get along with each other. Things are pretty civil between them. I, on the other hand, am like a black sheep. None of them likes me, which is really sad because I would like to get along with them so much. Especially with his children because they are very important to him.
My boyfriend knows what's going on and this situation bothers him as much as it bothers me. He's patient for now but if this problem continues, I'm afraid things will get ugly and he'll argue with his relatives because of me. I'm scared that his children will make him choose between me and them. He tells me there's nothing to worry about but still...

@ScottGem
Golddigger isn't a title I could easily get used to. It seems very unfair to me and hurts me since it's completely untrue.
When I first met my boyfriend, I wasn't aware of his financial status, so I couldn't imagine that all of this would follow. Anyway, I suppose you're right and learning to live with it might be the only way. I know that as long as I'm with this man, we will receive a lot of judgement but I just wish there would be something I could do at least with his family.

Thank you for taking the time to answer to my problem.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I agree that love is no respecter of age; we find love at any age, sometimes with someone we least expect.

Perhaps it would be good if you would stop thinking about the age difference and how much his family seems to hate you. Is there at least one family member who is sort of okay with this, so that you could begin to make inroads into the family's affections?

When and if you are with any of his family, treat them like you would anyone or your own family and don't look for trouble or sidelong glances or rolling eyes, i.e. don't be on the defensive. Be your sweet, warm, generous self.

Just out of curiosity, how is YOUR family handling this relationship? It works the other way too -- old guy and young, beautiful woman (thinking of Hugh Hefner... ).

@Wondergirl

First of all thanks so much for your kind response and your comforting words.

I really try not to think about the age gap. In the beginning of our relationship, when I didn't know any his family members or friends, things were great. Ok, we got a lot of weird looks on the street but we never really cared what other people think. We still feel that way when we are by ourselves. But now with all those people starting this war against me affects both my mood and his relationship with them.

Right now, I'm sad to say that no one likes me. Maybe it's too early, I don't know. Maybe things will get better with time. At least that's what I hope. I think I might have a chance with his younger children, now that we'll live together and his kids will stay with us during the weekends. They'll get to know me better and hopefully like me.

Regarding your question about my family's point of view. Well, the only family members that are closer to me and their opinions matter to me is my mom and sister. My sister is younger than me and quite shallow. She is quite the opposite of me. I am very mature for my age and need stability in my life. My sis on the other hand, likes excessive partying and just having fun. So as you can imagine, I got a lot of eeewwwwwws from her.
My mom didn't agree with this relationship either. She liked him as a person but she thought that the age difference was too big. Nothing dramatic, she just expressed her opinion to me but didn't force it on me. My mom changed her opinion some time later and told me that when she saw the way I looked at him made her realise that there was nothing she could do to stop me and wished me to be happy with the man I choose.

LOL at the Hugh Hefner joke!!

Thanks for your reply. Another thing I thought of -- do you two touch each other a lot and even somewhat intimately in public (you know how it goes when you're in love and can't keep your hands off each other). If that's the case, dial it down. Be "professional" in public and with each other's family. That will reduce the ewwww factor. (You two can go at each other in private -- will mean more.)

Also, dress in a mature way without your chest hanging out of your top and showing off your cleavage to the world or wearing a skirt so short viewers can see way too much if you bend over or cross your legs when sitting. (I have a friend who does this, so when she bends over toward me -- or away from me, I can see all the way to England.) In other words, make sure you aren't giving a bad impression all on your own with your manner of dressing (low tops, too-short skirts), and not just because of the age difference.

Another thing -- avoid wearing flip-flops in public. I know they're the rage and very comfortable, but they give an impression of willful youth and carefreeness and "I don't give a rat's patooty about anyone." Sandals and open-toed shoes, okay; flip-flops, no.

Will keep thinking of how you can make inroads... (Old guys are cool and sexy.)

@Wondergirl

It's not like we make out in public. We sometimes hold hands while walking and he sometimes puts his arm around my shoulders or my waist but never in front of his family.
I also don't dress too provocatively anyway. It's just not my style.
The thing is my face looks younger than my age. I mean, without make up I look like a 14 year old. I try to look older with make up (silly, isn't it? All women try to find ways to look younger and I try to look older!)
Anyway, I see your point though. Thank you for the advices.

Find out what his family members' interests are. For instance, my mil was a nurse, so I made points by asking her questions like, "I've heard a wound will heal faster when kept moist and covered, but that doesn't seem to make sense. Is that true?" Or my brother's girlfriend made points when she asked my mom to show her how to make flaky pie crust or sew on a button properly. My future sils loved to shop (mostly window-shop), so that's how we connected. My future bil loved a certain genre of music, so I boned upon it and asked him good questions.

There's always a way to find a connection.

@Wondergirl

I totally agree with you and I see your point. The problem is that they don't let me to approach them. As I said in my post, they just don't care to get to know me. They have rejected me the moment they learnt how old I was.
The best example is his oldest daughter who was going to meet me and her dad in a restaurant. It would be the first time we would meet. She was staring with her mouth literally wide open. My boyfriend introduced us and when I gave her my hand, the first thing she said was 'How old are you?'

I'm more jaded than all the good advice about how to look and talk, even though it does have the hope of helping find that one family member who isn't set against you. To me, when a lot of money is at stake, no one, especially his children (who I assume are your age or even older), is going to be nice to you when they see their inheritance waltzing out the door. I might even say please, I can't go there for a while, it's too painful. Let him go alone sometimes.

This all comes down to one word: envy. I know I sound like a cynic, but these people are your enemies. Am I safe to assume his entire family, including children, are older than 22?

What can I do to make these people at least get to know me before they reject me? And what should I do if they never change their minds on me? Get used to their hate?
Let them keep their prejudice without knowing you, that's actually to your advantage. The more they know about you, the more of an edge they'll have.

Find out what his family members' interests are. . . There's always a way to find a connection.
I recommend you don't do this. I can guarantee if you try to make small talk with them, they'll see it for what it is: a desperate attempt to seek approval, which, puts them in a position of power. Feigning friendship or casual conversation does all harm and no good, you're better off not talking at all.

My advice: Yes, get used to their hate, envy is nearly impossible to overcome. Do you very best to ignore them—never go to them, but you can let them come to you—and always say less than necessary when talking to them, if you have to talk to them.

Remember, you're in a relationship with this guy, not his family.

@joypulv

I understand that the money is an issue for them and they might feel threatened by me but there is no reason for them to feel that way. I wish there was a way for me to show that to them.

I totally disagree with slapshot. But then, you knew that.

Joy has a good point about the money/inheritance. No matter what your age, even if you were his age, his family wouldn't like you. No one can replace dear ol' Mom. Nobody likes change. And you're a BIG change!

Now I'm dying to know how much older he is than you. But that's okay. I don't mind if you don't tell. I'll be okay. Really I will.

@slapshot_oi

You're probably right. Maybe I should keep a distance from them and let them deal with it and approach me when and if they feel ready. Most of his children are younger than me. His older daughter is older than me and she is the one who is causing the most trouble.

@Wondergirl

What is bothering me the most is that his ex partners and children all get along with each other. So, it's just me who they all are against.
I wouldn't like to reveal his age but he is younger than Hugh Hefner. LOL! Take a guess and I'll tell you if you're close. I know there are a lot of judgemental people out there. I deal with them every day. I wouldn't like to deal with them on line too.

Let me see. You didn't mention grandchildren (that I remember), so I'll guess he's in his 50s. You don't have to answer; I understand your reluctance. Men get better and more interesting as they age, in case you didn't realize that.

@Wondergirl

A little older than that.
To be honest, if there was any way for me to change time, so I could be born earlier or he could be born later, so we could spend our lives together, without dealing with all this crap, I would do it.

Actually, your biggest foe is his age and Father Time. Even though he is in good health (I hope), life catches up with a person when he's in his 50s and 60s.

Treasure him while you've got him.

@Wondergirl

I know we can't fight time. But I don't want to think about it as it will make me even more depressed. He is in perfect health and he will be around for a long long time. Ok, I really didn't need to hear that right now. Even the thought of losing him... :'-(

I'm in my 60s and know what you're saying. Make sure he gets regular checkups and takes care of himself. So many more people are living healthy and active lives into their 90s and even longer, so more power to him! (When I was little, people were lucky to make it to 65.)

I do my best. Not because he's older but because I like to take care of the people I love.

Hi Turningpages... I go along with all the previous posts.

I personnally think if you have done as much as you can to get your boyfriends family to accept you, then just let them all get on with it, its them that are making a problem, not you.Try and rise above it for yours and your boyfriends sake,after all lets face it,there is nothing that your boyfriends family would like more than to see you both break up.Don't take the bait and let this age thing cause problems between you both,which is what it will do in the end, if you don't gain control over how you feel.

You say they all hate you... I'm sure that's not the case,yes surprise would have played a huge part when you all first met,this would have been the ignitor for... the gold digger factor etc etc... I'm sure once the shock has worn off and they can see yours is a genuine love for the guy,they will turn around.

Especially if you are both seen to be very happy together.Don't let this issue play on your mind anymore, it will affect your relationship badly if you let it... don't

I wish you both... Goodluck

@ 0rphan

Believe me, they hate me. Besides their primary shock when they first met me, they are really mean to me ever since. When I'm around, they either pretend that I'm not there or they say innuendos about my age etc. Plus, they are VERY sarcastic towards me.
Anyway, thank you very much for your kind response.

I haven't read through all the posts, but I just wanted to tell you I am recently going through something similar. I recently met an older fellow, but a very, very nice man. I am in my later 20's he is in his mid 40's. He is very kind, funny and he doesn't mind moving slowly with me (I have a daughter and am not one to introduce just anyone to her). We talk everyday and we see each other frequently. He is currently working 2 hours away from where I live, so that does make things a little harder.

The difference here is I am the one who is more financially stable. Not that he doesn't have money or work, in fact he does make very good money at what he does, but being a single man with children almost the same age as me and not living at home, he felt no need to buy an elaborate home. He is modest. My problem is, his ex wife also sees me as a kid. She has sent me nasty emails and messages on Facebook. She has called me every dirty name in the book, and this relationship is not very old at all. His parents also do not approve of him hanging out with someone my age, and his friends don't respect me either. My family thinks he is using me for what I have, but never once has he given me that impression. He supports and encourages my independence while being totally romantic and chivalrous.

What I have learned is that you both need to stand up for what you think is right. If you both love each other, it shouldn't matter who approves or not. You are both adults, and in the end, it's him you will be spending your life with. You can't let these people decide yours and his happiness. Does he know how his friends and family are treating you? How does he feel about the way they act towards the situation?

Hi, Turningpages,

Gosh it's really that bad... In that case I think your boyfriend has to speak to them all,how dare they treat you in that way.

I think firstly,the two of you perhaps over a meal or similar,should have a chat.Explain what has been happening,say that you didn't really want to bring the matter up hoping it would die a natural death,but this is not the case.Tell him how you have tried very hard to ignore this but it's at the point where your really getting upset about the whole situation,mention some of the things they have been doing and saying.He may not have any knowledge of this,in which case I imagine he would be extremely angry of the affect it is having on you.

Suggest that perhaps you could have a family gathering,where you could both face the family,making your situation clear to all of them,also saying how disapointed you are in their behaviour,towards the both of you,what affects you,also affects him.

He can add various statements to his conversation.. eg.I love you all but I also love the person I am stood next to,if you cannot accept the two of us together, then perhaps it will be a case of me just sending birthday/christmas cards as apposed to visiting you all,which of coure is what I really wish to continue to do.The choice is yours etc etc...

I do think he has to stand up to his family on your behalf,this is what any proper man would do,they will continue to abuse you(because that is what it is)for as long as they can get away with it.

However,if having had your chat about the situation,completely putting him in the picture,so he knows exactly how sad and upset you've been,he then brushes it to one side... then he is not the one for you.

@ Aurora_Bell

Thank you for your response. It means a lot to me since it comes from a person who goes through a similar unpleasant situation as me and knows how I feel.
My boyfriend is fully aware of the situation, even though his friends and family don't say anything insulting to me at his presence. Basically, they pretend I'm not there and give me hateful looks. But my boyfriend knows how they feel about me because even though they don't say anything to me when he's around, because he has told them to be nice to me, they work against me behind my back. I've accidentally heard him talking with his oldest daughter about me and she was telling him to come to his senses and several things about me being after his fortune. Another thing I know for sure, is that one of his closest friends (who is around his age and single) is trying to cause trouble in our relationship by trash-talking about me behind my back and trying to hook my boyfriend up with other women! When my boyfriend is not around, they've said some very mean things to me and even threatened me to leave him alone. My boyfriend is relatively patient for now because he doesn't want to fight with his family. He's already told them he won't tolerate any bad behavior towards me and he's telling me that sooner or later his family with get used to our relationship. But as I already mentioned, they don't say anything when he's around, they wait until we're left alone and then take all their hate on me.
I think things are equally unpleasant for my boyfriend as he's between the woman he cares for and his family and is trying to keep everyone satisfied.

@ Orphan

Hi Orphan,
First of all, thank you for your advice.
As I explained to my response to Aurora_Bell above, my boyfriend knows what's going on. I've told him how much all this situation hurts me and he talked to them, telling them he won't tolerate any bad behavior. They've stopped the innuedos ever since. Now they just pretend I don't exist when my boyfriend is around and they continue being insulting and sarcastic when he's not. If things get worse I'm sure my boyfriend will be very harsh on them and I'm afraid that they might make him pick among them or myself. And no matter how much he loves me, what kind of father would pick a woman over his children?

Jaded old me again. I'm struck by your naïve belief that you can convince them that you are not a gold digger and that age doesn't matter, when nothing you (anyone) say means much, and in fact it could be seen as 'thou protest too much.'
I'm also struck by his seeming lack of concern for sticking up for and protecting you. What's with that?
As far as his exes and kids all getting along, sure it makes sense. They have settled financially, you aren't even at the pre nup.

Oops, you explained how he does stick up for you while I was typing.

How old is his youngest? There comes a time when a father has to chose his life over his adult children's lives. I don't mean that to say he should totally cut them out, but if they are adult children living their own lives, it's time for him to live his. You mentioned before that the children stay with you on the weekends, if that's the case, it's your home too, and they will have to accept who your father chooses to live with, whether they like it or not. They do not get to decide who he loves.

He is not choosing you over his kids, he is choosing to live his life in a healthy expected way. They do not get to dictate how old his girlfriends canbe, and they don't get to dictate how young is too young. I can only imagine how hard this is on you, and as little as it means, you have my support.

@ joypulv

Hi joypulv, I know what you're saying. Maybe I am naïve but I don't want to accept that things will be this hard for as much as I'm seeing this man. I want to believe there must be something I could do to improve the situation.
It's hard to be as disliked as I am and I don't think I deserve it. That's why perhaps sometimes I sound like I'm protesting too much. But when I talk to my boyfriend, I don't protest so much. I don't want to put more pressure on him.

@ Aurora_Bell

Thanks so much for the support. Even though I don't know you, it's nice to have someone understanding me.
The youngest of his kids is 12. We don't live together yet but we're planning to and his younger children (17,14,12) will stay with us during the weekends.

I think you enjoy what you have while you have it, and see how it goes. You don't have to interact with his family, who needs there poison, so leave them alone, and deal with your own family.

Eight months is nice now, but you haven't stood the test of time and you never know what the future will hold, or how you will feel in a year, but no matter what the ages, be happy now and go slow, this fellow has a history of failed relationships and kids, and that's the biggest red flag that I see.

As you say, he has baggage. Age is not important, but history is.

@ talaniman

Hi and thank you for answering.
Unfortunately, I have to interact with them, especially now that I'm going to live with my boyfriend (his family doesn't live him but they'll visit). But even if I deny to live with him, I'll still have to meet them in several occasions.
Anyway, I have decided not to let them affect me anymore. Of course saying it, is a lot easier than actually doing it but I'll try. I won't let them ruin what I have with this man. I had the best intensions and wanted to get along with them but obviously it doesn't work out. I still wish there was something I could do about it but apparently there isn't.

My family lives in my home country (I live in another country), so I have no family of my own here. Just a few friends.

You're right, I'm not able to know what the future might hold or how his history might affect us but I can only hope that our feelings for each other will last.