Everyday, all day, I just think about taking a razor and just slicing myself. I hate myself, I hate life. I disgust myself, I can't even look in a mirror without wanting to smash it to pieces anymore... I feel that I deserve pain, I don't want to tell anyone because I just feel like a burden and that I'm wasting their time. Would people even miss me? Somehow I doubt it...

Okay. Come over here to my kitchen table. Sit down. Here's a plate of homemade chocolate chip cookies -- just made them this morning. Do you want a glass of milk with them? Ah, good! Here you go! Cold milk. Cookies and milk -- nothing better than that. In fact, I'll pour myself a glass too and take a few cookies.

Now, let me get settled in my chair. Tell me what's going on that you want to cut yourself. Are you mad at yourself or someone else? What's frustrating you? School? Home life? Sibs? Parents?

I actually went and got a glass of milk...

I'm just so, angry, all the time at other people but mostly myself for just existing. I feel like such a failure, anything I do just doesn't work, or it does and is beaten by someone else... I'm also really sensitive when people insult me about anything, even if it's meant as a joke I'll still feel low after they've said it. I've also had various plans of suicide but never gone through with them... I was also in intensive care once and someone said to me that it was a shame I didn't die in there, I think that too... 50/50 chance to live or die and I got the other half...

Tell me two GOOD things about your life.

I have friends who live less than a minutes walk away from my house and I would say family but they're the ones who "Blessed" me with this curse called life...

Favorite school subject?

Do you have a pet?

I'm in college now but I suppose it'd have to have been music and I have a dog

Tom, been there done that... believe me when I know the misery you are feeling. While being accepted by people is something we do all want to a degree... some of the happiest people I have ever met are the ones that have learned to accept themselves.. even if others haven't really. We only get one chance at this thing called life and it's up to nobody but ourselves to make it what it can be. Is there anything specific that seems to be going so bad?

I have a lot of questions too but will let Wondergirl do her magic.

Tell me more about the music. Do you play an instrument? Have you had music history and music appreciation? Are you in a band?

(After we talk about this, I'll ask about the dog. Hee hee)

Uh oh. Now I have competition for your attention, Tom. (And I was just getting started... )

I sing but that's about it, I was in a band but got kicked out, even though I was the one who brought the band together (Musical differences)... I got a C in my GCSE so I suppose I didn't do bad...

hauntinghelper - It's just difficult to feel happy at all anymore...

Nah it's fine I'm focused on your replies mostly

Tell me -- are you tenor or bass?

Hmmmmm I would say tenor

Why kicked out? What happened?

What kind of band? Punk? Alternative? Rock? Metal? (Can you tell? I have two sons... )

They were all into like Bon Jovi, The Kinks, Boston and other bands like that whereas I was more into metal and awesome, how old are they?

My sons are 36 and 40 now, but they have trained me well.

So you got kicked out because you didn't sing the "same song" as the other band members.

Did you watch American Idol and see James Durbin perform? Now that guy could perform metal!

I can see that haha... Anyway I need to get to bed now, got College tomorrow. Thank you for your help!

Please come back and I'll ask more questions. (I do have more. You're an interesting guy.)

Sleep well!

What metal bands do you like? I played in a punk rock band for several years... differences do come up that's for sure. Can I have some of Wondergirl's cookies too?

Aha Thank you and no I didn't, should I have?

Bring Me The Horizon, The Devil Wears Prada, A Day To Remember... Cool and yeah, they were ****'s. Go ahead, eat all you want.

Good morning, Tom!

Tell me two good things about YOU. (I can think of at least four.)

Devil Wears Prada... I think a friend of my brother-in-law is dating someone from that band. If you're going to go there, tell me you like Zao and Living Sacrifice as well??

Don't know them, sorry... And two good things, hmm, I'm easy-ish to talk to? I have friends who like me... what are your four about me?

1) You're empathetic.
2) You know when you need help.
3) You know how to ask for help.
4) You're a good writer. (Teachers must love you.)

I suppose... I got an F in English

Me again... not only did you reach out here but your responses are nice, so all in all it sounds like you have a solid base underneath the despair. And we haven't even gotten to the dog yet. I understand how you can like music, like your friends and dog and love your family, and still feel like you shouldn't be alive. I have felt that too. That's about all I can offer - you are not alone.
Some of teenage angst is hormonal. Each of us gets a different dose of them, different combinations, and they ebb and flow from minute to minute. Girls can plummet into depression and anger from fluctuating estrogen and progesterone (and they have testosterone too) and boys can have surges of testosterone, the horomone of aggression. It's possible that you have that and are taking it out on yourself, being a good person who doesn't want to go conquer any countries. It's also possible to have other chemistry that's out of sync like adrenaline and dopamine and seratonin. And it's possible to have situational reasons, events in your life that have affected your outlook. You can go to doctors but unless you have all sorts of expensive tests, they are shooting in the dark and give out meds and start talk therapy. That works for some people and not others. Any thoughts on all that? Also, do your friends and family ever notice what you are going through, or do you really keep it all inside?

I sometimes tell them but I just feel like I'm annoying them and I have therapy but my next appointment isn't until the 29th... And he's a British Bulldog, 13 this month.

I'm glad to see you again! Are you in school yet? (How on earth did you ever manage to fail English?? )

Because I had a mental breakdown during the exam and I'm in college but had the day off today.

Good to see you again. How did that mental breakdown during the exam show itself? What happened afterwards? (I flunked college English 101, had to take it over again the next semester.)

What courses do you have this semester?

I just put my head down on the desk trying not to explode in anger in tears... I guees you could say I "absorbed" myself so I suppose it did a bit and I felt horrible because I knew that I'd messed it up. Just Health & Social Care.

How does Health and Social Care look?

I meant to type "guess" haha...

Merh, it's okay, haven't had a proper lesson yet though.

What career do you hope to have someday? (Or will you be like me, trying out all sorts of different things?)

What's your dog's name? Thirteen is getting old for a dog, isn't it? I have a cat who's 19, and he's an ancient guy.

I want to be a Counciller, the therapy side of it, mainly working with children or teenagers, his name's Jasper and haha! Wow, that is old...

Ah, wonderful! I'm sure you'll be a good one. I've already mentioned your ability to empathize. I used to go to homes to counsel and worked with kids who had problems at home as well as in school. I got to know a lot of parents and teachers! I found out it was often the parents who had the problems (not the kids so much).

Empathizing came up in class today... Andyeah that does seem to be the case sometimes, or it could be the parents have problems with the kids...

But often the kids are a problem because the parents wants to be buddies or give the kids "stuff" instead of love or don't have consistent rules and definite boundaries. The kids get the brunt of bad parenting. Of course, there are such things as autism and ADD, etc. but then that really tests the mettle of parents to show who has a good handle on how to parent well.

What did you learn about empathy?

True... I have ADHD, it sucks... And not a lot, just to put yourself in someone else's position and then respond.

The idea of cutting is to take your attention away from emotional pain, to physical, trust me I've done it enough, when my life seems terrible and I have a lot of emotional pain I cut, but if you do it where people can see easily, it's attention seeking, but that can also be part of it, if you cut on your arm, where people could see sometime, it gives you something els to be concerned about, makes you think about hiding it, and so not on your emotional pain... That's how I figure it, speaking from experience.

But trust me, it is NOT! Anything you want to be doing, I've so making scars. They're unatractive and can hold some pretty terrible memory's.