Really hoping that I can get some sound and grounded advice as I am really upset and want to try and get some perspective on my emotions before I approach my boyfriend. I'll give you a bit of history first so that it provides background on how I'm currently feeling and hopefully you can advise me on the best way forward.

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We are a mixed race and mixed faith couple. I am from the UK and he is asian and a muslim. We met in the UK and lived together there for some time. As always sex / making love was great at first and very satisfying for us both. After he moved in with me I started to have issues with our sex life. Little foreplay - if any, and he kept on masterbating when I was lying next to him and really in need of affection and love making and even sex. This really made me feel pushed away. He wouldn't include me in it but always tries to do it so I don't notice. Which of course I do. I have tried talking to him about this and said involve me and basically didn't get a reaction. Although I have over time manged to put this to the side and continue with our relationship it keeps on rearing its head. I have never experienced this before and have been very sexually active over the years (we are both in our 30's) and had some amazing sexual relationships. I have always been involved in satisfying my men and never been made to feel like an outsider. I consider myself to be an open minded individual and have had some partners with quite extreme fetishes which I have involved in our sex life to make it interesting and dynamic and make sure we are both satisfied.

We had to spend over a year apart while he returned to Asia and managed to maintain our relationship although very tough for us both. We have never really discussed in detail if we had relationships with other people during this time as I believe we are human and sometimes it's better not to know and just get on with being together. During this time I found out he had lots of porn videos saved and that he'd been watching them while I was working away. This was quite upsetting as on a number of occasions while we were together in the Uk I'd asked him about sexual fetishes and he said nothing, and even tried to talk about sex with him and he wouldn't come back with anything.

I then moved out to Asia to come and live with him giving up my job and life in the UK. It's been tough on us both, me no friends and job for a while and him having to carry some of the financial load (reversal of him living with me in the UK) and feeling that I'm really depending on him for my only real companionship.

Since moving here our sex life hasn't been too great. I rarely feel satisfied in bed with him. He's never really spent time getting to know my body and it feels like a purely physical act and no emotion to it and no real lust for me. I know this is the case for men and women - men are physical about sex and women are far more emotive. Don't get me wrong I like a good old **** but I also love making love. This is having quite an effect on me emotionally and how I react to him in our relationship. Coupled with him masterbating lots while I am next to him - makes me feel totally turned off and unloved, unsexy and unattractive. As it is he never compliments me or makes me feel sexy by his actions or words. I have really deliberated on discussing this with him and really taken lots of time to think about it so it is not purely an emotional reaction. I have talked with him calmly letting him know how I feel and I have had nothing back. He listens but doesn't really comment and nothing changes. I've even suggested using sex toys but he didn't react to this either.

The really upsetting part for me now is that after being here for months and living together I have found out that he is watching porn not just when I'm away but also when I am around. I can't say he's an addict as he's not spending ridiculous amounts of time on it like 5/6 hours a day but he's certainly using it regularly sometimes once or twice a day. He also spends far more time watching it than we do having sex / making love. It certainly isn't beneficial to our sex life. The content also includes teenagers and gangbangs (makes me feel sick because of the meaning of word often in relation to rape. I kinow the use of it in porn is not the same).

I really don't know what to do now. I feel like I don't know him. Personally I'm not into porn, my opinion is why bother with it when you could be doing it! I find it pretty sad really. I understand younger men being inquisitive etc but why if you've got someone who is really willing and enjoys experimenting. I feel like we have no basis to our relationship now and with all the other issues we have being in a mixed race and faith relationship my trust for him is almost non existent now. I don't know where to turn to, what to think or do. It feels like all my worries of him not finding me sexy are right. Help me please.

I don't think your problem is in the sex, or porn to be honest, but a clear lack of meeting of the mind. No communications, and no sharing, or caring. Sure the physical can slow down, that would be natural. But most long term committed couples generally learn to enhance the relationship by building on other areas of the relationship, so they share not just body, but mind, soul, and spirit.

He sounds selfish, and takes the relationship for granted, and porn aside, that's no way to build anything with a partner. I don't know if he is an porn addict, but its very hard to be intimate, physical without some sort of mental connection. Damn near impossible for the long term, and at some point you must reevaluate this whole thing and do what's best for you because nobody can hold a relationship together by themselves.

If there is no communications, or a willingness to communicate, or be shown how, then there can be no relationship, because there is no connection. Especially now that you are in a strange land with no friends, no real social life, and depend on him even more. That dependence on this fellow to be happy has to change, so you can at least judge if he is worth all this misery you are experiencing from an objective perspective.

It could well be this has run its course, and there is nothing left to build a happy future on together. You are the only one who can decide that, and I think that's what you tell him, because at least one of you has to talk, and be honest. I wish you luck, and hope this can be resolved to your mutual benefit.

I really appreciate your response Talaniman. You have very much read my mind and understood my worse fears. He has picked up today that something serious is on my mind and has made efforts to communicate with me on a deeper level. We do have communication when it comes to emotions and feelings but I seem to always be the main instigator for much needed discussions. I don't really have a problem with this as I know he does not find it easy to talk about emotions. He does show me love and consideration too but it doesn't seem to make it's way to the bedroom so to speak.

He definitely can be quite selfish and recently I have been talking with him about the need to show and be more affectionate, as you say, in mind body, spirit and soul. Sharing more quality intimate moments so we can strengthen our connection. He is slowly beginning to understand where I'm coming from on this issue as I've noticed him evaluating his actions and making small but important changes.

Unfortunately he just doesn't seem to be able to communicate with me in terms of the sexual side to our relationship. It feels like it's got to be an unspeakable subject. Potentially I'm thinking, this is linked to his upbringing or faith. But for me that is no excuse when he's clearly able to watch all this porn but can't talk to me about our intimacy.

I am certainly constantly reevaluating our relationship, especially as I have put so much on the line to be with him. I have definitely had a history of flogging a dead horse so to speak and am currently very mindful of this.

I am due to start a new job tomorrow and I'm hoping this should alleviate a lot of my dependence on him and may improve the current situation. But what worries me is that if we can't pull together in times of trouble than where is the future in our relationship.

With regards to dealing with the sex issue I think I'll have to take the bull by the horns and give it one last push in the most creative way that I can. If I don't get any positive discussion on the issue than there really isn't any hope for our future, is there?

Well here goes. Thank you for your well wishes and most welcome advice.

I feel compelled to warn you that there is no such thing as instant results, or instant changes. The mistake many couples have is a commitment to self and not each other. Doesn't work that way. Change, and building is a lifelong process. Learning communications is a lifelong process. If a couple is not committed to that process, it will never work. You have to make adjustments together, as its not always the fault of one partner if a relationship fails, no matter how perfect we think we are, or how flawed our partner may be.

Communications, and an honest evaluation of the facts, and a bunch of patience is what's needed.