This is probably a question that you hear all the time so I apologise in advance. Basically I'm a 35 yr old separated woman who is seeing a 56 yr old man who separated from his wife 4 weeks ago after she confronted him as to whether he was having an affair. My husband has moved out and I now live alone and I'm putting the house on the market soon.

The problem is this other man, since he told his wife he says he don't want to split up with me (we work together) but can't see me after work as he needs time to mend his relationship with his daughter. I have give him two months time and space and not much is happening in terms of him sorting finances out and him moving in with his mum as I suggested.

The main thing that I'm confused over is his jealousy, he says that as he can't be with me at the moment then he is OK with me dating other men, so to test that theory I lied and said I was going out on a date. I did this to try and make him shift his bum and make him realise that if didn't move quick that he would loose me to another. Anyway, when I told him he said that he couldn't deal with me being with another man and is going to leave our employment? So I either stay alone and wait for the guy to leave his wife or move and date and lose him.

I feel like whatever option I chose that I'm going to end up unhappy. To add insult to injury, 2 nights ago at 2 am he must have had a row with his wife and text me saying I didn't know what love was, and "f&&k everyone, you as well" and that he was sleeping in the car.

Why is he treating me this way? Do I stay and wait for a guy who I've been wait for 9 months now or move on and forget him?

Not a good idea to get with a married co worker.

Not a good idea to get with a married co worker who has a very messy home life.

Not a good idea getting with a married co worker with a messy home life because his wife thinks he is a lying cheater.

Not a good idea to get with a married co worker who is a lying cheater, and who sleeps in his car rather than come to you.

To answer your question,
Will he ever leave his wife for me?

The answer is NO, he will leave when his wife throws him out, and he needs a better place than his car to sleep in. I mean stop and think a minute. You have been carrying on an affair with this married guy who has lied and cheated on his wife, and think he won't lie and cheat on you? And he ain't showed no signs of leaving, just lip service?? How crazy does that sound?


Why is he treating me this way?
Because you are desperate to have someone and will settle for any one, even a lying cheating already married guy. That's why he treats you that way because you allow yourself to believe his lies. Why do you allow that?


Do I stay and wait for a guy who Ive been wait for 9 months now or move on and forget him?
You stop waiting for the lying cheating married guy, and get your own life, like you should have 9 months ago.

Sure its not you he was lying, and cheating on his wife with, that's she is mad about? Sure you are, or one of many. Hmmmmm, what's wrong with this picture??

Yes in 14 years of answering questions on Q and A sites I have heard this question 100's of times. I am not aware of any that have left

And of course you do know that he has no problem with "his cheating" since that is what he has always done with you. And will most likely try to find a way to save marriage, and the money it will cost him. If his relationship with you was really important he would be there.

Most likely in the end, the sexual relationship with him ( and that is all you have really had up to now) will be ruined, and the work relationship will be ruined.

Thank you for your honest answers, his wife is seeing a divorce lawyer this week and he has a skip at the house to move all his rubbish in so he does not have as much to move. He says he is moving in with his mother this week so that we can be together as a real couple and stp the ducking and diving. Deep down I know I deserve better than the treatment he gives me. He always says he will make all this up to me when he is free of his wife. I do love him with all my heart, but I feel he plays on that love and knows deep down I wouldn't go behind his back and be with another in the mean time. Im in shock that he said f&&k everyone evn me in the text he sent me on sat pm when he was in the car. Ive never been spoken to like that before. I will see him at week tomorrow and don't know what to say to him??

Tell him get lost!!

Talaniman, he says he know he has treated me appaulingly and thanks me for my patience and even says he don't blame me if I go and leave him and find another as it will be his fault. Its just so hard working with him after everythin that has happened. I have to talk to him in the job were in. Im his boss you see.

He won't change. You're just the next person he'll use and cheat on. That's a promise.

Love is blind, it doesn't have to be deaf and dumb too.

You're not some child that doesn't know any better. Read your post. You already know that this won't end well, so why are sticking around waiting for the ball to drop?

I'm so sad but thank you all

im so sad but thankyou all

I understand your sadness. You love him. But the fact is, if you stay with him, all you'll have is sadness. He won't change. He won't give you what you deserve. A little pain now is better then a lifetime of pain. Isn't it?

He says to me when his wife asked him about whether he was having an affair he admitted it as he wanted to be free and with me. He said he didn't need to tell her and could have denied it and stayed put. This he says shows his love for me?? I can't understand why it was all taking so long, he uses his 16 yr old daughter as his excuse to stay for a little longer as he wants thinks to be OK with her when he moved out. He says he is going to his mums this week regardless of whether we are together or not. He says if were together we can get a place or if were not he will move down south where he has friends? But surely by moving south he won't see his daughter as much and that was the whole point of staying at home initially to sort things out with his daughter. Im very confused.

Remember he was having an affair with you behind his wife, so if you become the "wife" he has proven he has no issue having an affair behind your back.

So as long as you know he will most likely be seeing someone else when he is with you, you are in a relationship you accepted and understand

** it is almost always the kids, or the business, but staying for the kids is always used. And the other women always believes it.

It's excuse after excuse isn't it? Why? He doesn't want to leave. He wants to have his cake and eat it to. A wife and daughter to fake a normal life, and a mistress that's willing to come to his bed. You're making it difficult by actually demanding that he choose. That's why he sent that message and told you to f off. That's the real him.

My sister in law was with a married man for over 30 years. Here's the thing that will hopefully open your eyes. She started sleeping with him when he was with his first wife. He told her often that he loved her and that he'd be with her if he was single. His first marriage ended. Did he go to her? No, he married his second wife (another mistress) and continued the affair with my SIL. She stuck around, still believing he loved her.

Well, that second marriage also ended. All throughout he told her the same lies, "I love you, if I were single we'd be together". Did he go to her when the second marriage ended? No, he married yet another mistress. Did my SIL leave? No, she remained in his bed, took the few days a year he had to offer her, and lied to herself while he lied to her.

Well, the fit hit the shan around 10 years ago. He invested in something stupid and lost everything. He had to declare bankruptcy. The 3rd wife kicked him out, he had no where to go, no money to even get a hotel room. He didn't even have a car to sleep in. At that point my SIL became good enough. She took him in, bought him a car, clothes, and stood by him. He got divorced, again.

He finally did marry my SIL, after 30 years of lies. Are they happy? Well, they're married, have been for 4 years now. He has a few new mistresses, and he's telling them the same lies he told my SIL for 30 plus years. My SIL turns a blind eye. Is she happy? Well, she's learned to accept that she's not number one, never was, never will be. She's been screwed over by this man so many times that that's all she knows. She stays because she's now in her 50's and she's married, and she wasted her life on this man. She doesn't want to accept that she made a mistake. So she pretends that everything is great.

This could be you. Walk away now and find someone that can and will give you himself fully. Don't accept second best. You deserve to be number one.

My story. I got married at 24. We were together for 5 years before that. We've now been married for 16 years, together for 21. I am his number one, and he's mine. I am happy. We don't have a lot of money, in fact, we struggle to get by. But, we have each other. My SIL has tons of money, 3 homes, vacations all the time. But, most of the nights she's alone while her husband goes to his mistresses. She pretends to be happy, because she can't accept that she chose the wrong path.

Make the right choice now. Don't waste your life on this man.

I understand that that is always the reason hence why we see other people so if he don't leave then I'm not left waiting for something that is never going to happen. Every time I say lets see other people until he is sorted he turns round and says that he don't want us to see other people and that he needs time and space away from me outside work to sort things out with the daughter. That if I see someone else whilst waiting that I can't love him that much and be prepared to wait, he says he has given up a 30 yr marriage to be with me and that proves he is serious??

Confused about what? He is lying!! This was never about his daughter, NEVER, but about him being caught cheating with YOU! Now he has to pay in cash, a home you both destroyed, and he has to scuffle a schmooze you up to have a job. Wake up, are you blind? I mean who believes a liar?? Oh that's right, the one he is screwing will always believe him no matter what the lie is.

You are responsible for your own hurt, cheating, and being gullible to a dumb employee. Trust me, when his wife gets done with him, he won't have a pot to piss in and will need a raise from his boss to be with his mistress. OR mistresses!!

Fire him and let him go south or just keep on waiting. Call his wife and ask her why the freak is she holding up your happiness, and tell her to get this divorce on the road. You are tired of waiting.

Thank you all for taking the time to write your own experiences, I really appreciate it so much. I know the right thing is to dump him and get him to hit the high road. When the wife found out she obviousley went mental and threw everything over the back garden fence, ripped up there wedding pics etc. I do feel for her and deserve all the hurt and pain I get. I fi could turn back time id never date a fellow worker as when the sh&t hits the fan you still have to work together. Im so scared of going into work tomorrow and seeing him after the horrible texts he sent me. I know he will probably apologise and say he was drunk and he loves me etc etc. How the hell do I work with someone who I'm in love with but are trying so hard not to be??

Please don't take this as being harsh, but you need to slow down and stop thinking like teenager with a crush.

How long in total have you been involved with him? You say that you have been waiting for him for nine months. Is that how long you have been seeing each other?

How long ago did your husband move out? Did he leave you or did you leave him for the co-worker?

Your life is in an upheaval and you need to get yourself on stable footing before you do any more thinking about being involved with your co-worker. Jumping/sliding from one relationship into another is very bad thing to do. It leaves you with no time to heal and let go of the past issues that caused the old relationship to end. You end up bringing those problems/concerns/insecurities with you into the new relationship. In other words, you saddle the new person with your baggage. Take time to get rid of the baggage before you get more involved with this person (he needs to do the same thing so that you don't carry his baggage.)

From what I gather, you both cheated on your spouses. Now, you are wanting the relationship to go full speed while you are both going through separations and divorces. It is going to cause a strain due to insecurity. It already is. How much of your wanting him to get away from his wife is because you are afraid he is backing out of the relationship? How much of wanting the relationship out in the open is to encourage him to be with you so that you don't feel like you made a mistake?

Take time to get your house sold, your divorce final, and to heal. Look at why your marriage fell apart and what you might need to work on in your own life so that your next relationship doesn't have the same issues. Get out and have fun. While you are single take time to be single. Make certain that you have a great relationship with yourself and worry only about yourself for the near future (at least.) Taking time for you will ultimately make you a stronger partner in any relationship you get into later.

Don't work with him. You don't have to. Let him leave like he said he would. That would be the best for both of you.

I know it hurts. Love often clouds our minds and makes us accept things we really shouldn't accept. Why do you think so many abused women stay with their abusers?

You're here asking this question because deep down you know that this isn't going anywhere, that he's a cad, and he'll always be one. If you stay, you'll end up like my SIL, or worse. He may never marry you. She had to wait for him to go through 3 wives and bankruptcy before he married her, and we all know he only married her for the money and roof over his head. He's still having sex with other women. He hasn't changed, and if what he has with her is love, then I'd rather be hated.

Don't you deserve more then this? Do you just want to be second best, or do you deserve more? If you're happy just being used for sex, then stay with this guy. If you want more, then leave. Let him get another job, let yourself feel the pain because sadly, for some reason, you do love him. Then move on. You can do it! You have the strength to do it! I for one have faith that you can. Prove me right! :)

The trouble is that he always says he will leave iif we part but I know deep down he won't leave!! Jobs are difficult to find especially at his age. He will stay there and make my life hell for sure. I would leave but getting divorced and having to pay for things on my solo I can't afford to leave a job that I've made real progress and is just round the corner from where I live so no traveling costs or time xx

the trouble is that he always says he will leave iif we part but i know deep down he wont leave !!! jobs are difficult to find especially at his age. He will stay there and make my life hell for sure. I would leave but getting divorced and having to pay for things on my solo i can't afford to leave a job that ive made real progress and is just round the corner from where i live so no traveling costs or time xx

Then ignore him.

You're making excuses to stay with him. Just because you work together doesn't mean you have to be together.

I will do my best tomorrow to keep my distance, but what do I say when he comes over and talks to me. I don't want to be rude and blank him

i will do my best tomorrow to keep my distance, but what do i say when he comes over and talks to me. I dont want to be rude and blank him

Tell him the truth. Let him know that you're done. You see him making excuses, and you're tired of it. He's a cheater and you know that he won't change, and you deserve better. Tell him that since you know he can't leave the job, and you can't, that you'll have to work together, but that's all.

Make it very clear that the relationship is over, that you need to move on, and that if he really ever cared for you, he'd let you go and not make this difficult for you.

Then stick to your guns. Go NC as much as you possibly can considering that you have to work together, and allow yourself to get over him. Whenever you start thinking this can work, remember my SIL. She's miserable, and she wasted her whole life, and continues to waste it, on a man just like yours.

HARSHNESS ALERT
You need to back off and let him sort out his problems without giving your input in anything. As far as everything goes, he is still married and you need to respect that, if not then you are just home wrecking a family. The reason why he is treating you this way, is because subconciously you have treated his family the same way, without respect or any type of consideration. You have him two months to sort out his problems? Hell no, why would he be on YOUR timer? You are no one to him, except the booty call who has fallen in love for him. So therefore, gain some self respect and tell this loser to back off, and you move on with the a person that actually has the ability to be with you.

Good Luck,
Javi

Explain to him that you have realized that you both need time to get your lives in order. You both do not need more complications in your respective divorces or lives. You both need to take time to let the past go before you can work on the present or the future.

Be firm. Be polite.

At work, treat him like everyone else. If he does react negatively, then you have even more evidence that you should not be involved with him.

Take care of yourself.