I was with this guy for 10 months. He's over a decade older than me (I'm 20) and has struggled with things in his life that I can't even wrap my head around (mainly addiction, though he's clean now and doing well). Most people in his family have struggled with it as well.
Despite my concerns regarding the age and life experience difference, I decided to start dating him because he's a great guy. He's very trustworthy, loyal, caring, loving and devoted. The only big problem I had was that he lost his temper on me a few times resulting in a few verbal tantrums (short, but scary) throughout the course of our relationship. Sometimes I feel like he talks down to me a little as well and uses our age difference to point out my immaturity in certain situations.
I broke up with him because I started to not feel as comfortable with him or his family/friends. I was also always much more involved in his life than he was in mine mainly because I felt more comfortable with it being that way since I don't think my friends are always the greatest. This declining of comfort and the few tantrums lead me to think I shouldn't be with him right now. I missed him a lot though and was very confused so almost instantly I took him back and broke up with him again a week after because he got a little frustrated with me about something and I couldn't handle the thought of being stuck in a relationship with him.
It's now about a little over a month since the last breakup and I'm still confused and struggling. We've been hanging out still because we love each other so much that we agreed to try and be friends and see how that would go for us since we still wanted the other in our lives but knew that we weren't compatible enough for a relationship. I'm really confused about whether he might be the right guy for me or not. I feel lonely in a way and a little hopeless. I'm afraid that I'll never find someone I love as much as him or that I will regret not being with him for the rest of my life (if I don't find someone I love more).
As for the friendship, I just don't know. I'm trying to make it happen and be OK with it but it's hard. I'm afraid to take time away from him because I'm scared I will lose him and regret it. I also find that when I do spend like a week away from seeing him, I start to gain a bit more confidence that I will be happy not being in a relationship with him and then I see him and get really confused all over again. I'm confused when I don't see him too, but it almost feels like I'm living in a different world during that time so it makes it somewhat OK.
He tells me he really loves me and that that won't change regardless of whether we're friends or dating one day in the future. He says he just wants me to be happy and is basically giving me full opportunity to do what I want with the situation. He did say he won't take me back as his girlfriend for his sake and mine because a relationship would not work for us right now. He thinks we should live one day at a time and that he's thankful for whatever time he gets to spend with me. He never wanted to let me go and doesn't want to now either. He's not pushing a relationship on me in any kind of way.
I'm not sure why I'm so confused. A part of me still wants to date him but the other part of me reminds me that it wouldn't work out cause it didn't the first time. We've talked through all our issues but I still think history would be repeated if we got back together.

But why, then, and I SO confused? I'm not sure why this is so hard for me. Any thoughts? I'm starting to feel so desperate. Desperate to feel some sense of relief and piece of mind... sometimes desperate thoughts like getting together pop into my head but they quickly extinguish. He's just been the best friend I've ever had. I can't really trust anyone else like I can trust him.

I also saw his family today and didn't feel comfortable. I'm not sure why. I wish I could.

Thanks for reading.

I believe you are making the same mistakes that many couples do after a break up, trying to keep an ex in your life as a friend. All this does is keep those old feelings of attraction all stirred up, again, and again, and stops the healing process from letting you be able to move on.

Read the stickies here, (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/) and learn the value of NO CONTACT, so you can fully heal, and moved beyond being stuck on a failed relationship in the name of friendship. Seldom works that way as you are finding out.

How you described the way he has the "verbal tantrums" it makes me feel as if we are dealing with a abuser type of personality with this guy that has not unleashed. If that is correct we can go from "He's very trustworthy, loyal, caring, loving and devoted" to... "please don't hit me AGAIN" real quick. So I would personally recommend to back off this guy while he gets his head on straight (if it ever happens). I believe your confusing comes in you "thinking" you are able to come back with this guy if you wanted to because he "has given you the option". The reality is this, this guy does have some experience on you and is leading you on, he can say whatever he wants to, the "you can make whatever decision you want but we can't be in a relationship RIGHT NOW" means that he is down to sleep with you but that is all he sees you as. Another part of the confusion also arising from you is because whether you have realized it or not he has broken up with you, and you still believe the nice things he is saying to keep you around as what seems to me to be a booty call. Have some self-respect and leave this guy alone, stop letting him take advantage of you.

Good Luck,
Javi

Honey if your ever going to move on you need to stop hanging out with him. Because until you do that fear of moving on is always going to be there. And your never going to move on (fully) until you cut your ties. You'll find happiness. It's out there, I promise. You don't need someone in your life bullying you around just because of your inexperience in life. And if he keeps throwing that in your face and being verbally abusive to you he's really not worth it. Abuse is abuse! And relationships that normally start as that end up in worse situations. Take it from someone who knows! Your going to feel lost for a bit and that because it's something that your used to. But, as days go on without him in your life you'll find yourself getting stronger and more confident. And more willing to seek the man of your dreams. But, your going to need to cut ties with him and move on first.

Thank you for your responses. They were quite helpful. I'd also like to clarify (for mmresd) that I was the one who broke up with him and he was very heartbroken, but I still can see your perspective.

AYOUNGMAN I keep reading your response over and over. Thank you for your kind and uplifting words. I think you really hit home.