Hi everybody,

This is my first time properly letting my heart do the talking so please bear with me while I may or may not struggle with this.

I've been with my girl for almost 4 years, we've come a really long way since we first started dating and furthermore since we started going out with each other. However, this past few weeks we've drifted slightly further apart and I have no idea why so I tackled the problem head on as I felt the best thing we can do is talk(which we usually do).

Here's the problem: My girlfriend is still quite young(early 20s) and I'm almost mid 20s - she is very insecure/not confident and doesn't even like me doing things like putting my hand on her stomach and she usually tries to cover herself if she's stripped down to being naked. This might give you an insight into what she's like.

She loves me with all her heart and she genuinely believes I'm the one however she's had 2 weeks off from work and has been over-thinking things. Long story short, she believes that we've lost a spark and that we're "too friendly" with one another. By that she means that as well as us being boyfriend and girlfriend she feels we're far too good friends as well. Now I know some of you will be saying things like "get out" or "she just wants to be friends man" but this isn't the case here.

We tried to strip things down with our relationship and set rules in place but all these rules did was seemingly push me away, she would rather us try something different than push me away and risk losing me. I trust her and she trusts me and we both really do love each other loads. She's said herself I'm the best thing that's ever happened to her in her life but we do have a spark missing at the moment.

After talking about it without getting angry or annoyed with each other we've figured out the problem. It's her insecurities as a person that is making her feel this way towards me. Her Mum and Dad had a horrible break-up and most of her family have never had lasting marriages or relationships so I think she's quite scared of how well things were going with us.

She genuinely believes I'm the one and I genuinely believe she is the one for me, we are perfect together bar this minor hiccup.

What we decided to do was have NC for a month, in this time there's no texting/facebook/mobile calls/msn nothing. I'm the one who put it past her and she's the one who agreed it's worth a shot. I feel like she needs to get her head sorted and by not having any contact with me for a month she might realise what we had and that she'll come crawling back. At the end of this month though we'll talk it through and see what to do. What we've both said though is it might be better to get with other people to make us value what we had as a couple.

I very much doubt I'll do that and I know she won't go the full way with someone due to her insecurities and confidence issues but I feel we owe it to ourselves to see if this works or not.

If at the end of the month she wants me and has her head sorted then fine, if she doesn't then we'll break up. We would've done that anyway had we not tried this certain method. Although the one thing she's said is that she feels we're at different stages and this time next year if we were both single she'd want to try again etc which again I think is down to her insecurities as a person.

Does anyone have any advice they can give about this? I feel NC was the only option worth taking. Surprisingly I'm actually fine with it and this is day 1... I can get on with my life and do things I couldn't before as I was tied down with the relationship and I can hang about with friends more. Saying that I know I'll miss her and I don't want to cave in and bend over backwards if she texts me or whatever.

The other thing I'll say is that she has said "if I want to meet up with you in this month then if you get back in touch with me we can". Under no circumstances am I going to reply to her, I figure making her stew and get her head properly sorted is the only way she'll be able to accept us as a long term couple.

Good or bad idea ladies and gents?

You know how that song goes? "even love needs a holiday"? From what you tell me, it seems like you are still madly in love with each other. I think the lace of spark is because you are doing things in a routine manner. Have you tried to switch things up a bit? Like a spontaneous vacation out of town for the weekend? When she says you are too friendly it means that you've gotten too comfortable with one another. Have you stopped telling her how beautiful she is? Or show her that you appreciate what she does for you? Sometimes, in a long term relationship, we forget to do that. If you have already agreed to have a little break, there is no sense in retracting the plan. A short break to sort out feelings is perfectly normal I think. However, conditions should be set, as to how long and also, whether you would be seeing other people. I think in the end, love will prevail. Good luck to you. You sound like a good guy. She's lucky. Can you answer mine? I need a man's perspective. Thanks.

I guess you have to wait, and see what happens.

You know how that song goes? "even love needs a holiday"? From what you tell me, it seems like you are still madly in love with each other. I think the lace of spark is because you are doing things in a routine manner. Have you tried to switch things up a bit? Like a spontaneous vacation out of town for the weekend? When she says you are too friendly it means that you've gotten too comfortable with one another. Have you stopped telling her how beautiful she is? or show her that you appreciate what she does for you? Sometimes, in a long term relationship, we forget to do that. If you have already agreed to have a little break, there is no sense in retracting the plan. A short break to sort out feelings is perfectly normal I think. However, conditions should be set, as to how long and also, whether you would be seeing other people. I think in the end, love will prevail. Good luck to you. You sound like a good guy. She's lucky. Can you answer mine? I need a man's perspective. Thanks.

We are yeah, we both truly love each other a lot and we do have a very open relationship where we talk about anything. She can come to me about things and I can with her, that's the way it should be.

I always and believe me when I say this, always tell her she's gorgeous and that she means the world to me, usually randomly via text messaging if I haven't seen her through the day and then to her face at night. It makes her feel special which she knows she is to me.

We've agreed a 1 month break, if she wants to get with someone else she can and she says I can do the same but I doubt in all honesty if either of us will even do that.

I really hope so, she's the love of my life and she knows I'm the love of hers, it's just annoying to an extent that she feels we're at different stages.

Fingers crossed though :)

What!

Relationships need work, its not always passion and heat, and yeah, if you let the ball drop things can go stale, but that does not mean you go on a break, go NC, that your doing is misusing no contact, no contact is for moving on and healing, its for when the relationship is dead in the water, its not for playing games, or hoping someone is going to miss you!

Also allowing each other permission during this time to see other people is an recipe for disaster! and may back fire in a way that will break your heart,. even the most secure couple can struggle with this one if/when they get back together.

Couples facing a problem in their relationship work it out together, you don't get a hall pass, either your both in it or your not.

You have been together for 4 years, if you both have not figured out how to solve your problems or communicate to each other its certainly not going to happen if your apart.

Relationship counselling or a holiday together may have been just the ticket to flame the spark.

Permission to see other people, a month of no contact, and mind games, sure you might as well have taken a fire hose to your relationship.

What's done is done, only time will tell now.

Hi Redhed, thanks very much for your advice.

Believe me, we talk all the time and we are very open with each other about each other's feelings etc. I genuinely never saw it coming when she mentioned about the routine being boring.

We tried a couple of ways to try and work it out but she felt she was pushing me away, her words not mine and she felt bad for it. I can't emphasise how much love we both have for each other. This no contact period isn't being used to see if she misses me or vice versa, it's there so that she can have space and think about what we have together and if she still sees us as a couple.

I don't plan for one minute to get with anyone else yet but also what I'm doing is thinking that it's going to be over. So that if in a month's time she says she hasn't missed me or doesn't want me then I'm mentally prepared for it already.

I know relationship breaks and space can work for couples and I hope that this does but if I go in thinking at the end she won't be back then I'm halfway to getting over that aspect.

I'm concentrating on me now, nobody else for this specific month and that's the way it should be. I need to reflect on what we had an then get on with my own life, show her that I'm not missing her(even though I obviously will be).