After finding gay porn on my computer I questioned my husband about the porn. He admitted to the porn and said he's always wondered if he was gay. He doesn't want to be gay, he doesn't want to be with men because he is 1) afraid of the ridicule from his family/our friends and 2) loves me and loves our family. I am creeped out. He told me I was his salvation because when we met he was really struggling with what he was going to do. Our marriage kept him from pursuing those desires and he hasn't cheated on me nor does he intend to. It explains our bedroom issues.. . he rarely climaxes.
Am I wrong to feel creepy?
I don't want to be with him, but I don't want to destroy my family.
Where do we go from here? We were already on the edge and now this.

You go to counseling from here.

Both together and separately.

You probably will NOT get through this without the help of a counselor.

If there were issues in the marriage before this revelation, what has been done to work on them? If you haven't already tried marriage counseling, would you consider it?

Marriage counseling could help you determine if there is anything left to save and work on. It could give you tools for dissolving your marriage as calmly as possible.

He needs counseling to come to terms with who he is instead of who he thinks he should be. There is a chance that instead of homosexual he is bi-sexual. Either way, he is confused. He needs to deal with it instead of making his issues yours.

Ultimately, you are going to have to do what is best for you. You cannot take on the responsibility of keeping everyone else happy if it damages how you feel about yourself.

Since you mention 'our family', I am guessing you have a child(ren). If the adults in a child's life are not happy together, it affects him/her more than the adults usually realize. Would you want your child to stay in a marriage that was not working out just to keep friends and family happy?

Cat,
We do have children four in fact.

We were on the edge because a year ago I had what he calls is an emotional affair. I have since stopped talking to the gentleman and made myself completely transparent to my husband. I never actually net the guy he was helping me with a class online and we started chatting outside of the help board. We don't deal with stuff, we just try to move on from stuff.

Thanks for the advice. Counseling makes sense, I think I need to figure out if I want to stay or go. And how do I help my children through it.

Yes, he has sexual desires, in this case for men, but what if it was regular porn, it would still be desires for photos of others.

The issue first is, it appears he has not acted on it, just found he may like sex in other ways.

There can be ways to change sex at times if both parties would agree, or other things. But counseling would be a great start.

Marrying someone will not curb a person’s natural desires. Being gay isn't something you choose. You cannot make him un-gay because he stays married to you. It’s unfair to him and you! How can he truly love you as a wife if he has no desire to be with you other than to protect his ego?

It has been mentioned, you will need to seek counseling, alone and together. Yes divorce or separation will be hard on your kids…at first. Kids are resilient, and they will get over it. As they age they will see that a person can’t be with another to make others happy.

I'd be creeped out also. I am thinking what for diseases can hubby bring home and happily share with me? That alone would make me want NOT to be with him even if he supposedly takes precautions. If you can't handle this situation, then do something about it - leave. Your 4 kids will just have to visit dad on visiting days. The entire gay lifestyle is something that is NOT an inborn thing - it is a choice of lifestyle. You will be crushed at first and then you will learn to live without him and move on in your life to someone who has no identity crisis about their sex.

Twinkie--you assume that he's going to cheat on her. That's not exactly fair, you know.

He's at least being open with her about his desires--now it's time for counseling to see what, if anything, can be salvaged from their marriage.

He isn't doing anything because of the marriage. There are many homosexual people that are in heterosexual relationships. Once the realization of homosexuality has dawned they don't go on a cheating spree. They have a lot of love and respect tied up in the relationship.

In this case he has made the realization and is expressing it through his spank material. He is far to committed and fearful to come out and start another relationship. I don't think she really has anything to fear in that regard. They need to deal with this issue that is a certainty. It will likely end their marriage, or change it . I don't think she needs to feel creeped out by this or concerned. He has many reasons to stay true to the marriage.

Just an irishman's opinion.

He isn't doing anything because of the marriage. There are many homosexual people that are in heterosexual relationships. Once the realization of homosexuality has dawned they don't go on a cheating spree. They have a lot of love and respect tied up in the relationship.

In this case he has made the realization and is expressing it through his spank material. He is far to committed and fearful to come out and start another relationship. I don't think she really has anything to fear in that regard. They need to deal with this issue that is a certainty. It will likely end their marriage, or change it . I don't think she needs to feel creeped out by this or concerned. He has many reasons to stay true to the marriage.

Just an irishman's opinion.

I am giving you this in a nutshell here (over 9 years of how a bisexual marriage ruined one woman)
I saw first hand with my next door neighbors what a bisexual marriage does to the woman. She kept getting weird diseases and her 2 children were taken to the weekly gay parties her husband would attend while she was at work. The older kid had a shaved head with a Mohawk hairdo that was most unbecoming. He was home schooled but when he attended first grade graduation at a local school they made him put a hat over this atrocious hairdo. Also the kid would say every so often that his bum hurt after he would come home from the weekly gay parties. This kid was kept out until 3 or 4 am on a regular basis. His father would constantly punish him by making him run around the house in the rain and snow and in the dark for hours at a time. In short, the father became a tyrant to his wife and sons. He broke her leg in the shower and had to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance. He would chase his kid around the house with a butcher knife in his hand threatening to cut him up. She was obviously beaten up mentally and emotionally by this "gay" "bisexual guy". She had no for real sex life with him either as she would complain to me or my son all the time about this.

So this is the prime reason I had posted the posts that were yanked about the diseases he could bring home with him and happily share with her. This neighbor was a meek church going woman when we met her 9 years ago and she ended up being dragged into a lifestyle I'm sure she didn't know exist by her wonderfully loving hubby.

I just did not want anything like that happening to the OP. My neighbors moved away about a year ago as she lost her job and since he never worked they could not continue to live here. Oddly enough they moved into an apartment very near the local gay pick up place, the public library. Wonder why?

And Twinkie--I'm a bisexual woman who has been happily married for 15 years.

Your neighbors' primary problems are that the husband was abusive and the wife didn't leave.

It has little to nothing to do with sexual orientation. PLENTY of people live in marriages with questions about sexuality that do not go out and pick up diseases just because they have desires for other people--whether homosexual, bisexual or heterosexual.

She caught him with PORN, not with another man.

The next step is COUNSELING, to determine the following things:

1. If the husband really is gay or bisexual, or just enjoys gay porn (a lot of hetero people do, you know).
2. If the marriage can survive the hiding of his desires and the lack of communication.
3. If the wife wants to live the rest of her life with this man anymore
4. If they decide to divorce or separate, they STILL need counseling, likely with the whole family, to help make sure that the transition is made with loving care, and not anger and hatred.

Sorry. There is NO guarantee that a bisexual person won't resume his secret lifestyle once the wife has forgiven him. He is terrified of his family finding out the truth about him so he will probably lay low for a few months and happily resume his lifestyle once again.

And NO amount of counseling will change the wife's initial repulsion of this either. Short of brainwashing another person into accepting this that is.

I am not against the gay lifestyle in any way. It's just that I don't have to accept this NOR does any other normal, healthy woman either. Kids or no kids. If she wants out, then she should get out.

[QUOTE=Synnen;2877411]And Twinkie--I'm a bisexual woman who has been happily married for 15 years.

Your neighbors' primary problems are that the husband was abusive and the wife didn't leave.

Yes, I know he was abusive - overly so to her and the kids.


It has little to nothing to do with sexual orientation. PLENTY of people live in marriages with questions about sexuality that do not go out and pick up diseases just because they have desires for other people--whether homosexual, bisexual or heterosexual.

It is a proven medical fact that most male gays have MORE diseases than regular straight men.

She caught him with PORN, not with another man.

Not much difference as he probably does not invite his friends to his home but goes to their homes.


And you pushing counseling all the time tells me you want this poor lady to actually accept this lifestyle. That's the part that really rattles my cage here. She does not have to accept this one iota. Counseling IS NOT the answer to EVERYTHING either. It can actually make the patient worse in a lot of ways and not help one bit. Just because gays have "rights" now does not mean that lifestyle is now MANDATED.

Twinkie, I am sorry for what your neighbor/friend has gone through, but that does not sound like what this woman is experiencing. It sounds like the problems in her marriage are due to an abusive person and homosexuality is only a part of the whole picture. Her husband needs to be in jail if he has done these things to his family.

The op's husband does not seem to want to be homosexual and other than porn is not living the stereotypical 'gay lifestyle'. If anything, this man seems to be trying to distance himself from that aspect of his nature. It does not seem that he is taking his frustrations out on his wife or abusing his family.

He needs counseling and she sounds like she might benefit from it too since there is more going on than just his sexuality. There is also some insecurity over what he, at least, saw as emotional cheating. They need to find common ground to decide what their next steps are. If counseling can help and they are open to it, then I hope it does.

The entire gay lifestyle is something that is NOT an inborn thing - it is a choice of lifestyle
That has got to be the most ignorant statement I've read on AMHD in a good six months.

He's gay, and therefore, he should be living as a gay man. He feigned his heterosexuality, which is a feat in itself, for 15 years, I can't even imagine that. I suggest you just leave him as you have already admitted you no longer want to be with him. Yes, it will hurt the kids and friends and neighbors will talk, but your kids will understand down the road and everyone else will have moved on by then. This will not destroy you family.

I recommend saving your money, a counselor is going to tell you the same thing.

Twinkie--you have NO IDEA whether this man has gone outside of his marriage. EVER.

Most of us take vows seriously, you know. Just being bi doesn't make you cheat. It's incredibly ridiculous to believe that it does. Looking at porn does NOT mean he's had sex with anyone but his wife since he got married.

This is true for ANY marriage! There is NO GUARANTEE that ANYONE will stay faithful to marriage vows.

I'm not saying you have to accept the gay lifestyle--but this woman is struggling with an extreme disclosure from her husband, and needs help from an outside course--counselor, priest, doctor, I don't care who--on how to deal with it.

HE needs to see a counselor to help determine whether he really is a homosexual or bisexual---or whether his testosterone levels are off,leading to his poor performance with the OP.

She doesn't have to accept his lifestyle in the end--but she DOES have to deal with him for the rest of her life, because they have kids together. It doesn't sound like the OP's husband has ever been abusive--so why wouldn't they work out a way to part amiably if that is what they decide to do?

I am giving you this in a nutshell here (over 9 years of how a bisexual marriage ruined one woman)

(Cut for brevity)

I just did not want anything like that happening to the OP. My neighbors moved away about a year ago as she lost her job and since he never worked they could not continue to live here. Oddly enough they moved into an apartment very near the local gay pick up place, the public library. Wonder why?

One situation doesn't set the for all of them. To be frank the tale of your friend, while tragic, has nothing to do with the OP. What happened to your friend was a function of the couple and only the couple. No broad generalizations can be made from the situation. If you had cared for them you should have Social Services if you thought the child was being molested or abused. Shame on you for not.

Homosexuality and bisexuality isn't a lifestyle choice. At least not in the way you're describing it. You're really making the Bi/homosexual lifestyle seem like it is all the same and that he is going to do horrible things to him wife and children because of this. You're homophobic and it is disgusting me right now.

The reason that she was creeped out was that she found Gay Porn on the computer. I am sure she would have felt equally creeped out if she found BSDM, Pony play, Furry, bestiality, barely leagal, hermaphrodite, midget, or scat porn on the computer. It is the discovery of a side of him that doesn't mesh with her view of him. It is contrary and shocking.

The important part you need to look at here is his reaction to this. He is still emotionally invested in both her and the kids. He won't cheat. He won't leave her. He doesn't want to be gay. He is almost as scared and confused as she is at this point. He doesn't want to be identified as gay. He doesn't want to go to gay bars, or "Public Libraries", or what not. He just wants his place in world to stay as it is.

What counselling will do here is allow each other to accept this and move along. They're going to have some tough decisions. It is hard to say if the marriage will stay together. The best case scenario is that they both come to an agreement here. They have a marginal sex life. She doesn't look in the folder on their computer that is labelled: "Hubby's spank material", and they continue raising their children. The worst case is that he moves out and they split the family. I don't think this will happen.

There is going to be no psychopathic or abusive behaviour. They just need a third party to help make sense of all this.

Twinkie, I am sorry for what your neighbor/friend has gone through, but that does not sound like what this woman is experiencing. It sounds like the problems in her marriage are due to an abusive person and homosexuality is only a part of the whole picture. Her husband needs to be in jail if he has done these things to his family.

The op's husband does not seem to want to be homosexual and other than porn is not living the stereotypical 'gay lifestyle'. If anything, this man seems to be trying to distance himself from that aspect of his nature. It does not seem that he is taking his frustrations out on his wife or abusing his family.

He needs counseling and she sounds like she might benefit from it too since there is more going on than just his sexuality. There is also some insecurity over what he, at least, saw as emotional cheating. They need to find common ground to decide what their next steps are. If counseling can help and they are open to it, then I hope it does.

Yes I know my neighbor is an extreme case BUT I wanted to point out just how desperate this woman became due to his lifestyle.

I don't think OP's husband is distancing himself after 15 years and is still watching porn on his computer. He's still holding onto that portionof his life by just having this on his computer. He's not trying to distance anything - he GOT CAUGHT plain and simple and now he's trying to backpedle so wife does not blow his perfect cover he's been using for 15 years. Flipping out over the wife's emotional cheating is silly. It was just a smoke screen for what he was really up to. She said she never met the man. How ridiculous is this?

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