I've been in a long distance relationship with a guy for 3 years. We're both in our mid 40's so I was looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with. He swore over and over again that he loved me and wanted to be with me and he was going to save his money so he could move closer to me. We live 3,000 miles apart, me in Canada and him in the US so we didn't get to see each other very often. We split up a few times in the 3 years but mostly we talked every sinlge day about how much we loved and missed each other and we were always making plans for our future together.

Around the middle of June he told me that since a few things had changed in his life he wasn't sure any more whether he wanted to move or not. He said he loved me to death and wanted to be with me but his main concern was that he wouldn't get to see his daughter and new granddaughter that often. We talked about this a lot and I tried to reassure him that once he was settled here we could take trips to see them. He'd only been to see them once during our relationship because they lived about a 14 hour drive from him so I didn't think it would be an issue for him to fly there from here to see them once a year.

Anyway, after he told me that he said he had a lot of thinking to do and just needed some space so we didn't talk for about a week. We talked again the following Sunday and he said that he was still thinking about things and again said that he really did love me and wanted to be with me but he wasn't sure how he could make it happen. After about an hour of discussion he said he had to run to the store to get some things for dinner so he'd call me back in a few hours. Well he didn't call me back so I called him later that night but he didn't answer. I didn't think too much of it because I figured he'd fallen asleep or something but when he didn't call the next day at our usual time I started to get a little concerned.

The following day I tried to call him again but he still didn't answer that day or Wednesday. I left a light-hearted message that day and just asked what was up because he said he would call me back but I haven't heard from him. By Friday I didn't get any response. Saturday was our 3rd anniversary so I stayed up really late Friday night so I could call him when it would be our anniversary in both our time zones. He finally answered (probably because I blocked my phone number). He asked what I was doing up so late so I told him that I'd stayed up to try and get a hold of him since he'd been ignoring me all week. He said he wasn't ignoring me and he'd just been busy all week. I knew that wasn't true and said that I found it very hard to believe that in an entire week he couldn't have found a few minutes to call me.

His response was to ask me if he could call me tomorrow because he had people over and he didn't want to be rude and talk on the phone while they were there. I could hear all of them in the background and since he sounded like I was the last person he wanted to talk to and I knew I wouldn't have his attention anyway I told him to call me the next day which was our anniversary.

So I sat here all day waiting for him to call and he didn't. I tried to call him around dinner time and his roommate answered and told me that he had to go to work but he'd make sure to tell him when he got home that I'd called to wish him a happy anniversary. Well he still didn't call me so I tried to call him again the next day with my number blocked but he still didn't answer. On Monday I called when I knew he would be at work to see if his roommate could shed any light on the situation. Well he certainly did that. He told me that my man was screening all their calls and wouldn't answer if my number showed up or if the call display said unavailable or blocked. I asked him if he told him that I'd called on our anniversary and he said he did but he had "company" over that night. Of course I asked if by company he meant a woman and he said that it was a 23 year old girl and he hated to tell me but they'd slept together.

I was totally devastated. Not only did he just completely ignore me rather than breaking things off with me before he slept with someone else but he did it on our anniversary too. His friend told me that he'd been drinking a lot too and he had no idea what was going on with him but he thought that he was chasing after the little teeny bopper and drinking to try and get over me.

He did the same thing about a year ago except that he didn't sleep with the girl then. We finally worked our our problems and got back together but I guess I should have just run away as fast as I could. Anyway, the friend asked me not to tell my ex-man that he'd told me about the girl because he still had to live with him. I felt like I needed to have my say so I wrote him a letter and emailed it to his friend so he could make sure he got it (he's not big on computer stuff).

The friend later told me that he read my email and his only response was to ask how to delete it. So I knew that he wasn't going to talk to me again no matter what I said so I figured I should just give up and try to move on. Well that's certainly easier said than done. About a week later his friend emailed me and told me that I'd be happy to hear that the girl had been blowing him off and making excuses not to spend the night with him. His friend also said that he still had a picture of the two of us in his bedroom and he still wore the necklace that I'd given him the first year were together. The necklace had a pendant on it that means "second chances" in Australian so it had a lot of meaning to our relationship because we'd actually met 25 years ago while he was in the Navy and in the city where I live. His friend also told me that my ex-man kept asking him if I knew about the girl which made no sense to me. I couldn't understand why it would matter to him if I knew about her or not if he was finished with me. His friend and a couple of my friends all said they thought it was because he still cared about me and he didn't want me to know about her in case he ever decided to call me again. So of course I got to thinking that maybe there was some hope even though I wasn't sure I wanted to get back together with him.

I thought at the very least we could stay friends and I would have liked that because we have a lot in common and could always talk to each other about everything. Anyway, over the past month I've seen a few things on Facebook and elsewhere that lead me to believe that he's told the girl that he loves her and she's told him the same thing. So that's made me believe that he really is done with me and is never going to talk to me again.

I've been struggling for the past month and a half to get over him and move on with my life but I'm having a really hard time doing that because I've been questioning everything about our relationship. I keep trying to figure out what went wrong, what every little thing he does means and why he would choose to intentionally hurt me so badly when all he had to do was tell me he didn't want to move.

Every single thing I hear, see and do reminds me of him and I just can't get him out of my head. My friends keep telling me I need some closure and I know they're right but how do you go about getting closure when the person who hurt you so badly won't even talk to you about it?

Please help before I completely lose my mind. Thanks.

Its so understandable after 3 years of high hopes, and good times, with a guy you have known so long, that you would be devastated to find out he was the worse kind of lying coward. That has to really hurt bad. Acceptance is closure, and no more lies, or deceit. Just rebuilding, and regrouping, after a very long mourning period.

Keep family, and friends close, but keep him as far as possible. Even after the coming anger settles on you. But for now, its okay to hurt, and cry your eyes out. For as long as you need to.

Sorry for your loss. It will get better.

I'm sorry this happened to you.
Even after three years you probably didn't know the real man-as it was LD.
Turns out he was a lying scumbag and hurtful as it is find the strength to make each new day a step towards a more contented you.
Do things that make you feel good,see friends and family -and keep no contact with Mr Jerk.
This is how you find closure,by accepting that even though the relationship is over you still have you and that's a very good thing.

This is a story with a lot of detail so I'll try be as specific as I can.
First of all, you say that you're in you're forties and were looking for someone to settle down with, and I can understand that to an extent, but do you really want to be settling down with someone who lives so far away and is unsure about wanting to move closer because of his own personal ties at home? You've obviously made the long distance relationship work for the past three years, but it can't be long distance for the rest of your lives because that would be unfair on the both of you. Also, I do think it would be unfair to expect him to move to you if his daughter has just had his first grandchild. Even if he doesn't see them that much or hasn't in the past, maybe he wants to start seeing them more often now, and a 14 hour drive is a very different story to a plane journey.
Secondly, even if you did think you could make this work again as a long distance relationship, do you really think you would be able to let it lie? You said he's done something like this before, although he didn't actually sleep with the girl the first time, could you really put all of your trust in him again? Because I know that if it was me, I'd spend all day and night worrying that he was out cheating, and it would drive me crazy.
I know it must be really difficult for you and so hurtful that he slept with another girl on your anniversary and that you didn't get closure from him, but I definitely think you need to move on with your life. You need to find someone who makes you happy again, rather than clutching at straws with a man who has treated you badly.
If it would help you at all, perhaps you need to write him a letter explaining that what he did hurt you, and that he was in the wrong to underestimate you in the sense that he can do what he wants behind your back and you'd still be there for him to lean on. You have to tell him that you're ending this on your terms, because what he did was horrible. Make sure you send it to the friend so you know he's read it, and even if you don't get a response, you know that now, the decision lies with you not him, and he's going to have to learn to live with it.

After that, I would try to get rid of all contact with him and his friend. It's always hard getting over someone, but even harder when everything around you reminds you of them. Thankfully, you have the luck of never having to bump into this man again, as he lives so far away.

I know that how you're feeling now is awful, but with each day that passes it will become easier. And eventually, you'll be able to find a man who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him and will love you back. He will treat you exactly how you deserve to be treated, and from this day forward, you can look forward to meeting that man, rather than reminiscing for a man who treated you badly and undignified in the end.

I hope it all works out for you, and I wish you all the happiness in the world.

This is the issue with Long distance relationships. At some point they have to stop being long distance. 3 years is a long time, often before that one party or the other has to make some choices to move to where the other one is at.

Long distance relationships most likely stop or end when one party or the other decides that they want something more. And find a close at home relationship

And when it ends, there is never good closure. You need to accept and make plans on moving on.

Thanks for all the words of wisdom everyone! Just wanted to let you know that I'm doing pretty good now. I've gotten a lot of advice and support from friends, family and people like you that have really helped me get over this and I'm working hard at rebuilding myself. I had a few minor medical issues so I was put on a strict diet so now I'm feeling fabulous and as a bonus I've lost 24 pounds so that's done wonders for my outlook on life.

I struggled for a long time because I wanted him to at least apologize for what he did to me so I sent him an email but of course he didn't reply. The good thing that came out of that was that by continuing to ignore me it actually helped me. I guess I finally realized that if he couldn't even say he was sorry then he truly isn't the guy that I knew and I don't want or need someone like him in my life. I know all the things he did before should have made me realize that but maybe it was just the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. It was exactly what I needed though because since that day I've been getting stonger and stronger and I know that one day I'll find a man who truly deserves my love and trust. And even if I don't having no man in my life is far better than a lying, cheating coward!

And the icing on the cake is that I found out that karma has really bitten him in the ***. His new girlfriend is pregnant so he's freaking out and apparently there's some question about whether the baby is even his. I actually laughed when I heard about it so I know I'm well on my way to forgetting about him and no matter what he does I'll always be the winner because he's not my problem anymore! Thanks again for all your help everyone!

I realize this is a really old thread, but sometimes closure causes more harm than good. Hurtful things can be said that stick with you longer than what you actually imagine could be true. I was in a long-distance relationship off and on for a year and a half and the things that were said in our last conversations are the things that cause me the most pain--every phone call was worse until I felt like my self-respect was out the door. Sometimes it's best not to discuss, especially since you know it was just the distance. Also, I think something like 94% of long-distance relationships don't work out, no matter how much you love and want to be with the person...

And as far as men go, unfortunately, when it's over it's over--their emotions don't linger as much as ours do.

I doubt that closure comes anywhere near the break up. Closure in a relationship is whenever you get over it completely. So go no contact, remaining busy, and let time do it's job.

Thanks, Javi. Words of wisdom.