Waiting2Breathe
Aug 12, 2011, 12:50 AM
I truly don't know where to begin. And, this will be kindof long. But, here goes.
Back when I was 14(I'm 44 now), my older sister abandoned her three children(all of them under school-age). At the time their father did not have custody... the three children lived with 'Jean', who lived with my grandmother.
When 'Jean' left, no one knew where she was for three months. We all assumed the worst. Then, one evening, she called mom and told her that she wouldn't be coming home, to let the children live with 'Barry', and that was all of the call.
My grandmother and 'Barry' did not get along and she didn't want the kids to live with him. Which, as it turned out was fine because 'Barry' couldn't keep all three of them in the house he shared with his mother, step-father, and sister. The final arrangement was that two of them would stay with 'Barry' and the middle child would stay with my grandmother.
Fast forward one year... 'Barry' is shot to death by his step-father during an argument. His mother cannot 'handle' the two children, so, they come to stay with my grandmother who is past the age of 70 at this point. We live next door to granny, and mom goes to help her on a daily basis.
My mom, during this time is past 50 with Rheumatoid Arthritis and walks with a crutch. Granny has high blood pressure, glaucoma, and diabetes.
Fast forward two years... Daddy dies at work from a heart attack. Now, it's just granny, mom, me, and my younger sister helping with the children. Their aunt and grandmother on 'Barry's' side never offers any assistance.
Fast forward 18 months... Mama's mother dies of a stroke. Now, mom has lost one daughter, a husband, and her mother. Plus, she now has the full responsibility of three grandchildren. The children now move in with us next door.
In the ensuing turbulant years that followed, we found ourselves in and out of the court with the two older girls because they refused to attend school. When I went to bed at night, often I prayed for the morning not to come, because of all the fighting that would happen about school.
Eventually, the middle girl was taken from our home and put in a youth facility for the remainder of the school year. When she got out, it was the same all over again. I honestly don't know how the oldest girl escaped the courts as much as she did, because she skipped school and was picked up by the cops on several occasions.
As they were growing up, often, mom couldn't physically take them to the doctor's office, go meet their teachers, dentist, etc. so, I took her place.
My younger sister was married by age 19, so, that left only mom and myself to finish raising the kids. I cannot convey with the printed word how much I prayed for escape. There was never, and I mean never, a moments peace in our home.
With all of the stress, I turned to food. I was always chunky as a child, it just got worse during this time.
When the middle girl reached age 18, she married, thus leaving the oldest girl and younger brother with us. And, ironically, they remain so to this day. The oldest girl turned 36 in July and he will turn 34 in September.
Here is where it becomes difficult for me to accurately paint, for you, my life and what I have been struggling with for a number of years. However, I will try.
Before all of the kids were beyond school age, mom reached a point where she wasn't able to drive anymore. So, I took over all of the driving, whereas before, I was sharing it with her. This I didn't mind at all. She and I became more than just mother and daughter after my younger sister married... we became partners in a job that had to be done; with only us two left to do it.
With the middle girl married, things settled down a bit in our home. Although none of the kids finished school, the boy took his GED test, went to college for an Associates in Science, then became a tutor; which he continues to do this day. The oldest girl went to work and has been a regular worker... she never misses a day, even when she is sick.
Like I wrote earlier, this is the difficult part, so, please bare with me...
Mom and I have sacrificed much to raise the children. And, for awhile, after the ones left at home were past twenty, it seemed to me at least, that they would go on and be their own people... as it were. Then, I could start living my life like I wanted to for so long and mom could continue hers in peace.
Fate, it seems, has deemed otherwise.
I continued being the driver for our family. The years came and went. Any job that I took had to be situated around my niece and nephew's schedule. And, I honestly didn't mind. Sure, it was hard to always find such a job and all of them were part-time because of the constraints. At times it would get to me, but, I held it in. Mom's pressure was not good and she would get upset if a big argument arose.
I never imagined that my niece and nephew would not want to have their own driver's license and eventually find a car that they could afford. Just like we have done and everyone else does who works regularly. But, it's true.
I continued driving for everyone until I was 31. A severe flu hit me that year and after that winter, my health began to plummet. Later in the summer, I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
I was so sick. No one knows but God Himself, how sick I really was. The cruelest thing, however, was that I didn't 'look' sick. The fatigue was incredible. No words can describe how physically tired I was. And, not only was I tired, I also suffered from vertigo, depression, anxiety, brain fog, forgetfullness, etc.
The fatigue is not so bad now, but, the other symptoms are still with me after 12 years.
By this time, I was having great difficulty 'keeping it in'. Sometimes, I would blow up at my niece and nephew about getting their license. Mom would get upset, especially when it came to my nephew. I couldn't talk to her about it.
Along with the diagnosis of CFS, came the inability to work. I filed for disability with my doctor's blessing and fought for 7 long years before I received my first check. They approved me for SSI instead of SSDI because I had not accrued enough credits from my time spent working to qualify for the SSDI.
Large arguments continued between myself and my niece and nephew. Finally, at the age of 33, my niece took her driving test and passed. Now, she could drive herself back and forth to work. That was one less trip I had to make.
I was happy when she had her license, because of the obvious, and, also because I thought that she would help me with her brother. I thought that she could either pick him up or drop him off at work. But, that didn't work out like I had hoped.
Yes, she would drive to work. No, she would not help with her brother because she was afraid to drive in town. So, she limited herself for three years to one road: the one that led between home and her place of employment.
My symptoms were becoming more debilitating by the year. During the last 12 years, I have also lost the vision in my right eye due to nerve damage, developed severe panic attacks that require medication, and, 4 years ago, I developed an electrical problem in my heart that required a pacemaker.
When I came home from the hospital, I was not able to drive for about 3 weeks. I had to sleep on my right side only, for 6 weeks and wear a sling for my left arm.
During the time that I couldn't drive, my nephew had to turn to his other sister's husband to drive him to work. Everyday, when he came home, he would complain about how much 'Larry' charged for gas per day, etc.
I kept quiet. Mainly because I was slipping into a dark depression from having the 'last straw' broken.
Also, I just knew, in my heart, that after all of the years I had sacrificed for my nephew... now, when I needed help the most, he would not put me in that position again. That he would either get his license or find another way to work.
After three weeks post-op, I had palpitations, shortness of breath, and it took a while longer until I could resume walking for any distance, such as the grocery store.. etc. I remember riding around in the store on the electric carts because I was afraid I would lose my breath in the middle of the store and couldn't get back to the car. It was the most horrible time for me.
I cried daily for 15 months. I was afraid of the pacemaker, afraid that another grim discovery was waiting for me.
I literally gave up any and all hope of ever getting well and having anykind of a 'normal' life; whatever that is.
In truth, I didn't want to drive anymore. But, mom talked with me one day and told me that if I didn't get back to doing some of the things that kept me from being housebound, like driving, then I would reach a point of no return. I would never drive, never get out of the house. So, I slowly began going out again.
And the weirdest thing, all of the places that I had driven so many times before that I cannot possibly count them... they seemed alien to me. Later, I realized that the places hadn't changed, it was me who had changed... on the inside.
I began to constantly envy the angels. Everyday, I thought and still do, how blessed they are to never have to worry about pain, sickness of any kind, or even dying. It never crosses their mind. To have such a wonderful blessing... I wouldn't know what to do with myself. But, life goes on.
At that time, I had a talk with my nephew. His brother-in-law continued to drive him to work. I said, "I will drive you to work on one condition, that you begin working toward your driver's license." He agreed.
To this day, 4 years later, he still does not have his license. As much as I love my mother. As much as I have sacrificed... dating, marriage, my own family... I have reached a point of no return. I had had enough. I couldn't take any more.
This past spring, I cut all ties with my nephew. He now is back with his brother-in-law and, as far as I'm concerned, he can stay there. I have never been so hurt in all of my life as I have by my niece and nephew.
I now know that they care nothing for me. I was used until there was nothing left to use. I feel like such a fool.
One year ago, my niece lost her license because she couldn't drive into town to turn her old tags in from her previous car. So, now she has to pay $600 to have it re-instated. She will never have that much. All of us live in a run-down mobile home because neither her nor her brother will invest anything that they earn into anykind of repair work.
There is a lot more I can write, but, I'll stop here. I thank anyone who has read this far.
I am at a point where I don't know what to do. I feel like running screaming from this place. My mom will be 80 years old this October and if I couldn't leave her before, my consciousness will not let me leave her now even if I could.
I sacrificed all of my healthy years when I was able to work. These last 12 years of sickness have left me with nothing but some pocket change from the government each month. Not even enough to live on. There have been a couple of occasions when the home next door has come up for rent, but, I don't draw enough to move out.
Plus, we only have the one car, which wouldn't be such an issue if I could afford to rent a home next door to my mom.
It's gotten so bad for myself mentally, that I don't 'care' for myself like I should. I am happiest when I'm asleep since I can 'escape' my 'prison' for a time. I don't speak to my nephew at all since spring even though he lives here.
I'm lonely, depressed, isolated, and have given up hope of any kind of life that I had hoped for. My weight is 100 pounds too much, I can't afford healthy food to follow the diet my doctor wants me too, and I have turned much of the anger inward toward myself.
I'm in such a deep hole I have no idea how to even begin to climb out. I used to have a therapist, but, she cut me loose when I couldn't make myself go to the appointments. I have thought of checking myself into a mental hospital for care and maybe the time away from home would help me, but, then there is mom... I'm the only driver again in the family and if I leave, she will have no one again.
The only reason I am still here is my mother. But, at times, I am resentful toward mom, without reason. She never asked me to give up anything. I told her that I'd be here as long as she needed me and I meant it. But, in my wildest dreams... I never, in my life, thought it would be for the next 30 years and counting.
I just want to be able to make the same choices that my other sisters, mother, grandmothers, etc. have made with their lives. To be able to have my own place, my own car, find someone who loves me and I him.
I've only dated once in my life... that was when I was about 20 or so... I haven't been on a date in so long I don't even know what one is like anymore.
I just want to be able to live! I'm so bitter and angry. I've begun to cry again, only this time it's from anger instead of sadness. I hate to even come home after running my errands.
I just... I just don't know what to do, because there is nothing I can do. So, I sit here tonight, in front of my computer, typing out my deepest feelings in hopes that someone will have an answer. That someone can give me some hope.
I've asked myself if I had the chance to do it all over again.. would I do it differently? No, I would never abandon my mother. I would still offer her my help.
I love my mom and think she is a wonderful woman who gave me the gift of life. I sacrificed my personal freedom and life to be there for her and help because she had no one else.
But, in the process of doing so, I have lost myself along with the life I imagined so long ago.
Back when I was 14(I'm 44 now), my older sister abandoned her three children(all of them under school-age). At the time their father did not have custody... the three children lived with 'Jean', who lived with my grandmother.
When 'Jean' left, no one knew where she was for three months. We all assumed the worst. Then, one evening, she called mom and told her that she wouldn't be coming home, to let the children live with 'Barry', and that was all of the call.
My grandmother and 'Barry' did not get along and she didn't want the kids to live with him. Which, as it turned out was fine because 'Barry' couldn't keep all three of them in the house he shared with his mother, step-father, and sister. The final arrangement was that two of them would stay with 'Barry' and the middle child would stay with my grandmother.
Fast forward one year... 'Barry' is shot to death by his step-father during an argument. His mother cannot 'handle' the two children, so, they come to stay with my grandmother who is past the age of 70 at this point. We live next door to granny, and mom goes to help her on a daily basis.
My mom, during this time is past 50 with Rheumatoid Arthritis and walks with a crutch. Granny has high blood pressure, glaucoma, and diabetes.
Fast forward two years... Daddy dies at work from a heart attack. Now, it's just granny, mom, me, and my younger sister helping with the children. Their aunt and grandmother on 'Barry's' side never offers any assistance.
Fast forward 18 months... Mama's mother dies of a stroke. Now, mom has lost one daughter, a husband, and her mother. Plus, she now has the full responsibility of three grandchildren. The children now move in with us next door.
In the ensuing turbulant years that followed, we found ourselves in and out of the court with the two older girls because they refused to attend school. When I went to bed at night, often I prayed for the morning not to come, because of all the fighting that would happen about school.
Eventually, the middle girl was taken from our home and put in a youth facility for the remainder of the school year. When she got out, it was the same all over again. I honestly don't know how the oldest girl escaped the courts as much as she did, because she skipped school and was picked up by the cops on several occasions.
As they were growing up, often, mom couldn't physically take them to the doctor's office, go meet their teachers, dentist, etc. so, I took her place.
My younger sister was married by age 19, so, that left only mom and myself to finish raising the kids. I cannot convey with the printed word how much I prayed for escape. There was never, and I mean never, a moments peace in our home.
With all of the stress, I turned to food. I was always chunky as a child, it just got worse during this time.
When the middle girl reached age 18, she married, thus leaving the oldest girl and younger brother with us. And, ironically, they remain so to this day. The oldest girl turned 36 in July and he will turn 34 in September.
Here is where it becomes difficult for me to accurately paint, for you, my life and what I have been struggling with for a number of years. However, I will try.
Before all of the kids were beyond school age, mom reached a point where she wasn't able to drive anymore. So, I took over all of the driving, whereas before, I was sharing it with her. This I didn't mind at all. She and I became more than just mother and daughter after my younger sister married... we became partners in a job that had to be done; with only us two left to do it.
With the middle girl married, things settled down a bit in our home. Although none of the kids finished school, the boy took his GED test, went to college for an Associates in Science, then became a tutor; which he continues to do this day. The oldest girl went to work and has been a regular worker... she never misses a day, even when she is sick.
Like I wrote earlier, this is the difficult part, so, please bare with me...
Mom and I have sacrificed much to raise the children. And, for awhile, after the ones left at home were past twenty, it seemed to me at least, that they would go on and be their own people... as it were. Then, I could start living my life like I wanted to for so long and mom could continue hers in peace.
Fate, it seems, has deemed otherwise.
I continued being the driver for our family. The years came and went. Any job that I took had to be situated around my niece and nephew's schedule. And, I honestly didn't mind. Sure, it was hard to always find such a job and all of them were part-time because of the constraints. At times it would get to me, but, I held it in. Mom's pressure was not good and she would get upset if a big argument arose.
I never imagined that my niece and nephew would not want to have their own driver's license and eventually find a car that they could afford. Just like we have done and everyone else does who works regularly. But, it's true.
I continued driving for everyone until I was 31. A severe flu hit me that year and after that winter, my health began to plummet. Later in the summer, I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
I was so sick. No one knows but God Himself, how sick I really was. The cruelest thing, however, was that I didn't 'look' sick. The fatigue was incredible. No words can describe how physically tired I was. And, not only was I tired, I also suffered from vertigo, depression, anxiety, brain fog, forgetfullness, etc.
The fatigue is not so bad now, but, the other symptoms are still with me after 12 years.
By this time, I was having great difficulty 'keeping it in'. Sometimes, I would blow up at my niece and nephew about getting their license. Mom would get upset, especially when it came to my nephew. I couldn't talk to her about it.
Along with the diagnosis of CFS, came the inability to work. I filed for disability with my doctor's blessing and fought for 7 long years before I received my first check. They approved me for SSI instead of SSDI because I had not accrued enough credits from my time spent working to qualify for the SSDI.
Large arguments continued between myself and my niece and nephew. Finally, at the age of 33, my niece took her driving test and passed. Now, she could drive herself back and forth to work. That was one less trip I had to make.
I was happy when she had her license, because of the obvious, and, also because I thought that she would help me with her brother. I thought that she could either pick him up or drop him off at work. But, that didn't work out like I had hoped.
Yes, she would drive to work. No, she would not help with her brother because she was afraid to drive in town. So, she limited herself for three years to one road: the one that led between home and her place of employment.
My symptoms were becoming more debilitating by the year. During the last 12 years, I have also lost the vision in my right eye due to nerve damage, developed severe panic attacks that require medication, and, 4 years ago, I developed an electrical problem in my heart that required a pacemaker.
When I came home from the hospital, I was not able to drive for about 3 weeks. I had to sleep on my right side only, for 6 weeks and wear a sling for my left arm.
During the time that I couldn't drive, my nephew had to turn to his other sister's husband to drive him to work. Everyday, when he came home, he would complain about how much 'Larry' charged for gas per day, etc.
I kept quiet. Mainly because I was slipping into a dark depression from having the 'last straw' broken.
Also, I just knew, in my heart, that after all of the years I had sacrificed for my nephew... now, when I needed help the most, he would not put me in that position again. That he would either get his license or find another way to work.
After three weeks post-op, I had palpitations, shortness of breath, and it took a while longer until I could resume walking for any distance, such as the grocery store.. etc. I remember riding around in the store on the electric carts because I was afraid I would lose my breath in the middle of the store and couldn't get back to the car. It was the most horrible time for me.
I cried daily for 15 months. I was afraid of the pacemaker, afraid that another grim discovery was waiting for me.
I literally gave up any and all hope of ever getting well and having anykind of a 'normal' life; whatever that is.
In truth, I didn't want to drive anymore. But, mom talked with me one day and told me that if I didn't get back to doing some of the things that kept me from being housebound, like driving, then I would reach a point of no return. I would never drive, never get out of the house. So, I slowly began going out again.
And the weirdest thing, all of the places that I had driven so many times before that I cannot possibly count them... they seemed alien to me. Later, I realized that the places hadn't changed, it was me who had changed... on the inside.
I began to constantly envy the angels. Everyday, I thought and still do, how blessed they are to never have to worry about pain, sickness of any kind, or even dying. It never crosses their mind. To have such a wonderful blessing... I wouldn't know what to do with myself. But, life goes on.
At that time, I had a talk with my nephew. His brother-in-law continued to drive him to work. I said, "I will drive you to work on one condition, that you begin working toward your driver's license." He agreed.
To this day, 4 years later, he still does not have his license. As much as I love my mother. As much as I have sacrificed... dating, marriage, my own family... I have reached a point of no return. I had had enough. I couldn't take any more.
This past spring, I cut all ties with my nephew. He now is back with his brother-in-law and, as far as I'm concerned, he can stay there. I have never been so hurt in all of my life as I have by my niece and nephew.
I now know that they care nothing for me. I was used until there was nothing left to use. I feel like such a fool.
One year ago, my niece lost her license because she couldn't drive into town to turn her old tags in from her previous car. So, now she has to pay $600 to have it re-instated. She will never have that much. All of us live in a run-down mobile home because neither her nor her brother will invest anything that they earn into anykind of repair work.
There is a lot more I can write, but, I'll stop here. I thank anyone who has read this far.
I am at a point where I don't know what to do. I feel like running screaming from this place. My mom will be 80 years old this October and if I couldn't leave her before, my consciousness will not let me leave her now even if I could.
I sacrificed all of my healthy years when I was able to work. These last 12 years of sickness have left me with nothing but some pocket change from the government each month. Not even enough to live on. There have been a couple of occasions when the home next door has come up for rent, but, I don't draw enough to move out.
Plus, we only have the one car, which wouldn't be such an issue if I could afford to rent a home next door to my mom.
It's gotten so bad for myself mentally, that I don't 'care' for myself like I should. I am happiest when I'm asleep since I can 'escape' my 'prison' for a time. I don't speak to my nephew at all since spring even though he lives here.
I'm lonely, depressed, isolated, and have given up hope of any kind of life that I had hoped for. My weight is 100 pounds too much, I can't afford healthy food to follow the diet my doctor wants me too, and I have turned much of the anger inward toward myself.
I'm in such a deep hole I have no idea how to even begin to climb out. I used to have a therapist, but, she cut me loose when I couldn't make myself go to the appointments. I have thought of checking myself into a mental hospital for care and maybe the time away from home would help me, but, then there is mom... I'm the only driver again in the family and if I leave, she will have no one again.
The only reason I am still here is my mother. But, at times, I am resentful toward mom, without reason. She never asked me to give up anything. I told her that I'd be here as long as she needed me and I meant it. But, in my wildest dreams... I never, in my life, thought it would be for the next 30 years and counting.
I just want to be able to make the same choices that my other sisters, mother, grandmothers, etc. have made with their lives. To be able to have my own place, my own car, find someone who loves me and I him.
I've only dated once in my life... that was when I was about 20 or so... I haven't been on a date in so long I don't even know what one is like anymore.
I just want to be able to live! I'm so bitter and angry. I've begun to cry again, only this time it's from anger instead of sadness. I hate to even come home after running my errands.
I just... I just don't know what to do, because there is nothing I can do. So, I sit here tonight, in front of my computer, typing out my deepest feelings in hopes that someone will have an answer. That someone can give me some hope.
I've asked myself if I had the chance to do it all over again.. would I do it differently? No, I would never abandon my mother. I would still offer her my help.
I love my mom and think she is a wonderful woman who gave me the gift of life. I sacrificed my personal freedom and life to be there for her and help because she had no one else.
But, in the process of doing so, I have lost myself along with the life I imagined so long ago.