Been dating a man for about 3 1/2 months. We are both in our early 40s. He has been divorced for 2 years, I've never been married. We have really hit it off, and have had really wonderful dates together... constantly texting... have long telephone conversations several times a week... During the past few weeks, he has begun to "back off" and make comments like "I don't want to fall in love..." "I'm not ready for a relationship" etc. I have never pushed for any form of commitment and have been totally sympathetic to the fact that he has a ton of fears that stem from his divorce and how incredibly difficult the whole process after the divorce was for him. Then for 2 weekends (we have been going out every weekend since we met--and because of our work schedules and the distance between us, we really can't meet during the week) he has been "busy with friends, work etc." and we haven't gone out. In the meantime he has been initiating texts and phone calls and all has been really "normal" and actually "great" in our communications... yet no mention of going out. Then two days ago he tells me that he has realized that he is not ready to be in a dating relationship and especially to take things further than where we are at right now. He attributes it to not being ready due to issues he is still struggling with, and it having nothing to do with me... he says he is not ready to date anyone. And he didn't realize that until things started heating up between the two of us and he started to have issue and unresolved feelings start to crop up again... The catch is that he does not want to cut me off completely. He would like to continue communicating with me like we have been and even meeting for lunch / coffee dates here and there, but doesn't want to be in a position where all of the romantic / sexual feelings crop up and we pursue it (i.e. kissing, my sleeping at his place etc). Now I know that he is the type of man that would tell me "I've lost interest...and I just don't think you are the one" if that were the case. He would... but he is telling me that it is him that cannot handle pursuing a relationship right now, but that he really likes me, and would hate to lose me from his life. He told me that he thinks about me every day, that he finds himself constantly wanting to share little things that happen to him with me, that he has shared things with me that only very few people know or no one knows about, and that he definitely wouldn't be talking with me for hours at a time (our phone conversations tend to be no shorter than 3 hours! We talk a lot! Our first date was over 5 hours long-- us sitting at a restaurtant talking forever without noticing time go by... ) if he didn't really enjoy it and look forward to talking with me. I just don't think he would be telling me that he "doesn't want to fall in love..." if he didn't feel that it was a possibility with me, and obviously that scares him to death!! He's so afraid of intimacy right now! He's fought the fear, but it now seems to have won him over!

I just don't know what to do from here... I'm obviously invested and my feelings are invested, but I recognize that it may not be the healthiest thing for me to hold on to hope. He tells me that things could change for him soon, but that he can't obviously make any guarantees, because he himself is surprised by all of his current responses and fears and going back to the memories of the hurt after the divorce. He's worked hard at moving on... and has discovered he's not quite there yet. So, what do I do when and if he does text me and /or call me? He may or may not... I'm not ready to let go here, but my quandry is "can I be a friend and let that take it's course with the possibility of there being more in the long run or not..." I know that at some level only I can answer that but any feedback or advice would be appreciated! I feel despair creeping in because I really like this guy... yet I clearly know that his feelings are his feelings and I can't change them! But he does like me... Help! Many thanks!!

I think he is being very honest and up-front with you. He likes being friendly with you, but as you approach a more serious kind of relationship, he's having difficulty.

It can take a long time to get over the end of a marriage. He hasn't had to face these kinds of feelings in the last two years, so he's uncertain of himself right now.

Are you okay being a friend to him for awhile? You can't wait forever, but unless you have something else you want to get to right away, why not give him some time?

He might be worth the wait.

Appreciate his honesty, and slow down and get to know each other better as friends, with no false hope, being carried away by emotions, no pushing things, and keep expectations realistic.

What's the hurry??

Thank you... That is good advice. Just hard to not let "emotions" and "hopes" take over since it has been over 3 months and things have been intensifying. Now it's not only putting on the brakes, but actually going backwards. I'm aiming to give it a try right now, and be there as his friends. I never had any rush for any sort of commitment... And I do enjoy being with him. Let's see... Any other advice on how best to support him with regard to coping with the loss of a 10 year marriage would be appreciated!! Thanks...

You don't, you keep your own life balanced, with your own family, friends, and activities so you can keep things in there proper perspective, and be able to pay attention as you learn more about this fellow without all those emotions blinding you to reality.

Then you may not be so carried away by intense feelings, and lose all common sense. And don't run head first into a brick wall. Anything looks great when you first start, but as you play with it a while, it gets old. Didn't you learn that when you were younger? Few divorces, or break ups, are one sided, and we all have our faults don't we.

Don't chase him in the name of friendship, and don't wait for it to happen, live your own life, and enjoy doing your own thing. And keep those feelings under control, and your heart safe and secure. You don't force friendships, the happen over time. That's what he was telling you, and that's what I am telling you again, just in case you missed it.