Here's a bit of background: after 4 years of marriage I found out my ex husband had been having an affair for 3 and has two children with one woman and one more with another. For obvious reasons I opted for divource and have now been separated for 9 months.

My question is regarding dating after divource. I had my "rebounds" and went on a couple small dates here and there during the first few months. Now I've reconnected with an old romance from before my marriage (ended because of long distance but he lives near me now), and we seem to be hitting things off. As far as we have discussed neitehr of us are seeing or sleeping with anyone else, but we are not exclusive. When we are together it seems to be exactly what I want and I get treated the way I deserve to be. However, it takes a lot of work to get him to come out. It almost seems like I have to pester him to come see me. But when he asks me he expects me to jump on the opportunity to go out. I have two jobs, so I have limited time to spend with him, and it just doesn't seem like he's putting in the same amount of effort as I am.
Could this be a lost cause? That I was simply an easy solution for him to have fun? Or am I overreasing it too much? I just haven't dated in so long that I have no idea how to do this anymore. All I know is my ex

I think he sees you as a casual contact and he wants you available when he wants you.

By not having respect for your time, and ensuring you are not exclusive, I think you indeed are the "easy solution" you suggest.

Just because your marriage and the first couple of dates after your divorce didn't work out, doesn't mean you should settle for someone who isn't making you happy.
You said that he was an old flame that didn't work out because you lived far away from each other, but maybe it didn't work out last time because you lived far away and he wasn't willing to do half the travelling, and you're only just realising this side of him now.

You've just got out of an unhappy marriage, why jump straight back into a relationship where you're not happy either? Take some time for yourself and get happy again before you even contemplate a new relationship.

It seems like your going through a rough time relationship wise. I'm sure you will find the right one for you soon. If this guy that your with now makes you happy then live together for a while and see how things go, if its just not working then you can always separate and make your own decisions. Good luck!

If you can see dating as just a way to have fun getting to know someone, and not expecting it to be an exclusive relationship, I think you will enjoy having many options and opportunities, when YOU want them.

I don't care how long you know someone, its easy to just be focused on what we want from one person, and have very high unrealistic expectations and move much to fast into something with them.

casually having fun friends makes for a great social outlet, and keeps you balanced and alert before you decide to give your heart to a stranger, and makes it much easier to see red flags of danger, and avoid it.

As long a lust is kept out of the equations early, the brain can work better and see that things may not be as they seem, and keep you cautious.

That's what dating is, and should be, safe easy fun. Not an interview for the next committed relationship.

Just have fun for 6 months to a year, and then decide about sex, and commitments. I understand we all want somebody, but you want the right body, and not just the convenient body.

Have fun, who need confusion, and drama?

Talaniman Rule - Date them all! Short, fat, skinny, or tall! 18 to 80, blind, cripple, or crazy.

Thank you everyone. I ended up trying a little experiment with him. I made the decision that I would not go see him but wait until he wanted to come see me. He did make an efford to make contact with me, but I realized then that it was only for the sexual aspect rather than being with me. He would only call past 10pm or when he was drinking, said he wasn't intending to spend the night.
Long story short, I ended things with him. Agh1990 you were right with the fact that our relationship ended because he wasn't willing to do half the traveling. I was just making excuses when I ran back into him, thinking that because he lives closer now and it's been 5 years, that maybe he's grown up. Obviously not.

I have met someone new since then. I wasn't looking nor making myself available, and I just worked out. I'm happy for the first time in years, and am excited about what's to come.