My wife and I have been happily married now for 4 years, I married her knowing she had a son (who himself is an adult and did not live anymore at home), I had a good relationship with my son-in-law despite his disgusting personal hygiene, manners, etiquette and lack of respect (he didn't live with us, so I did not have to deal with it other than on the odd occasional weekend he would visit). I would consider that we were quite good friends. My wife and him are russian and the most of the time talk to each other in russian and I am unable to understand nor speak it. Which does slightly bug me when they both know English very very well..

Several months ago he split up with his girlfriend and she left him paying all of his rent by himself, he was managing, but he wanted to buy a car for 13k. The bank refused him a loan because his outgoings were just too close to his income. He comes up with a plan that if he moves in with us (we have 3 "spare" rooms), pays next to no rent, takes the loan from the bank, buys the car, then moves back out, all will be OK. From step one I was against it, although I like the guy, I find his personal hygiene repulsive. The last thing I wanted was him moving his dirty things into our home. But my wife being the loving mother that she is agrees. Well it all happened fairly quickly, he got the loan, started a business and bought 2 cars.

My wife is currently only at home for the weekends as she is studying in another city as a specialised dentist and doing her PhD. So the time we have together is very important to us.

The problem now is that he doesn't seem to be in any hurry to leave, and subsequently has forgotten who's house he is living in

He smokes and regardless that the house is a none smoking house it is starting to smell like tobacco because he chooses to smoke outside the door with it open.

His underwear, clothes, dirty dishes, un-opened mail, discarded items can be found all over the house, and they won't ever get washed unless my wife is at home, and he gets her to do it.

His personal hygiene is so bad that it is causing him in my opinion serious health risks.

The electricity bill has increased substantially since he moved in, he leaves almost every appliance on even if he leaves the house.

Despite no longer being a guest to the house and actually being considered a contributing member of the family he has only offered to make food twice and this was in the form of foods that required no cooking.

He will never ever go grocery shopping unless my wife decides she wants to go, and he will fill up the trolley with the things we would never normally buy, and as a result our shopping costs have risen by about 200%

He dislikes using his own PC in his own room because my wife's machine is 100 times faster, and is virus free. I have been forced to add parental limits to it because he is downloading pirate movies, music, and sucking up all bandwidth we have. My wife needs to do her own things, such as her PhD work. He will hijack the PC for himself and choosing not to cause a problem she will just go and watch TV. In turn causing her to have to do the work at another time. In a tighter schedule.

He started a new business but for some reason my wife is the one dealing with literally ALL of his paperwork, tax, and banking. He shows no interest in any of these things.


He allowed us the use of one of his cars and despite having 20 years of clean driving experience, he keeps telling me I am damaging his car, accusing me of scrapes on the fender when I have pictures that show these scrapes even before we had the car.

For the most part of the week he is not at home, probably because he knows he will not get help for things he should be doing himself from me. In my opinion I try to tolerate all these things the best I can, I clean his things up, put his clothes onto his bed, I clean up his bathroom etc all without saying anything directly as to any normal person these things would be pretty hurtful "Your hygiene is appalling, go take a shower", and again that he is an adult, He is not my son and I am in no place to treat him like a child.

When I try to talk to my wife about these things she gets very defensive, reminding me that he lives here too, he is her son, and has rights. (Regardless that she does actually agree with most of my issues with him).

The tension build-up at home is incredible and the relationship between myself, and the wife is failing very quickly. We spend most of the time arguing now over issues almost always regarding her son. And I feel I am not able to continue anymore with the way things are going.

I don't know what I am able to do.

Are there things I could do/say differently? Am I being unreasonably strict with him?

I think this is a case of having a man to man talk, and though its you and your wife's home, you are the king of the roost, and you have rules, reasonable ones, and if he cannot abide by them he is on his own. No need to argue with your wife, until she gets between the two of you on his side.

Now if he choses to tell mommy, then you tell your wife to stay out of the relationship between you and your adult step son, because you are the king of this castle and no other man will rule your roost.

Kind of harsh I know, and I see a lot of resistance coming from both your wife, and her son. But staying out of his alloted, personal space, messy as it may be, and having that private talk, is where I would start.

You are absolutely not being unreasonably strict.
Whilst he is not a child and is not your son, he needs to remember that he is living virtually rent free in YOUR home, and he needs to treat it with respect.

Add up every single extra penny it is costing you to keep him. I'm talking about food, water bills, electricity, gas, everything. Then take it to him and say that this is what he needs to start paying in rent because you can't afford to keep him.
Also, make it very clear that this is your home and whilst he is living under your roof he will abide by your rules. If he starts saying that he is not a child, tell him to stop acting like one.
Also, get him to start doing his own accounting for his business.

These measures, although they may seem it, are not harsh. The man (you have to remember that he is a MAN, not a BOY) is taking yours and your wife's good nature for granted, but if he can manage to afford two cars and to set up a small business, he can afford to start paying for his keep.

Once you've put these measures in place, he will soon realise that actually, living with you is more hassle than benefit, and he will eventually move out. As for any tensions this may be causing for your relationship with your wife, just simply say that the man is an adult and you won't stand for him taking advantage of the two of you anymore. If his habits are annoying her too, then she shouldn't object to any of the measures.

You wouldn't be washing and ironing a lodgers clothes, or paying for his extra food in the fridge, or cooking for him every night, or allowing him to leave his dirty belongings around the house. And just because this man is your wife's son, does not mean it's acceptable for him to do it.