I've been married happily to my wife for 2 years now. We have never had sex, even on our wedding night we slept in seprate beds... I love my wife and I would never cheat, but I feel like I'm a bad husband for not understanding why she dislikes being touched in a loving way. When we first started dating it was in high school. Before then we literally ran into each other and were friends for years. I never asked about her relationships before me and really I'd rather not know. I've done everything in being gently with her and I'm not trying to ask should I be rough at all, I just want to know how to somewhat change her mind.

She's a beautiful woman and we talk about everything but when it comes down to sex and kids, we'll she just gets upset and tells me, she can't and walks away... I really don't know what to do anymore...

I think this might be beyond your ability to fix. She should get herself some help. A therapist would probably be able to help.

Though to be truthful, it baffles be why you would get married and stay married after this little piece of information came out. You're a heck of a man. All you can do is get her to get help. If she wants to get help.

You also probably need to communicate the strain this is putting on your relationship. Communication is the key here.

I agree with last answer. The fact that she gets upset could mean something traumatic has happened to her in the past. Let her know you love her and care. Intimacy is important in a relationship. It keeps us feeling desirable and playful. :)

Yes, there needs to be talks about why she can't, not walking away, I would say professional local help is needed

Wow!

Married for 2 years and you've never had sex with your wife?

Did you know what you were getting into before you married? Did she tell you there would never be sex?

I know that some people have suggested that something traumatic may have happened to her. If so, I sympathize. But, I have to say. I was molested as a child, from the age of 5 for many years, and I was raped when I was 18. I'm married, and my husband and I have a normal healthy sex life.

To marry someone and then deny them sex, that's not normal, not logical, and frankly, it's more then just cause for divorce.

It's time that she got some very serious help.

You can't be expected to live like this.

I too had some traumatic sexual experiences and whilst they did cause difficulties at times in my life they were nothing that couldn't be overcome with a little help. However your wife has to be prepared to get that help.

If she isn't you can only ask yourself if you are prepared to live in a celibate marriage. Some people do, but you have to fully accept it if you make that decision.

You have waited 2 years already, I don't see this resolving itself without her getting that help.

We've tried help and ever one of her thearipists have quit before uncovering anything useful. Sometimes she'll come to me and just throw herself on in a sexual manner but then she'll stop and just sit silently. I knew what she thought going into the marriage I just thought it would be a little by now...

We've tried help and ever one of her thearipists have quit before uncovering anything useful. Sometimes she'll come to me and just throw herself on in a sexual manner but then she'll stop and just sit silently. I knew what she thought going into the marriage I just thought it would be a little by now...
The therapists have quit? (I am one and have never heard of that.) Or did your wife quit and tell you it was the therapist who quit? Have you ever gone with her to a session?

She'll talk about everything except sex and kids, maybe she does not want to have kids, seems odd, both subjects are interlinked and she won't talk about either.

Would she talk to a pastor? Has any of her family indictated something happened in her past? Could it be a fear of sex? Is she sexually in other ways? Does she flirt with you, be coy anytime?

You say she sometimes comes into to you but then backs down, how about talking about that and increasing her comfort level.

Talk about a snogging session, just kissing, how does she feel about that?

I'm sorry for all the questions, just trying to put a picture together.

There are loads of different types of counsellors available, the one she choose may not have been equipped to deal with your wife's problem, keep trying.

Her family said she's had some bad relationships. Both of us don't believe in any God. Yes, I've been to sessions, I actual have been to most. And just kissing is fine with her but at times I try to push and just upset her.

You are a better more understanding man than me... I would have walked. I agree with the previous posters... she needs to find another therapist... and it would help if she really WANTED to get better. I could not and would not put up with the current situation (not for as long as you have)... no matter how understanding I might be.

There is hope... assuming she really wants the help. You've shown you have more patience than most.

Her family said she's had some bad relationships. Both of us don't belive in any God. Yes, I've been to sessions, I actual have been to most. And just kissing is fine with her but at times I try to push and just upset her.
So why did the therapists quit?

What happened at the sessions?

Nothing really happened during the sessions. The thearpist would ask question she wouldn't really give a straight answer.

Nothing really happened during the sessions. The thearpist would ask question she wouldn't really give a straight answer.

And that's why I mentioned about her WANTING help.

That seems to indicate to me she doesn't, and is going through the motions to get people off her back. Sounds almost passive-aggressive in nature. Her.. not you.

Nothing really happened during the sessions. The thearpist would ask question she wouldn't really give a straight answer.
I'm guessing your presence there made the difference. Were you at all the sessions?

No but I was at most. I was told when I wasn't there she didn't say anything at all.

No but I was at most. I was told when I wasn't there she didn't say anything at all.
Then she needs to find a more helpful, better trained therapist.

Who told you she didn't say anything at all?

Are you in the U.S.

Yes, I'm in the U.S. and they thearpist before she quit, told me she couldn't make any progress...

Yes, I'm in the U.S. and they thearpist before she quit, told me she couldn't make any progress...
So it was only one therapist who quit, not several.

Did she explain what she was talking about? Do you remember what her credentials were? Social work? Psychologist?

Yeah only one really quit. Most questions were about her childhood, and her family.

Then a new therapist has to be found. This can't be swept under the rug.

I'm trying, but it's not going as good as I hoped...

I'm trying, but it's not going as good as I hoped...
What did you say? What did she say?

Generally I talk about what happened since the last session and then she tells me she doesn't want to be there and no good will come out,that it's a waste of time and money, and that she is prefectly fine...

Generally I talk about what happend since the last session and then she tells me she doesn't want to be there and no good will come out,that its a waste of time and money, and that she is prefectly fine...

And this has been Happily married?? Sorry... but she really needs a few laws laid down... the first being stop doing that. SHe accepts she has a problem and tries to get help or you pack your stuff and file for divorce, your marriage was technically never consummated... and you might get away without paying anything. THAT is the one thing that would really be in your favor. IF you was married in the Church... they would easily give an annulment on those grounds.

Its only been 2 years... its a lot easier to walk away now... (and Cheaper) than if you put up with this crap for 10+ years before you get fed up and walk away then.

I really wish her the best and hope she gets help... but only if she accepts she needs it. No husband (or wife) should be forced to live a life of celibacy unless it's a mutual choice.

I suppose your right, but I don't want to leave her. I don't want to be without her. I do need her, more than she actually needs me... I just don't want to be another person to hurt her.

One has been found! She's finally opening up to me... I guess patientice does pay off. :)

Keep us up to date with what's going on -- more details, please!

I just stumbled across this, and I am so glad to hear that another therapist has been found!

I have also had a traumatic sexual experience as a young girl, but have been able to have healthy sexual relationships with my partners. Granted there were some times when it was hard and confusing for me, that’s why therapy can be such a great tool for issues like this.

With her saying "nothing good can come of this" I am thinking there is a deep rooted issue from her past that she does not want brought up. If she loves you, it's going to be something she has to get over. If not she needs to start fresh with a partner who chooses to be celibate themselves. If you want to make this sacrifice for her, kudos to you, you are a very strong, understanding man, and she is one LUCKY gal.

I wish you both the best of luck, and please do keep us posted.

:) All is going well. While I haven't had real sex with her yet, we're getting there. I have found out that the man who raised her as a child was not her father and he abused her up until the age of 14 when she ran away. The woman she believed to be her mother was her aunt and after a few years she found her real parents... From there I don't know yet...

Baby steps, take baby steps. Sounds like all is truly going well. Please continue to check in and let us know. (And I admire your patience.)

Thank you.

For the first time in a long time she slept in my arms. Her past is a lot more confusing then I ever thought it could be. It makes sense why she wouldn't talk to anyone. Last night we just talked... She told me she's been afraid. She was afraid that I would just walk away and leave her at the moments she needed me the most and she explained how torn she was between locking herself away again and just letting herself out. She said she wants to have sex so bad but can't bring herself to do it all... I finally know all of what I have to do and I'm so glad I didn't leave.

I am taking my wife out on vaction for two weeks ;) so I won't be able to post updates

Have a great time and be gentle with each other! We will miss you and will be glad to hear from you when you return.

For the first time in a long time she slept in my arms. Her past is a lot more confusing then I ever thought it could be. It makes sense why she wouldn't talk to anyone. Last night we just talked... She told me she's been afraid. She was afraid that I would just walk away and leave her at the moments she needed me the most and she explained how torn she was between locking herself away again and just letting herself out. She said she wants to have sex so bad but can't bring herself to do it all... I finally know all of what I have to do and I'm so glad I didn't leave.

I am glad you are patient and willing to work things out.

...

You don't need to be a martyr. You get to say out loud what you want and what you need.

And I think you are doing a great job of both.

...

Am so glad to hear the progress. Hope you both have a great holiday.