Hi all,
I am 32 and my boyfriend of 3 years is 37. He was in a relationship for 12 years, they brok up because he cheated once and confessed to her, but she lelf him (I only know this because he told me while he was very upset of what happened to his previous relationship and he still regrets)
Anyway, its been 3 years now that we are together but live separately.
We both live abroad from different nationalities. We have lots in common, lots of common interests and I love him a lot (he know that).
I think the problems starts where his parents divorced when he was a kid. So he thinks whoever get married 50% there is possibility of divorce, so he is scared of getting married (thats what I guess). That's why he even never proposed to his ex, even after 11 years (I am not sure if she wanted to have babies or not)
My problem is, I don't know how to continue this relationship like this. We are happy and fine like this, but I don't want to continue being single for years and years... and he tells me he might want to get married, might not! He might wants to have babies, might not! We even don't live together, because he is scared to commit...
Once, I asked to split for 2-3 weeks, we came back together again (I started it :( ), and he confessed that he realised that he was mistaken.. but still he doesn't know what he wants! Yesterday I was crying very quietly while we were in a bar... just because I feel lost, alone, he started to carres me and said there is nothing to worry about! I drank a lot last night and I fall asleep on the sofa, he hugged & carried me to bed with love ( I could feel that)

We know eachothers family and friends, even our colleagues know about us. So there is nothing to hide (except his ex, doesn't know we ae together)

Financially, he has bought a house with his ex, and in the crisis he can't sell it (maybe he doesn't want to! )... he even started his own office, so he is not that stable financially... I have to think about all these things...

The country where I am living, is not where I want to stay forever, specially if I am single.
I am here only because of him at the moment. I am waiting to see what he will decide. It is not fair on me I know. He is a carring person also, and he tells me he knows all... but still he can't decie. I guess he has a bit of emotional problem, maybe depression (even I have, but mine in controlled), but he doesn't believe in therapist.

Some of my friends tell me go your own way and leave him, he will decide to be with you if he sees you are leaving... but is it the wise decision?

I really love him and we enjoy our time being together.. but this is not the only thing I am looking for...


Looking forward to your advise,
S.

Its not up to your friends, family or anybody else here to decide what is best for you.

You have to make your own mind up. 3 years invested to get to know someone. No secrets everybody knows about you.

Now here is what is troubling. His Ex does not know about you, Why are you a secret to his Ex? Is he holding on to both of you? Another thing is he is financially linked to a house with the Ex.

It seems to me that he could be playing both ends, holding on to both and wanting not to let go of either relationship. Is she really an Ex?

12 years is a long time to be in one relationship. You need to figure out what the truth is about the EX. Why he is holding onto everything and decide what is your best decision for you.

That's is exactly what I can not understand.
Once he told me he feels like to go back to his previous relationship, and that's why we split! I told him he is cheating on me in his mind and heart if not physically! We both become upset... but after 2-3 weeks we started again, without mentioning anything about past (weird!)
But in reality he can't go back, because his ex doesn't want him back (as I know). He is messed up, confused and is destroying me day by day... I try to keep things inside me and don't think about it, but sometimes I can't hide my feelings... :(

I think you know what you need to do, but can you is the question?

What should I do? Sit and talk to him? The last word?

Like I said earlier none of us can or should tell you what to do.

In your heart, I think you know what to do. I know it might seem easier to come to us and have somebody tell you what to do, but it does not work that way.

There are many red flags, I already said how it does not make sense that he is still financially linked to an ex, and still does not make sense that the ex does not know about you. After 3 years.

Now, with all that said. What do you think you should do?

It might sound stupid, but I don't know! :((

When two people can't figure out their future together after 3 years, they should be apart. Discuss it, or leave, and maybe, maybe not is not a discussion, it's a dodge.

There, I said it.

I wish I had listened to you all! I didn't dare to decide at that time... after exactly one more year I just broke up yesterday, because I couldn't stand the same situation for so long!. that's embarrassing.. he still can not decide what he wants, he can't move out because he doesn't like to do so... how rude!
I told him, whoever else it was, as soon as they noticed that you are living like that, they would leave you (I said they would tell you to f* off - I was so angry!) he said, maybe you should have done that!! What a nice end... and he expects me not be angry, he doesn't want to make me upset... what the hell... my last world was shame on you... how can I not be upset about what you lied for so long... if you didn't love me you shouldn't stay as a boyfriend for 4 years... and he says he didn't lie... I'm angry more than being upset...

At this time your anger is a good thing as long as it guides you to the conclusion to waste no more time with this fellow. Remember your anger, when it gives way to missing him, and wanting what you had back.

Well, sometimes I am sad, sometimes angry, sometimes I feel blank... I hope these feelings go away soon.

By the way, at work I may need to email him, should I be as usual? Or I ask a colleague to do that for me?

At work its always business like, and professional.

A few more questions:

How should I give his his stuff? When I was talking to him last, I told him come and get your stuff (again!), but since then he didn't contact nor came to collect his stuff.
I put all his stuff in a box ready to be collected.

Should I send them to his residential address?or I wait until he come and pick it up?
Do you think is there a chance that he make up his mind and come back properly? He cared for me a lot, except that one specific point!
He was hiding our relationship from his ex. Should I tell her?

Thanks,

Is it a problem to deliver it at work? Or inform him his stuff will be donated to charity on a specific date? Or trashed? I see informing his ex of your existence as revenge,through mischief making.

If his stuff isn't important to him,why is it to you?

I know it is important to him, but I think he thinks that I call him and want him back, maybe he thinks he will be back.. he even has my house keys...

Well who cares if I create a mischief! That's what he deserve!. I f he doesn't resolve this problem, I would probably would do so. He shouldn't have hidden anything...

We don't work in the same place, we work on the same projects from two different offices.. so I don't see him, I may need to email him sometimes.

mm.. I am also confused..

I know you feel betrayed and mistreated but revenge is not the way to go. You'll only regret it and feel even more low about your situation. You're in your thirties and need to think with your head. The best revenge is living a healthy, happy life. It will take time but you'll feel so good about yourself if you walk away silently. Do whatever you need to do to deal with the anger except hurt him, yourself or anyone else. Try to take some lessons out of this so you don't find history repeating itself. I dated someone for six years that claimed he did want to marry again and buy a house (two things I stated after a couple years of being together that were important to me). When it came down to it he couldn't and wouldn't deliver. We broke up and I moved on really quickly. You will too if you remind yourself that he could never offer what you wanted. This will be easier than letting go of someone that could provide those things but for whatever reason ended the relationship. No regrets :-)

Maybe do nothing until the confusion has left you, and you can think of a plan to deal with this situation that allows you to keep your dignity, and self respect. I don't think revenge will do that for you, except label you as a scorned ex who couldn't let go and move on.

Thanks for the advice, it is a valuable help! :)