I'm the middle child in my family, with an older brother and younger sister. My sister is 17, I'm 18 and my brother is 23, my mum had cancer before I was born and lost a child she was pregnant with in the process and was told she would never be able to get pregnant again, but then she had me, a miracle child haha, but then with two kids she didn't want anymore so went to get sterilized, but couldn't as she was pregnant with my sister, so then she had my sister and after that got sterilized, but my dad was violent a lot and we basically ran away whilst he was at work, we moved around aloooooot but he kept finding us.
One time when I was six I was having an argument over something with my mum and I said something like I wish I was with dad he'd let me, or something, so she said fine and rang him, ever since then we had to see him twice a year, which we hated, he has a very short temper and would shout a lot and one time he locked my brother outside for misbehaving, it got bad one time and my dad hit my brother, so since then my dad wasn't allowed to see my brother anymore, but me and my sister still had too :/ he would get angry a lot and it was really scary at times, I could remember bits from my childhood, especially the arguments and I remembered my dad hitting my mum, a lot, which scared me about going to my dads, but she promised me that he had never so much as touched her and she shouted at me a lot about asking, so I stopped, but I really still hated going, as when I just wore a nightie or anything to revealing, he would look at me really weirdly, in a none fatherly way and it scared me a lot.
On one time away with him on a holiday I had realised that a pen he had bought me a couple days ago, I had left it in a hotel we had stayed at, he was shouting at me a lot and I was really scared and it kicked up my asthma, he raised a fist to hit me, but I started having an asthma attack and dodged my sister screamed at him to go away and helped me take my inhaler, it scared me for next time and I had a break down in front of my mum in the car that I didn't want to go on holiday again with him, she wanted me to go, because when I didn't want to go he would blame her and they would argue over the phone, after a while it turned out my mum had slipped up to my sister and told her that my dad had hit my mum, a lot, but lied so I would go see him, ever since I stopped seeing my dad anyway and it was all right, but I would argue with my mum a lot, we moved around to different houses and finally settled somewhere, me and my sister found junk in the back garden so decided to throw it over the fence to help haha we were like 8 and 9 and the next door neighbour noticed and brought the stuff round my mum hit me for that but let my sister go unpunished, like when we where arguing, my sister swore at me so I swore back and my mum opened our bedroom door and shouted at me and said nothing to my sister, it was like she was waiting outside for a chance to shout at me, but ignore my sister, even when my sister hid a hammer in our room, we got into an argument and she took it out and hit me on the head with it, I screamed and cried, it was a real metal hammer and hurt a lot, but my mum only told my sister that it was very bad but ended up hugging her when she was crying, it happened a lot us arguing, but my mum would always seem to side with my sister, everyone in my family is quite big, at least technically obese, whereas I am on my perfect bmi, but my sister would call me annorexic, even though I always ate normally and she would diet, so I would come back with well your obese and I would get shouted at a heck of a lot for it, but I really got self conscious about my weight when I got called anorexic because I knew I wasn't skinny and it made me feel fatter, especially when I would say but she called me annorexic to my mum and she would reply, well can you blame her? And my sister made me angry a lot and we would throw stuff during arguments and my sister started calling me bi polar, I complained to my mum, which didn't help, she just tried to persuade me into going for tests to see if I was bipolar :/ which hurt a lot.
All throughout my life my sister had said how my mum loves her more and it hurt but I didn't believe it and complained to my mum, she said that she loves us all the same, but never told my sister to stop so slowly I started believing it, I said I wanted to move as soon as I can when I was little, saying how I would get a big place all for me, as you do when your young, but as I got to 14 my mum started pressuring me saying soon you'll be in college and after that you can move out, it wasn't a question :/ as I got to about 16 my sister would constantly tell me how much my mum hated me and how much I hurt her, even though it was normally my mums fault, she started to try and pick fights with me it seemed like, like I'm bad in relationships, good at getting in them, bad at staying in them, she would say things like I wonder how long that'll last or, make sure you don't get pregnant, even when I wasn't with anyone and would just brush that off with well you never know with you, even though I hadn't slept with anyone at that time, I tried my best to make her happy and be good, but it was never good enough, I cried a lot, sometimes right in front of her and she'd just tell my sister to leave me to it, slowly it came to the point where I was arranging to move out over a week as I was in the middle of a show, where I was the main character, but about 5 days before I was supposed to move, the day of my first show I had an argument with my sister, she had hid my shorts, apart of my costume and I ended up chucking some water at her and my mum kicked me out, even though I was in a strappy top and pajama shorts I had time to grab the stuff that I had for the show and my phone, she came out 2 minutes later and threw my shorts at me and told me not to come back because I don't belong there, so here I am, one year later and wondering why she hates me :/
She once said in an argument she wished I would die, but denies it still, as I nearly died when I was little from meningitis, I just don't understand, why am I treated differently, I want her to say she loves me, just once, without me having to say it first, I want at least one parent I can talk to, but I doubt that'll happen, why does she treat me differently, I'm supposed to the baby that she should never have been able to have, but she seems to detest me, my first word was mummy and my brothers and sisters where both daddy :/ shouldn't that be special, sos if it's long :/ I kind of rambled, but that's a bit of background info, it's personal so sorry, this I think is just to have a moan and just contemplate but yeah thanks and if you have any advise please reply :) thanks and sorry.

If you ever get a chance to do so, read the book The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls.

"it was never good enough" was the one sentence that sticks out in your long rambling. Tell me more about that. Do you feel you have never been "good enough"?

I don't know it's like no matter what I do, my sister is better, I don't get it, like my mum has never called me pretty, but would constantly tell my sister how pretty she was and they talked about stuff, my mum would constantly tell my sister that she loved her but the only time she's ever said it to me was when I was in hospital or when I would say it first, but even then she would act as if she had to say it and that it was a burden, like something she didn't want to say and she gets given child support to look after us, but because I don't live with her she gives me it to be able to live, so she only has to give me it once a week, but she'll send my sister instead sometimes, so she doesn't have to speak with me, she also lied about it stopping and has told me it's been cut down to 40 a week as my dad has disappeared coinsedentally 3 days before she went on her 2 week bonding holiday with my sister, I wasn't invited, but found out because my sister asked for money for it off me :/

That's hurts a lot, doesn't it.

Are you at uni? Where do you live in relation to your mom?

What are some of the things about you that your mom could appreciate?

Yeah a heck of a lot, it sucks because I feel like I don't belong there, I was over at christmas, but it felt like I was intruding on my sisters family, not my own, it felt wrong and soon, in September I'll be in uni, she kicked me out when I was 17, so I'm only 18 now, I just don't get it, I haven't done anything that bad, my sister is a spoilt brat that's out of control and my brother practically lives in his room, he still lives there, I got kicked out at the age of 17 and he's still there at 23 and my mum lives a couple miles away like I'm a 45 min bus ride away

What are some of the things about you that your mom could appreciate?

Right now and for the past year I've been living with an ex if that's what you mean, I don't really have any family to go to

Appreciate?

appreciate?
Yeah, tell me your good qualities. Pretend I'm your mom and remind me what they are.

I'm nice, in arguments I listen to both sides and don't just listen to one and try to help the two people be friends again, I'm a good actress and singer (sorta haha) erm I'm good at maths and science, I can cook really well, I'm going to uni (my brother dropped out and my sister isn't going) I can swim really well erm that's about it haha :/

i'm nice, in arguements i listen to both sides and don't just listen to one and try to help the two people be friends again, i'm a good actress and singer (sorta haha) erm i'm good at maths and science, i can cook really well, i'm going to uni (my brother dropped out and my sister isn't going) i can swim really well erm that's about it haha :/
I think I want to adopt you. :) You sound like a dream come true as a daughter. I'm so sorry your mom doesn't value you for all this. And love you just because you are you.

At uni, you are going to make friends with both guys and girls, and some of those friendships will last for the rest of your life. Are you looking forward to uni?

Thanks, I seem to suck for some reason and haha yeah I can't wait, I hate living with my ex, I love him, he's the closest thing I've got that feels like family, but we argue a lot :/ he gets jealous a lot, to the point where I wasn't allowed guy mates round, but he's gotten better recently, my mum doesn't real know yet I told her that I'd been excepted into every uni I'd applied and she was just like well done, but in a way like I'd just told her I found a fiver haha it sucks, she's the same with my acting I've had two main parts in performances ever, I used to get really small parts, and in both she was too busy to watch, both had 3 performances :/ but the second one she didn't even ask for the show dates, both where in the past year, one for college and one outside of college, I was sally in cabaret and annie in annie haha it just hurt because one of the other girls had to buy 15 tickets, even though she had a tiny part :/

That sounds fantastic, to have achieved all that at such a young age! You must really love to sing and dance and perform!

You do realize it's not you that's the problem, don't you?

haha it's not that great, a lot of my mates have had loads of main parts haha but thanks ^_^ and I do :) it's epic haha I can be anyone I want to and I don't know, she loves my brother and sister, there's no explanation as to why she would just dislike me, unless I was like bad or something and like my ex has threatened to kick me out in arguments, he always says it was just like cos he was angry at the time, but I don't know, I suck at living with people and I don't know it's like I have no family, it's kind of got to be my fault, why would she hate me and love them if it wasn't

Nope, it's not you -- it's them. Somehow they are hurt deep in their souls, in their spirits, and they take it out on you because you are the safe person who will love them no matter what.

That willingness you have to love is your best feature, your crown jewel. And people you love take advantage of that.

I have to eat dinner, but will be back in a while. Think about what I said.

but I really don't love them, I hate my dad, I really hate him, I kind of hate my mum, but I don't know, I just want her to love me, like actually love me, not just put it on when others are around like doctors, I don't know, I just want a family or something, but I don't want to be hurt, I don't know what to do.
and okay ^_^

i just want her to love me, like actually love me, not just put it on when others are around like doctors, i dunno, i just want a family or something, but i don't want to be hurt, i don't know what to do.
You want to be seen as a valuable person, someone worth loving. And sometimes our family turns out to be people we aren't related to. I'm thinking uni will help you create your own family made up of friends who will treasure you. And someday you will marry and have children, but of course you will not be like your mom and sis, right? You're going to break the cycle.

Haha I hope so, both my nan and mum have divorced and I've g2g to bed it's like 1am here haha sorry night I'll reply properly tomorrow.

haha i hope so, both my nan and mum have divorced and i've g2g to bed it's like 1am here haha sorry night i'll reply properly tomorrow.
Sleep well. I'll watch for you tomorrow!

You know that's a lot - just being able to listen to both sides of an argument is a BIG advantage.

And I stink at math and science so you are two things "up" on me.

Contemplating92,
I like the way you bared your feelings like you did. Sometimes when I am upset, it helps me feel better just to write it all out (a kind of release of sorts, I guess). I have even sometimes found my own answer to certain situations, just by writing out any and all rambling thoughts and feelings about things.

Anyway, I feel for you. It must really hurt. I don't have the answers, I'm sorry to say, but just wanted to let you know, I am sorry you were treated that way. You did not deserve it. No kid deserves to be mistreated physically, emotionally or verbally.

You seem to be a very compassionate, caring, intelligent and talented human being, in spite of it all. Stay strong and believe in yourself. You are worthy of good things. My advice is to listen to Wondergirl.

I really do, my friends love me, but I don't know, I just want yano like a mum that I can talk to about bf's and that and like a dad that spoils me and will be a dad, or just the mum part haha, I don't know it's like my sister always talks to my mum so easily, I just wish I had that bond haha and I doubt I'll ever get married, I suck in relationships, I have really bad trust issues with guys haha it sucks, I would want to though but I doubt it haha and judy kaytee thanks haha ^_^ and karenknows, I like writing too haha, it scared me and I've wanted to do this for a while, but I always kind of backed out last second, I'm scared that someone'll just find it weird or take the piss or be like, she loves you, she's your mum, but I know she doesn't, she hasn't done for a very long time, I just don't understand why :/ why am I the exception when it comes to her kids, haha I called her a while back, she was like well I've got to do the tea for the kids so I'll be round on Thursday to drop off your money, it just hurts like **** when she does that, like says the kids, like I'm not apart of that anymore and she came round with my birthday cards and out of my two nans, one died about 3 years ago and I was the only person that was really upset, because she was never close with my mum, because she was my dad's mum, she was rich so my dad only cared about her money and so did my auntie, it was so retarded I hate money, anyway my nan seemed to like me better than my sister and would always read with me, because I love it, she treated me like she loved me and when she died my dad phoned my mum to tell her and I was going downstairs for a drink and my mum covered the speaking bit on the phone to whisper to me, I thought she was going to say "it's your dad" she always did that because she knew I hated talking to him so then I'd be really quiet and she'd pretend I was out, but instead she said "your nan's dead" I just said oh, turned round, went to my bedroom and just kind of cried, she was the second person to die in my family and I loved her, but on my birthday my mum gave me the cards and said, your uncles are there, so's your auntie's and your grandads, so I was like isn't nans there? (my mums mum not my dads, I dislike my mums mum, she's like my mum) and she smirked and said, no :s your nans dead, I just kind of stopped bit my lip and said no, I mean your mum, she said oh yeah of course it's their, then left, I just hate how she does these things, I just don't get any of it :/ and it hurts like ****.

Hugs to contemplating92 -- (((((contemplating92)))))

My nan (dad's mom) gave me the total love that only nans can give. She used to read comic books to me, even though I could read already, and would take me shopping and would treat me like a princess. My other nan was raped by a workman when she was in hospital for something in her 30s (no one talked about it back then). After the rape (there was no counseling then), she never spoke to anyone ever again, so I missed even hearing her voice. She was always "just there," keeping up her house and cooking but no affection or speech. I never knew her story until long after she died, then I finally understood why she never hugged me.

Nans are so important in their grandchildren's lives.

Have you ever written fiction stories or kept a journal?

Sorry to hear that :( and I used to, but I never really showed them to anyone, I stopped writing ages ago, my sister used to write a lot and wanted to be an author, haha if my sister wanted to do something it was like she was amazing and I sucked, I got the highest grades out of my whole high school class in catering and it was like it didn't matter because my sister wanted to be a chef as well :/ so yeah, she liked acting, but she's really bad at reading, so it was my thing and I always loved reading, out of all of us, I'm the most similar to my mum, we both read a lot and are smart haha and I wouldn't write down anything in case someone found it haha like someone that knew me, but I don't know I'm more of a drawer and painter I love art, but I had to choose between art and performing arts in college and so I chose performing arts, but I've never really talked to anyone about my life haha mysterious little me.

i've never really talked to anyone about my life haha mysterious little me.
Well, you've come to the right place! We love to hear about young people and all about their talents and hopes and dreams.

My young son is an artist and prefers to do India ink line drawings, very detailed stuff. He hates doing watercolors or temperas. What do you like to draw or paint?

cool :O I like to draw like beautiful stuff, like nature and I don't know haha I like to find beauty I things ^_^ haha it sounds weird but I do haha

cool :O i like to draw like beautiful stuff, like nature and i dunno haha i like to find beauty i things ^_^ haha it sounds weird but i do haha
Nature, like trees and clouds and landscapes and scenic stuff? No, it doesn't sound weird at all. Have you even hear of the famous painter named Constable? John Constable - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Constable)

Do you ever draw animals?

yeah ^_^ and he's cool, my favourite artist is rene magritte, he's amazing and his paintings are so weird but make me think a lot haha and yeah, I love animals haha

His paintings are NOT weird!! (well, maybe a little bit) Dali's are and Paul Klee's and some of Picasso's too, but that's what makes them interesting and creative.

XD they're so amazing they're really thought provoking haha and yeah true haha

Aren't you supposed to be in bed getting your beauty sleep??

Haha it's 5pm over here :P

What will you do this evening? Watch television or read or draw or write something? What's for supper?

Read haha I love it, I'm reading manga now, it's like a japanese comic book, so you read it backwards but it's in english, I love them and not too sure :/ probably pizza and chips, we've got to be careful because I'm low on money so haven't got that much food :/

Ah, manga. I was a librarian for years and used to catalog manga. People couldn't figure out how to read it at first. Now they are very, very popular. The Love, Hina series is checked out all the time.

I love manga, I like the romance ones haha but I like the phsychological ones as well and horror haha

Can you draw in that manga style?

What will you put on the pizza? What will you drink? Are the chips greasy?

Haha sort of I can do manga eyes really good, I just can't do two on a face haha, I can never get them the same :/ haha

Manga characters' hair is always interesting. That should be easy.

Haha I think it's just pepperoni pizza haha and orange juice and nopes I like oven chips so not that greasy

and yeah I love drawing hair ^_^

What time is dinner? I might drop in for some pizza.

Haha erm I don't know probably like a lot later haha

May I bring my five cats?

Yeah but my cat will probably be mean to them :/ she's called angel but she's really mean haha I'm going to get a bath bye

Bye -- see you later :) xx

haha back ^_^ x