contemplating92
Jul 20, 2011, 02:03 PM
I'm the middle child in my family, with an older brother and younger sister. My sister is 17, I'm 18 and my brother is 23, my mum had cancer before I was born and lost a child she was pregnant with in the process and was told she would never be able to get pregnant again, but then she had me, a miracle child haha, but then with two kids she didn't want anymore so went to get sterilized, but couldn't as she was pregnant with my sister, so then she had my sister and after that got sterilized, but my dad was violent a lot and we basically ran away whilst he was at work, we moved around aloooooot but he kept finding us.
One time when I was six I was having an argument over something with my mum and I said something like I wish I was with dad he'd let me, or something, so she said fine and rang him, ever since then we had to see him twice a year, which we hated, he has a very short temper and would shout a lot and one time he locked my brother outside for misbehaving, it got bad one time and my dad hit my brother, so since then my dad wasn't allowed to see my brother anymore, but me and my sister still had too :/ he would get angry a lot and it was really scary at times, I could remember bits from my childhood, especially the arguments and I remembered my dad hitting my mum, a lot, which scared me about going to my dads, but she promised me that he had never so much as touched her and she shouted at me a lot about asking, so I stopped, but I really still hated going, as when I just wore a nightie or anything to revealing, he would look at me really weirdly, in a none fatherly way and it scared me a lot.
On one time away with him on a holiday I had realised that a pen he had bought me a couple days ago, I had left it in a hotel we had stayed at, he was shouting at me a lot and I was really scared and it kicked up my asthma, he raised a fist to hit me, but I started having an asthma attack and dodged my sister screamed at him to go away and helped me take my inhaler, it scared me for next time and I had a break down in front of my mum in the car that I didn't want to go on holiday again with him, she wanted me to go, because when I didn't want to go he would blame her and they would argue over the phone, after a while it turned out my mum had slipped up to my sister and told her that my dad had hit my mum, a lot, but lied so I would go see him, ever since I stopped seeing my dad anyway and it was all right, but I would argue with my mum a lot, we moved around to different houses and finally settled somewhere, me and my sister found junk in the back garden so decided to throw it over the fence to help haha we were like 8 and 9 and the next door neighbour noticed and brought the stuff round my mum hit me for that but let my sister go unpunished, like when we where arguing, my sister swore at me so I swore back and my mum opened our bedroom door and shouted at me and said nothing to my sister, it was like she was waiting outside for a chance to shout at me, but ignore my sister, even when my sister hid a hammer in our room, we got into an argument and she took it out and hit me on the head with it, I screamed and cried, it was a real metal hammer and hurt a lot, but my mum only told my sister that it was very bad but ended up hugging her when she was crying, it happened a lot us arguing, but my mum would always seem to side with my sister, everyone in my family is quite big, at least technically obese, whereas I am on my perfect bmi, but my sister would call me annorexic, even though I always ate normally and she would diet, so I would come back with well your obese and I would get shouted at a heck of a lot for it, but I really got self conscious about my weight when I got called anorexic because I knew I wasn't skinny and it made me feel fatter, especially when I would say but she called me annorexic to my mum and she would reply, well can you blame her? And my sister made me angry a lot and we would throw stuff during arguments and my sister started calling me bi polar, I complained to my mum, which didn't help, she just tried to persuade me into going for tests to see if I was bipolar :/ which hurt a lot.
All throughout my life my sister had said how my mum loves her more and it hurt but I didn't believe it and complained to my mum, she said that she loves us all the same, but never told my sister to stop so slowly I started believing it, I said I wanted to move as soon as I can when I was little, saying how I would get a big place all for me, as you do when your young, but as I got to 14 my mum started pressuring me saying soon you'll be in college and after that you can move out, it wasn't a question :/ as I got to about 16 my sister would constantly tell me how much my mum hated me and how much I hurt her, even though it was normally my mums fault, she started to try and pick fights with me it seemed like, like I'm bad in relationships, good at getting in them, bad at staying in them, she would say things like I wonder how long that'll last or, make sure you don't get pregnant, even when I wasn't with anyone and would just brush that off with well you never know with you, even though I hadn't slept with anyone at that time, I tried my best to make her happy and be good, but it was never good enough, I cried a lot, sometimes right in front of her and she'd just tell my sister to leave me to it, slowly it came to the point where I was arranging to move out over a week as I was in the middle of a show, where I was the main character, but about 5 days before I was supposed to move, the day of my first show I had an argument with my sister, she had hid my shorts, apart of my costume and I ended up chucking some water at her and my mum kicked me out, even though I was in a strappy top and pajama shorts I had time to grab the stuff that I had for the show and my phone, she came out 2 minutes later and threw my shorts at me and told me not to come back because I don't belong there, so here I am, one year later and wondering why she hates me :/
She once said in an argument she wished I would die, but denies it still, as I nearly died when I was little from meningitis, I just don't understand, why am I treated differently, I want her to say she loves me, just once, without me having to say it first, I want at least one parent I can talk to, but I doubt that'll happen, why does she treat me differently, I'm supposed to the baby that she should never have been able to have, but she seems to detest me, my first word was mummy and my brothers and sisters where both daddy :/ shouldn't that be special, sos if it's long :/ I kind of rambled, but that's a bit of background info, it's personal so sorry, this I think is just to have a moan and just contemplate but yeah thanks and if you have any advise please reply :) thanks and sorry.
One time when I was six I was having an argument over something with my mum and I said something like I wish I was with dad he'd let me, or something, so she said fine and rang him, ever since then we had to see him twice a year, which we hated, he has a very short temper and would shout a lot and one time he locked my brother outside for misbehaving, it got bad one time and my dad hit my brother, so since then my dad wasn't allowed to see my brother anymore, but me and my sister still had too :/ he would get angry a lot and it was really scary at times, I could remember bits from my childhood, especially the arguments and I remembered my dad hitting my mum, a lot, which scared me about going to my dads, but she promised me that he had never so much as touched her and she shouted at me a lot about asking, so I stopped, but I really still hated going, as when I just wore a nightie or anything to revealing, he would look at me really weirdly, in a none fatherly way and it scared me a lot.
On one time away with him on a holiday I had realised that a pen he had bought me a couple days ago, I had left it in a hotel we had stayed at, he was shouting at me a lot and I was really scared and it kicked up my asthma, he raised a fist to hit me, but I started having an asthma attack and dodged my sister screamed at him to go away and helped me take my inhaler, it scared me for next time and I had a break down in front of my mum in the car that I didn't want to go on holiday again with him, she wanted me to go, because when I didn't want to go he would blame her and they would argue over the phone, after a while it turned out my mum had slipped up to my sister and told her that my dad had hit my mum, a lot, but lied so I would go see him, ever since I stopped seeing my dad anyway and it was all right, but I would argue with my mum a lot, we moved around to different houses and finally settled somewhere, me and my sister found junk in the back garden so decided to throw it over the fence to help haha we were like 8 and 9 and the next door neighbour noticed and brought the stuff round my mum hit me for that but let my sister go unpunished, like when we where arguing, my sister swore at me so I swore back and my mum opened our bedroom door and shouted at me and said nothing to my sister, it was like she was waiting outside for a chance to shout at me, but ignore my sister, even when my sister hid a hammer in our room, we got into an argument and she took it out and hit me on the head with it, I screamed and cried, it was a real metal hammer and hurt a lot, but my mum only told my sister that it was very bad but ended up hugging her when she was crying, it happened a lot us arguing, but my mum would always seem to side with my sister, everyone in my family is quite big, at least technically obese, whereas I am on my perfect bmi, but my sister would call me annorexic, even though I always ate normally and she would diet, so I would come back with well your obese and I would get shouted at a heck of a lot for it, but I really got self conscious about my weight when I got called anorexic because I knew I wasn't skinny and it made me feel fatter, especially when I would say but she called me annorexic to my mum and she would reply, well can you blame her? And my sister made me angry a lot and we would throw stuff during arguments and my sister started calling me bi polar, I complained to my mum, which didn't help, she just tried to persuade me into going for tests to see if I was bipolar :/ which hurt a lot.
All throughout my life my sister had said how my mum loves her more and it hurt but I didn't believe it and complained to my mum, she said that she loves us all the same, but never told my sister to stop so slowly I started believing it, I said I wanted to move as soon as I can when I was little, saying how I would get a big place all for me, as you do when your young, but as I got to 14 my mum started pressuring me saying soon you'll be in college and after that you can move out, it wasn't a question :/ as I got to about 16 my sister would constantly tell me how much my mum hated me and how much I hurt her, even though it was normally my mums fault, she started to try and pick fights with me it seemed like, like I'm bad in relationships, good at getting in them, bad at staying in them, she would say things like I wonder how long that'll last or, make sure you don't get pregnant, even when I wasn't with anyone and would just brush that off with well you never know with you, even though I hadn't slept with anyone at that time, I tried my best to make her happy and be good, but it was never good enough, I cried a lot, sometimes right in front of her and she'd just tell my sister to leave me to it, slowly it came to the point where I was arranging to move out over a week as I was in the middle of a show, where I was the main character, but about 5 days before I was supposed to move, the day of my first show I had an argument with my sister, she had hid my shorts, apart of my costume and I ended up chucking some water at her and my mum kicked me out, even though I was in a strappy top and pajama shorts I had time to grab the stuff that I had for the show and my phone, she came out 2 minutes later and threw my shorts at me and told me not to come back because I don't belong there, so here I am, one year later and wondering why she hates me :/
She once said in an argument she wished I would die, but denies it still, as I nearly died when I was little from meningitis, I just don't understand, why am I treated differently, I want her to say she loves me, just once, without me having to say it first, I want at least one parent I can talk to, but I doubt that'll happen, why does she treat me differently, I'm supposed to the baby that she should never have been able to have, but she seems to detest me, my first word was mummy and my brothers and sisters where both daddy :/ shouldn't that be special, sos if it's long :/ I kind of rambled, but that's a bit of background info, it's personal so sorry, this I think is just to have a moan and just contemplate but yeah thanks and if you have any advise please reply :) thanks and sorry.