Okay so some background: I was 22 when I finally got the nerve up to get my drivers license. I had some major anxiety issues about driving but necessity gave me a little shove. I had just graduated college, needed to get a job, and lived in an area where I needed a car.

Fast forward to the current day: I am 29 (almost 30) and have been driving for awhile now. I have no more anxiety when driving (except when I go to really unfamiliar places - GPS has helped with that A LOT).

The problem: I am married and my husband and I started talking about getting me a new car. We discussed what I absolutely wanted in my vehicle, and I stated I wanted an automatic transmission only. This is because again, I have anxiety about driving a standard vehicle. He immediately got upset with me when he saw that the car I wanted would be $1600 more for an automatic.

When I explained my anxiety, he told me his opinion of me changed and that he was disappointed in me. He doesn't understand why I wouldn't want to save the money (for the transmission and the additional gas we would save by driving a 5-speed) and get over my anxiety. He said that driving a standard is such a little thing and that I should be able to do it (since everyone else can). When he got a new car a year ago (a standard) I was able to drive it in a parking lot, so he doesn't get why I can't drive one on the road.

I feel he is being totally inconsiderate of my feelings (he did admit he didn't care how I felt). My argument is that he obviously doesn't understand my fear and that the 1600 is well worth not having to deal with the stress driving a standard would cause me. It is certainly something I can live my life perfectly well without needing. On the other hand, he feels I just need to get over it and save the money. His words "If someone paid you 1600 to learn to drive standard wouldn't you do it?!"

What do you think??

I think I can see where you're both coming from. I see your point, because I don't always like coming out of my comfort zones. But I see his point too, $1600 is a lot of money. Although he could be a little more considerate about how you feel about it.

What I don't understand is why you are so set against overcoming this anxiety. Do you really have $1600 just sitting around that you can afford to blow? Are there maybe some other issues that need to be addressed in order for you to overcome your anxiety?

You could probably spend half that and go through therapy to help you overcome your anxiety. Personally, I would rather have the money and get over the anxiety. And you've obviously already overcome a lot since you do drive now.

"what i don't understand is why you are so set against overcoming this anxiety. do you really have $1600 just sitting around that you can afford to blow? are there maybe some other issues that need to be addressed in order for you to overcome your anxiety?"

Simply because it's not something that I have to face. Not having the ability to drive a standard isn't affecting my life in any way (except this disagreement). If it costs a little more money for me to feel comfortable, its worth it to me.

There are plenty of things my husband does that I don't like or that he doesn't care to do. When I discuss those things with him, his response is that if I don't like it, it's too bad. So, I get over it and live with it. But when the tables are turned and I don't want to do something, he is "disappointed in me" and won't let it go.

First, deal with the car place, 1600, pure bull to be honest, I can't believe they even make shift cars any more, I don't even know when I saw one.

Let him be disappointed, and get what makes you feel comfortable. You are the one paying for aren't you? Even if you are not, so what, you still should get what YOU want.

Let him get over it, or suck eggs. Whatever he is comfortable with.

I'm sorry, I tend to agree with the husband. My father did not let me get my drivers' license until I could change a tire on the side of the road AND drive a stick shift.

You never know when something will happen where you have no choice but to drive one.

I'm currently shopping for a car for my daughter and she's going to have to learn to drive one before she buys. Those are the rules my husband and I set up.

I appreciate your advice J_9, but he is my husband, not my parent. As an adult, I feel I have the right to make my own decisions.

Besides, backing me into a corner and making me feel bad about the whole situation isn't exactly the best way to encourage me to get over my discomfort. Knowing that I have a genuine issue with it, he could have been more understanding. A little softness and encouragement might have helped his cause.

I think there is more going on than the price of a car. I see this as being a major red flag in how you communicate with each other. There seems to be a lot 'my way' and very little discussion and compromise (or empathy). This seems to be a very old problem: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marriage/normal-479079.html.

Since you are still married to him, how have you worked through past issues?

On the subject of the car, why hasn't there been any discussion of compromise? A different vehicle? Haggling with the dealer? How about a car off the lot? Instead of a new one, perhaps a used one that might suit your needs better? Him offering/you asking for more time behind the wheel of his car so that you are more comfortable with it (even if you get an automatic, you need to be able to drive his car if the need arises)?