Hi everyone,
I am wondering if I lost his trust and was I wrong in this situation? And if I did loose his trust how do I gain it back? Here is the situation...

A couple of weeks ago. I did something that I'm not so sure if I was wrong or if it was okay to do so. I hung out with his guy friends at their place. They live 3 blocks away from where my boy friend and I live. I have met them before and hung out with them when my boy friend was not working.

So I went for a walk and I passed his friends house and one of his friends called me so I stopped by to say hi and I didn't expect to stay there long. Before I knew it, it was late at night and there was another girl there too so I wasn't the only girl there and I didn't think to tell him where I was because first I didn't think I'd be there that long, second I thought it would be okay if I didn't call him and let him know since it's his friends and all of them know that he and I are together.

Anyway, later on that night he called me and one of his friends answers the phone and we all thought including the guys that it would be funny if one of his guy friends answer the phone. Everybody and I were dead wrong, because he ended up getting mad at me and we got into an argument when he stopped by at his friends place from work.

Two girls and maybe 5 or so guys there at his friends house and we were just chilling and drinking and I didn't think that what I was doing was wrong. I wasn't sitting on anyone's lap or making out with anyone or had sex with anyone in that matter. I was simply just hanging out, drinking a couple of beers with them like we were all old pals.

Now was I wrong to do that and did I lost his trust?

I have another question. My boy friend flirts with girls a lot and I have found text messages and Facebook messages that he has been calling other girls sexy, beautiful and a sweet heart and he asked one girl if she could send him a picture.

Is this something I should worry about or is this just a typical guy thing?

Thanks!


Threads merged and edited/T

Now was I wrong to do that and did I lost his trust?
You could have called but he sort of did over react. Wonder why?


Is this something I should worry about or is this just a typical guy thing?
Its typical of single guys, but inappropriate for guys in committed relationships in my opinion.

No wonder he was mad, the jerk, because he figured you were having fun without him with the guys, because he has so much fun without you with the girls. What a hypocrite. He got mad at you for doing what he does.

Talk about it, but you don't need this type of crap, so don't take it. He is WRONG, on many levels.

When you allow bad behavior, you get more of it!!!!

I think that typically, in my opinion, guys who say they are in a committed relationship, but text, flirt, and ask for pictures of other women, don't like it when the game is turned- on them.

By going to this house, drinking and hanging out, not letting him know who you were with, what you were up to and when you'd be home, suddenly he's thinking she's doing the same sorts of things I am doing.

He has no reason from what you've said, to be jealous. But, he does have reason by his own behaviour, to be insecure.

I would tell him that the next time you decide to stop in to this house, you will call him and let him know where you are.

And I would also directly ask him what's going on with these other girls. Now THAT is inappropriate.

You did not do anything wrong. Not at all. You could have texted him when it became late, but that's fine, he should have at least listened to you before getting mad at you and letting you down. He is just over-reacting when he himself is flirting with other girls. And it is not a usual thing for a guy to call other girls sexy and stuff when he is committed to another girl.
Anyway, I see that a honest communication between the both is missing. Or so I see it.

Thank you. This really helps me a lot. I thought that I did something wrong real bad.yeah I actually talked to him about him flirting with other girls. All he said was that it's his personality it's who he is and that his not going to change. He is who is and no one is going to change him. He thinks that what his doing with these girls is completely fine because they are his friends and they know what kind of guy he is.

I have no idea why he reacted the way he did. One he had no reason to because he knows exactly what kind of guys these guys are and all of the guys knows that I am taken and not looking for anyone. I did talk to him about him flirting with other girls and I was telling him that he was disrespecting me and that he is hurting me a lot by him doing that. He told me that it's his personality and it is who is and no one is going to change him and his not going to change the person that he is.

Yeah I realized my own mistake and that was my fault, but I had to let him see what he was doing to me was not cool at all and that he was hurting me. When he did get a taste of his own medicine he got hurt by it just like I did. Was it my intention no it was not. Now he sees that what his doing with the other girls is not okay at all and he thinks it's all okay because they are his friends and they all know that he is taken. I am stupid to even stay in this relationship and try to make it work?

Do you think it is fair? You cannot question him, because when he does, it is right... but you get shouted at, for something that you didn't even mean to.
What are you planning to do?

No I don't think it's fair at all, and now that with this whole thing went down. I really can't trust him anymore and I want to make this relationship work, but it seems that his not welling to make it work really. My plan is to get a job and save money and move out, because it seems that he can't be a one woman guy. I have a lot of guy friends, but I'm not flirting with them or calling them this and that. I see them more of a brother to me than anything else. These girls that his friends with a majority of them are his ex's or flings and that's what I'm really concern about. When it comes to relationships for me. I am very loyal and faithful to that person. I don't call any guy sexy, hot or whatever names we all can come up with. I am stuck because one I really do care about him a lot and two I hate the thought of breaking his heart when his heart has been broken so many times before. Any more suggestions??

I have a little bit of a situation here. So my boy friend and I have known each other for 8 months and have been officially been together, exclusively for 6 months now. I don't appreciate it when his flirting with other girls. And some of you already have told me that it is not okay for him to be doing that, but in his own two eyes he thinks that it's okay because it's all just for fun. I do want to make this relationship work, but at the same time I don't because I don't want to get my heart broken again. I'm not in a spot to just pack up my stuff and leave, because I have no where to go and plus I have no job yet, but I will get a job soon, hopefully within the next few days here, anyway how do I break it off with him when I'm not even in the right situation to do so? Plus I hate breaking people's heart specially to a guy who is very nice and caring? This is really hard, and I need lots of advice, please tell me what you all think, thank you!!

He is not nice and caring if he tells you he plans on flirting with other women, he is being very rude.

He is not committed to you if he is still doing this

First there is no "right" or "wrong" to break up. If a couple one of the people no longer feel that spark, they just break up. You tell him that you can not stay in a relationship where you are not 1. trusted 2 where he wants to control who you visit as friends and 3 where he has double standards where he can flirt but you can't be visit friends.

Chuck is right on the money here.

You are not his priority. Any good man in a solid relationship, is not carrying on with women because "that's just the way he is, and he's not going to change".

I think it is pretty safe to assume that if you carried on with other men because that is the way you are, and you aren't willing to change, well, he'd be rather miffed wouldn't he?

If you want loyalty, honesty, and fidelity to go along with having a relationship, this guy, is not it.

No I don't think it's fair at all, and now that with this whole thing went down. I really can't trust him anymore and I want to make this relationship work, but it seems that his not welling to make it work really. My plan is to get a job and save money and move out, because it seems that he can't be a one woman guy. I have a lot of guy friends, but i'm not flirting with them or calling them this and that. I see them more of a brother to me than anything else. These girls that his friends with a majority of them are his ex's or flings and that's what i'm really concern about. When it comes to relationships for me. I am very loyal and faithful to that person. I don't call any guy sexy, hot or whatever names we all can come up with. I am stuck because one i really do care about him a lot and two I hate the thought of breaking his heart when his heart has been broken so many times before. Any more suggestions???

Ask him to sit down for a while, and tell him all the things that you have written here. If he realizes his mistake and you trust him that he won't do that again, good then. But if he says, he can't stop flirting because he just thinks they are fun, or if you think that he is lying that is where you should put a full stop. No mercy, it is for your own good.

It's so complicated because if I do break it off with him. I have no where to go plus I have no job to support me right now. Another thing too is that his being very secretive with me now. I don't let it get to me, but sometimes it is really hard not to think about it. Over all he is a great guy, there are just some things that I'm really concern and that's mainly it.lol...

Yeah he would not like it if I flirted with other guys. I actually asked him if I did what he was doing to me what would you do all he said is that he wouldn't care as long as the line is not crossed. As for me I don't do that at all. I think it is rude, disrespectful and to top it off very wrong in my own two eyes. Didn't he cross the line already?

See that's the thing. I talked to him about it and if I bring it up again he'll get mad and he won't even listen to me. I tried talking to him about it more than once already and I came to a dead end. I never got closure or if his going to stop or if he has stopped. It is so complicated. Yeah I want to break up with him, but at the same time I don't because I really want to make this relationship work, but I don't know how to go about it. Do you have any idea what I should do?

Some of you already know what is going on with my boyfriend and I. It is very complicated and I am not in a good spot to break it off with him. If I do end up breaking up with him. How do I go about it? Or should I give him another chance and see if we could work through it and build the trust back up again. He is a great guy. He just needs to treat me more with respect and not go around and flirt with other girls. The reason that I feel like I'm stuck is because I don't want to break his heart and I'm not in a good spot to beak it off with him now and I do love him and care about him a lot... but I am afraid that if I stay longer I'm just going to keep on getting my heart broken. What do I do now?

Two ways to make this relationship work.
1. Turn the plates around. Tell him that you can't be with him, unless he would change. Go NC for a while and make sure he gets the news that you are truly happy with friends. He would come back to you, and put your demands then.
However, if this doesn't work, or he agrees but repeats the same story again consider it is over. No more tries.
2. Give in. No matter what he does, you would have to accept that he is the boss. You would have to loose your prerogative.
And you will have to go through a lot of pain.

You're not in a "good spot" right now?? Break it off with him and save your heart for someone who will love and respect you as the wonderful person you are.

Well this is a really tough call cause I do want to make it work with him. But I'm afraid that if I stay in this relationship I'll end getting my heart broken. I think I'd rather have him break it off with me than me breaking it off with him. I can handle heart ache better than me breaking someone's heart. So how do I go with this route now?

I know I'm not in a good spot, but I'd rather have him break it off with me and get my heart broken cause I can handle it better than me breaking it off with him because I don't think I can handle it very well knowing that I just broke someone's heart. So how do I make him break it off with me so that I don't have to do it. And I'm not going to go and cheat on him, but what can I do to make him want to break it off with me?

so how do I go with this route now?

It sounds like a cop-out, like you are hoping against hope that he will welcome you back with open arms. It sounds desperate.

You can't.

Be smart and not a doormat. Break it off with him.

(And please stop opening up new threads. It's a total pain to have to go back to old threads to figure out what you are talking about. Just keep adding your thoughts to one thread.)

No that's not it. I just hate breaking people's heart. I've always been like this too. I never broke anyone's heart. It is always them breaking mine and I was able to handle myself better. Now me breaking someone's heart this time I don't know if I'd be able to live. If he does break it of with me then yeah that would be less stress on me because one, I'm not the one who did wrong, he did and two just knowing that I broke his heart will only crush mine to pieces. I know it may not make sense, but I'd rather be heart broken than break someone's heart.

Sorry, and just stay with the other one... forget about this thread then and thanks for the heads up about how annoying to go back and forth on a thread... then yeah I do have a lot of thinking and planning to do then, cause when I do end it with him. I want to at least leave in good terms and not have him mad or upset. Guaranteed he'll be heart broken, but I got to look out what's best for me.

I'm talking about the other thread, not this one, sorry I apologize for the misunderstanding.

Then you know what to do -- tell him to break up with you so you can get on with your life. (I doubt very much you can "break his heart.")

I want to at least leave in good terms and not have him mad or upset.

Why??

Part of growing up and being an adult is learning to do what is right for you. It is also accepting when it is time to move on, and realizing that if the relationship is not right you are actually doing him a favor to break up when you realize it rather than letting it continue. No one enjoys breaking up with someone or causing heartbreak, but that is what happens until you find the right relationship with the right person at the right time. I know when I look back at past relationships I don't regret that I had them as I learned something and had fun during the good times. The only thing I would do differently now is to act sooner when I realized that it wasn't my "forever" relationship. I know it's easier to stay in the short-run, but it's better to get on with your life in the long run.

You mentioned you don't have a place to go. Can you stay for a while with friends or family? Can you find a roommate? Start looking for a job as you have mentioned, and I would recommend that you strive for a future where you can independently take care of yourself.

Because I'd still want to be his friend.

Yeah I know. It is going to be tough, but I'll have to do it...

because I'd still want to be his friend.

No, no, no!! It doesn't work that way.

Read some of the other, similar threads on the Relationships board. Trying to be friends after a breakup is such a bad idea, and has been shown time and time again on this site that it's a bad idea. Maybe later you two can be friends, but not for months and maybe even years after a breakup, no matter which of you breaks up with the other.

When you start respecting yourself, he will do also, however while you continue to put up with his *ish he will not see that anything is wrong with his treatment of you.

Stop making excuses for him and stop being a doormat.

Man this is harder than I thought.. I hate relationships they are so complicated..

Yeah I have been looking for a job for a very long time... and me staying with my parents is not an option... and I want to make it on my own... I do have a couple friends that I can stay with, but only for a short term and I have a job interview coming up this Friday, but it's not in the field for what I went to school for. I am applying for jobs that is in my field and continuously looking every day and applying.. yesterday I walked from store to store to grab applications in a 96 degree weather... so yeah I'm doing all of this for me and figure out what is my best interest and not anyone else's... it is hard, but I'm getting there...

Okay got it... plain and simple break it off with him before we get more deeper into the whole.. got it... thanks for the advice..