Hi,

Ive been married for a year, when we first started dating I had been totally okay with her talking to her exes. Until one day she told me she lied about how far she had gone physically with her ex, I had asked her not to speak to him anymore. Especially since she had always downplayed that particular relationship as frivolous and unimportant. She gave me her word that she wouldn't talk to him to earn back my trust.

Recently, she spoke to him again regarding questions she had about Barcelona because he had lived there earlier. I got really upset with her and asked her not to speak to him again as I had other sources of information if she wanted to know about Barcelona.

She then came up with an extensive list of things to do there, and I asked her how many times she spoke to her ex about this and she told me just twice.

Because she had lied to me before, I felt compelled to just check if she was telling me the truth, so I checked her email.

From there I found that she had multiple discussions, in which they were remembering old times, some emotional conversation, and were chatting for hours at a time. Nothing to suspect that she's cheating. But she did plan to meet him alone (which I had forbidden), however, it didn't work out for logistical reasons.

I'm deeply hurt and upset that she lied to me about this, and went behind my back to talk to him and plan to meet him when she swore she wouldn't do so. I don't suspect that she's cheating, but to me this is a serious breach of trust.

I don't know how to confront her, if I should confront her, especially since I found my proof through spying, which I know she's going to make a big deal of. But I feel like crap and don't know how to get over it without confronting her.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks!

You need to talk to her about it so admitting to spying is a must-because that's what you did.

Whatever it is she's up to-you must discuss this and see where that goes.

Can you clarify your comment that she lied about how far she went physically with her ex. Do you mean what happened before she met you, or are you talking about physical contact since you have been together?

If I am reading it right you seem to be talking about the past. The first thing I would say if that is the case then what happened in the past is irrelevant. You forbidding her to speak with him sounds heavy handed.

On the other hand her making plans to meet him alone behind your back would be unacceptable to me.

The only way to deal with this is to admit the spying and have an honest discussion, but pick your battles. What's past is past but what she is doing now is your business. How does she view this ex now? Does she consider him a friend? What does she want from this relationship with him? Does she see him becoming your friend too? You need to stop judging her past if you want honesty in what is happening now.