jfullem123
Jul 1, 2011, 08:25 AM
I was in a very codependent and toxic relationship. Simultaneously I was laid off and struggling to rejoin the workforce. She held this and many other things against me. I'm an empathic person (work in education field now with students needing emotional support). I mention both of these things not to look favorable, it is who I am and valid to this story. My ex was riddled with low self-esteem and depression. Despite her outward beauty and plethora of physical and cognitive gifts she was very low on herself. I loved her deeply and we both moved very quickly. She moved in with me within a couple months and her "issues" started rising show daily until she had me living moment to moment and walking on eggshells. Just leave her, right? Wasn't that easy. It is kind of a cheesy analogy, but imagine me as a sponge and her constant emotional outbursts and venting as the water. I soaked it up and became weighed down. I guess this is when it became codependent. Anyway, she moved out and I didn't want things to end without my giving it my absolute all. I stopped overdoing the drinking and found a job. Step one in recovery and getting her back complete! She was very cold to me and dangled her love like a carrot. Like the weakened sole I was I kept trying to give her what she wanted in hopes of giving me what I needed. (I've learned this was a huge mistake) I then got into a car accident and received a DUI. This was my darkest hour. Nobody was hurt thankfully and I feel into a deep funk that took me a quite a while to get out of. See I just landed an amazing job and I thought, figures, this will ruin it. I kept plugging along and actually found the experience to be what I needed to to cut out all the bad things I was doing to my body. So even though it was awful my career and physical health had improved drastically and I was feeling great. After the DUI the ex lost it. She began harassing my parents telling them she would inform my new job and my college that I was a drunken loser. Somehow I was able to rationalize her behavior as helping inform my parents just how messed up I was. I was in complete denial. After some time past and I began feeling great, looking great (lost weight), and thinking clearly I realized that the only thing missing in my recovery was my emotional health. The girlfriend had to go! I told her over dinner that we needed a significant break. She was very bright but her mind was occupied by her depression and self doubt and physically she was pushing herself so hard daily to be an elite triathlete. There was nothing left for me. She never understood clearly how her actions (or lack there of), words, and non-verbal communication effected others, usually for the worse. So I told her, we cried, and I slept like a baby for the first time in a month. Apparently I didn't learn my lesson. The very next day she said "sorry, I need you in my life". I asked what will change and she said she would give me what I want. For the record I wasn't asking a lot, love, kindness, etc. I caved in and found myself at dinner with her less than 24 hours after ending things. Feeling I was standing on eggshells I asked in a meek voice, why should I be okay with getting back with you? She said she would probably feel in 20 years I was the one that got away. Not exactly the best response but again it was good enough for this sorry sack of you know what. A few days past and I came to my senses. Nothing changed nor would they ever. On a Saturday night I was at a concert and couldn't even enjoy the experience. I found myself complaining to my poor friends who had heard the same story over and over. All day all I got was a text complaining how her parents were in town and how awful it was going so far. Nothing but negativity. So I called, left a message, she called back, and I told her it HAD to end. She lost it! Always wanting to be the victor and often resorting to using tangible items as pawns in her outbursts she insisted on getting her computer back that second. For the record she offered that I could keep said old computer because she actually broke mine a couple months prior in another fit of rage. I beat her back to my place by a couple minutes and she soon arrived. She barged in, asked me if it was over (I said yes), she hit me, began playing at my insecurities, broke two more times she had given me as gifts, and was pointing her finger an inch from my face. We were near the door and I ushered her outside. Apparently she got a small cut on her heal on her way out. Its an old home with big slab steps (or maybe it was the wrought iron arm railing). Regardless she tripped because she was wearing flip flops. Three days later she sends me a nasty text saying "watch your ***" complete with a smiley face "there is a bench warrant out for your ***". I was later arrested after inquiring with the local police if it were true. So recently I had a preliminary hearing for both a DUI and the simple assault/harassment that the ex charged me with. Understanding that I'm the victim here, she showed up to court all smug and said she'd like to drop the charges so long as I have to take anger management classes. Ironic because she would lose her mind constantly over the smallest things and I was ALWAYS the calming influence. So the DUI I take full responsibility for, but I've been targeted by a vindictive ex-gf and charged with a crime I didn't commit. What should I do? My lawyer says we'd win if I took her to trial, but it would be expensive, I'd have to miss work, and it would prolong her influence on my life. I signed something saying I was guilty (which kills me inside since I'm not) and am signed up to begin my counseling. I can not begin serving my ARD (accelerated recovery disposition) for the DUI charges until this most recent issue is cleared up. Advice anyone? I don't know if I can actually go into a class for anger management when I don't have an anger problem. I'll feel like Adam Sandler here! I'm only angry because of needing to take the class and this is not denial here. Any and all advice on this long winded story would be appreciated.