Hello there. Here is the situation at the moment, I hope you are able to help me.

My boyfriend of 9 months ended our relationship due to his depression. I love him and he admitted since breaking up, that he still loves me too. As I've experienced and now understand, his depression has left him numb to those feelings and often unable to show that he does love me. Initially, I blamed myself for this loss of attention and I was left very hurt and confused. We have always been very honest and open to one another and I tried to talk to him to sort out our problems. They were discussed though never really resolved and most often, it turned out that it was something he could change but he never agreed to, or felt he could. It was very clear that he was depressed over the time we were together and I did my hardest to try and remain positive and supportive.

One of the problems we had was that we lived far away from one another. At first, I had lived out of home, close to his place and travel was not hard. Since moving back to my parents' place, I had found myself always going to his house which is also occupied by his family though his room was much more spacious than mine and it was easier to spend time together there. We both don't have much money, as I am a student and his job does not pay well so we were less inclined to go out. I continued to take public transport there for quite some time without complaint. This resulted in my mounting resentment and unhappiness, as my expectations of a partner included that we make equal efforts to see one another and I felt it was very unfair. I eventually confronted him, he apologised and came over a couple of times when he could. However, I still found myself going there to see him much more often and it was there that I witnessed the extent of his depression.

Whenever we spent time together in other environments besides his place it was as if he had been "refreshed." He was very loving and attentive and we joked around more and had a lot more fun.

After spending a few days with him at his place before the break up he had grown increasingly distant and irritable. I did not say anything when he hurt my feelings, knowing that he was not in his right mind but at the end of the day, I broke down crying and we ended up talking about his depression. I was trying so hard to be helpful and positive but his attitude was that he was never going to be happy again and we shouldn't be together because he keeps hurting me.

I was very upset and sought the help of my friend who has had depression, as well as having been a partner of a depressed person previously. We agreed the next day to try and meet with him to encourage him to seek help as it seemed that his mental health had been steadily worsening and the sooner the better, as he didn't have to suffer any longer than he had to. The plan was that I'd meet him first and then if he wanted to we could go see my friend and we could all talk about it together.

Instead, he broke up with me. I'll paraphrase what he said;

He told me that the overwhelming feeling of the love I had for him made him feel content,(he described it akin to the effects of a drug) and didn't motivate him to change.

He said that he was constantly hurting me and that I shouldn't have to deal with his issues as it effects me quite badly when I try to understand him and take them on as my own. (This is very true as I was feeling very down myself and I was suffering from anxiety, only I didn't realise at the time).

He refused any of the help I had to offer and said that this was something he had to do on his own without me. He needed to concentrate on his future and he couldn't be in a relationship to do that. Though he knows he still loves me, as he's so apathetic he can't feel love and would just be 'going through the motions'. My friend told me that this is what depressed people did, that they tried to isolate themselves to deal with the problems on their own, though to recover, they need support.

I told him that I hadn't given up on us and that I knew it wasn't him making this decision and that He was still inside. I told him he didn't have to face this alone and that I was there to help him. He didn't have to tell me anything only that I he could know that I was there. But no matter what I said, it did not make a difference, he had already made up his mind. When we met we had a kind of "soul mate/twin flames" connection and I still firmly stand by that and that what we have is really true love. He agreed. He told me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and that I was the only good thing going in his life. He used this breaking up with me, saying that he needed it to be the other way round in order for him to be happy.

Even though I feel so much hurt and heartache I still feel as if we aren't really over. I don't know if that's just me being hopeful, naïve or romantic but I still love him and I don't know what to do. I want him to be happy. He wants space- he wants more than space, he doesn't want me in his life any more.

I guess my question is after all that is, How best can I help him? I think we do need to be apart to grow up and this could be the best thing for us, but is it really best that he does it alone? Is that logic from his negative state of mind? I believe he is most comfortable around me and he could do with someone who cares about him and wants to help but I know there is no use in forcing myself on him when he doesn't want me. I believe it would be possible for us to still be together without me neglecting my own needs, only I don't know how to go about doing that or approaching him about it. Or even if I should.

Breaking up with me he said that he didn't want to be with anyone else. I don't want to be either. He is an amazing person and has such a good heart.

Right now I've decided to accept and make peace with the decision but I can't just stop caring about him. I need some advice please.

Thank you, sorry if that was hard to understand or if there were unnecessary bits there. I look forward to hearing from you.

As your friend has probably already explained to you, there isn't anything else you can do. He has to be the one who wants to change his life and get help. You can give him everything in the world including reasons, but the actual work has to be done by him.

I don't think he is ready to get help or do the work. He seems to be firmly entrenched in wallowing in his depression. Living your life is probably the best thing you can do right now. Hopefully, he will finally get the idea that his way isn't working. Unfortunately it may take everyone around him getting fed up and not enabling his behavior before he hits bottom hard enough to jolt him into taking a positive step.

Can your friend point you to any support groups for people who are dealing with individuals who have Depression?

Thank you Cat1864! I'm sure she would be able to recommend something. But how long should I wait before speaking to him again? I don't know how he'd take me trying to check up on him

As tempting as it may be, I wouldn't contact him. Let him contact you.

I know it isn't easy waiting and hoping, but he knows you are there for him. However, he needs to take the step of reaching out.

Please leave him alone to deal with his issues while you take the time to heal, and get YOURSELF mentally and emotionally healthy.

Sucks when we can't help loved ones, we try and pay a great price ourselves when its them that have to help themselves or you are wasting time.

Don't waste any more time, or feelings on him. Not an easy thing I know, but necessary for YOU.

Thank you for your help. It has been very hard and to be honest, I almost feel relieved now, like a burden has been lifted. You guys a re really great for getting back to me so quickly, thanks.

Hello, I've only just read this but Im in exactly the same position as you. My boyfriend has got progressivly worse and more distant until he recently broke up with me. Struggling quite a bit tbh, just wondered how you're getting on now? Has your ex got back in touch with you?