My name is Destiny and I am 26yrs pregnant by a married man. I’m also engaged to this lovely man... I can't have an abortion due to medical reasons so I don't have any other reason than to keep the baby... I’m going to lose my fiancée due to all this... I love the married man but he’s got a wife and two kids... his wife doesn't know about our affair... the married man and I have been best friends for 10yrs before he even met his wife we’ve been apart due to our work.when we met again he told me he loves me and if its not his wife he I would have been the one.. he tells me he’s in love with me and he doesn’t care if the wife find out about me or the baby he’s ready to lose his family over all this... I know this sounds horrible but I’m also ready to lose my fiancée for him I love him more and he tells me he’s in love with me.. but sometimes I just wonder if all this is real or I will be the one to end up with nothing!! Help

First of all, even if this man loses his wife, even if you lose your fiancée. You will have a beautiful baby. So you will have this child which is an amazing gift. No matter what circumstance you are in.

You do need to let your fiancée know, and if your affair with this guy is not out in the open with his wife then the truth needs to come out and see where the chips fall.

Goodluck to you and with your new baby.

Joe

Step back for a moment Destiny and please see how very dishonest you've been before its too late. Selfish and uncaring of others feelings too, perhaps? Think about how that looks to your child somewhere down the road. Consider for a moment how he or she will learn all that from you and then rack up a bunch of misery in his or her life, just as you have. Its really about how much of your good morals are you willing to toss out the window in an attempt to gain what you want. I don't mean to sound harsh or judgemental but these things really are connected. You've made some poor decisions and now you have the poor results of that. You had nothing to begin with-- not because you can't make people do what you want-- but because of how little you value people, including yourself on a moral basis. Now you have a child to think about and that changes everything. Get your moral act together... live happy, joyous and free! It really does work that way, I know this from firsthand experience racking up a bunch of misery myself and then cleaning it all up. There is a better way to live than this and you can find it!

Wow... well I would say don't be surprised when he does the same thing to you. You and he both should have had more respect for yourselves and the other people in your lives. What goes around comes around... I guarantee you!

Do you want sympathy for the situation you're in? You're probably not going to get it here. You did something really NOT NICE, and got caught in the most obvious way possible.

Do you really want to ruin someone else's life with your selfishness? (and yes, you ARE being selfish). Your fiancée, your lover's wife, everyone's family... No matter how you try to work all of this out, you're going to look like a selfish, loose, near-sighted homewrecker.

My advice is to tell your fiancée what's going on, give him the chance to decide how HE would like to react. THEN, once you have that situation handled, give the ultimatum to your married lover that he has to tell his wife. Regardless how you think he feels, and what he says to you... I'm doubting he'll leave his wife. He hasn't yet, has he?

THEN... you are going to have to work out visitation and child support. (This is looking less pretty all the time, isn't it?). If his marriage survives this little bombshell (and somehow, I think it will), then your child will have to deal with an antagonistic "stepmom" who will be reminded every time she sees him/her that her husband cheated. If the marriage DOESN'T survive... well, don't hold your breath on him marrying you. He'll have some excuse or another why that can't happen.

I don't see much happiness for you out of this, really. My REAL advice is to take a deep breath, square your shoulders, and move on with your life, with the promise to your child that you will treat them better than you have treated the other people around you.

You'll be the one to end up with nothing, except for a kid with no father. Neither you nor this married man know the meaning of the word "commitment." He may have been your best friend for 10 years before he met his wife but he made his decisions and you made yours. You're being very unfair to his wife, his kids and your fiancée. There's no easy way out of this situation and you're all going to end up burned.

I am heartened to see you taking my post so well. Getting your moral compass back will be worth everything it may "cost" you now tenfold and you'll eventually see that looking back. In order to build self esteem, you must do esteemable things and you have taken a good first step.

Ugghhhhhhhhhhhhh another chick screwing around with a married man! Why? WHy do they fall for the married guys lies? Why?

Every day we get one.

Lets see - he promised you the world.

Of course you should lose your fiancé - I'd go running too - you were screwing around with a married man!

I would go after child support for sure. You must. That's all you will get out of this.

See married guy cheated on his wife - he'll cheat on you as well. He's liar and cheater.

"when we met again he told me he loves me and if its not his wife he i would have been the one" - sure he did!! Oldest line in the book. I could have told you he would say that before you met up again. He wanted sex!! That's it nothing more. He won't be leaving his wife - until she finds out about your baby.

Then no one will lbe married - everyone hating everyone.

but sometimes I just wonder if all this is real or I will be the one to end up with nothing!! Help
I wish it was that simple,but with a child in the picture he is the one to suffer for the mistakes of his selfish, foolish parents. Would it be too much to ask to put your own needs aside now, and make sure your child is in a healthy, loving, stable environment? Can he have a chance at an honest life that you and your lying friend so casually put aside in your lust for each other at everyone's expense, or will you make him suffer for the self abuse you allowed in your life. The only way you can redeem a wasted stupid life with poor choices is to raise your child and give him the real love he deserves, not the perverted fantasy he was conceived in.

Morality? Sometimes you are just so nuts about another person that it feels like the right thing to do. I never thought I would ever cheat on my husband, but here I am, 10 years into marriage, lonely for most of my marriage, and fell totally in love with a coworker who was married with 2 kids. During our affair, his wife was pregnant with his 3rd child. I realize this may seem gross to many people reading this, but until you find yourself in our shoes, you would understand. I know he cannot leave his wife; nor do I expect him to. And I would never want him to leave his kids. But I can say that I have been my happiest with him, and my most miserable without him -- and I am without him most of the time. Thus I am miserable. I realize in retrospect I should have just walked away, but we became so close and enjoyed each others company so much, I loved being with him too much to just walk away. And then things happened. So Destiny, I totally understand where you are coming from and I do not judge you. The only thing you can do now is try to do what is best for all involve, mostly thinking about the kids, because they are the victims in the matter. The kids pay for our mistakes. But, for anyone else reading this, please, never, never, never get involved with a married man. No matter how great the temptation. Despite the incredible joy I have felt, I have never felt so miserable. If you are ever met with such temptation, hold your head high and walk away. Don't even start it.

I think you are in a very difficult situation - one of ethics and values. I think being honest with what happened to every party involved will be the best in the end. This way you have done the right thing and than let the chips fall where they may. I assure you your baby will be very proud to have a wonderful mom who did the right thing.

My thoughts and prayers are with you for making the right decision. It's still not too late to do the right thing and not hurt anyone. Good luck

All I can think of is that poor baby who didn't ask for any of this. Right from the start he/she has an up hill emotional battle and questions of why that may never get answered. Relationships effect more then the two people in them and that seems to be forgotten way too much.

You have made your bed as they say, you must now lie in it. At some point in its life, your baby will need to know who its father is, it may be for medical reasons, to see if there is a certain problem medically in the child's family. You need to accept what you have done and take the consequenses. It is just a pity, this married mans innocent family are going to be hurt by all of this.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh - I just really hope all the women screwing around with MARRIED guys read this.

Those married guys 98.9% the time won't leave their wives - EVER!! Hello??

And then the consequnece of having sex. A bed out of wed lock. Hello??

Sorry to be so blunt - but hopefully this post wakes up all the women who make 1 million excuses for themselves to be with a married guy.

So many single guys outthere - that are good guys - and these women end up with married jerks... jerks who lie, cheat and steal to only SLEEP WITH YOU -nothing more. The married guy is in it for the sex. That's it ladies.

Dear Destiny:
I feel for your situation. Unlike some individuals who have posted in response to your question, I do not believe that that anyone should judge your morality. Everyone makes mistakes, and nobody is perfect. I am sure that you really love this man, and probably never intended on causing anyone emotional pain. Often times we let our heart rule our head, and it sounds like he convinced you that he was in love with you and not his wife. In answer to your question--considering the fact that your married lover is still married and with children--it is highly unlikely that he will leave his wife for you and your child. I sincerely doubt if he will even willingly tell his wife about the child. However, you will not lose everything. You will have an innocent and beautiful child to raise--regardless of the circumstances--and as the biological father, he will be obligated to pay child support. Regarding your "fiance", I cannot imagine that he would want to continue in a marriage with you--or even stay with you--once he knows about your pregnancy and the fact that you cheated on him. One thing that I advise you: PLEASE do not tell his wife about the affair and child. She is a victim here. You did not ruin his marriage; HE ruined his marriage when he chose to have sex with another woman while married. If she is meant to know about all of this, either it should come from his mouth or she will find out somehow, someday. This has nothing to do with the wife; this whole situation is between YOU and THE FATHER OF YOUR UNBORN CHILD. I wish you the best in dealing with your situation. Congratulations on your upcoming arrival.

This has nothing to do with the wife;

As empassioned as your post is, I disagree with this statement whole heartedly. Maybe this could have been avoided if someone had given her consideration in the first place.

Dear Talaniman:
Thank you for your response to my post. Of course I think that the man's infidelity has everything to do with his relationship with his wife, but I feel that the CHILD who is the result of the infidelity has nothing to do with the wife but is between the man's girlfriend and himself. My emphasis on the girlfriend not contacting the wife and telling her about everything is because I don't think that it will help the situation at all. She will only create more stress for her and her unborn child, anger from the man, anger from the wife towards the girlfriend, and pain to the wife who is a victim here. I also don't believe that telling the wife in the beginning would have necessarily avoided the outcome; many woman stay with their husbands regardless of unfaithfulness in the marriage--especially if they share children together--and he likely would have done the same thing with someone else. I still feel that it is the man's place to deal with his wife, and she will eventually find out about it anyway either by accident or when he is ordered by the courts to pay child support. But, this is just one woman's perspective. I respect your opinions.

I really hope every woman in the world who is with a married man or thinking about being with a married man reads this thread and can see how HORRIBLE it is.

Married should mean off limits or you will end up in a huge mess like this.

You don't have anything to do with a married man until the divorce papers are signed and he moves out.

The chances of him actually leaving his wife and/or FAMILY are very slim. He just there to use you.

IT's NOT OK to be with a married man.

I don't mean to be negative, and I understand how your heart must feel in this situation, but step back and look at it from another persons perspective. This is a married man, he has a wife, who may not have any clue this is going one, and children. Even if he does go through with it and leaves her for you, think of the emotional strife it will cause on those innocent people. Think of yourself in those shoes (the wife, I mean) who's to say in another few years, you aren't her in this same situation. I have always believed, once a cheater, always a cheater. You could be her in a few years losing your husband and your child a father, without any idea of what to do. Do you really want that. As for your fiance', you need to tell him, because he is innocent as well. If you lose him, you lose him, but it is the only right thing to do.

The females who fall for these lyin' cheatin' SOB's have issues and are stupid for listening to these guys, But the main thing is these guy's are selfish and unconcerned as to the consequences of their actions and where I lay most of the blame at. Just my opinion.

The females who fall for these lyin' cheatin' SOB's have issues and are stupid for listening to these guys,

I agree. Look, I as a man have fallen for things women tell me that aren't true at all. Yes they lied and they have some of the blame, but in the end I also have to accept the fact that if the evidence is overwhelming that I'm being used and I allowed it to continue I'm stupid or at least acting stupid in that situation. I fully admit it. I've been really stupid believing some things women say to me. That's what brought me here to begin with as a matter of fact, my brain was telling me the truth but I wanted to believe something different. I NEEDED the cold slap of reality across my face because none of my friends wanted to hurt my feelings so they weren't doing it. Women like this NEED the cold slap of reality to shake them up and make them follow through on what they already know. It's not judging them or belittling them, it's getting them to face reality because most mistresses are not living in it.


But the main thing is these guy's are selfish and unconcerned as to the consequences of their actions and where I lay most of the blame at. Just my opinion.

It's a 50/50 split in the blame, in my opinion but the guy wasn't posting here for us to rip into. So it's not like we blamed this women entirely, we just didn't have the other party here to take half of it. Kind of like every affair. The mistress takes the fall and the guy runs back to his wife.

Absolutely Tal. I wish all the women who are with married guys and THINK he will leave his wife - read this thread.

THE BIG DEAL IS>>>>>>

He cheated on his wife - he WILL cheat on you!!

The females who fall for these lyin' cheatin' SOB's have issues and are stupid for listening to these guys, But the main thing is these guy's are selfish and unconcerned as to the consequences of their actions and where I lay most of the blame at. Just my opinion.

I totally agree with you. It is where I place most of the blame as well.

Thank you everyone for your views and opinions regarding my situation I do appriciate everybody's advice.

I'm now 28weeks pregnant and looking forward to be mother.. I have learned lot from all this and I am a changed person now. I guess I was naïve and stupid to think he will leave his family for me then again we learn from mistakes.

I told my fiancé the truth, the affair and the pregnancy. He was very HURT! I can't explain, but he decieded to stay with me and give it another go... things are not the same ofcause but its getting better everyday.he promised to love this baby as his own. And he's looking forward for our unborn baby.

As for the married man, he's still married and the wife knows, he also came clean with his wife buy ofcause he put all the blame on me as all man do after getting caught, not taking any responsibility of the their actions just putting the blame on the other woman. Him and me are over and as for the child support, I have decieded to raise the child without his help as I don't want any contact what so ever.

So again thanks everyone for your advice

Can ALL woman learn from this!! Please?? Many married many WILL lie, cheat, and steal to sleep with you - nothing more.

You DO NOT get involved with a married men UNTIL the divorce papers are signed he's moved out.

They rarely leave their wives.

Disagree. No one should be involved with a married. He has family etc.

Yes, you've learned now... but you shouldn't have been there in the first place. He used you.

Yes you have made a mistake , all humans do but before you make decisions now that will affect your child, please give it a lot of though since the child has you to look out for his interest. Child support is not just for you or to make the father feel good, but it's the child's right and the fathers responsibility, to help give this child a better life and when adults shirk this duty the child suffers in the long run, and also consider what you tell your child when he ask where his dad is. Don't make your child suffer for your mistakes but think hard what is best for him/her. Anything less would mean you have not learned a damn thing from your actions. Don't take the easy road to assuage your own guilt's. Sorry, but I don't care about your feelings or the man who donated his sperm, Just do the right thing by this child.

May you get all you deserve

May you get all you deserve

Well, at this point, she has a year old baby--something many women would do an awful lot to have.

May Karma work for you, Same Situation. Including ALL of the thoughts and hopes and wishes you have for others coming back to you threefold.

Thoughts are one thing, actions are another. This woman got pregnant by a married man on purpose, with no regard for anyone but herself. She is selfish and I do not feel sorry for women like her.

Comments on this post
Same Situation : Thoughts are one thing, actions are another. This woman got pregnant by a married man on purpose, with no regard for anyone but herself. She is selfish and I do not feel sorry for women like her.

Who said I felt sorry for her? Seems to me the married man was at LEAST half of the issue here--why are you mad at HER and not at HIM? Most of the "cheating" situations I know of, it's the person IN the relationship starting stuff up with the single person, not the single person pursuing the married person.

Either way, the POINT of my post was that this thread is a YEAR AND A HALF OLD. Your post is falling on deaf ears because her situation no longer exists.

Either way, you wishing her all she deserved is something of a curse--you didn't mean it kindly, and your comment to me proves it. I'm just saying that no matter HOW bad this seems to you, I'm sure that you're not squeaky clean of any action that has hurt someone else in the past--and since Karma works, that ill-wish will come back to haunt you when you get what YOU deserve.

QUOTE:
Who said I felt sorry for her? Seems to me the married man was at LEAST half of the issue here--why are you mad at HER and not at HIM? Most of the "cheating" situations I know of, it's the person IN the relationship starting stuff up with the single person, not the single person pursuing the married person.

Either way, the POINT of my post was that this thread is a YEAR AND A HALF OLD. Your post is falling on deaf ears because her situation no longer exists.

Either way, you wishing her all she deserved is something of a curse--you didn't mean it kindly, and your comment to me proves it. I'm just saying that no matter HOW bad this seems to you, I'm sure that you're not squeaky clean of any action that has hurt someone else in the past--and since Karma works, that ill-wish will come back to haunt you when you get what YOU deserve.

____________

I agree that "He" is 50% in the wrong, didn't say he wasn't. Deaf ears or not, people are responsible for their actions. She selected to be involved with a married man, and I say again, with no regard for anyone but herself. I don't think her actions should be "swept under the carpet" or accepted. Whether I am "squeaky clean" or not, is not relevant. She slept with a married man, not me. You are right. I do not think kindly of women like her and to accept what she has done is close to condoning it. Just as you are entitled to your opinion, so am I.

/sigh

Can we PLEASE get this post closed?

I truly understand your situation. I am a step worse off. Married, got pregnant from my affair and out of sanity and time to pick up what was left of my conscious I separated from my husband. He till this day does not know the child is not his and I cannot tell him as yet. My lover, well he is a well to do man who only thinks of his 'status' - work and church - six years down the road I now realise that it might have been a big mistake. I love him to the end of the earth and back! But reality is that he is not mine and though he tries to support me financially - I need it but I need him more. I now don't know what to do with my beautiful innocent child when she gets older - do I let her know the truth... I am now pretty much planning migrating just to get real. On top of this I have two other children I will have to explain too. Yes there were reasons enough for the affair to start but its all such a mess, I should have dealt with myself first. I hope this helps.

CLOSED!

This thread is THREE YEARS OLD.