I am not a bad person, in fact I think I am a good friend to have but everybody seems to cut me out. I have always been the black sheep since I was young. I grew up to be the left one out as well and I don't have a lot of friends. People always seem to make fun of me, I don't know why, I mean I am not perfect, I am not really thin but not fat, I am a bit hairy but I take care of that regularly but nobody is perfect anyway so I don't know why this thing grew with me.

When I was a kid my mother used to beat me and I even suffer from agoraphobia, maybe it is because of that trauma, I don't really know. I was in a relationship and I really cared about my boyfriend but he ended up breaking with me via the mobile and each time I try to explain to him what he means to me he threatens me that if I don't shut up he will call the police.

Now I can't sleep at night, I feel bad and I shake and have a lot of nerves and during the day I feel like I want to sleep all day. I can't even put my concentration on studying now, and I was an intelligent kid before. I am so fed up with this life :( I want to become invisible :( Nobody likes me and I don't know why, I try really hard to fit in and help others but I always end up betrayed and kicked down. I just don't know what to do :(

I think you should see a doctor, ASAP, and get treated for depression, which is very common after a break up. Happens to a lot of us, and we need a little help to get through a trying time.

How old are you?

Sweetie... you really need to talk to someone (preferably an adult) that you trust about all of this. Do you have anyone? It could be a parent (not sure if your mother has changed or not), Grandparent, teacher, minister/priest, Doctor, Aunt or Uncle. All I know is that you desparately need to do that.

If you suffer from agoraphobia I presume you were diagnosed? If so, speak to the therapist or Dr. who diagnosed you. You need to tell them exactly what you have said here... in fact, I'd print it out and take it to them - as well as the responses you receive.

If you regularly see a therapist and it isn't helping, perhaps you need a referral to another one who subscribes to a different method of therapy. Don't be afraid to suggest this. If you aren't seeing anyone you should be. You have had a lot to deal with in your short life and sometimes we just need help.

I can tell you this... IF you get the appropriate help and you work hard you will NOT hate your life. I don't know why you don't fit in, but I have my thoughts on it. You could be trying too hard. If so, if you can do something to build your self-confidence things should improve because you would be placing less importance upon what other people think and more importance on being a person you are proud to be.

I suspect that because of being beaten by your mother that you still bear emotional scars that you have not resolved yet. The trouble is, when people experience things that most other people don't, it sometimes sets them apart from others. People who have been hurt in some way tend to give off this... air?. feeling?. I don't know what to call it, but you probably know. It's in the soul... and it isn't something that is seen, but felt. That feeling frightens a lot of good people off.

In addition, people who have been abused tend to attract either other abused people or people who will also hurt them. That's because the "air" that I mentioned does NOT scare them. They KNOW it. It is FAMILIAR.

What has to happen is that you need to not only be aware of yourself, but find ways to prevent your deep soul from scaring off the people who can be very good friends... and learn how to protect yourself from those who have the ability to hurt you. Once you learn this, you will not only be happier, but you will have the ability to touch others... and to help them in the same way that you have been helped.

Please seek out some help to get you through this difficult stage in your life to help you move through to the next. In the meantime, do everything you can to move past your mother's abuse, the ex-boyfriend and the sadness within. Get involved with something... find something to help fulfill you emotionally. Find a way to give to others who will appreciate it. For instance, could you volunteer at a Senior Citizen's Centre or a hospital as a Candy Striper or anything like that? Usually when we immerse ourselves in helping others our problems tend to take a back seat and we gain a lot of happiness.

The good news is this... people like you usually DO find happiness. I believe that you WILL find your special reason for living and it will fulfill you as well as bringing happiness to others. It will take hard work, living experiences and some help from people who understand. So... please search out your happiness and the help you need to achieve it. It's there... it really is. I promise!

Hugs, Didi

No, I haven't been diagnosed with agoraphobia but since I was young I started shaking and losing control when I am in a choir or in a car and I used to feel odd as nobody does that. Recently I searched the internet and I found what it is. I have never gone for help as I am not close with my mother and I don't want to tell her. I do voluntary work, it helps you a bit but at the end of the day I am always finding myself crying for at least an hour before I sleep. I am 17 by the way :(

The Internet is a great tool, but doesn't replace the RIGHT help and guidance by a professional. Self diagnosis, and self medication, can lead you away from that RIGHT kind of help you need.

See a professional, for the RIGHT kind of help for YOU. At least talk to a school counselor, or TRUSTED RESPONSIBLE adult.

I know but I just don't want to start being called mental as well :(

A professional would not call you mental. A professional keeps every apponitment confidential.

When do you turn 18 so that you have more control over your life? Maybe someone else can help, but I'm just wondering if you need parental or guardian approval to go see a professional because you are under 18.

Where do you live in the world? It might be easier for us to help do some research for a professional so that you have someone to contact.

I have 8 months more to turn 18 :( yes that's why I don't go to the doctor as you need to tell you mum or they have the right to tell her if you are under 18. I won't say here because I don't want anybody to realize who I am as some of my old friends used this site too

I hear you when you say that you don't want to be called mental, but even IF that was the case, who would know? It sounds like YOU would label yourself that way and NOTHING could be further from the truth! There are times in all of our lives that we need support, advice and guidance from someone they can trust. At times we may even need medication to help us through it. Sometimes your help comes from a therapist or counsellor, sometimes from a doctor and other times it's a family member or friend. I want to be clear here... having bouts of anxiety or periods of depression don't make you 'crazy'!
Some very famous and highly respected people have suffered from mood or even other disorders that you (or others) might label as being "crazy". Here are some that you have probably have heard of: Princess Diana, Mel Gibson, Richard Dreyfuss, Robert Munsch, Jim Carey, Harrison Ford, Abraham Lincoln, Brooke Shields, Florence Nightingale, Drew Carey, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Catherine Zeta-Jones to name a few. I guess the best way to think of it is that sometimes people get the help they need and can go on to live a very normal, fulfilled and happy life and others don't have a proper diagnosis, the proper medication or support and those are the ones that can end up like Kurt Cobain.

As you might understand, proper diagnosis is important. You may have emotional issues that can be resolved very quickly with a good therapist. You may have some physical problems that cause the symptoms you have and without a proper early diagnosis and treatment might get so serious they become permanent... or even fatal. The fact is, with proper diagnosis you are half way there to leading a 'normal' life. If you add appropriate treatment, whether that is medication or counselling or a combination, you have a 99.9% chance of having everything you dream of. A lot of emotional and/or mental problems are actually physically based. It would be such a shame for you to go through life being so anxious or depressed when all this time you could be happy and accepted.
For instance, if you are agoraphobic and receive the appropriate therapy you can be symptom-free in only 2 to 10 sessions. A lot of people with anxiety disorders only need the meds when they are anxious. People who suffer from extreme depression can live totally symptom free lives by ensuring that they take their medication every day. You don't even know if you suffer from one of these problems. You may just need to have an outlet to express your feelings! Please be strong enough to seek the help you need. At 17 you still have so much to experience and learn. I can tell that you are bright and I have a gut feeling that you have a lot to offer this world in the years to come. The longer you wait to seek help the more of a great life you will miss out on.
I raised a child who had been physically, mentally and sexually abused by her parents. My last husband and I took her in when she was 4. It took her a long time to get healthy again, but she made it with the help of professionals and our support. Then, when she was 11 my husband became very ill and died. My daughter suffered so deeply after that. By the time she was 15 she exhibited signs of every mental illness and it took a long time for her to accept the help she needed. She ALMOST was put into a mental health facility where she probably would have stayed the rest of her life. However, I pushed her to seek the help and she finally did.

As it turned out, she suffers from an Attachment Disorder which she has due to the abuse and lack of appropriate physical and emotional attachments with her parents the first 4 years of her life. With the right treatment, support and understanding she began to enjoy life again. She is now 20 years old. She lives in her own apartment, does volunteer work with teens, works and has been in a 2 year relationship with boyfriend and is planning on getting married. I have no doubt in my mind that she would be dead now had she not been properly diagnosed when she was.
The first 4 years of her life were filled with abuse. The next 4 or 5 years were spent healing and learning how to trust, then she lived a few years filled with happiness, dreams and hope. Sadly, the regression she suffered after her "Dad" died put her back further than anyone could imagine. Between the ages of 11 and 17 she tried to kill herself, she took drugs and drank to erase the pain, she became promiscuous, she tried cutting herself, she became a compulsive liar and pretended she was someone that she wasn't to the point that even SHE didn't know who she was anymore. She was placed into treatment centres and hospitals because she became dangerous to herself and others. She began to hate herself because of all the problems she caused. She was put on over 30 different medications to try to 'cure' her - mostly because she lied about her symptoms and a lot of other stuff.

Eventually, they listened to me and made sure she started to get the appropriate treatment. They took her off all the medications slowly so that it didn't have a negative affect on her. She started to deal with her problems appropriately and became happier. She still has a way to go, but she is almost there. She volunteers with other teens who were afraid to get the help that they needed and feels she is making a difference. She even went to court and received financial compensation for the abuse she suffered from her birth parents when she was young... and she did this all on her own!
I rarely share this story with anyone, so for me to post it on a public forum like this I hope you know that I am being honest with you and feel very strongly about what I have said to you. My adopted daughter's life was a very tragic one that has turned around 100%. If she could do it then I KNOW that you can do the same thing with yours. I also know that it will be worth all that you might have to do and go through to get there.

Look, you already feel that you hate your life, that you are distanced from others and don't fit in, that you are agoraphobic and don't fit in. What do you really have to lose by seeking the help that so many of us here are encouraging you to get? You can't sleep... that plays with your mind and emotions. You have recently suffered from a broken heart... that can throw your mind and heart into a mess. Now you are struggling at school which isn't like you. You say you can't go to a doctor without your mom knowing... so go to the guidance office if you have one or somewhere else for help. Check your phone book for a Kid's Help Line. If you don't know where to go, give us a rough idea where you live and we'll refer you to the appropriate resources.

We believe in you. We accept you. We are trying to help you. Accept our caring and do your part... okay?

Love & hugs, Didi

I feel like I don't know myself anymore too :( I don't know what I am going to do with my life :( I feel like staying inside all the time and I don't want to go out because I feel that I will be laughed at :( What do you mean by physical problems? Thanks I REALLY appreciate but the difference is that she had you to support her, I have no one :(

Building confidence takes time and one step at the time. Expressing your feelings here is a great first step. At least you're acknowledging that you want to get some help. I understand that you want to keep things as anonymous as possible, so we'll do our best here.

I'll turn this on you. What do YOU think that you can do to build your confidence?

Wow this is a great answer and you helped me as well! Thank you for taking the time and energy to share your wisdom.

I know that your mother was abusive in the past but are you sure she doesn't want to or can't be there for you now? Have you tried talking with her? I agree that you should try to find a therapist either way that you feel comfortable talking with. Sometimes it takes a while and you may not find the right one at first but it would be good to have someone to talk to in person about your experiences and feelings. It might even safe your life. If you didn't at least partly want to be alive you would be dead right now so now is the hard part, getting yourself some help. It doesn't mean you're crazy. I believe most people should be in therapy. It's hard just being alive even for people who haven't been abused. As far as your ex goes- You will find someone new and better than this last boyfriend. What kind of person breaks up with someone over the phone anyway? Does he live too far from you to talk to you in person? I don't know much about your relationship with him but that is a very cowardly way to break up with someone. I would only do that if I were afraid of being hurt physically by the person I was breaking up with or if I just lived too far from them I couldn't see them in person. Most decent people wouldn't just do that. There have been a few times I thought I had found the love of my life and then lost them for one reason or another (my choice or theirs). I wanted to die too. I'm glad I stayed alive though because I would never have experienced all the great times I've had. I'm just saying there is so much joy for you to have in this life, you just have to hang on and keep living. Try to do things that give you a sense of peace. Find something- anything that gives you some hope and hold on to that hope and try to do what it takes to live the life you want. You will feel good again, just don't give up on hope.

I don't know I am trying to go out to the beach and stuff to get myself back up. As regards Lilymoonstorm, I think she does want but I don't want to talk to her, I just don't trust her and can't forgive her fully of what she has done and got me through. He lives one hour by bus far away from me, I think that isn't quite a long distance + he sees me at school but always made fun of me when I tried to talk to him. He used to hit me as well :(

She just said I should die so that she could get a break from me just because I made a fuss for her to kill a cockroach as I am really afraid of them :( I don't know what I have wronggggggggggg :(

I wish there was a an on/off switch for saying the wrong things that appeared when people become parents. What your mother said to you must be very hurtful. She probably could use some therapy too. I am so glad I don't live with my mother anymore. It was a nightmare as she was abusive to me too. Not all mothers are like that. Try to be different than she is. Life will be better for you when you aren't living with abusive people. Again, the ex sounds mean and thoughtless. Making fun of you, hitting you and breaking up with you over the phone. Not all guys are like that. You can find a better one who you will be happier with. You don't deserve that bad treatment. No one does. In my opinion what you need to do right now is to try to find find a therapist. Keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings. Do nice things for yourself. Say nice things to yourself. Try to find a job (if you don't already have one). Save up some money and find a new place to live. Your mom's bad treatment of you is only going to drag you down and make you hate yourself and your lie worse. There is no need for that.

I think the first thing you need to do is look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are beautiful and you love yourself no matter if other people love you or not I understand no one wants to be alone but Ur not ready to love anyone god is trying to help you love you even when everyone is trying to pull and beat you down you stand up and you hold Ur head up and you love you you wake up everyday and thank god because your still here and you have to want to be here you don't know what's going to happen tomorrow... just love you sweetie it starts there