Threads merged again

Right so me and my boyfriend have been in a long distance relationship for 9 going to 10 months now. I'm 21 and he's 24. I've recently asked him for space because I just don't know if I want to be with him anymore. I've had a think about everything and came up with this list. Can the negative ones be dealt with or shall I just break up with him and move on? Thanks

PRO
He's loving, sweet, not controlling, good looking, his family likes me and vice versa, he doesn't drink, smoke nor go out clubbing or partying loads, he takes care of me i.e buy me things.

BUT

CONS
He doesn't know what he want in life/want to do with his life, I barely see him (sometimes once in 3 weeks & we both drive and only live 45 minutes away), He so quiet and secretive that I know literally nothing about him. If you asked me what his ex was called, I wouldn't know. I asked but he said he doesn't like talking about his past because it's all in the past. We've spoken on the phone twice since we got together because he doesn't like it, we never use msn chat or email or anything, we spoke on skype once in almost 10 months. Just texts. He wouldn't mention me to any of his workmates or anything. I told him to change his relationship status on fb he said no. He has no friends. Zero, zilch, none! He act with me like strangers when am at his place to the extent his sister had to ask him if we are serious about each other but when we're alone he can't get enough of me? I found a place near him and wanted to move and he told me not to because it was going to take him time to get to the place after work etc and it won't make much difference to living where I am now in terms of distance.. I later found out he works 15 minutes away from where I was going to move to. Which brings me back to, I know nothing about him! I didn't even know where he worked!

What would you do in my shoes? He's a nice guy but all the cons? I don't want to change him. So either I accept him for what he is or go find someone that would better suit me but I can't seem to decide thanks

Regardless that it is long distance, there is far too much unknown about this guy for having been in a relationship for 9 or 10 months.

It doesn't sound as though he really has his heart in it. Too many secrets, he doesn't want to acknowledge you, he doesn't want you any closer to be able to spend more time together... too many red flags.

He may be a nice guy, but there are plenty of nice guys who will actually want to spend time with you and put forth the effort to do so. I'd move on.

I don't understand how you can call this a relationship.
10 months and 2 phone calls , 1 skype,
He will not mention you to his friends , and doesn't want you to move closer.

But when he is with you ( once every three weeks) he is all over you.

This sounds like you are being used as a sideline to a steady girl or he is still married.
An interested person who is serious about a relationship does not act like this.

I suggest you do some digging into what really is going on with him, nothing about this sounds right.

I'm sorry,but he's not in a relationship with you as he can't be bothered sharing what's going on in his life and,as he doesn't acknowledge you as his girlfriend.

Time to move on.

Originally Posted by DoulaLC
Regardless that it is long distance, there is far too much unknown about this guy for having been in a relationship for 9 or 10 months.

It doesn't sound as though he really has his heart in it. Too many secrets, he doesn't want to acknowledge you, he doesn't want you any closer to be able to spend more time together... too many red flags.

He may be a nice guy, but there are plenty of nice guys who will actually want to spend time with you and put forth the effort to do so. I'd move on.

I know! That is what I thought. Or else he was gay or something prior to meeting me, why would you not want to tell me something as simple as who your last girlfriend or any girlfriend was for that matter. Its not just that alone. I don't know anything else about him. Trouble is, he doesn't see it as a problem. And I'm starting to feel like a right cow because I'm forever moaning about tell me more things, spend more time with me etc do I even need to beg him for that. He tell me he loves me and want to be with me but his actions says something completely different

Thanks people, I know right, yet am the one feeling guilty about things and I'm thinking I've slowly become a ***** because am forever telling him what to do and he doesn't see a problem with things..

Oh and this might be completely irrelevant but his dad asked me to go to the game with them and he said 'no' on my behalf. And then he told me, my dad wanted you to go to the football match with us but I told him you said no. And his dad was like, I asked you to come to the game but you wouldn't come and all I could do was smile and look a complete and utter fool!

Actions always speak louder than words.

Does he act like a boyfriend?

No.

If you aren't happy with how things are, and you don't think it is going to change, then it is time to make a decision.

Stay, with the way it is, or perhaps leave it on good terms. You could tell him that you think he is a great guy, but that you have decided that you need more from a relationship then the current situation allows.

He will either try to talk you out of it... and step up to give more effort, or he will agree with you to end it, and then you will no longer be left wondering what his feelings are.

Does anyone know why there would be someone who just live in their own little world and doesn't talk to people or anything and have zero friends. I didn't think anyone existed with not even one friend at least? I think there are some underlying issues but he doesn't even talk to me so I can't help

We can only really help ourselves,so don't make the mistake of trying to 'save' him-it doesn't work that way.

Some people are not very social or outgoing. It is simply their personality; perhaps that is the case with him. He may be perfectly content with spending time with his family and those he interacts with while at work. He may also spend time online with people he has met through different groups or games.

If he is happy with it, then there is nothing to help with. Best not to assume that he needs help.

If you enjoy what time you do have with him, continue to see him once in awhile, but that doesn't mean he has to be the only one you spend time with. Certainly be sure that he is aware if you decide it might be best to be able to get to know others as well.

Nooo he's strange with his family as well. He doesn't talk much at home either. But he does play a lot of video games. He doesn't do Facebook or anything so don't know where he can meet friends and he hates his workplace because he doesn't get on with half of the people there... I don't know

I guess the first thing I want to bring up is... 45 minutes is not a long distance relationship. I am 1400 miles from the guy I love and we have more of a relationship that what you mentioned! Can I ask who defined it as a long distance relationship?

Second of all a guy who is really into you will want to introduce you to everyone and will not be afraid to show that he loves being with you. He wants to brag about you; not hide you!

Finally the reason I added a comment to your comment... if you feel like you are becoming ***** then it doesn't matter how many pros he has, he is making you doubt yourself. You deserve more than that! You need to add that last comment to your cons:
(I) am the one feeling guilty about things and I'm thinking I've slowly become a ***** because am forever telling him what to do and he doesn't see a problem with things..

A good man will make you feel like an amazing woman!


Originally Posted by DoulaLC
If you aren't happy with how things are, and you don't think it is going to change, then it is time to make a decision.

Stay, with the way it is, or perhaps leave it on good terms. You could tell him that you think he is a great guy, but that you have decided that you need more from a relationship then the current situation allows.

He will either try to talk you out of it... and step up to give more effort, or he will agree with you to end it, and then you will no longer be left wondering what his feelings are.

Ha ha tell him you're not sure you can deal with the long distance relationship anymore. That is a good reason. When he doesn't do anything, then you know there are better guys out there who will fight for you.

I am sorry I am adding so many comments to your wall.

If he is not opening up to you, then don't let it control your life. If you were his counselor then you should be worried about it, but you are his girlfriend. If you are talking to his family, and they have not said anything, he probably doesn't have an alternate life. He may have other girls he is going out with, but all and all you should go for a guy who will let you in on his world so that you can share it with him.

Here is an idea: why don't you dedicate some time to get to one a person before you decide to start a relationship with him. This wouldn't be a problem if you knew from the beginning how cold he was going to be with you. Now, you are stuck between breaking up with him or not. Yeah, if information about him is what you want to be happy in this particular relationship, and he is not wanting to be open about anything, then break up with him. He doesn't just TREAT you like a complete stranger... you ARE one.

Good Luck,
Javi

Threads merged, and edited


I decided not to break up with my boyfriend at that point. So we booked a holiday to get over things. Mind you this holiday I organised everything i.e searched for it (which took me days by the way), paid the booking fee, told him his share of how much was left etc... Anyway, trains were proving difficult and I asked him to help a bit. He looked for an hour and said he's fed up, we argued and he made snide comment like 'yeah I'm tired of looking it's probably cheaper going to the moon'.

I felt bad because I've organised the whole thing and all I needed was a little help because I had job interviews. After making that comment,I let him be. I then decided we should go on a break because we were arguing a lot and he was making too many hurtful comments whenever we argued. I said to give it 3 weeks. He tried talking me out of it but I said no. I stood my ground. He then text me hours later saying he wanted his share of the money paid for the holiday. I told him politely it had been booked and can't be cancelled. He said 'why did you book it when you knew we were having troubles'. I explained again that I had booked it way before and we were obviously looking for trains only because I'd booked it and I text you straight after I booked it.

He then goes 'I couldn't care less if you threw the money in the bin, I want my money back so you better cancel the holiday' so I got angry and said 'don't talk to me like that, what is wrong with you. I didn't force you to pay the money. I'll ask the woman if she gives me money back, I'll give it to you but if not.. tough' and he said 'I need proof that you have booked it and its all paid up.. just to check you haven't robbed me'. That's when I got angry, I'm 21 and not ever in my life have I ever been accused of stealing. So I got angry and broke up with him.

Now he's begging me and saying he's wrong etc... I just want an outsider's point of view that I have done the right thing by breaking up with him... Thank you and sorry about the essay

In good faith, you should have repaid him the money. It sounds like this holiday was fated to be a disaster, a failure, from the get-go.

I already sent him the money by the way but why should I repay him? He agreed to this holiday as much as I did?

And is that enough reason to insinuate I'm a thief? I sent him all proof as well by the way

and is that enough reason to insinuate i'm a thief? I sent him all proof as well by the way
No one is insinuating you're a thief. I think it is the mark of a loving and rational person to admit that "the plans didn't go as hoped, so, with all my love, I'm paying your share back to you."

But I already paid for the holiday. He paid his share, I paid my share.. The holiday was both our ideas.. More his than mine actually. So I'm not really getting why I should pay him back. Who pays me back?

But I already paid for the holiday. He paid his share, I paid my share.. The holiday was both our ideas.. More his than mine actually. So I'm not really getting why I should pay him back. Who pays me back?


I then decided we should go on a break because we were arguing a lot and he was making too many hurtful comments whenever we argued. I said to give it 3 weeks. He tried talking me out of it but I said no. I stood my ground. He then text me hours later saying he wanted his share of the money paid for the holiday.

Then you are an even kinder and more rational person than could be expected, since you not only paid him back but included documentation.

Sometimes you just have to suck it up, learn from it, and plan better next time.

Hi there,
If you've helped in the past then you will basically know my story. So, I've decided to grow some balls and end it with the selfish, big kid guy I was with who was basically putting 0 effort into the relationship. It's been over 10 days now and I'm happy being single. Problem is, he's not! And he's just been begging me to get back with him and all sorts. I most definitely do not want to get back with him because I sincerely believe nothing is ever going to change (that was our 3rd attempt). I don't want to change him and I realise its either I take him for who he is or move on and find what I want. So I left him. When he texts me, I am too nice not to reply to his texts but I DO NOT in any way egg him on. I'm just the kind of person who do not know how to say no to hurt people's feelings. I have told him I only want us to be friends and that I do not love him anymore. But he seem deluded. He said he thinks I still like him in a way and that he's just going to keep trying to get me back. I have told him in every way possible. I really want to stay friends with him because I think he would a better friend than boyfriend. How do I tell him to back off without hurting his feelings? And staying just friends with him? Thanks

As things stand,you can't be friends-so man up(pardon the pun) and tell him to stop it with the texting etc.

Then go no contact-as in no replying to texts-delete them without reading them-no phonecalls etc.

I have told him I only want us to be friends and that I do not love him anymore. But he seem deluded. He said he thinks I still like him in a way and that he's just gonna keep trying to get me back. I have told him in every way possible. I really wanna stay friends with him because I think he would a better friend than bf. How do I tell him to back off without hurting his feelings? and staying just friends with him?

I advise you to make a clean break for right now -- no answering his texts or talking to him by phone or in person. This doesn't mean you will never talk with him in the future or be his friend, but, for his sake, since he can't seem to get past his infatuation with you, you are going to have to be the stronger and smarter one. Don't tell him this, because he won't agree, but he needs time to heal and get on with his life before you two can ever be friends.

Make a clean break for now. You can do it.

When you make the decision to break up with someone you do NOT try to keep them in your life as a friend, because you both need time to let the emotional dust settle, and have a proper healing.

Make this a clean break, and leave each other alone for a while, so you both can breath and accept this relationship is over, and not have false hope that two incompatible types of people should try again.

If you become friends later, then fine, but it sure won't happen now, but trying to stay friends will make it worse, for you both.