My boyfriend of 3 years just left me for another girl. We were in a live-in relationship and we did everything together. I never suspected anything until one weekend when he wasn't answering his phone. And when I asked him why he was acting so strange, he told me some story of how he had just found out that one of his ex-girlfriends had his baby and he was in a dilemma. I bought that but that night, I found out that it was a lie. I even spoke to the other girl. Then when I asked him about it again, he said that he used to really really love her 5 years back and they only grew apart because he moved here, where he met me. And now that the girl had moved here too, he wanted to be with her. That really broke my heart because he was everything to me. But I kind of accepted it.

Then this other girl tells me that she doesn't really love him and for me to take him back because she broke up with him. But I find that she didn't really break up with him and she couldn't really let him go because she kept calling him and talking to him anyway. So I decided to leave both of them alone and not talk to either of them. But then my boyfriend (or should I call him my ex-boyfriend?) comes to see me and tells me that he can't really forget me or leave me and he misses me everyday. He loves the other girl too! I asked him to make up his mind and choose but he says that I don't understand and that it's not so easy. I frankly don't understand. He is asking me for some time and tells me that everything will be all right and that I shouldn't lose hope. I told him that I would leave him alone, if that makes his decision easier to make. He has come to see every weekend and he spends the nights as well, even after he left me for her. I know I shouldn't have let him in but I just missed him so much and it felt so good to be with him. But I wasn't really happy because I know she's still there.

So, I'm so confused right now.. I feel so hopeless and so used. I feel he's taking advantage of me because he knows how much I love him. At the same time, I still have some hope because of what he said to me. But, I also know how much he loves this other girl and I don't see him leaving her. That is so confusing to me. And I don't understand him at all. Why can't he just choose one of us?

Make the choice for him-tell him to p**s off-he's using and abusing you-find the selfrespect to dump this waste of space.

I think you already have a pretty good idea that he doesn't let go of past relationships. Therefore, he doesn't heal and more forward. Instead he keeps trying to hold on to everyone and that is not healthy.

He lied to you and was apparently cheating on you and now on her (emotionally as well as physically.) Is that really what you want in a relationship?

Quite frankly, I don't think you will ever again trust where you stand with him. You may love him, however, that does not mean you are meant to be with him. It may seem very hard right now to leave him behind, but it is probably your best option.

Give yourself permission and the tools you need to heal and live your life. Someday, when you are ready, you will meet someone who isn't tending a bonfire for a previous relationship.

You deserve someone who knows he loves you and the past is the past. Give yourself a chance to find that love and build a future on a strong and stable foundation of trust.

To be blunt, he is cheating on you both, and just because she is okay with it, you should NOT be!

Nothing confusing about it, you just don't want to let the lying cheater go. BUT YOU HAVE TO, just to keep your own dignity, and self respect.

When you allow BAD behavior, you will surely get it! But you already know this, so do something about it!! You have the facts, so ignore the feelings until you handle your business. That's not confusing at all!

Thanks for all your answers! I knew all that in my head.. It's just hard telling my heart about it and so hard to move on.. I was and still am just confused about his confusion and why he is finding it hard to let go of either one of us.

Anyway, I believe it's best for me to move on, though that is so hard because I'm the kind of person who takes my relationships seriously and commit to them completely... If he comes back, I'll decide whether to take him back or not... It's going to be so hard for me to trust him again.. Let's see where it all goes..

I'm back again.. Writing here helps me.. I just miss him so much and it's so hard.. I wish he would come back to me but again when I think of it, I don't know if I would ever be able to trust him but I just love him so much. I'm so torn.. I want to call him everyday and hear his voice.. We used to work together but he has recently got a new job and it's so hard for me because I see all these people at work who keep asking me about him.

He hasn't called me since the weekend he came over and I haven't called him either but I wish he would call so at least I know he thinks of me.. I wouldn't answer the phone even if he called though but it would be nice.

Gawd, I miss him so much.. at work, at home, even when I'm with friends.. I just feel so down.. Please help me get through this time.. Also, do you think he'll ever come back to me? I still feel I need to move on but I still have all these questions.. It's been almost a month since we broke up but the hurt is still all raw and I try to keep busy but he's always in my thoughts, no matter what! Help, please

You need a plan to deal with those emotions, but we all go through the same thing when we make changes of the heart. Yeah it sucks.

Have you tried exploring new hobbies or taking a continuing education class to help steer your thoughts into new directions? Sometimes making minor changes in how you do things like get to work or do the dishes can have a major impact on helping you out of a mental rut. If you have to think about what you are doing it usually helps keep the mind from going into auto-pilot mode.

As for emotions, they will take time to fade. You spent three years developing them so they won't go away over night. They will lessen and become fond memories if you allow them to.

If you have any keepsakes, pictures, etc. still out and in sight or where you see them all the time, you should put them away. Changing what you listen to and seeing favorite movies with other people can also help develop new memories to take the edge off the old ones.

Good luck.

Thanks for the suggestions. It's easy enough to keep myself busy at work but the thoughts don't stay out. I've been playing ping pong and reading books but again he's always on my mind. I do have some pictures of him but I don't look at them.. Even the ones in the open are hardly seen. I keep a journal and that helps some.. It's just the sleeping that is becoming so difficult. I can go to sleep these days but all I get are dreams of him which wake me up and then I have trouble sleeping again. I'd love to be able to sleep soundly again like I used to when we were together...

When I am stressed or upset, my sleep is also affected. I always assume it is my mind trying to work through the problem. This thread will give you several ideas to help you sleep better.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/mental-emotional-health/how-can-sleep-without-mind-thinking-million-things-539072.html

Thanks.. I'll try your techniques

Good luck and take care.

To be blunt, why would be choose just one of you when both of you seem to be okay with his bed-hopping and lies. If you keep sleeping with him, why would be even make the choice to stop. He is a pig and a user, and he will keep using you as long as you let him. Please pack up what is left of your dignity and self-respect and leave him, or he will continue to treat you exactly how you let him. You need to take some time to heal, and maybe to seek counseling to find out why you even want this relationship. In the mean time, run like hell, and stay away from him.