Hi :)

I'm Elle, I'm a 25 year old lesbian from the UK. My ex-girlfriend Susie is 42. We would have been celebrating a year together in June but she finished it 2 days ago. It wasn't unexpected. Things were going great until about 3 weeks ago when I gave her a gift for Easter. I don't know what happened but it was like I'd done something really dreadful. I could feel it from her, she went quiet and was painfully difficult to talk to. It made me uncomfortable and feeling like I'd gone too far by buying her a gift.

We usually only spend weekends together due to work commitments (her idea, not mine) and when I saw her next she told me she could only spend one night with me that weekend because she felt stressed with work, a house move, her dog etc etc and she felt like she needed time to get her head together. I agreed because the atmosphere between us ever since Easter was really uncomfortable. We briefly discussed breaking up because she said she was struggling with the 17 year age gap but we decided not to. She said she felt like she couldn't 'give' to the relationship properly because she always felt like it would end one day because of the age gap but that she would try to work on it.

We had one more uncomfortable weekend together which was the last time I saw her. She was marginally affectionate towards me and if I'm honest, I wasn't that affectionate with her because I felt uncertain about where she was at so I didn't want to crowd her. That was the last time we saw each other because of her work commitments and me finishing up my degree so we didn't see each other for the past two weekends which has never happened before. In some ways, having a break from her was a relief but I was anxious about how she was feeling and anticipating a break-up, especially when she started to sign off text messages with 'take care' instead of 'hugs' or whatever. I got a bit pissed off with it and resigned myself to the fact that she was going to break it off.

Two days ago that's exactly what she did. She called and asked if I wanted to meet up with her on a Sunday which was totally out of character so I was immediately suspicious. I asked what she wanted to do and she said she wanted to discuss breaking up. I said it wasn't unexpected and that I was just sorry she'd got there first. I told her I didn't want to see her, told her to throw away anything of mine she had at her house and not to worry about a sum of money that she owed me. She said she wanted to be friends but I said I didn't know if I could handle that. She said she would wait for me to get in touch with her and I put the phone down.

I dealt with it in this way because we broke up once before just before Christmas. It really hit me hard, I was so hurt I thought my world had caved in and I was desperate to get her back. I made the mistake of crying and showing her how upset I was. However, I didn't beg, plead and leave a million voice-mails or e-mails. I just cut contact and within a week she was asking if she could meet me for lunch. I refused and within a week of that she was asking me for dinner. After 3 weeks we finally met up and ended up sleeping together which was probably a mistake because she said she still didn't want to get back together. A week later though she changed her mind and we did reconcile.

This time I didn't cry and certainly didn't beg. I remained calm and somewhat clinical and made it clear to her that I didn't want to see or speak to her. I have deleted her number and have no intention of contacting her at all. My plan of action is to wait for her to text me first. However I think it might take longer for her to get in touch this time. I think I could be looking at weeks or months before I get a text. I'm cool with that, I can wait, but I want some advice to make sure I'm doing the right thing.


Perhaps the biggest mistake I made in our relationship was being too much of a pushover. I allowed her to walk all over me and call all the shots. She even asked me to buck up a bit because I didn't challenge her. The thing is, the sort of 'challenge' she's looking for isn't in my nature. I don't like to treat people mean to keep them keen. I like to express my love and affection in nicer ways. In the end I ended up letting her have total control while I was pretty powerless because I'd given so much away.

What I'm hoping to do with the no contact rule this time is show her that I'm not so 'available' any more. I want to create an air of mystery and re-ignite the thrill of the chase. I know my chances of success a second time are pretty slim, but I feel stronger and more able to stand up for myself and call some shots this time around. And if it doesn't help to get her back then at least I'm making life easier for myself in the mean time by not prolonging the healing process.

There's just one thing that I'm not sure about. I was a bit thrown when she said 'I'll wait for you to get in touch with me'. What does that mean? That she wants me to get in touch with her or not?

Also, I'm unsure about how long to leave no contact. I feel like if I left it too long, say 2-3 months, then the plan would back fire and she would just move on. How long should I give her to miss me and text me before I need to worry that I've left it too long bearing in mind she said she would wait for me?

Arrghh! Any advice would be hugely appreciated. Thank you.

What I'm hoping to do with the no contact rule this time is show her that I'm not so 'available' any more. I want to create an air of mystery and re-ignite the thrill of the chase.
That is NOT the purpose of No Contact. It is NOT a fun way to play games with someone's (and your own) emotions.

Do No Contact the right way, or don't do it at all -- and continue riding on your emotional roller coaster.

NO contact is not a way to make her want you, to be mysterious. No contact is a way to learn to do without them, get over them and move on.

You don't answer any of the telephone calls, erase and do not listen to any voice mails. Don't open any text or email, just delete them without listening or reading. And don't call them or talk to them.

Do that and you are in real no contact.

I just don't want to beg and plead and push her even further away. I want to demonstrate some independence and let her come back to me in her own time. Meanwhile I can be focusing on other things like my degree etc.

When she said she would leave it up to me to get in touch with her it was like she expected me to be there like a little yapping puppy. I'm not going to do that, I feel like I'd be sacrificing my own self-respect, and I need to demonstrate that I'm not there to give in to her every whim. Probably more to myself than her actually, perhaps I already lost enough self-respect as it is :/

Whatever the outcome I still think no contact is the best way forward.

Good luck, you have not accepted the fact you will be moving on, so you will have a hard time with NC, since you will always want to listen to the voice mail or read that email, to see if it is that message wanting you back.

Also NC, you take them off your friends on Facebook and stop following what they are doing

OK so what I'm planning to do is not NC in it's truest form?

I'm confused because I've read on a few 'get your ex back' sites that NC was the way to do it. Perhaps that's wrong, I don't know, there's so much conflicting advice out there. I don't absolutely know if I do want her back if I'm honest. I feel like I just need time to think and avoid doing what she expects me to do, which is fuss around her and text her all the time. And then see what happens.

Fortunately she's not on Facebook or anything like that. If she was, she'd be long gone from my friend's list.

OK so what I'm planning to do is not NC in it's truest form?
No, not at all. You'd be playing games.

Read the stickies on the Relationship board (on this site).

What you said about Facebook and 'following' them has got me thinking.

I'm not actually interested in following what she's doing. I would genuinely rather not know if she's having issues at work or if she's seeing someone else or if the dog has died. I only want to know anything about her if and when she changes her mind and gets over this age-gap issue that she has so that we can get somewhere. If not then I don't want her in my life at all.

Part of me feels like that's really awful because she wanted to be friends. But I know I absolutely can't do that. It's all or nothing, which sounds really demanding, but I couldn't do the friends thing or keep having general updates about what she's getting up to if there is no future together.

Ok thanks.