Okay never thought I'd do this, but hey here I am!

My girlfriend broke up with me after 4.5 years and I'm really heartbroken.
She told me she has doubts about our future, even though she told me 2 days ago that she loves me so much, want to live together and be with me forever! BAM! 4 days later and she's like I've doubts about the future. I don't know what to do. You should give me some time. I really love you so much and I really miss you like crazy. But you need to give me some time, maybe we could be together in the future.

This was 5 days ago. We've spoken to each other many times still. We even kissed one day! Short little kiss, but we enjoyed it. We even held a powernap together, holding hands and giving each other kisses on the cheeks. And she loved it! But she refuses to come back with me. So I probably should go NC, but I find it really hard to do!

I don't know why but I always end up calling her (I've read the stickies about NC). We cry together, she tells me she loves me but don't want to be with me AT THE MOMENT.

I went out yesterday and guess what, she was there too! We gave each other a great hug and we both loved it. Our eyes glinted and she said I love you so much. Then I had to go, cause we were both out with friends and couldn't stand together all freaking night.

Now when I read what I've written I know what to do. Probably go NC. But I really wanted to tell my story to the people on here and I hope you could give me some advice (about being strong and that everything would be all right. I know it sounds stupid but I'm really down and out

Thanks in advance, and sorry for my bad English lol!

You should give her time... I know how it feels... even my boyfriend is always busy with his job... it hurts a lot... you should understand her problems and feelings... just talk to her and try to sort out evrything... she loves you and I am sure about it...

Yes, go NC -- not to get her back, but for you to heal and be able to move forward (and not keep spinning your wheels). We want YOU to be the best you can be. And we'll be here if you need someone to talk to.

Thank you for making me feel so at home right from the beginning and the fast reactions :)
It is just so hard to go NC. We met when we were 15 and became great friends. When we were 16 we started dating and we were in a relationship. Although we had our ups and downs, which I think is normal at that age, we really loved each other. We really had a great time and we were the first for each other in almost everything. First time on vacation w/o parents, first time on a city trip, first sexual experience. Really almost everything and that makes it so hard. Everywhere I go we've been together and then I miss her like crazy.

What makes it even harder is that I am a 100% certain that we should be together and she's not a 100% certain that we don't belong together. She's just in doubt. I just wish there was some way to get her back. 4.5 years is just too much to let go of, especially after what we've been through. We went through a lot and every time we fought for each other and our relationship was much stronger than the beginning. And now it seems like she's just giving up.

From today I'll start with NC, hope you all can help me to keep me from calling her. Again thank you for listening to my story.

From today I"ll start with NC, hope you all can help me to keep me from calling her. Again thank you for listening to my story.
I wish you the best.

I understand about all the time the two of you have had together and how much you miss her. I was with a guy for six years (age 15-21), and then we broke up because of circumstances beyond our control.

Stay busy with school and other interests. You will help yourself to continue to be the interesting person you are and won't end up in a weepy puddle of self-made misery.

And we're always looking for help here on this site, for the Teen and Relationship boards especially. You have a good way of writing and thinking, so I hope to see more of you.

Thanks a lot. It's just so hard not to call her. Even when I call her she is so sweet for me. She tries to cheer me up, make me laugh and she just helps me from totally breaking down. I'm just in denial mode. I don't understand it. Off all the hard times we've had this one wasn't so bad. Actually I was totally optimistic about the future, that's why it hits me so hard.

I'm trying to do something all the time. Going to the gym, for a walk, going out with friends but it just don't make me happy at this point. I just want to be with her. Tomorrow I'll try to pick up my schoolwork again. And maybe later this week I'll start working again, I just can't do this at the moment. Also tomorrow my best friend will be gone for the until Friday and I just don't know how to survive the week.

What's also hard for me is that when she's going out and when she has an opportunity to dance and/or kiss with a guy she would do it. She just said that to me She's not going only to kiss with some guy. She just wants to have fun and when there is a guy she likes (for the night) she won't reject him. I just can't believe that. 4.5 years together and only after 5 days there's a possibility that she will make out with a total stranger. Is this just really weird or am I the only one who find this a bit strange, actually totally disrespectful.

Will keep you up to date because writing this really helps me out! :)

She just wants to have fun and when there is a guy she likes (for the night) she wont reject him
You've "monopolized" a lot of her growing-up years, when she should have been out having fun with lots of guys, dating in groups and singly. Maybe that's what she trying to capture before it's too late and she's locked in a permanent relationship. In other words, she wants to sow some wild oats while she still has the chance.

Stay NC-stay busy;all the best and come back and update us.

This is a break up, a break down in the relationship, its not 'i need to think about us and the future'!

She wants to have fun and kiss other guys, but has no qualms about keeping you on a string, she's not taking responsibility for the break up, cause she keeps you hanging on with hugs and kisses and saying I love you, it's the old cliché, I love you but I'm not in love with you.

Breakups suck, and they hurt like hell, you both grew up together and had many first experience's there's a strong emotional bond there, but often young couples growing up together grow in different directions.

No doubt you learned a lot about love and being in a relationship, now is the time for learning how to cope with a broken heart comes into play.

Your doing all the right things to keep busy, but you need to give her what she wants and that's BREAK-UP, this is what she wanted, and she really needs to let you heal, drawing you back in time after time is not 'loving' you, its her not knowing how to breakup, about not knowing how to be single, she's keeping you as a 'blankie' ( a child's blanket for comfort), because she knows you and your familiar, but she's not being fair, and probably does not realise the damage she's doing to you while see sows her seeds.

Move on,the relationship is over,contacting her is just a bad habit you need to break now.

Thank you all for the replies!

Well here's an quick update. She kissed with some guy yesterday. First it hurted, but now I'm okay with it. I find it really disrespectful (am I just overreacting about this, or is it really very fast after 5 days) and maybe this was the push I needed to set me free from her. I was with her this morning and we had a great time! We just had fun and it feels like I'm over it. This evening I'll drop by to pick up some of my belongings and we go into NC.

And what you said redhed, I learned an awful lot and it will help me out in the future. Today is the first day that I feel I CAN move on. And it feels great!

Thank you all for the replies it really helps me and this won't be my last reaction on here. Because now I'm feeling OK. But I probably will need some support in the future haha. Also I want to give updates about how the NC is going, so I'll speak to you all soon.

NC starts with you disappearing from her life and getting your own. You get over it in time, and realize that what she does now isn't disrespect, just her thing.

Just as what you do is yours.

So I went to her place tonight to pick up my belongings and I saw her cellphone. I picked it up and she had about 25 text messages with that guy from the bar. About going to meet each other, he told her that he's going to make love to(in other/stronger words) her. Which she replied that he shouldn't talk like that. But after that they send even more flirty messages. It hurted like crazy to read these messages. When I told her that I read the messages she was like it's non of your business. Then later she told me she still loves me so much, still isn't over me and she's going to miss me like crazy.

I have moved on from now, the only thing that is really bothering me are those flirty messages. She's not over me, loves me so much but she CAN text flirty messages to some guy she just knows. This is the only thing that hurts atm. I have to move on so today the NC officially has started! I'll keep you updated and if you have any more info/tips for me please tell me :)

Oh man it's so hard not to call her. I called her this morning because she was very down when I left her place yesterday, I just wanted to know how she was doing. She said she was doing OK. But she didn't want to call atm. So we hung up and now I'm back here again lol.

Really the one thing that is really bothering me is the fact that she already met some guy, whom she's probably going to meet this week at his place. Actually it's not bothering me, it hurts! I know I have to move on. I actually moved on a bit, but this one guy is bothering me. I know she's only doing it to forget me. One moment I think ''screw her! I'm moving on'' and the next moment I'm like "Man, she's already meeting a new guy and going to do all crazy things with him'' She said she wouldn't go to his place, but I just don't believe it.

It just hurts with the moment and I'll get over it in time but I'm just writing it here cause I'm not really an open person in the real world and just needed to let it out a bit.

this one guy is bothering me. I know she's only doing it to forget me.
Why are you lying to yourself?

LOL, she has moved way beyond you my friend, and has for some time. Its you that are stuck and need the time to get over her.

Yeah maybe you are right. I thought this way because she still tells me how much she loves me and how much she is missing me. I'm actually over it that we are not together anymore, I find it just annoying that she's so quickly 'with' someone else.

Yeah she is indeed. I'm actually at the part that I want to be friends with her. Nothing more, nothing less. But she can't handle it right now, because she's not completely over me (that's what she said, but she probably said this just to make it not so hard for herself or something like that). I'll give myself more time and I'll keep you updated!

Again thanks for your time! :)

I find it just annoying that she's so quickly 'with' someone else.

That's because she's so quickly over you -- and has been for a while. You do know why she tells you she loves you, right?

The problem is your obsession with keeping her in your life as a friend. That will never work, because its important that you forget about forcing this friendship thing, and get your own thing to do with out her, PERIOD>

When you say you need more time, think in years and months, NOT days. Your next updates should be about building without her, not another BS conversation like the last BS conversations.

I'm actually at the part that I want to be friends with her.

There is no part like that.

To keep me around.. or to make it a little less hard for myself? Something like that?

Yes it actually is an obsession.. Just to make one thing sure I'm not forcing her to be friends with me. We both agreed that we need more time to see if that's actually possible. And yes maybe my expectations were a bit fast with just a couple of days/weeks. It's getting clear to me that that just isn't possible.

The building without her is going pretty well. I'm in the gym a lot (I already did that, but now I'm there 2 times a day), practicing other sports, talking with my friends much more(not about her, but just funny and great conversations) and for school the next 5 weeks are going to be really important so I'll be busy with that too!

One question we go to the same gym, and at some days we're doing the same group work out. What to do with that? Just a small chat like "Hey, how are you doing?'' and that's it.

I think I'm on the right track and you all help me out so much, so thanks for that!

I find it just annoying that she's so quickly 'with' someone else.

That's because she's so quickly over you -- and has been for a while. You do know why she tells you she loves you, right?
To keep me around

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssss.

or to make it a little less hard for myself?

Nooooooooooooooooooo.

Ok OK. Well I'm not around anymore. You people also helped me out so much. Made everything very clear to me! Now just getting on with my life without her. I know sometimes it's going to be hard, but I need to stay strong!
And I'll try to let go my feelings about being friends with her, it's just impossible.

I'll keep you updated and I'm making some great progress.

Report in every day. Thank you.

Ok here I am again, today is a tough day for me! The fact that she's probably going to spend the evening/night with that guy is constantly in me head. Really annoying I'm seeing all these pictures about those 2 what I really don't want to see lol.

Today I've worked out in the morning, went to school and now I'm back home again and it's going to be a really long day. I'm going to meet a friend of my in a couple of hours so I'm happy with that. What I don't like is the fact that I don't have anything to do for tonight. And I really want to know if she's home or she's with that guy. So it will be really hard for me not to call her. But I know that if I do call her I'll be dissapointed in every way. 1) in myself that I broke NC. 2) She won't pick up the phone and I'll be overthinking everything 3) She picks up the phone and tells me she's not home or even worse she tells me that she's with him (and that is one thing I really don't want to know!) 4) She picks up the phone and is annoyed that I called her.

So I'm really struggling not to call her, but I'll try my best and keep you updated how today went.

Stop getting all these updates on what she might or might not be doing!

And find something to do this evening-and don't break NC!!

Do not contact her in any way. She has become your "white bear."

Do not disappoint us!!

I've decided I'll go for a run this evening(leaving my phone at home so I won't be tempted te contact her), then going to watch sports on the telly. Also have to do a little bit of schoolwork so that's what I'm going to do. I'll try to stop on these updates about her, but it's in my head almost every single time. I have to stop thinking about her, because it's about ME and getting MY life back to normal!

Thanks, reading this kind of comments really helps me not to contact her! I know it's silly but sometimes I just have to hear/read it again. I will NOT contact her tonight and I will not dissapoint you nor myself!

I will NOT contact her tonight and I will not dissapoint you nor myself!

We will be your sponsor, like you're in Alcoholics Anonymous. If you feel the need to partake, contact us. I or another of your sponsors will be here to talk you down.

Hit the library to study, that gets you out of the house. Need groceries, go get a can of peas, or a few ears of corn, and talk to other people. When you sit alone, thinking of her, get up and clean that mess in your closet, polish your shoes(?), do the dishes, clean the bathroom, any thing that needs doing, do it, just look around you. In this way you distract yourself, and make new habits and routines, for your brain to focus on.

Once you find other people to talk to, and interact with, you change your thoughts, and actions, with different people, places, and things.

The key is to stick with it, and make it easier on yourself. So get busy, no excuses.

A few more ideas:

I had a couple of friends who I could always call and knew they would distract my mind.

Do something active. I played racquetball, for one. It did two things for me - one was to reduce my anxiety as I hit that little blue ball as hard as I could; the second was that I was having so much fun I was laughing and really enjoying myself. I realized how much more fun that was than worrying about a relationship that was over.

Have a list of things you can do when you start feeling weak.

Need to get out of the house - go see a movie.

When I needed to do something and it was too late to go out or call anyone, I'd read threads in here. I found some that always lifted me up and gave me things to think about (Thank you vanheart - again).

I always felt that having a plan kept me on my plan. I knew where I wanted to be in my life and it wasn't where I was. I'm there now, though. You have to take it a day at a time, and keep making forward progress.

Thank you you said some nice things to do to distract my mind. Now I'm going outside to play basketball. Dunk it a couple of times to get rid of my frustrations and just having fun.

The Hangover 2 is almost out over here, so I'll go that movie with a couple of friends and have a great time.

Thanks!

Sounds perfect.

I just saw the new Pirates movie, and of course there is "Bridesmaids". Well, maybe not... :)

You seem to have a good attitude. That is going to help so much.

Well I haven't called her today! So yay for me! It was really tough but I didn't want to dissapoint you who are helping me. Besides that I really didn't want to dissapoint myself! (like I've said before, I can only dissapoint myself by calling her. First off all that I broke the NC, that she wouldn't want to talk to me, or she's with that guy) So I'm actually pretty happy about today :)

Now I'm going to watch an hour long episode on the telly and I'm straight of to bed! Thank you all for the help otherwise I probably would have broken NC today!

Tomorrow my day is pretty packed with activities. First I have to do some schoolwork, then I have to go to school, dinner, going to watch some sports, going to the gym and then to bed again.

Thursday will be a different story, but I'm doing this on a daily basis.. so I don't have to worry about that atm.

Again thank you all!

Don't slack off. I'm watching you.

You really, really don't want to disappoint me, do you?

Glad today was successful. One day at a time...

No I really don't want to dissapoint you nor the others who are helping me. You are giving me your time and have given me so much support and that is helping me so much. I'm really happy with that otherwise I still would have been crying, calling, begging everyday.

You give me the info that I NEED to hear, not what I want to hear. That is what I need and how I can get totally over her. So again, thank you! :)

You're welcome.

Enjoy the day tomorrow. We'll be here waiting for your report. :D

Ok today was a tough day. Really tough. A real setback in my progress actually. I know this was bound to happen, but I feel really bad. Going to bed right now and hopefully I'm feeling better tomorrow! :)

Some days are tough,others less so-and before you know it every day will be a perfectly fine day.

Hang in there!

Ok, she called me this morning and I was in shock and answered the phone. She wanted to know how I was doing and give me some information about a phone contract I closed couple of weeks ago(she knows I'm a dork with that lol). It was actually a pretty funny conversation, but now I want to talk to her again and that's just impossible. Strange how NC is always the best solution.

I should not have picked up the phone but I was in shock haha. Now I will try and go back to NC again.
Probably will see her tonight at the gym for a group work out. I'll just say ''hi'' and keep doing my thing.

Just wanted to let you people know!

will see her tonight at the gym for a group work out. I'll just say ''hi'' and keep doing my thing.
I am very disappointed. With Caller ID, you still answered the phone??

No, do not even say hi. How about going to the gym when you know she won't be there?

You were in shock before the phone rang..!

So you answered it?

Who are you kidding?

No contact!

Yeah shouldn't have anwered it.. I just didn't know what to do, it was my first time haha. Won't happen again!
And I wish I don't have to go this evening, but I'm giving that work out so I have to go..

So I won't make any contact by myself, but what should I do if she comes talking to me? Still don't say anything? Or give her really short answers?

Thanks for the quick reply! :)

Yeah sounds real bad doesn't it.. Maybe I was just a bit happy that she thought of me and called me. Going back to NC and won't be picking up any phones.

Thank you for the quick reply! Was thinking about calling her, but you made it (again) certain for me that it is not allowed to call her!

Phones are not your friends at the moment so stay away from them!!

Change your gym while you're at it!! :-)

You can make this easier on yourself by consistently following the guidelines for No Contact, or you can drag it out by giving in to contacts. The latter will keep you in misery for a much longer time. You are in control of what you do and how you decide to proceed. How good would it feel to put this all behind you, concentrate on improving yourself and your life, and eventually finding a mutually satisfying relationship? Seems like a no-brainer to me.

You can see that it was a mistake to answer the phone. When the phone rings now, take a moment to see who is calling before you answer. If it is her, let it go to voicemail. If there are still things you need to sort out (like the phone plan she called about), she can leave you a message. Better yet, proactively clean up anything like that which may exist. Don't give her a reason to call.

It's not unusual to have setbacks. The question is how you deal with them. If you make smart choices, the process is so much easier.

Thank you for the great reply! Mornings are tough for me, so to come online here and read a great reply like this really helps me out!

I'm starting to figure out how to handle my own business and not thinking about what she's up to this day. Picking up the phone yesterday was a bad choice, but I know I will not be doing it a second time before I figured out my own life. I have to focuss on myself and finding a new way of life without her. Even though I picked up the phone yesterday, this is my 4th day without contacting her by myself and I thought I wouldn't even be able of doing that.

I'm actually finding some joy again in the things I used to love. Slowly I'm getting were I need to be and I highly appreciate all the comments/feedback you all are giving me. Without that I still would be a total mess.

It's a journey,Vakantie,and you're doing well-soon you'll not even remember how many days you've done NC!

That's one of the great things about this website. There are a lot of wise people willing to give you help and willing to support you when you need it, especially when you show you are listening and making progress. We've all been there and we know it is tough. We are hoping to help you make the process easier. I can tell you I spent endless hours on here reading when I was struggling. There is a wealth of info here, and not just about breaking up. I even found comfort in reading the Humor section. I probably spent time in almost all of the forums. It kept me out of trouble and I learned so much, plus I made some good friends along the way. Most importantly, I got past my struggles and now have a wonderful life.

It's just another tool for you, along with your friends, family, school, sports, hobbies, and working towards the life you want.

Yes this is really a great website! At most websites you have to proof yourself before the people make you feel at home. Here I felt at home after the first reply! :) Today again was a tough day because it really was a boring day, so I had a lot of 'thinking time'. I tried to keep my mind busy, but still had too much thinking time. Despite that still going NC!

I also feel comfort reading the other relationship posts, knowing I'm not the only one suffering. I know this sounds strange, but this really helps me knowing I'm not the only one in pain. Im going to read the other sections more often now, just to spend some time in here. Getting to know the people better, having fun and getting my life on track! Hopefully when I'm back to 'normal' I can help new people like you are helping me!

Just got out of the gym and tonight I'm going to drink a couple of beers with my friends! Then off to bed. Tomorrow I have to make some schoolwork, then going to watch the Champions League final and after that to a Birthday party! I am really excited about that, meeting new people and having a great time!

It sounds like you are finally making good progress -- and we are proud of you!

OK here I am, again with an update!

Yesterday was very hectic. My ex girl stood in front of my home crying and really wanted to talk to me. No, she did not want me back. She wanted to talk about things that happened to her the day before. I let her in and she talked to me how she almost had sex with that guy from the bar and how she felt bad about it. The weird thing was that it didn't even really bothered me. I was just dissapointed in her and couldn't care more. She noticed this and she broke down for a couple of minutes. We talked for a while and she was exhausted and fell a sleep next to me while I was watching the Champions League final. After the final I kicked her out of the house and went to the Birthday party! The party was great had so much fun and we went home early in the morning. Almost home I saw two (drunk) ladies and they were shouting at me. So I stopped by and we had a little chat. She asked me if I wanted to go home with her and I agreed. When I at her home we made out. After a couple of hours I went home because I had to be awake in 3 hours lol.

I should have refused her question for letting her to talk to me, why should I help her after she put me through so much pain. But I feel good about myself that it didn't do me so much about her and that guy. Even though we had some contact I still haven't initiated the contact. So I'm proud about that.

What do you think?

Why even bother lending her your shoulder to ''cry on''?

Her problems aren't yours anymore-next time refuse to be her emotional bandage.

Ok,so you didn't break NC-but you allowed it to happen...

Not ideal..

As for getting picked up by drunk ladies in the streets-make sure you don't hurt anyone by jumping into a rebound...

Yes that's the only question I have atm. During these periods she has to figure out what she had and what she throwed away. She made the decision, so I shouldn't be helping her during the hard times of a break up.

And that drunk lady was just fun for a night, we both know there's nothing more...

Yes that's the only question I have atm. During these periods she has to figure out what she had and what she throwed away.

What she THREW (not "throwed") away... and you are being incredibly naïve by talking to her, thus giving HER the satisfaction that she still has control over you. She does, doesn't she. Admit it. So far there has not been real NC.

She made the decision, so I shouldn't be helping her during the hard times of a break up.

No, you shouldn't. So stop already.

You have allowed yourself to be put in a position of being her emotional tampon, a position better filled by a female friend.

You are to available and accommodating to her, and she will realize nothing while you are. But I doubt she is very attractive to you any way, while she does this, so stop her from doing it as you have not only been demoted to the dreaded friend zone, but the even more dreaded ex turned "GIRL friend zone".

And its directly on your shoulders to stop it. IF you choose too!!

Thank you for pointing out the stupid grammar mistake. This site even helps me with my English.

Thought a bit more about me helping her and I won't be doing that anymore. I have/had my hard times, she will have hers. It was her choice so she has to live with it.

Thank you (again) for pointing out the obvious haha.

Thank you for the great comment, will put this one in my personal 'diary'.

Thank you for pointing out the stupid grammar mistake. This site even helps me with my English.

Ask many of the experts here. That's what I do best :D because I want you to be at your best. We're a full-service site. Btw, consider yourself adopted.

Okay today really was a great day! I felt so much better and I really enjoyed today! :)
I really feel like I'm going into the right direction! Time really is the best medicine.
Hopefully no setback tomorrow after such a great day.

Went to school this morning and after that to the gym. Talked to some mates at the gym and they could see it in my smile, the way I laughed and the way I walked that I am doing so much better.

Now I'm going for a small run outside and after that I really need to study.

Way to go-keep going! ;-)

Doesn't that all feel great? Remember that feeling next time you are faced with a choice. ;)

Yes it feels great! I will remember this feeling when she comes to me again when she's feeling down. Or duringthe tough days of the healing process!

Now I'm off to bed! I'm excited about tomorrow!

Well,should she come around again,make it very clear that she's not welcome-you're not her therapist and any special treatment is revoked once their an ex-especially one that dumped you!

Have a good day!

Here's a quick update with what's on my mind:

I'm still doing pretty good actually. Now I'm just at the point thinking why doesn't she try to contact me. Not that I would pick up the phone or something, but I'm just wondering is she thinking about me or is she just high fiving her friends because I haven't tried to make any contact.

I'm amazed about how well I'm doing. Yes I sometimes still think about her, but I feel I'm getting my life on track, doing things I like, without thinking about her all the time. I enjoy the days again and I get through the days easily with NC.

Now I'm off to school. Have a great day everyone! :)

It doesn't matter what she's thinking or how she's feeling.

What matters is that you keep moving on,doing well-as you are!

Enjoy school!

Yes you are right, I only have to think about myself and what I'm doing, not about her or what she's doing. For the first time in a couple of days I miss her next to me now I'm going to bed, Other than that today went pretty good. I still feel I'm growing everyday, how to keep myself busy in my 'free' time and to find a new way to live.

Met an old friend of mine at the gym, he was going to the same a couple of years ago. So it was great to talk with him about that and having some laughs.

Now off to bed, tomorrow I have to do a serious lot of homework!

Hey Vakantie,

The advice your getting here so far is excellent, LISTEN TO WHAT Everyone IS TELLING YOU.

I will give you a little heads up on some stuff so you know what to expect. A year and a half ago, my ex girlfriend of 5.5 years left me and had the same problems as you did. Not only would she say she loves me still she would tell me we need this break so we can happily be married in the end.HAHAHA... now that's a funny one... whats also funny is that I'm now back in a hart break position again (with a dif girl),situation is a little diff but still, important you learn from your mistakes now so you don't feel like this again in the future.

Anyway here's what I learnt from my experience that might help you
1)its very normal that some days you'll feel good, then BAM, you will feel absolutetly terrible... but when you feel bad, DO NOT BREAK NC

2) AS HARD AS IT IS, IGNORE ALL HER ATTEMPS TO CONTACT YOU... I know it will be hard but you will see that over time, your confidence will being to rise because you proved to yourself you were not only able to not contact her, but also to ignore her

3)shes actually done you a favor by already kissing another guy... your relationship is over, forget being friends your way too emotionally involved... she crushed your hope by kissing another guy and basically telling you she just wants to fool around... sucks because then she gives you back hope by telling you she loves you lol but at this point you have to see that these are attempts to keep you hooked on her... she doesn't want you moving on for her own ego and just in case she realizes in a long time from now she made a mistake... whats important to know is that it doesn't matter what she says anymore, her word means nothing... you says she loves you, yet she broke up with you and has already kissed another guy 4 days later... this is why you need to stay in NC, including ignoring her attempts and including getting updates from friends... tell your friends NO UPDATES

4)its going to be a rollercoaster ride for you the next couple of months buts its VERY NORMAL. Just try your best to keep busy, work on yourself and try not to fall back in school. Come here and give updates and read other peoples stories when you feel weak, trust me that helps a lot

Good luck man and keep us updated

Hey Brent absolutely a great post!
Yes I definitely listen to what everyone is telling me. Without that I still would have been a mess by contacting her everyday or something like that. All the posts on here has helped me to grow tremendously! Yesterday in the evening I had a hard time and felt pretty terrible, but I managed to stay NC. Exactly what you said Brent (and many others), because she kissed and fooled around with an other guy I realized that the relationship was really over. It was hard to take, but maybe it was the best way to accept it. Now I'm doing my thing and meeting new people!
How are you doing with your situation?

Here's a quick update of today!
Today was a boring day in my country, a bank holiday. So almost nothing to do. Went to the gym early because it closed early. So almost had an entire day of free time and nothing to do. And basically she had the same, because she tried to contact me a couple of times. I refused to pick up the phone. It was really hard but I just read your messages on here and it pulled me through. Then a couple of hours later she stood there in front of my door! I asked her what's up and she told me she was feeling lonely and had nothing to do, she missed having me around her. Or that we would meet later during a day... So I manned up and told her that she is lonely at the moment and that it was her own fault. Then she told me she had no friends atm because they were all at parties or something like that and she didn't want to spend too much time with that guy otherwise she might like him. So I told her that sometimes it is really hard but you can't come to me, or call me when you are feeling down and lonely. Then I told her I had to go outside running and I stopped the conversation. It was hard to do, but it was the best thing to do, and I actually feel pretty good haha.

A big problem I'm having is focusing on my schoolwork. I can hit the gym, go outside running or play basketball. Even can play a videogame (had trouble with that at the beginning) but I just can't focus on my schoolwork. Tomorrow my day is packed with many activities but Saturday I really have to study. Hopefully I can focus myself and do a lot of schoolwork.

My situation is going not bad, you can't really chose when you feel good and when you feel bad, sometimes your feeling good then bam, just hits you. Especially when you wake up in the morning and nights... but I don't want to steal your tread lol so just go read up on mine at https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/7-days-no-contact-mixed-signals-help-me-579004.html. The link should work.

Anyway as for you moving forward, I think you played it perfectly. Congrtulations on having ignored her calls, and well you can't do nothing about her showing up at your door but you did a good by telling her to stop coming to your door. CONTINUE IGNORING ALL HER CONTACT, Don't ANSWER HER CALLS, DO NOT ANSWER HER TXT. She has a lot of balls to come to your door, tell you she's coming to see you because he has nothing else to do AND ACTUALLY TELL YOU She's AFRAID SHELL LIKE THE OTHER GUY TOO MUCH. WOW. This girl is something I must say. In one meeting she basically told you she only use you when she has no other options and that she basically really likes this guy, she's trying to hold herself back from him.

Yes I know the school work is the worse, because that's the time where you have the most to think about ****, I know, I'm in school to and I had that same problem during my last break up and I'm having it again no. One thing I'm currently doing is I try to go to a different location other than what I'm used to to study, or try studying with someone so that will force you to focus.

Stay strong and keep us updated

Bravo... you are definitely on the right path my friend. I wish I could say I have been as proper as you with the whole NC approach. Been apart with my ex of 2+ years and still make the mistake of answering the texts she sends me every now and then.

I guess the only difference I see in my situation is that I don't know of any new guy she is talking to (doesn't mean she isn't of course).

This advice you are receiving is great. Keep up the good work, perhaps this will inspire me to make the extra effort in no contact.

Yes Brent you are right the nights and mornings are awful! Especially when you have nothing to do. I will take a look in your thread and will give a comment. :)

Yes this girl is something haha. Maybe it makes it easier for me that she seeing some other guy, I don't know. This really was a great post from you. Summing it all up for me what she told me in one quick conversation. Really helpful, because I didn't figure it all out before your post. So thanks for that.

Still doing bad at my schoolwork. But I have some deadlines coming up so tomorrow I really have to get started. Will give a larger update later today. Got to hit the gym now! :)

Yes sometimes it really feels I'm on the right track, but sometimes it hits me really hard that I'm not with her anymore and I'm really down again. Had this feeling this morning and it was really awful.

I don't know if the difference (she's seeing someone) is helping me. Sometimes I really think ''well screw her, I'm moving on'' and other times I'm feeling bad that she is actually seeing somebody.

I really hope this inspires you to stay NC, imo when I respond to her calls/messages I only feel worse after I spoke to her. Don't know if you have to same, but this happened to me a couple of times.

I will post a big update later today with what's been going on in my life!

Well same as you the problem is that neither of us have come out and plainly said that "its over."
For me I think even though it may have hurt worse at the start to hear this, overall it would make it easier to move forward and take the necessary steps to heal.

But from reading your posts I think that message has come across now that you have refused to be her emotional blanket and have told her to not come to you with her issues. I have yet to take it to that level and tell her not to contact me and that we are over. Ultimately it is the path we all have to take to move on from an ex for good, at least in my opinion.

Look forward to reading your update :)

Ok here is my update.

I went out Saturday night with a couple of friends and she was there too (also with a friend). We said hello and went back to doing our own thing. I was dancing with some girls, laughing and acting crazy. She was starting to get jealous and started talking to me. Me with my drunk head said OK and started talking for a second. She held me very tight and said she loves me so much and misses me like crazy. I said that I don't know what to do with it, it was your decision. She said she knows and that the mornings and evenings are the toughest and she seeing me here with some girls having fun and making them laugh was doubting her decision. I didn't know what to say so I just made a cocky funny joke. She laughed and said that she misses my jokes and me as a person as her friends. Then I asked her if she liked her new life more than her old life with me and she held me very tight again, started crying and said no. Then the comments on here started running through my head ( I know a bit late, but I wasn't completely sober) and said I couldn't talk to her anymore and she should figure it out by herself because I didn't make the decision. After that I went back to my friends and really had a great time and it looked like I am dealing better with the break up than her.

Sunday was a bit boring. I went to the gym in the morning and after that I watched the tennis final Nadal – Federer. After that I started running outside and went to my bed, feeling pretty okay. And when I woke up on Monday I felt absolutely terrible. I just missed her like crazy again and was pretty down. Luckily I had to go to school (you won't hear me say that very often haha) and I could keep my mind of her for a couple of hours. After that I went to the gym and she was also there. We did our own thing and when I was done she came up to me and asked me if I wanted a ride home. I refused and she almost begged me to come with her. I still said no and again she looked really down. I said thanks for asking anyway and started walking to the dressing room. Then she walked after me again and started talking to me again. She said she was going to Spain for a couple of days to relax a bit with her parents. To clean up her mind and think about the decision she made, because she is doubting her decision more everyday. I said have fun and enjoy your time in Spain. She looked at me like is that all you have to say? I said goodbye and when I don't see you anymore have fun in Spain. When I was at home I felt pretty good, watched the NBA Finals and went to bed. My hopes weren't up or I wasn't thinking about she getting back to me. I was just happy how the situation went and that I'm moving on pretty fine. This morning I'm doing all right. The mornings are always tough for me but I'm doing better than yesterday.

I want to thank you all for the replies because thanks to your replies I know how to handle the situation. And she looks like she's down and don't know what to do. At first it was vice versa.
If you have comments please keep giving them to me, because they help me out so much and I will keep giving my updates!

Alcohol has a lot to answer for...

I think it's time you,should the occasion arise again,tell her in so many words that you don't want her to start any kind of conversation with her-as it's delaying your healing.

It doesn't matter how she feels-she broke up with you remember?

I believe you are doing a pretty good job so far but unfortunatetly your xgf is not doing you any favors by constantly showing you signs that she still cares.

This makes it a lot harder for you because she is obviously going to give you hope by reacting the way she has been reacting. I had the same problem with my ex of 5 years,especially since she would tell me we are def going to get back together, and not only that we will for sure get married, that we just need this break away from each other for a couple of months or years so that we can be happy in the end.

Here's how the events of that turned out, its been 2 years since, maybe it will help you out because I know the true battle for you right now is to feel it in your hart and not just in your head that you must see the relationship as over and not listen to what she says. Right now she's is a confused little girl, so there's actually no point in listening to what she says, because she obviously doesn't know herself and won't know for a wile. Where before she knew she wanted to be with you all those years, and now she's just simply not sure anymore. But just look at the facts first.
1)she left you after 4 years
2)shes already into another guy
3)she misses you and is having a hard time being away from you but still won't be with you
Those are the facts and when looking at the facts, this is behavior of a girl who doesn't want to be with you exclusively anymore, but obv misses you and is def lost at this point in her life (VERY normal for a girl her age who was in a long term relationship, it happens often).
At this point, you are obviously too emotionally involved with her, I mean she's your xgf of 4 years lol and you still love her. The same way its hard for her its hard for you. But you mustk now this is the right thing to do (NO CONTACT)until you are able to function properly in your life on a daily basis. See it as necessary for you, like did you really want to be with this one girl the rest of your life that you met so young? Would you have actually married her, not had any doubts of what it would have been like with some else and feel confident that you'd be happy having been with her since such a young age? I know in my long relationship all those things bothered me and that's why I saw it as necessary as much as I loved her and felt like **** everyday, that I had to move on. Here I am abit less than years later and I am def healed from all of that. But here's how it turned out during those 2 years.

1)i started nc after a week and she contacted me about once a month for the first 6 months, I never bumped into her during this time and her contact was very light, nothing crazy... I ignored almost all her contact
2)it was hell for me the first 2 months, but started feelign better after 3 months, and after 4 months was pretty much good but not 100% (but this was hard core no contact, I had no updates on her and never saw her, I told my friends not to give me updates)
3)at 5 months I found out she was seeing my friend who starting avoiding me as soon as we broke up, it looks like things started right after we broke up (shes only admitted it was 3 months later) but for several reasons she probably lied about that. By the time I found out I was pretty much over her thank god, I was more so disapointed and hurt that someone so close to me would do that to me but hey, you never know with people
4)at 6 months I bumped into her and pretty much cried the whole night because I didn't want to talk to her and harassed me with calls the whole week and I ignored them all. She continued contacting me for a couple of months after that, all which I ignored then she didn't contact me for like 7 months.
5)recently she has started to contact again saying she misses me, never stops thinking about me would do anything for me, nothing is what it seems bla bla (yes she is still with her bf)... obviously I don't care and it doesn't affect me anymore what she says lol... I actually met up with her to tell her to stop contacting me, that its been almost 2 years and she's still contacting me after all the times I've ignored her. Seeing her did nothing for me lol, like I didn't have any feelings come back or anythng, I just felt very bad for her because she cried so much and really wanted me in her life... the answer still remains no for me for spitting in my face the way she did

I don't know if my store will help you, but hopefully you can learn from it. Im basically saying that yes she prob really misses you and is going through some hard times like you are, but she's the one who left you and is kindof ALREADY involved with sum1 else. At this point your too emotionally involed, which is why you need to back away until you feel free from her. You will know you feel free from her when she's not on your mind all day and you could function regularly again. At this point you shouldn't really care if she contacts you or not or wtv because by then you'd be able to handle anything coming from her. But judging for the length of your relationship, your going to need a lot of time away from her for this to happen.

Don't let her see you sweat. You need to see the relationship as over. And not for nothing, would you really want to be with someone who after 4 years immediatetly got involved with another guy? Would you want to marry this person, spend your life with them, have kids with them, and miss out on every other girl that will come your way in the future for this person? The answer is no, where before it might have been yes, but now her true colors came out. It still will be very hard to move on, but I know right now your probably struggling with the hope side and questioning if you really should keep up no contact. YES YOU SHOULD. If you didn't care as much about her and wtv, id say perfect, just go with the flow like she's any other girl. But unfortunately that's not your reality, and you are affected too much by her with reason.

I hope this helped, but you should really try to avoid her as much as possible for the next couple of months

I think you handled yourself extremely well. You didn't get sucked into a deep emotional conversation, and you were casual, and busy, cool, calm, collected, and under control, even for a dude that was a bit intoxicated. We all know it wasn't as easy as you made it look, or sound, but you carried yourself with dignity and self respect, without being rude or obnoxious.

Well done.

Yes given that alcohol was involved it was handled very well. I don't think I myself could be as forward and stern given the situation. Your actions are inspirational :)

Thank you very much. And yes it was difficult. It wasn't as easy as it sounds, but thanks to the comments on here I know how to react and I try to do the things you are telling me as good as possible. So thanks for all the replies. I know I still have a long way to go, but thanks to you my progress is a lot quicker! What I said before, it is me who is moving on and she's not by trying to make contact with me. Before it was vice versa. That's one of the reasons which makes me point out I'm heading to the right direction.

Thank you,
I think if you really want to you can also do this, but I don't think you really want. I had the same thing. At first I liked it when she wanted to talk to me, or I tried to contact her for a conversation. Now I just want to move on.

If you really want to move on, you can also do this. It is tough but you can also post on this website (helps me out a lot!), go hang out with friends, hit the gym (or an other sport/hobby to practice) you can also do this. For me it also helps going out with girls. Not as a rebound or something, just something to get your confidence flowing and to have a great time.

Also thank you for your respond, because when you say my actions are inspirational I don't want to let you down in the future haha!

Wow Brent! Great post again! Telling me all the facts again, giving me your story and imo the best part of your post the questions at the end. Really amazing post.

My ex girl told me that if we were meant to be we would come back together. At first I couldn't wait for when this was going to happen. But now, I don't know if I want to be with her again. Sometimes I ask myself the question: if she comes to me now, would you take her back. And honestly I don't know at the moment, increasingly my answer is no. Yes I still love her, but I'm having fun meeting new people and talking to girls even (sometimes) going out with them, what I wouldn't have done in a relationship. Besides that the fact that she's so fast seeing someone else is also helping me to move on. Despite what she said on Saturday and Monday that she isn't seeing him for a couple of days and just wants to be with me.

Your story is inspirational! I like the fact how you have moved on with your life and she still wants to talk to you. I still have a long way to go to get to that point. But I feel like I have moved on more than her. At the moment she is the one trying to get in contact with me, have a little talk with me or expressing her feelings about missing me and loving me. I will continue using NC, because it helps me out a lot and I already moved on a lot in my life. If you compare me now against 2 weeks ago, it is a major difference and everyone notices it.

I like how you asked me those answers at the end of your post. If you asked me those questions 2.5 weeks ago I would have answered yes. But now I answered no. I know that sometimes it will be extremely hard to stay NC, but in moments like that I come to this website and post on here and/or find any other distraction

Thank you for your time for giving me such an inspirational post, giving me some facts and asking me those questions. Helps me out a lot!

Haha thanks... And I am way ahead of you on using this website, I have a fairly long one on here as well https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/weird-situation-568418.html

And yes it does help talking with people on here, and the different viewpoints that they present are great and help put things into perspective. I find it has been easier for me given that my ex and I are a few hours apart so I don't really have to worry about seeing her. And for the last couple of weeks I have had no real desires to contact her, she has been the one contacting me every now and again. And I am pretty religious when it comes to going to the gym, hanging with friends, etc. So my activity level has stayed high just to aid in the process.

So continue doing what you are doing... you are on the right path :)

Yes the different viewpoints are are great. Really helps me to continue NC. I live just a 20 minute walk apart from my ex. So the change is pretty big that we will bump in each other sometimes.

Even though I'm on the right track some days are still horrible! Like now, I'm just reading all the posts on here to continue NC and to see my improvement!

Now I'm going to bed and I wish everyone a happy day/evening/night! :)

Wow, today was tough! Really wanted to contact her and meet up.. Luckily this site pulled me through my slump and I continued NC. When I woke up today I loved her again like crazy. The feeling that used to be so great and is horrible now, that you just want to hold each other and tell how much you love each other. That feeling! Had to go to school in the morning so I couldn't read all the posts on here and I just wanted to contact her. With each hour I just wanted to contact her even more. But I told myself wait 'till you get home and then you can read all the posts, it will help you. And luckily it did! The posts that the relationship is over, she's seeing an other guy, being her emotional tampon, the posts of amicon, all the other facts, the bad feelings I used to had when I contacted her, the idea of her being with him and me just stupidly calling(that would be really bad lol), how I would not dissapoint Wondergirl, that she's going through the same, that I have to stay strong and all the support I get here on this website pulled me through!

Can't say it enough but thank you everyone who posted in this thread! :)

Hey,some days are like that-you got through it-well done!

And it will get better,I promise you.

Stay strong!

(You could print some pages from your thread and read them when it gets ''iffy''.)

Yea no doubt about it there will be more days like this ahead... thats the reason why your doing NC because you are so emotionally involved with this girl and the only way to take that step back is by going no contact. And also she has been very clear in all her actions that she does not want to be exclusive with you anymore. No doubt about it she probably still loves you and misses you, but she def doesn't want to be just with you anymore and with the feelings you have for her, you have no choice but to move on by not contacting her so that you could be happy again without her in your life. No one ever said this would be easy that you will feel good every day lol, I think I told you in one of my first posts, you will feel like **** for the next couple of weeks and months and the worse part, even when your feeling good one hour iot could just hit you the next. VERY NORMAL. BUT, resisting these urges when you're feeling terrible will make you stronger after it passes and as time goes by, you're confidence will begin to grow because you were able to resist that urge. When your confidence grows so will you and you'll begin to feel better.I promise there is light at the end of the tunnel, but its still a rocky road ahead no doubt. But at MINIMUM, no chance your initiating contact lol. Im sorry but no, initiating contact is not even an option. That your going to have to accept no matter what. Just think of it this way. Imagine you initiate contact, so you call her or text her wile she's with that other guy or any other guy for that matter... YEAAAAA see what I mean, I don't think so. Plus you will feel even worse afterwards. At this point your xgf doesn't know herself what she's doing and what she wants, that's very clear, she's just a lost girl right now... and when someone is lost the way she is right now, nothing you can say or do that will make them snap out of it. And once she does wake up (if she ever does) does not mean that you will be what she wants anyway, that's why you have to move on as if she don't care about no more in any way, never mind if she might still want you or maybe miss you, that will only drive you crazy. The bottom line is its either she knows she wants just you and to be with you (which is obviously the only thing we know for sure is not true lol) and anything else means you have to move on in your life as if she's out for good because of how emotionally involved you are.

Stay strong I know it sucks really bad... DONT CONTACT

Again thank you Brent! I am printing this page (like amicon suggested) to have it with me all the time. This posts just sums it all up.

Went out yesterday and had a nice night out with a couple of my friends! My ex wasn't on my mind and that felt good. Now the hardest part of the break up is about to come. School is almost over, only 1 exam left to do and I really have to study but I just can't! It is really horrible, I have all the time in the world but I just can't focus. Also I'm looking up against all the free time I have when school is done. Many of my friends work full time and can't hang out during the day. I also have a job, but it's just for 12 hours a week and I don't want to work more haha. So it is going to be interesting the first couple weeks after school.

Also I have spent my time a bit different this week. Last week I dated / went out with a couple of girls and it was fun. But I only had the feeling that I did this just to forget my ex girlfriend. I thought this was unfair to these girls so I refused to date this week. I wanted to know how it felt not to see a girl. One side of me liked it, I had the feeling that these girls were starting to like me and I don't want to let them down and I want to heal before I really start going out with a girl. But on the other side my mind was distracted and that felt good! The first 3 days of the week were fine and I felt pretty good, but the last 2 days I felt down. What do you guys recommend, is it possible to date a girl or is it best to don't do anything?
Thanks in advance!

Too,too early to date -just get to know new people-don't go down the rebound route.

Heal first-you're not there yet-and being single's fun-as you will realise in a while!

Can I ask if English is your first language?

If it isn't you could translate the page you printed into your mother tongue...

As for ''after school''-find a new hobby-interest to keep you busy when you're not studying.

For the other girl stuff, I def wouldn't start dating or getting involved with anyone that's for sure. You could get to know new ones and all but I wouldn't focus much on other girls right now, stuff is too fresh. If you happen to meet one you realllyyy like then OK, but chances are you won't find someone your so into so early.

Well done my friend. That urge to contact definitely likes to pop it's head in whenever you don't want it. Printing out some key things is definitely a great idea.
As for the other girls stuff... It is definitely good to get out there to build your confidence up, but just make sure to communicate to them that you are emotionally and mentally not in a position to get into anything serious at this point in time. If they still want to hang out some after that by all means go for it if you enjoy it.

Keep up the good work!

If you cannot separate notions of romance, needing a replacement companion from having fun with female friends, DON'T DATE.

One of the things we often forget, is intense feelings of attractions can often get us carried away and we think we are in love, and start following our hearts. This is only made worse by the object of our affections getting as carried away by their own intense feelings also. What a mess when the crush/lust wears off for one, or the other, or even both, after time has been spent bonding and dreaming and going along with a real good feeling.

What an emotional mess, as lust fades, and love grows, but most of us have no clue what the freak happened to those good feelings when they are gone, and don't have a clue what to do, or even be friends, or how to separate one thing from another, or even deal with even more just as intense feelings, but they don't feel so good at all. I hear it all the time, and its always the same response to their confusion. You must first understand, and be able to deal with your own feelings, before you can deal with someone else's.

If your feelings blind you to reality, imagine adding someone else's feelings and actions on top of it! Conflict and confusion, until you learn to cope with YOURSELF first, to keep a realistic prospective, and then you can deal with reality, no matter what it is. That's why break ups suck so bad, we don't deal with ourselves very well, so we are severely distracted and misled by our own thinking, or lack of it. Experience is a helluva teacher though, and we learn, or keep bumping our heads against a brick wall repeating old patterns of behavior, and thinking, that didn't work out well in the past, nor will work in the future.

Its never about who you date, or how long, but how you manage yourself in any situation. Successfully knowing how to do your thing, and staying within the boundaries of your own good behavior, not only keeps you balanced, but also confident, because you know how you will handle YOURSELF, no matter what happens, and are confident, and emotionally strong enough to take a risk when you have made a good decision, based on FACTS about YOU, and not just following intense FEELINGS, we all have.

That's what NC is really about, giving you a chance to get your confidence back by renewing your relationship with just yourself, so you can make those very important decisions to take a risk, based on FACTS, and not JUST FEELINGS.

The plan still may not work the way you thought it would, but at least you will know what to do when it doesn't. That's the difference between handling yourself, and being handled by your own feelings. It starts with being honest with yourself.

Then you can have fun with anyone who wants to share your happiness, and not be carried away by YOURSELF.

End of sermon.

Okay I see you are all against me seeing other girls. But what dwidrick said, if I communicate to the girls that I don't want to be in a relationship? Because I told them that for me it was just fun for an evening and I don't want to be in anything serious. They accepted that. I don't want them as my new girlfriend or anything like that, just for a fun evening and they wanted the same. That's also not allowed?

Amen to your post talaniman, but in this situation I'm being honest to myself and with them right?

What people say and what they want sometimes are to different things-what you're suggesting could come back

And bite you in the derriere-as someone might have expectations they don't communicate.

What I don't understand is your need to express such a sentiment after just meeting someone, any one, and not just have fun, instead of trying to warn everybody, you are not a good partner right now.

You assume that just meeting someone to have fun, and you do, and they seem to also, means it could lead somewhere? That's a self defeating prophesy. While you are being honest with yourself, to even have that kind of attitude from the beginning around strangers, means you are distracted by your own misery.

Don't try to get into a strangers head, through the filter of your own feelings. Just be yourself, and enjoy being yourself, and let time work for you, not against you. Then you can keep a safe emotional distance for your own good, and stop acting like a lonely wounded bird, I mean the last thing I would be doing, is stopping any future fun, with such a bleak outlook. Think of friends having fun, and not future romantic complications that exist in your own mind.

You are not dating and hunting, you are just making friends and enjoying and I would hardly call the experience a date at all. More like hanging out, wouldn't you agree? What's wrong with that? Act like you're single and love it, until you don't have to act any more, just love it.

After a break up, most people have to relearn the art of having fun, and being around strangers, as they unload their past baggage.

No Enlgish is not my first language. But I like to keep every message English because I think it will improve my English writing. I have no troubles to listen or hear it. Sometimes I just find it hard to find the right words and put them in the right order.

And yeah I'm making a to do list for the holidays, also the List of things to do after a break up helps :)

Your English is excellent-not being a native English speaker myself, I sometimes find that writng stuff in my mother tongue is more efficient!

Maybe you should plan a holiday... as in go abroad.

Talking, holding hands and a Power nap are not breaking up or not having a relationship, that is more relationship than many relationships have.

If she wants time and want to break up, then break up, don't talk to her, don't answer her phone and don't be there when "she just wants it" let her know that at this point you would want her back, but it is her choice.

So stop holding hands, stop naps, and stop talks, and don't contact her at all.

Then let her decide what she really wants

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/list-things-do-after-breakup-78597.html

Here you go.

Well it wasn't like I planned to have sex with them or anything like that. Just one thing led to another. But I understand your point, just keep it at having fun, heal and the rest will come in time. I will follow up your advice because your posts has helped me so much in the past that I would find it really dumb from me not to listen haha.

Yes that's true, I have to be careful with that. I will take it slowly from now on. Just going to have fun and heal first.

There you go-sorted!

I don't understand were you get the holding hands and taking a nap together part from? But I understand what you are saying. Now a week of NC has gone by (it would be longer if she didn't talk to me a couple of times) and I'm not trying to get her back. If she wants to talk to me, I will only allow it if she wants me back and even then I don't know if I want to.

Yes I was referring to that link in one of my last posts. Absolutely great thread!
This evening I will go outside for a run and then I'm going to buy some new clothes (read that from the thread haha)

How has everything been?

OK here's my update for the week!

On Tuesday I saw her at the gym. She never ever went to the gym on a Tuesday morning and now she was there. When we walked passed each other we said hi and then I started to ignore her. Until she started to talk to me. She had heard that I had slept with 2 girls and wanted to know how it felt (I don't know why, but that was her question... ). I said it was nice and then she told me she slept with that guy too ( I didn't even asked for it). I don't know why, but I didn't feel horrible. Probably because I saw it coming. We had a small chat, I made her laugh a couple of times and she said that she missed that.

From that day on she's contacting me almost everyday with nonsense text messages. She had send me something about my phone contract, texting me messages like ''heey player, how are you doing?'' or other little things to keep in touch with me. Now here I have the same 'problem' as dwidrick, I don't know why but I reply to some of the messages. When we are face to face I can ignore her or stop the conversation, but with a text message I have some problems to ignore it.
I briefly saw her on Thursday at the city centre (I live in a small town, so we are bound to see each other at some point) and she told me how I looked wonderful, how she liked my eyes and that I looked great. I said thanks and moved on. Then later on that night she wanted to meet up with me and I told her I already had plans. She wanted to know where, with who and so on. I told her it was with a girl and she became all clingy. Wanted to know everything and asked me in a way not to have sex with her. I told her I didn't know what was about to happen, because I didn't want to have to explain everything to her. I already knew that I wasn't going to have sex with her, because I only want to have fun with some people(following up the advice from this site).

Then on Friday she was at my house, my mom let her in. I was still freaking asleep! She came up to my room and started to hug me, give me a small kiss on the cheek and again telling me that I looked great and giving me all kind of compliments. She told me she was going to Barcelona for a couple of days with her parents later that day and she wanted to see me before she left. We had a small chat, I made her laugh a couple of times and she said that she missed that. Then she started to lay next to me in bed all cuddly and everything, then I told that this was getting to close and she had to leave. Then out of nothing she told me she still wanted to go on a holiday in August with me (which we already booked, but I thought she cancelled that a couple of weeks ago). I told her that I don't know if I wanted that and she should give me some time for that. I was thunderstruck by that question so I didn't know what to say. Then she said goodbye and wanted to kiss me on the lips, I turned my head so it was on my cheek said goodbye, have fun and she left.

Well here's an update of how the week went by. All pretty weird imo.
I'm doing pretty good actually. She isn't on my mind 24/7, she isn't the last thing I think about when I go to bed and she is not on my mind the first thing in the morning. I have made some major improvements this week. I can see a life in front of me without her and I'm having fun again. I'm starting to find the old me! :)

What happened to NC?

I suggest you ask your mother to NOT play go between in your ex's little mindgames,and that you stick to the no contact you s a y you want.

Ignore the texts-every time you reply to one you're allowing yourself to stay stuck in the ''what ifs'' and the ''maybes''.


GRRR!!

Yeah it wasn't a great week of NC. Strange thing though, I don't have the what ifs/maybe feelings. Maybe its just temporary. I don't know what it is, but for me the relationship is over (I did not have this feeling before). I know that is a good thing, still I should hang on to NC before my feelings start to flow back.
I told her when she comes back from her holiday not to contact me in any kind of way, also told my mother not to let her in anymore.

Another thing what I find strange is the face that she still keeps all my stuff. When she was in my house she was surprised that I removed all of her stuff. She told me she couldn't do it. I find that very strange. I couldn't do it from day 1, but when I started to feel the relationship was over I removed everything.

I will keep myself again to NC and start to ignore her texts, I have read all the posts on this website again and it made it very clear to me again that this is the best option! Thanks.

It doesn't matter wheter or not she keeps your stuff-so stop pondering that one-in fact stop pondering anything to do with her.

NC NC NC!!

If you were honestly feeling good and didn't really care, I would say do wtv you want since your good and could handle anything to do with her, the only thing is that I doubt your actually feeling this way because you don't care, I think your feeling good because of how much she's been contacting you recently. Just a week ago you were in great pain, the only thing that changed from a week ago is her reallyyy contacting you a lot which is probably why your feeling so good. You were with this girl a veryyy long time, you loved her and were really hurt by the break up, that takes some time to get over, youn need a clean break from her if not your setting yourself up for worse pain. Now she's contacting you, but eventually she wills stop doing this, she's doing this because she has a hard time letting go and her ego was hurt that you slept with other girl, but not because she wants you back exclusively. This is trouble I'm telling you right now.


Unfortunately, as Amicon said, these are all mind games. Girls can't help themselves, they just have to do it, especially that she knows you slept with other girls its all a game to her now, your ex girlfriend is also a drama queen I can see, so she's in her element, she's feeding off all this drama. This is all a joke to her right now. I doubt that your feeling over her for real so you must IGNORE EVERY TEXT AND PHONE CALL. In person say your hello annd continue on, don't get into a conversation.

Your ex girlfriend is a pshyco by the way. She came lying into your bed wile you were sleeping, WOW. She's CRAZY. RUN.

I agree with brent on this one... my ex would never come into my house while I am sleeping and try to cuddle given the current situation. That is definitely a little on the excessive side.

And yes I do find it hard to ignore my ex's text... but for me there was like a month gap where we didn't communicate at all which gave me some time to get myself together and focused. Now at least when she communicates with me in the back of my head all I really think now is that it is a little annoying and on a friend kind of level. She is focused on getting her life the way she wants it and knows that she isn't ready to be with anyone let alone me. Sounds like your ex isn't even able to do that and is now hung up on you like you were on her. So similar to me in a way but also a little different.

Either way I know the feeling... takes time. Maybe try deleting her number so you don't know who it is and are less tempted. IDK haha.

Glad to see you are still doing good though. Keep it up!

Well I'm not saying that I'm totally over her. It's just that it didn't hurt me that much that she slept with some guy. And by her contacting me so often doesn't make me feel any better. When this happened before the maybe/what ifs came popping into my head, but that's not the case anymore. At the moment (maybe it's just a phase) I really feel that this relationship is over. I'm not saying that I don't love her anymore, because I still do and sometimes I still mis her. It's just that I finally see that this relationship is over and that I made a progress in the last week.

Thank you though for reminding me that she's playing mind games. It's easy to get your hopes up again and then you have to start all over again. That's one thing I definitely don't want to happen!

Oh and yeah it was a bit uncalled for she lying next to me haha.

I just think my ex girlfriend has no clue what to do. She told me she liked being free again, date/flirt with other people. But on the other side I just think she can't let me go at the moment. But what people said before, don't want to be with me exclusively. To be honest I don't really care at the moment. I'm glad that I'm making great progress and that I'm not falling for her mind games nor playing mind games myself (or am I by responding to her messages? ).

Like I said before, I can see my life without her again and I'm having loads of fun in my life again. Friends/family are telling me that they see glimpse of the old me and that I'm doing so much better. And that's a great thing to hear!

Oh, just received a message from HER parents! That she really misses me on her holiday and that she is crying a lot over me. Don't know what to do with this message. Should I just ignore it?

Yes.

Ignore-more mindgames-the only way to NOT be drawn in is

To ignore the entire family of players.

All right will do that.

Btw amicon, I love it how you always give a quick and a very good answer! In times like this, doubting to send a reply (or something else), a quick answer really helps! Thank you for that.

Thanks-we're probably in the same time zone?

So I'm awake when many others are asleep.. lol.

Good rule:Whatever they throw at you-when in doubt-DON'T.

Yes.

Ignore-more mindgames-the only way to NOT be drawn in is

to ignore the entire family of players.

Yea seriously, no wonder where she gets it from.

Remember, she dumped you so she could be "free" and she has not come back and said she fully wants to commit to you. She might never, she just likes the attention.

All that message says is that she misses you and is crying over you.. OK... we kindof already knew that, but in the end, that messages is alsoimplying she still doesn't want to be with you so in other words, she's not your problem. You are looking after yourself and what's best for you now, not what's best for her. She left you because she wanted space and now she's hurting, but still doesn't want you lol. Looks more like an ego hurt to me.

Ok here is a small update! I did not respond to the message from her parents a week ago . At the time it was not so hard to do, because she was far away. But when she came back from her holiday I felt a slight change in my emotion. I knew she was back and I wanted to talk to her about her vacation and other things, just an excuse to talk to her for a second. Fortunately I did not do this, I read the messages on this site and thanks to these messages I stayed strong and I continued NC. I have received a couple more messages from her which says – I miss you baby – or – I would like to fall asleep in your arms again and feel your lips again, it felt so great – All sweet messages, but none of the messages says she wants to be with me exclusively. So that's why I did not respond.

I'm thinking that if she sends me a message again I will reply something like – Okay, I do not want to have any contact with you. The only time you are allowed to send me a message is if you want to have a relationship with me again. Then we can talk to each other and even then I do not know if I want to be back with you again. Otherwise do not contact me atm – Is this a smart thing to do or should I do nothing?

Do nothing-no contact-remember?

I agree with amicon that you should probably just say nothing... but being who I am knowing that I was also unable to not respond to these things I say giving her a final "ultimatum" if you will may not be a bad idea. Granted I don't recall if you have already told her that you do not want to hear from her unless she wants to be with you. If you have already told her this do not respond. But if not I see no harm in telling her that and only that and leaving it where it is.

Either way good luck. You are making progress :)

Say and do nothing, why should you? Did you read YOUR own post? She is playing a mind game to suck you into a reaction to her actions. Same as before, so don't fall for it unless you have the guts to tell her to leave you alone, and then disappear.

Better yet, disappear any way and let her do the wondering. Maybe she sends her MAMA to find you!!

I say you should def not tell her anything... your still too emotionally involved, and you have already given her that ultimatium before. Continue on completely ignoring until your pretty much free from her which you are not... the goal here is to get over her for the most part which you are not yet. Do not give her another ultimatium should she show up at your house or room again lol... act indifferent, cut the conversation short, keep doing that until you can say your over her... if she stalks you like a crazy person again to get answers, she's only doing this for her own satisfaction, don't give it to her because you will feel worse if you do.

All right, thanks I won't send a message. You all were right I already gave her an ultimatum, so it has no use to give it again.

Small update:
It seems like my ex girlfriend wants to take over my best friends.. When she has nothing to do she sends them messages asking if they want to go out and have something to drink. Luckily I have great friends! They refused everything, talked with me about it and said that they just couldn't do it because they are MY friends. They want to support me and they think it is unacceptable to meet up and go out with her.

Yesterday I went out and I had an awesome time! For the first time she was not in my head when I was clubbing! Very happy about that. A lot of old friends of mine were at the club and it was great to see them again, made a couple appointments so we can start things over and hang out again. Also met a couple of new people who I had loads of fun with!
I am just really happy that she was not on my mind haha! :)

I had similar problem with my xgf of 5 years, once we broke up and I was doing NCR and ignoring her, she was always trying to talk to my friends on Facebook and all. Your not giving her an update and your not reacting to her contact so this is the only other thing she could do to get your attention. Its simply more games for her. I would also expect that she will have a boyfriend within the next 2 months seeing how weak she is, she won't be able to handle this alone and will need some sort of rebound.

@brent,
I wouldn't be surprised if she is already close to a rebound. From what I have heard she is already dating a couple of guys and I saw her yesterday and she was texting a lot to some dude (I will explain shortly how I saw this). When we were together and girls were dating multiple guys, flirting, kissing, dating and maybe even more, we were both like damn what a slut! Now she is doing this and I must say it hurts.

Now I will explain what happened yesterday. I was going out with some friends, met up with some girlfriends of her too. They told me she was going to an other club with some new friends of hers, which they hate so they wanted to hang out with me and my friends. Then we went out and after a hour or so, she came walking into the club all alone! So I have no clue why she didn't went to the other club, I did not wanted to ask that. But okay, I was having fun. Then she stood there the whole time with me and my friends.. I thought it was strange but I thought to myself just have fun. At the beginning everything went great, I had fun was dancing. I was doing crazy and she tried to dance with me a couple of times. I also noticed that sometimes we were looking for each other. Saw her thinking, okay he is over there, is he talking to some girl? No okay everything is all right. This happened a couple of times. But after a while I turned around to talk to someone else and I looked straight into her phone and saw that she was texting with some guy. I looked away as quickly as possible because I really did not want to see that. I was a bit distracted from that and then every time she was texting and I walked by she did all secretly hold her phone against her chest so nobody could see a thing. I really did not care about her texting to some guy, I already knew in a way that she would see or meet other guys. But in the way she acted I was starting to feel bad. I just missed the times we told each other everything, that we did not have any secrets for each other. Some feelings came back(luckily not all) and all the energy just flowed away from my body. I was feeling down again. Then a guy I knew asked if he could dance with her. I was like whatever man and they started dancing and I just could not watch it. They saw this too and stopped dancing. When I was feeling down she tried to cheer me up. Started to dance with me but it had no effect what so ever. After a couple of minutes she said she was going. I don't know why but I asked what she was about to do because I was about to leave and if I should walk with her to her home (stupid I know, very freaking stupid! ). First she told me she was going home but wanted to be alone, then I gave her the look like do not talk bull**** to me. Then she admitted she was going to someone or friends or something to eat, I don't know exactly. Then I went away, oh how I have learned a couple of things again this night. Again I went flat on my face. It seems the only way I can learn is to fail greatly. I thought I was a bit more over her, but to see her talk to some other guy is already making me feel jealous. Even her dancing with a couple of my friends (I know nothing would happen), I just hate to see. Damn, she even wasn't supposed to be there.

Now I am also wondering. What should I do when she walks in a club and I am there with my friends? I do not want to leave, because I want to have fun too. But I also can't handle her talking or dancing to some guy. So what should I do?

Also we would have gone on a city trip in a couple of weeks. I arranged everything, because it was for her birthday. The only thing, she booked it with her creditcard so everything is on her name. Now I just want it to be cancelled. Am I allowed to ask this? Also I am afraid that she is going with some guy over there and doing everything I had arranged for her. Thinking of this, hurts. Writing this down I already know what you guys think haha. Do not do anything and do not talk to her! If she is going somewhere what you have arranged with some other guy there is nothing you can do about it. Right? Just want to know your opinions on this all, your opinions are helping me out like crazy and is making me a lot stronger. Even though it seems I sometimes just have to fail from time to time to learn...

If you can't handle being in the same space-go somewhere else until you can.

She's playing you and you're letting her.

As for the trip,do you owe her money,or does she owe you money?

If you don't-ignore it.

You can't ask for anything to be cancelled-it's up to her what she does.

No experience is a failure if you learn something about yourself. Very clear this incident showed you that you still haven't taken full control of your own feelings, enough to not let feelings get in the way of facts.

When you can realize that, then next time you will stay out of what she is doing, and focus on what YOU are doing.


Saw her thinking, okay he is over there, is he talking to some girl? No okay everything is all right. This happened a couple of times.

This dumb statement should have shown you how powerful feelings can be. And your need to better understand, and cope with them.

You def did a couple of mistake here. Here what they are in my opinion
1)you asked where she was going and all when she was leaving
2)you let her see you sweat
3)you got a little noisy even if its by accident by looking at whose she's txting or dancing with

One of the points of no contact is to be able to get over her so that anything she does will not bother you the way they are now... so this should answer your questions, if she's there in public, don't stick around because look at what happened. You feel worse and you did not enjoy your night. I know it sucks but its what's necessary for now. Her little games finally got the best of you and she's probably on cloud 9 right now.
I think this calls for more serious no contact, you can't handle it, your far from over her right now, she's completely lost in life, she has no idea what she's doing, she's constantly playing games and all this will drive you crazy as long as you feel for her like you do now and have contact with her (including seeing her in public)... my advice if when you see her especially at a club you make an exit without it making it look like your running away.

T make you understand what I mean ill tell you about my experience.
With my girlfriend of 5 years, when we broke up, I stayed away from any hot spots becase I knew I was not ready to deal with anything. As a result, when I saw her 6 months later by accidentat a club, I was the cool one and she was the one crying her head off who couldn't handle it because I worked on myself and figured stuff out for myself such as improving myself and really accepting the relationship was over. Even when I saw her 1 month ago (a year and a half after we broke up) she was the one crying again and she has a boyfriend where I was the one who was calm and collected and wasn't phazed by it.

Another example is with a girl I had feelings for recently. She started with the mixed signals and all so I took about a month off from her and now I'm good. I don't read into anything she does, because I've accepted that she doesn't know hersel so how could I possibly know. Ive accepted that strong chance she's with other guys or another guy and there's no future for us (but I actually would not and never did want to go out with her lol). Last night she called me blocked number haha, but I'm not analyzing it or anything because I know its just another patter of crazyness. You can't make sense of it because they can't themselves. You have to go hardcore no contact here until you feel free from her.

Everyone messes up so its not the end of the world. You were doing so well and now time to get back on track that's all.

Nope, nobody owns anybody money. We were supposed to pay it when we were at the hotel.
And OK I will ignore it, can't do anything about it and I just have to accept this.

That's it-accepting it and keeping on moving on.

Yeah I def made some mistakes. Only the 3th one wasn't really my mistake. I just turned around, looked straight into her phone by accident and looked away as quickly as possible because I didn't even want to know who she was texting with. Every time I got close to her, she hold her phone against her chest like I was trying to read it, but I wasn't. That was the thing that made me feel bad, that we don't have the connection anymore and the ''I want it back'' feelings came back again.

Yes maybe it is the best option not to see her atm, even when I'm out with friends. I will probably go to different club when she walks in or something. My friends understand my feelings, they are really supportive, so they will understand when I ask them to go to a different club.

Now the situation feels like a small setback, but I know that in time this moment will make me stronger and will help me in the future to understand my own feelings.

By the way why is it that she's playing mind games with me? I just don't understand it.
You love me for 4+ years and now she's trying to make me feel bad with her games. What is it that makes her do these kind of things? Why does she thrives on this?

I just want to be able to understand it, as a life lesson, to learn how people are.

Life lessons are about you, and how you handle yourself, how you manage your feelings, and actions. How you make decisions for yourself. People are who they are, including you.

So it was you, playing mind games with YOURSELF.

And that's the life lesson to learn here. Own it, acknowledge it, and make the right adjustments to cope with it. Doesn't matter the motives, or actions of others, all that matters is how you handle it.

Yes I agree with Tal... who cares what the things she does means. If you let them bother you you are falling into an emotional bottomless pit. You wondering about what she was thinking means she is getting the best of you. Don't allow this, I find the best way to cope with it is to remember the reasons you do not want her around, the better things you are able to do now that she isn't holding you back, the people you get to meet without her.

And as you have said before. She still hasn't given any inclination that she wants to be with only you, so from my eyes anything she is doing is simply a way to try and keep you around. As you have seen from my situation, even when my ex came to me wanting to be back together with only me I refused since I had had time to reflect and realize that I had been great without her and finally started to realize some of the things that I didn't like about the relationship that I tolerated simply because I cared for her a great deal. With time I am sure you will find that there are things that you no longer have to deal with from her that you are glad you no longer have to even worry about. Once the emotions subside you will be able to see the relationship more rationally and realize what was and was not good about it.

The main thing is you should not be thinking about what she is thinking or anything like that. The whole point of not having contact is so you grow by yourself and accept that this relationship is over.

If it helps, she doesn't even know herself why she is acting the way she is, its become who she is now, she is someone who is lost and has lost her the way, judging by how she's been acting with you but none of this matters. She def doesn't know what she's doing so you can't possibly figure it out. Imagine being with sum1 who has no idea what she wants? Ud go crazy

Thank you for the replies, I couldn't answer them because I was busy with school. But now my exams are over and I have vacation!! (Vacation will be weird with having so much free time, but I've found some new potential hobbie's to try out. Hopefully that will work)

Here's an update from my week: Monday and Tuesday were hard for me, she was in my mind a lot because I saw her that weekend! Even in my dreams! I hate dreaming of her, everything is nice and all right in my dream and then you wake up and you have nothing. So that was a tough pill to swallow. Also it seems like I can't get a break from her. For example I go to the gym at times she never works out, but one way or another she is always there lol. She knows I work out during those times and then she shows up. I try to stay cool during those times. Just say hi and move on and when she comes talking to me I just say I have to exercise again. So that I have minimal contact with her. This happened on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, really weird.
Yesterday the first part of the day was awful! Don't know what I had, but I was crying like crazy! I just pampered myself and in the evening I went out with my friends. It was absolutely great! I had a lot of fun with my friends and the girls were all over me. I don't know what it was, but I was on fire haha. A couple girls asked me to go to her place, I refused because I don't think I'm ready for that. But then on my way home I felt extremely lonely again! Lying in my bed, all alone. Normally she would be there next to me, really awful feeling. Today waking up, again I was feeling lonely.. Listened to some songs we used to like, it actually made me feel a bit better. Just pampered myself again today and tonight I'm going out again with some friends.

Just wanted to get this of chest. This wasn't my best week, but it's normal to have a setback once in a while... Right?

'' I find the best way to cope with it is to remember the reasons you do not want her around, '' Yes I know, but I'm not there yet. When I see her or think of her I just think ''Damn girl you are beautiful!'' or I think of how much fun she is to be around... I have to say in the last couple of days I started to think more about her bad habits, but at the moment I just think of how much I love her...

Perfectly normal that you feel like **** even after you starting feeling better... its a rollercoaster ride the first couple of weeks and months... just think of it this way, the first 2 weeks you probably never felt good where now sometimes you're good and sometimes bad, so that's the improvement... with more time away from her and working on yourself and seeing how she's not the same girl she was when she was with you, youl be in a better position... just easier said than done