My girlfriend of 6 months works at a brothel bar.
She is absolutely gorgeous!
She is a student and gets a good pay (cash in hand) and works 1 or 2, 14hr shifts a week. She gets a big chunk of cash at the end.
She used to be a working girl for 1 year about 2 years before she started working the bar. (She would never go back to that.)
She stopped working there soon after we started dating as I said I didn't like it but has since returned due to money matters as a student.

I'm having a lot of trouble dealing with her being there.

I was hoping for some advice as to how I can deal with certain issues.

1. ENERGY: I can't handle thinking about the type of energy she is receiving (being of a purely sexual nature) from the customers. She is the first contact for the guys and the one that serves them their drinks and has a friendly chat with them. She would very obviously get propositioned a few times a night. She brings drinks into the rooms and deals with the laundry. Again, this girl is stunning and would be sexier, more elegant and off limits (more attractive) than most the other girls there.

2. SAFETY: There is no security. She has to kick people out and deal with breaking up fights and drunks that won't leave.

3. TRUST: I trust her. She is completely honest with me. But I can't help thinking that she enjoys the attention and energy she is getting. I could be wrong but finding it difficult to believe otherwise... who doesn't like attention? (she has been a working girl... )

4. LISTENING: I have told her I don't like to hear about anything that goes on there. Yet she continues to tell me stories, negative and positive, about the girls there and how happy she is when she returned.

My gut churns at the very thought of that place, the people and the environment.

I gave her an ultimatum as I just can't handle thinking about her working in that environment, surrounded by that energy, focused on by guys that are in there for just that ONE thing... Getting there sexual needs met.


She said she would NOT change her job (regardless of how I feel about it) as she enjoys the freedom the money gives her... the girls are her friends, she can relate to them, the bar girls are fun to be around and are a medium between 'real life' and working there and the environment is hyped, fun, loud and exciting.
She eventually said she would entertain the idea of finding another job but basically doesn't want to as she can get as many, or few, shifts as she wants, the money is great and she enjoys the social aspect.
She said she wants control in her life. She wants to travel and this would be the only way she can until she finishes study in 1, 2, 3 or 4 years (if she decides to complete.)


Right...

So should I just be OK with it?
Is it just my insecurities?
Am I trying to bully her into something she doesn't want to do?
Is she being selfish?
Why does her decision completely overrule my feelings?. no matter how strong. Is that fair?
How do I separate her past as a working girl (and the things she got up to) and being in that environment now? (my imagination is creative and its nearly impossible to stop my train of thought)
Is this being fair on me? (the previous boyfriend couldn't do it either)

We have been COMPLETELY in love over the last 6 months.
She is THE sweetest girl, patient, gentle, honest and caring.
We are absolutely beautiful together and I can't bare to give this up.
She loves me and wants to continue being with me as long as I can handle her being there.

Help!!

Thank you so much for any SUBSTANTIAL advice.

You knew where she worked when you started dating.

Would you quit a well-paying job that you enjoyed just because she asked you to? I am serious here--if you had a job that you just LOVED, and the money was really good--would you HONESTLY believe that she trusted you if she asked you to leave the job and to never talk about it?

You do NOT trust her. If you did, you would have faith in her, and you wouldn't be demanding that she change for you.

Is it fair that she calls the shots? Well, it wouldn't be if she started the job AFTER you started dating. But she had the job first.

You need to either have faith in her and get over it, or both of you need to move on.

If I worked in a brothel... had been a prostitute before and met the girl of my dreams that loved ME but not the place that I worked, because I was surrounded by very blatant sexual energy from females all night long... asking me to sleep with them, flirting with me etc. I would personally be very sympathetic towards her if she had just had enough of me being there. She has spoken to me with love and understanding but just can't accept it as a part of her life... I think I would do everything I can to find another job... take slightly less pay and work in an average environment to know that my partner was feeling proud, happy and supportive of me.

I understand and appreciate your response and approach. I will think about it some more.

You keep reference "energy" do you believe in some special force or power from others that will effect her ?

I'm concerned about the type of people she is surrounded by. Drunken arseholes, high perverted tweekers, aggressive violent gangsters, unsatisfied sex addicts, depressed husbands guiltily cheating on their wives. The 'special force' that is effecting her is the emotions people are surrounded by. She puts on a 'front' and that effects her in her life whether she wants it to or not. She is being effected subconsciously all the time. Predators are aggressive and persistent and as soon as she lets her guard down they strike. I trust her... that's not the problem. The problem is that I care about her and there is nothing I can do to change her mind about that environment being so unhealthy.

If she were a police officer, minister, psychologist, counselor, etc. and dealing with those same types of people would you be asking her to give up her job?

She tries to talk about it to relieve the stress that can build up and affect her negatively, but you don't want to hear about it. You can give her support and understanding, but are you? Are you more concerned about wanting her to do what you want?

You state that she tried giving it up early in the relationship for you. However, it is a job that suits her needs for the moment. It is a stable job with good pay where she can set her schedule. For a student with changing needs each semester that is a huge perk.

You have only been dating her for six months. It is really too soon to know if it is lasting love or fleeting lust. If you can't accept her the way she was when you met her and are only with her for what you can change her into, then perhaps it isn't love or lust but a Pygmalion Complex (think My Fair Lady) or a desire to save her from herself.

... I gave her an ultimatum as I just can't handle thinking about her working in that environment, surrounded by that energy, focused on by guys that are in there for just that ONE thing..... Getting there sexual needs met. ... Thank you so much for any SUBSTANTIAL advice.


Do you consider "substantial" advice to be advice you like?

At any rate you lost me at the "ultimatum" part. I am amazed that you issue ultimatums to her and she (and she seems to be strong and focused) is still with you.

Long story short - I worked at a bikini bar. My boyfriend didn't like it. He had no reason not to trust me. The money was fantastic and I supported myself and paid for school without working my fingers to the bone, 12 hours a day, in a cubicle somewhere. Did I mention that my boyfriend didn't like it?

He gave me an ultimatum. I found a new boyfriend.

Posters Rant deleted by moderators

No need to be so disrespectful. You cannot tell people how to respond to your question on a public forum. Also, I see that everyone here HAS given intelligent, substantial advice. You just don't want to hear it. You seem to be looking for validation rather than advice.

I'm going to echo everyone here and say that if you cannot accept this woman for who she was merely six months ago (and who she remains today), then you ought to be breaking it off with her and finding someone whose lifestyle matches your desires.

Also, how old are you both?

Okay, you are apt to offend people with that attitude---and YOU cannot choose who responds.

If you want specific advice, go pay a professional. If you want FREE advice, you get the volunteers here that you get.

Insulting people only makes enemies and loses respect---and gets your posts deleted. Back down from that RIGHT NOW.

And frankly--we've given you intelligent advice.

Here's some more: Get counseling to get over your control issues. If she is happy in her job, why should YOUR happiness come before HERS? Why can't YOU just be happy that SHE has a great job that she loves and that pays well?

It's because you do NOT trust her. If you DID trust her, you would worry about her, but encourage her to be happy in her job.

This is about YOUR self-esteem. It's about YOU--it's NOT about what her job is, it's about what YOU want to change.

She had this job when you met her. You KNEW what her choice was when you started dating. Dating doesn't give you the right to try to change her.

Either accept that she enjoys her job and get over yourself, or admit that your ego can't take it and leave.

You haven't offered one piece of SUBSTANTIAL advice besides telling me something I already know and have already said doesn't work!

Go rant somewhere else Lufonda !


Intelligent advice only please!!!

What do you consider 'intelligent' advice?

Your choices boil down to support her decisions that she made long before she met you or get out of the relationship and find someone who has a job and lifestyle that you can support.

One point you seem to be missing is that she is probably less likely to have issues than the woman who works in an office and is chased by every 'Office Romeo' on the staff. Talk to some women who work in more traditional places and you will find the same type of stories. It isn't limited to the blatantly sexual businesses.

Are you going to demand she give up landscaping because some of the contractors or clients hit on her?

You are very much out of line. No one put you down. I only know you, her and your relationship from what YOU'VE posted. I don't have to put you down.

You did a real good job yourself.

I was telling you how strong women react when given ultimatums by weak, ego-driven men.

You turned it into a name calling fest. And your problem with me posting 30,000 times is.. (Apparently reading is also not one of your strong points; I haven't posted 30,000 times.) I am, once again, amused that someone who is posting personal problems on a Q&A board is questioning the advice given by people who are NOT posting their problems on a Q&A board. Go figure.

After reading your name calling I would suggest you spend less time working on how to change your girlfriend and more time trying to change yourself, hopefully for the better.

Ok, take a breath and see it as plain facts, there is no good thing on here if you can't accept her work.

She was a hooker from what I can tell by your posts at one point, works in the sex trade industry in a position that could or may be non sex related.

If you can't accept this, sorry but move on, You are not going to find a choir girl to go to chicken dinners after church, in strip joints and bars. You have what and the type of girl you were dating, and now want something different. It does not work that way

NOTE:, your report has been reviewed, your post does not violate any rule and will not be deleted. You should have taken more time to review the site rules.