View Full Version : Should I bear all this?
troubled_104_04
May 18, 2011, 11:30 AM
I am in a serious relationship since last 5 years. And over the years my boyfriend's possesiveness and his wish to control me has grown.it has become abusive too.. since a year or something... but since we are very serious about each other.. I don't want to leave him... and one more to why I cannot leave him is that I am scared of him... of him doing something to me and my family... and I am well aware of the fact that he has such power.. that he can affect us..
But at the same time... I am not able to bear his possesiveness now... he wants me to do whatever he says... he wishes that I wear clthes according to his choice and talk to people whom he want me to talk to.. he does not let me talk to any guy... I had some male friends.. he askd me to end d friendship and like a fool I did..
I am not able to decide what to do... if I think of leaving him.. at the same time my mind knows that I cannot be happy even after that as he will always be after my life..
Though I love him... and this love has kept us in this relationship since 5 years... now its getting worse and I am not able to handle it..
He loves me too.. and I just.. somehow want this to waork out with him and change him completely...
Please suggest...
smoothy
May 18, 2011, 11:48 AM
Walk away... this is not at all a healthy relationship. Nobody should have to deal with someone like that. This is mental abuse.
You don't "love" him. You are accustomed to being with him. Unless you are a masochist, you can't love someone that treats you like a slave or possession rather than a partner.
And as you have seen... it only gets worse. He's NOT going to wake up one day and stop.
You aren't going to change him. And why would you want to. Good people don't behave like he does. Good guys don't dictate who to see, talk to , or what to wear.
Leave before this turns into physical abuse. I would also make sure others close to you are aware of this. In case anything does happen, the police will know who to go after.
troubled_104_04
May 18, 2011, 11:57 AM
Thanks for answering..
When I talk to him about this.. he says he wants to keep me protected and stuff..
I know I should walk away... but I don't know why am I not able to do this..
It hurts even to think of it..
Is running away the only option?
Would any kind of counselling help?
Wondergirl
May 18, 2011, 12:05 PM
would any kind of counselling help?
Of course it would. Will you go, though?
smoothy
May 18, 2011, 12:06 PM
Step one... run away and don't look back. Before it turns physical. Because in all seriousness... it might.
Step two would be getting counseling so you don't allow yourself to get into this position a second time.
He doesn't care about "protecting" you. That's a really bad lie. He wants to completely control you. Who appointed him to be the grand protector anyway? And who said his judgement is flawless and that you lack good judgement. Because that's exactly what he implied when he said that
troubled_104_04
May 18, 2011, 12:10 PM
Thanks.. but right now I feel I can just sit and cry... thats all m capable of doing!
I don't know whts going to happen!
smoothy
May 18, 2011, 12:15 PM
Its going to hurt for a little while. Then you are going to feel a great weight being lifted off your back... and wonder why you put up with it for this long.
You stand a chance to get away from this unharmed. There are members (or WERE at least) members of this board that had far worse happen before they were able to break away.
troubled_104_04
May 18, 2011, 12:20 PM
Actually I didn't tell the whole truth... its not that easy..
I was feeling like I should not share it but now I think I should..
I lost my virginity to him!
And that's quite alottttt!!
Its means the world to me.. it feels like m married.. n leaving him and moving on are not even on mi options list sometimes..
smoothy
May 18, 2011, 12:24 PM
That changes nothing. He doesn't own you. My advice does not change at all.
troubled_104_04
May 18, 2011, 12:26 PM
Thank you so much..
At least I don't feel like committing suicide (as I was feeling before) after reading this !
smoothy
May 18, 2011, 12:28 PM
Don't do that... few people find their first love turn out to be who they thought they were.
They learn from their mistakes and make better choices the next time. I know very few people who can say they never dated a total loser at some point. I've dated a few of the female variety before I finally met my wife.
Wondergirl
May 18, 2011, 12:29 PM
*taking your hand*
Okay, let's get away from him. We'll be with you every step of the way. What can you do first?
troubled_104_04
May 18, 2011, 12:32 PM
You tell me.. wht should I do first..
Stop talking to him on phone?
smoothy:
Yes, you are right... but its just a matter of difference in thinking...
Though right now I can't even think of another man... I feel like even if I leave him... I'll be single all my life... it may change with time..
Wondergirl
May 18, 2011, 12:35 PM
you tell me..wht should i do first..?
stop talking to him on phone?
First, find a counselor. Today. Are you in the U.S.
troubled_104_04
May 18, 2011, 12:37 PM
Nope..
But.. I will find a counselor.. real soon..
mmresd
May 18, 2011, 12:39 PM
Let me allow you to read this poem:
""If you think that you are defeated, you are
If you think that you do not dare,
you shall not do it
If you think that you would like to win
But that you cannot, you shall not win
Because in the world you will find that
Success begins with the will of man.
If you think that you will lose,
you have already lost
It’s all in the mental state
Because many races have been lost
Before they were run
And many cowards have failed
Before having begun their work
Think big and your deeds shall grow
Think small and you shall remain behind;
You must think well to elevate yourself,
It’s all in the mental state.
If you think you are ahead you are
You must think well to elevate yourself
You must be sure of yourself,
Before attempting to win a prize
The battle of life is not always won
By the man who is strongest or quickest,
Because sooner or later the man who
Wins is he who believes he can."
Dr. Christian Barnard"
Therefore, how do you expect to be able to accomplish leaving him if you yourself see it as such an impossible task. Look at this positively, gather some courage, and leave him, he does not love you, and you are living in fear of him, that is not a relationship, is a kidnapping. So go with your family and flee from this guy, dial the authorities in case he tries to do something dumb.
Good Luck,
Javi
smoothy
May 18, 2011, 12:40 PM
you tell me..wht should i do first..?
stop talking to him on phone?
Don't call him,text him, email him, PM him... write letters to him, wave to him from the street, pass messages through others... leave messages on Facebook. Or answer any that he might send.
Basically... NO CONTACT, ignore the fact he is even alive. You have to do this cold turkey. And if he threatens you call the police.
DON'T even think about finding another guy yet... get over this one first. When you honestly feel " how could I have put up with this abuse for so long " in your heart... then its time.
Wondergirl
May 18, 2011, 12:42 PM
nope..
but..i will find a counselor..real soon..
I'm retired and here all day, so will be waiting for your report that you found someone. Be sure to let us know so I don't have a nervous breakdown.
Now, what about dealing with whats-his-name?
troubled_104_04
May 18, 2011, 12:44 PM
Wondergirl:
Yeah.. will surely let you know..
Whatever his name is
I really don't want that name in my life..!
I can't think of another guy ever..!
*current status!
smoothy
May 18, 2011, 12:46 PM
i can't think of another guy ever..!!
*current status!
You will in time. Its too early to even consider it right now. Most guys aren't like him.
Wondergirl
May 18, 2011, 12:47 PM
i can't think of another guy ever..!!
*current status!
Are you younger than 92?
troubled_104_04
May 18, 2011, 12:48 PM
I am 1992..!
Wondergirl
May 18, 2011, 12:58 PM
i am 1992..!!
I meant 92 years old. If you're younger than that, another man will interest you someday. No hurry. Born in 1992? For sure, that will happen.
Maybe I'm psychic? 1992, 92.
Just Looking
May 18, 2011, 12:58 PM
I'll join Wondergirl and Smoothy in their support. Do you have friends or family nearby? One way to protect yourself is to turn to those you trust. He's less likely to do anything with others present, plus they can help you find the courage to leave.
troubled_104_04
May 18, 2011, 01:02 PM
Yeah.. psychic!
Anyway thank you all for making me relax... n finding me a way!
smoothy
May 18, 2011, 01:04 PM
Just do it... and don't go back or look back. It hurts worst at first... and it does get easier with time.
troubled_104_04
May 18, 2011, 01:06 PM
There's a huge difference between saying and doing..
But its about my whole life.. I will do it... if not today..
Tomorrow definitely... let me gather some courage !
Wondergirl
May 18, 2011, 01:09 PM
*sending you a ton of courage*
*scattering confetti and sparkles in your path*
Do you live together? (sorry if I missed reading that, if you posted it)
troubled_104_04
May 18, 2011, 01:13 PM
no.. we do not live together
Wondergirl
May 18, 2011, 01:15 PM
Is he at work now? Will you see him later -- or are supposed to see him later? Do you live at home or in your own apartment?
I'm in Chicago, and it's 3:15 p.m.
troubled_104_04
May 18, 2011, 01:16 PM
I live at home
And yes.. he works.
No we are not talking due to a fight!
Wondergirl
May 18, 2011, 01:18 PM
What usually happens when you two have a fight? No talking for a few days? He contacts you to kiss and make up?
troubled_104_04
May 18, 2011, 01:20 PM
no.. rather I do that..
I keep calling him.. he doesn't answer most of the times..
And after some days I say sorry and everything becomes okay
Wondergirl
May 18, 2011, 01:21 PM
What would happen if you didn't call him or apologize? (Do you hear me urgently whispering, "Stop communicating!!!")
Sumitkumar7266
May 18, 2011, 10:56 PM
Hey.. You should stop the relationship ASAP.If you will not take the step now you will always be unhappy.. You lost virginty,that doesn't mean that you should stay with the guy who controls you.. Many will come in your life and you will find the real love.. You will be always his slave if you will not move on now.. He does not know the meaning of love too.. 5 years I was also in a relation and I have too gone through the pain and after that also I girl dumped me but I let her go.. Love is an internal feeling.. It will get worst if someone try to bind others.. and he is doing the same.. I bet you if you will leave him,you will be able to forget him.. You stopped the friendship with others because he told you.That is the worst you did to you and them.. What was the fault of the guys who was your friends.. There is always a way to get out of any relationship.. No need to run from him.. Be strong.. It seems you are very coward.. Try to find someone who also loves you and can protect you from him.. I am sorry,I am harsh but this you should do.. Don't waste your feeling for the person who don't love you.. If someone will love you,they need only you and nothing else,they will accept you if you have lost your virginity too.. but he is demanding and asking you to stop friendship.. Don't think also to commit anything and don't do any harm to yourself.. Enjoy your life with your friends and the one who loves you.. Crying will not help you.. Be strong.. All the best..
amicon
May 18, 2011, 11:14 PM
Find the courage and find the support to get out of this relationship.
It's not healthy,it's most likely to get worse-it seems it's already eating away at your selfesteem!
Find a counselor-someone to talk to-asap.
talaniman
May 20, 2011, 04:30 PM
A 20 year old who has been with a guy for 5 years, needs a break just to see what good healthy, adult relationships look like. Its not about changing a partner to be what you want, its about how well you work together, so you can grow together. In spite of your individual flaws.
Do you not have dreams of a life and career? Is he all the life you can think of? Can you even make it on your own without him? What do your parents think of this fellow? What does your culture say about this relationship.