Well, here’s my story and I really need advice. I have seen the advice given on so many post here, and would be so grateful, if you would be so kind to read this and let me know what you think.

I am married for 18 years. To a wonderful man. Caring, unselfish and shows concern for any pain or ache I may have. He never wants me to have a problem or ever be sad. Problem #1 is we have sex maybe 4 times a YEAR. Yes, YEAR. His choice not mine. Although, now it is my choice as well. As I no longer want him to touch me, as I just am too hurt.

I am drowning in my own sadness and deep resentment towards him. My husband likes to be the funny man. Loves to make the girls laugh. Especially when I am there. This has gone on my whole marriage. In the earlier years, I would express to him, how is obvious flirting (whispering in a ladies ear, “let’s get a hotel room together), hurts me. I would not holler or get mad, I would tell him how it hurts. I used to not trust my husband as far as cheating. Now I guess I do, but am at the point I really don’t care. I have heard voice messages from women, with sexual overtones in them, that just has made me loose all respect for him. I am now unable to become aroused by him, as I feel he has lost the right to touch me with his disrespect to me. Has he cheated on me? Well, he is so lazy and says cheating takes so much effort, but my gut tells me that he had, but I no longer look for evidence as I used to. I have realized this is very unhealthy for me.

To be very truthful, he and I are friends. We laugh and do get a long. He is a bit controlling but not overbearing. I do so much for his family and used to do it out of love, but now I find myself doing it because I have to and just be so resentful inside. I am angry and hurt.

You may suggest counseling, they may be a good idea. But to be quite honest, I have given so much, more than I wrote here, I really don’t feel like giving anymore. I love him but I am not in love with him. We are very different people. Very. I love romantic walks, he likes to observe the world and reveal how everyone in it is a asshol* and proceeds me to want to adopt his thinking.

I never ever want to hurt him. But I find myself not as pleasant with him. I have grown a great deal from the “girl” that he married. I am now a “woman”, one that is deserving to be loved AND respected.



What do you think?

I've seen this a lot. Espcially at the stage you are in your marriage.

Quite frankly lots of deal breakers there.


I stronglu urge - INSIST on marriage counseling and see - if that doesn't work well. I strongly feel you'd be happier in a differnet relationship.

" we have sex maybe 4 times a YEAR. " - deal breaker in my book. Why be married - it's [art of it and actually VERY unhealhty to go through that - emotially and physically. It's a need.

Cousleing is the option you must do this tomorrow!! Se up an appointment.

+ if you have that guy insinct about them, well, everyone here knows my feelings on women's gut insincts... they about 98% of the time accurate.

You need some major changes in your life. Major. Start them today. Tell him tonight you two need major counseling.

I hope he is a good listener - if not - move on.

Wildcat21-

Thank you for taking the time and for your advice. I really do appreciate it. WoW, I thought it was me. Your so right, 4 x a year is a HUGE problem. I used to initiate all the time, only to hear he is tired. Really doesn't make you feel good at all. Then finally I just stopped trying and didn't even care.

All his guy friends tell him how lucky he is to have me and how beautiful I am (not that that matters), he takes money out of his pocket and says, here, I'll pay you to take her. It really hurts.

When we are home, he is always saying thank you for all I do and how lucky he is that I am his wife and he is very considerate of me. There are great things about the marriage.

I will definitely talk to him. I am so afraid though. Every time I try to talk about things, he always says "where is all this coming from this Dr. Phil nonsense."

My problem is I am going to need a strong desire to talk to him in order to withstand him
possibly just brushing it off as nonsense.

He does say to me, that he knows he doesn't pay enough attention to me (meaning sex), but it's just that he is so stressed and tired (which he does do a lot for his family)

Thank you again.

“love him but I am not in love with him.”

I was married for twenty years, I loved my guy and he loved me. But I was dealing with fallout from my childhood and he was dealing with being a soldier and being seriously injured in Northern Ireland twice. We called it a day in 19 90. Divorced in 1991. Still very good friends. I love him but I am not in love with him.

There are different types of love. But I have one rule… When The bad times outweigh the good times, it's time to call a halt

You can still care for him - but you don't need to be his doormat.

What you have is not a marriage. Divorce him and make him your friend.

Bluerose,

Thank you for your response as well. Sorry you went through a tough time too. Bluerose, in a way I do want out. But in a way I don't. He would be floored beyond measure if he knew how much I have grown inside.

My childhood was difficult, and it was he who helped me to get strong. His love. How could I turn and walk away from that. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I should just be grateful. I am so upset.

I went to a priest a long time ago for advise and believe it or not, the priest said the same thing to separate.

But he really worries about me. If I am sick, he stops the world for me. If I am frieghtened, he moves whatever it is out of my way. Maybe I expect too much.

It is just hard for me the girls all around him. The constant sexual jokes in front of me. The cell phone calls from some of the girls. The cell phone calls have stopped but I only think it is because I said something.

I am starting to speak up more but this is all new to him. There is so much good about him, but I am an extremely passionate and romantic soul and he is the complete opposite.
I just was so broken when I met him, but I am no longer, or perhaps I am but now it is do to not feeling loved as a wife.

Sorry if I am going on and on.

I cherish the both of you for answering me. Thank you.

You are not 'going on', you are getting a very good point across.

He sounds like a nice person who just doesn't know that some of his actions are upsetting you. You sound quite strong. Ask to have a chat with him, tell him how you feel. Tell him you love him but that you have grown and can no longer accept some of his behaviour. He needs to know you are serious. And if he really cares about you he will take it onboard and be prepared to make a few changes. And even if he can't 'behave' you at least have been open and honest. So the next step should be no surprise to him.

We must change the tone of our voice, we must pay attention to out body language if we want others to take us seriously.

Thank you again Bluerose.

I am strong inside, because I think I reached my limit of tolerance. But you are right again, when I do speak up to him when something is bothering me, it comes out so soft and can barely be heard, almost in an apolgetic way.

I tell myself, that no one is perfect and no marriage is perfect and I should be grateful for what I have. But I feel so sad inside and I am no longer the "catering to" kind of wife. I still do all the stuff I used to do, but now I do let him know when things bother me. I no longer, I guess hang on every word.

There is more. When we go out, he never ever ever knows when enough is enough. He just keeps drinking until its time to go home. So we don't go out anymore.

Gosh, sure do have a lot I need to word on. It gets overwhelming and depressing.

Am I asking or wanting too much. There are wives out there and husbands to I guess, who don't get nearly the support I do with things.

I think it all comes down to really talking with him. But am I asking him to change who he is. Is that fair?



Thank you again.

I am married for 18 years. To a wonderful man. Caring, unselfish and shows concern for any pain or ache I may have. He never wants me to have a problem or ever be sad. Problem #1 is we have sex maybe 4 times a YEAR. Yes, YEAR. His choice not mine. Although, now it is my choice as well. As I no longer want him to touch me, as I just am too hurt.

Well I’m assuming he’s healthy and doesn’t have any medical conditions that are preventing more than sex 4 times a year. If you haven’t asked yet demand that he see a doctor. If it’s not a medical condition than the reality is the marriage needs to end.

Let’s be honest, marriage is a sexual relationship. There are other aspects to a marriage but at the end of the day it’s a committed sexual relationship. It sounds like you have a roommate and not a marriage. If your only have sex 4 times a year then the marriage is over. There’s no connection. There’s nothing unique that makes this a marriage. You yourself say you don’t even care anymore. It sounds like he hasn’t cared for some time so why bother continuing this.


I am drowning in my own sadness and deep resentment towards him.

I have a little saying that I repeat a lot and I think it applies here. That is “I’d rather be alone and happy then be with someone and be miserable.”


My husband likes to be the funny man. Loves to make the girls laugh. Expecially when I am there. This has gone on my whole marriage. In the earlier years, I would express to him, how is obvious flirting (whispering in a ladies ear, “let’s get a hotel room together), hurts me. I would not holler or get mad, I would tell him how it hurts. I used to not trust my husband as far as cheating. Now I guess I do, but am at the point I really don’t care. I have heard voice messages from women, with sexual overtones in them, that just has made me loose all respect for him.

I am now unable to become aroused by him, as I feel he has lost the right to touch me with his disrespect to me. Has he cheated on me? Well, he is so lazy and says cheating takes so much effort, but my gut tells me that he had, but I no longer look for evidence as I used to. I have realized this is very unhealthy for me.

Well nobody can say for sure but it doesn’t sound favorable towards him that’s for sure. But you should ALWAYS listen to you gut instinct. Your heart can fool you, your brain can make excuses, but your gut instinct is always 100% correct.

As you say you don’t even care anymore. The love is gone. It just doesn’t sound like it’s worth holding onto something that fizzled out some time ago.


To be very truthful, he and I are friends. We laugh and do get a long. He is a bit controlling but not overbearing. I do so much for his family and used to do it out of love, but now I find myself doing it because I have to and just be so resentful inside. I am angry and hurt.

You may suggest councelling, they may be a good idea. But to be quite honest, I have given so much, more than I wrote here, I really don’t feel like giving anymore. I love him but I am not in love with him. We are very different people. Very. I love romantic walks, he likes to observe the world and reveal how everyone in it is a asshol* and proceeds me to want to adopt his thinking.

I never ever want to hurt him. But I find myself not as pleasant with him. I have grown a great deal from the “girl” that he married. I am now a “woman”, one that is deserving to be loved AND respected.



What do you think?
I think you just hit on something. When you got married he was a boy, you were a girl and you grew into a woman. He stayed the same. You’ve grown and changed and he never left. I think that’s why you can like him as a friend without being that upset. His core qualities are still the same but he has no depth. You still like the core just not the rest of him. You on the other hand have the core qualities but you added more depth to who you are and what you want from him, life, and even yourself. You grew and expanded and he stayed the same.

You are very welcome. Interesting topic.

See, we don't need to hate them to not be able to live with them. We can outgrow each other.

I'm the oldest of five grown kids, I love them all so much but if I had to spend more than a few days with any one of them, we would end up killing each other!

Do you have children?

“I think it all comes down to really talking with him. But am I asking him to change who he is. Is that fair?”

You are not asking him to change. You are making him aware of something that upsets you. It's up to him whether he wants to do anything about it or not.

“Am I asking or wanting too much. There are wives out there and husbands to I guess, who don't get nearly the support I do with things.”

I did the “What have I got to complain about? There are a lot of people a lot worse off than me.” I felt so guilty about some of my thoughts. But We were hurting each other and not helping each other any more. Something needed to change or we would end up hating each other and we did not want that. So we talked. And we divorced. Divorced around 15 years and he still comes around to do the Santa bit. And he helps me with the young grandson I have living with me. I don't know what I would do without him.

“There is more. When we go out, he never ever ever knows when enough is enough. He just keeps drinking until its time to go home. So we don't go out anymore.”

Talk to him, tell him how you feel.

Thank you as well Chuff.

Wow. I guess when I say " I don't even care". What I really mean is, I feel so beaten down as far as that goes, I don't have the energy anymore that I once did in getting myself all twisted up about it. But I do care. I just don't want to know, because of the hurt. I am not sure I can withstand any more hurt.

I have no doubt in my mind if he loves me or not. He does. But I don't feel it's a love that you should have of a wife. He loves me, wants to take care of me, but I don't think he wants to "share" with me. If that makes sense. Share as married people do.

I came to him so broken, and he is a caretaker, I just want to now be loved for the woman that I am not the girl I was. And I don't think he wants that.

I thank all of you so much. I am brokenhearted over all of this. But I will take all of your words and give it much thought.

I have to do something because this isn't fair to him either.

Thank you.

No Bluerose no children.

I just wondered, if you had children, how did they feel about all this. I have three grown children and after the divorce they were hurt no doubt. But they have children of their own now and we all do fine. I just didn't want to end up hating him - he didn't deserve that.

Tell him you want to have a serious chat and tell him how you feel. Good luck and be happy.

Thank you as well Chuff.

Not a problem. I'm happy to offer some outsider perspective.




I have to do something becuase this isn't fair to him either.



I agree this isn't fair to him but he doesn't sound like he's been fair with you either. Just don't go beating yourself up over this is what I'm saying and placing blame on yourself where there is no need to place blame.

Thank you all so very much. You are all so kind. And I am so scared to have this talk.
I think he takes it very hard, that no matter how I word it, it will still be heard to him as, "he has failed". And that is what I don't want. But I think for both of our happiness
I really need to to this.

Thanks Chuff, I guess I was beating myself up. Your right. I just feel wrong inside for wanting things right.

Thank you again very much.

I just wondered, if you had children, how did they feel about all this. I have three grown children and after the divorce they were hurt no doubt. But they have children of their own now and we all do fine. I just didn't want to end up hating him - he didn't deserve that.

Tell him you want to have a serious chat and tell him how you feel. Good luck and be happy.


Thanks Bluerose.

After 18 years, I think the lack of sex is a symptom of a greater problem and it takes honest communication to find out what it is. If a couple cannot communicate on that level then a third party may be able to help. If he will not go you should go alone to try to identify the problem and figure out a solution. I would also suggest a break from him as a chance to think without his influence or pressure. A vacation of sorts. A chance to be yourself and do what you please in peace. Bet you've never had one ever. Its nice to take care of one you love but you must also take care of yourself first.

Talaniman,

Thank you. I know what you are saying is perfectly true and the best thing to do. The lack of sex has been for years. It always bothered me, but I just never said anything. But it is a sign, I think of bigger problems. You are right.

Having a talk, and getting away to think, it exactly what is needed. But do I have the courage to make it happen. Can I get the words out and then be able to deal with his reaction of hurt and anger and more than likely putdowns. I will have to decide to stay like I am, which is no good for anyone, or find it in me to do what needs to be done.

Taliman, this is exactly the advice the priest gave me years ago. To separate temporarily.

He compliments me everyday about my appearance, and is attentive to me when we are at home, I do wait on him hand and foot, but I love doing that and he does appreciate it.

I do also notice that he is a lot nicer to me when he knows he is going to have a heavy night of drinking (which he does on the weekend at home), versus, if he is trying not to drink, then he isn't so nice all the time. More impatient. This is going to sound awful, but as long as I do what he says, (take his advice ) do what he wants (things for his Mom), life is pretty darn good minus the lack of sex, which is just awful.

He is an incredible son to his Mother. Incredible. I help out there as well.

Truth is, I don't think he respects me as his wife and I do feel me not be strong in years past, contributed to this.

Sorry, I seem to be all over the place.

Thank you again for your time and great advice.

I have a little saying that I repeat a lot and I think it applies here. That is “I’d rather be alone and happy then be with someone and be miserable.”


I think you just hit on something. When you got married he was a boy, you were a girl and you grew into a woman. He stayed the same. You’ve grown and changed and he never left. I think that’s why you can like him as a friend without being that upset. His core qualities are still the same but he has no depth. You still like the core just not the rest of him. You on the other hand have the core qualities but you added more depth to who you are and what you want from him, life, and even yourself. You grew and expanded and he stayed the same.


Chuff, I just can't seem to stop thinking about the above. I do love his core, but
Our differences from his core are complete differences. Night and day. Does that mean
That a marriage is failing? Just a question I have in my head.

Thank you again for your time. Those were incredible words.

My personal philosophy is don't b***h, if your not going to do something about it.

My personal philosophy is don't b***h, if your not going to do something about it.


I hear you, loud and clear. Thanks. Just so scared. But you are right.

Scared is okay, we all have that fear of how things will work out. To use it for an excuse to do nothing is NOT okay

Scared is okay, we all have that fear of how things will work out. To use it for an excuse to do nothing is NOT okay


Once again, you are right.

Once again, you are right.
That's not what my wife says:D Just trying to lighten things up as I don't want to sound cruel or judgemental, but wish to encourage you to love yourself.:)

Chuff, I just can't seem to stop thinking about the above. I do love his core, but
our differences from his core are complete differences. Night and day. Does that mean
that a marriage is failing? Just a question I have in my head.

Thank you again for your time. Those were incredible words.


Thank you for your nice words. You asked does that mean a marriage is failing? I would say no because you can have two people with core values that have different interests. At the end of the day you are then able to share those interests with the other person.

The problem you have is that is not happening your marriage. You two go off and do your thing for the day and then at night you come home and don't share anything with the other. In fact you only do things for him "to keep the peace." So there is no communication from either party. And yeah, your going to have to share the blame there. He may have started it years ago by shutting down. But now you shut down because you know it's not going anywhere or it's not worth the trouble. But the communication here is dead.

Like I said you guys are roommates, not lovers. Marriage at the end of the day is a sexual relationship. You aren't having sex. In reality your not having any shared moments. Your just living under the same roof to save on mortgage payment. But I've done that with my guy friends and had basically the same relationship.

Tal, oh I know that's exactly how I took it, so thank you.

Chuff, you are right as well. And I more than take responsibility. You are so right about keeping peace. That's truly what I do. Just not to create waves or have a disagreement.
Because it is so upsetting to have a disagreement. I would just say I am sorry, just to let it blow over. I used to say I was sorry until he would start talking to me again, but I no longer do that. I say sorry once and if he still is mad, I just let it go until he wants to talk again.

As I write all of this I realize how much I need and we need to work on.

You are very special individuals, all of you, for taking the time to listen and help.

Tough love and all :). Still scared, but I know, no excuse.

Just trying to think of the best time to have this talk.

Thank you again.

If this isn't IMPORTANT to him... well you have your answer. IF he's not willing to listen and brush you off... well you have your answers.

He obviously doesn't care enough.

Lots of great men out there who WILL listen!!

Unfortunately I bet you were married too young... I always say most women shout NOT be married until at least 26... guys past age 30. Before that you're just NOT ready.

And DR PHIL is Awsome - I used tohate him - BUT I get it now!! If he doesn't get Dr. Phil - then time to move on.

Why be so unhappy?? New bigginings.

How old were you when you married? I bet too young.

TELL him thisis VERY important to you - he needs to LISTEN to you - NO interuptions. Have him promise not to interrupt. If he does then he he's an imature jerk... and you need to move on.

Listening is an important SKILL - so people will never learn this - it's so important in a relationship.

Communication is king!! If you can not communicate these to him - well - he's a selfish jerk then who hasn't grown up.

You need to tell himm over and over he needs to listen. AND if he doesn't see these as problems - well - time to move on.

Wildcat21 - thanks!

Just planning in my head the best time to approach him and actually even what to say and how to say it.

But I will do it.

Ginger, I have read and re-read your posts, and it seems to me there's something of a disconnect here. I've taken the liberty of editing and rearranging what you've written. Here's the bad news:

I am drowning in my own sadness and deep resentment towards him. My husband likes to be the funny man. Loves to make the girls laugh. Expecially when I am there. This has gone on my whole marriage. In the earlier years, I would express to him, how is obvious flirting (whispering in a ladies ear, “let’s get a hotel room together), hurts me. I would not holler or get mad, I would tell him how it hurts. I used to not trust my husband as far as cheating. Now I guess I do, but am at the point I really don’t care. I have heard voice messages from women, with sexual overtones in them, that just has made me loose all respect for him. Has he cheated on me? Well, he is so lazy and says cheating takes so much effort, but my gut tells me that he had, but I no longer look for evidence as I used to. I have realized this is very unhealthy for me.

I am angry and hurt.

I no longer want him to touch me, as I just am too hurt.

I am now unable to become aroused by him, as I feel he has lost the right to touch me with his disrespect to me.

I do so much for his family and used to do it out of love, but now I find myself doing it because I have to and just be so resentful inside.

I have given so much, more than I wrote here, I really don’t feel like giving anymore. I love him but I am not in love with him. We are very different people. Very. I love romantic walks, he likes to observe the world and reveal how everyone in it is a asshol* and proceeds me to want to adopt his thinking.

I have grown a great deal from the “girl” that he married. I am now a “woman”, one that is deserving to be loved AND respected.

I don't think he wants to "share" with me. If that makes sense. Share as married people do.
That all seems to be consistent and coherent when it's put together like that. Your husband is a cut-up and a flirt around other women, and you feel that this is disrespectful of you. You have told him how this makes you feel, but he doesn't take it to heart or change his behavior. Over the years, this has stoked the resentment and hurt you feel, until now you are at a point where you have no more respect for or sexual attraction to him. All this is completely understandable, and if that were all there was to the story, I'd say it's hopeless, dump him and move on.

BUT---that's not the whole story. Sprinkled throughout are these comments:

I am married for 18 years. To a wonderful man. Caring, unselfish and shows concern for any pain or ache I may have. He never wants me to have a problem or ever be sad.

He loves me, wants to take care of me

To be very truthful, he and I are friends. We laugh and do get a long.

I never ever want to hurt him.

He compliments me everyday about my appearance, and is attentive to me when we are at home, I do wait on him hand and foot, but I love doing that and he does appreciate it.

I have no doubt in my mind if he loves me or not. He does.
Sounds like an entirely different relationship with an entirely different man, doesn't it? Do you see why I'm confused? The fact that you have so much good to say about him and about your relationship makes me think there just might be a chance to salvage something between you.

It sounds like he's kind of immature, maybe not too deep, probably thoughtless, but in spite of all that, really does care for you. If you could get him to realize how very serious you take these issues, how much hurt and resentment has built up over the years, and how close to the point of no return you are, he just might be willing to undertake some serious long-term marriage counselling with you. The question for you is whether it's too far gone for you to let go of your hurt. If not, I suppose there's no point in trying to drag him through it, but it sounds like there might be a glimmer of hope here.

You didn't say how old you are, but I'm guessing late 30's-early 40's since you married young and have been together 18 years. It's a different thing to chuck it all at that stage of life than it would be in your twenties. Not that it's impossible to start over at any age, but I just seem to sense that neither of you are quite ready to give up on it, so if there's any hope at all, I'd encourage you to try.

OrdinaryGuy,

Thank you. Yes, I do see your confusion. But it's all true. I see the great qualties in my husband as a person, but where I hurt is the intimate part of our marriage that is nonexsistent. I also see qualities in him, that I am not proud of. But that is not my primary concern at the moment, it is the lack of intamacy and having the feeling of "his wife".
Today, he actaully pointed to something on the rug as he walked by, for me to pick up. That really annoyed me. But I picked it up. It was just an instinct on his part, but why? The why is because for all these years, I would just happily pick it up. I really think I contributed to him not viewing me as you view a wife. He's proud that I am his wife, but I don't think he is attracted to me as his wife, because I haven't earned his repsect as such.
I am not sure if that makes any sense. But since he always felt he had to look after me (his doing not mine, I actually lived on my own for 5 years prior to meeting him, however, I was very naïve, and I think that is why he felt the need to look over me)

I do agree, counseling is definitely in order. But I am so worried what he will say. But as Taliman pointed out, I can not let fear be an excuse. I am planning on bringing this up to him next weekend as the week is always stressful for him.

You are right, I do say good things about him, as I still can see them and do love those parts about him. I still am so hurt and do not feel okay inside to be intimate with him, although I would never turn him away.

He also is on valium a doctors prescription for years. I don't think that helps. I am not on birth control and he has said in the past, us getting pregnant concerns him. These two factors may be contributing to his not showing interest for intamacy.

There are issues to be worked on, but you are right, there are some great things to hold on to.

Ordinaryguy, thank you so much for taking the time to help me with this. I really have been thinking about what everyone has been saying and trying to take a step outside my situation before I approach him next weekend.

You putting it all together, the way you did really did help a great deal.

I sincerely thank you.

Have you taken the time to speak time him?

From what you've written it sounds like he won't listen to you.

To play devils advocate here -maybe he wants out and he doesn't want to hurt you?

It's a two way street - if he took care of you, well, maybe he's worried about that. Remember to thin kof his side.

To play devils advocate here -maybe he wants out and he doesn't want to hurt you?

It's a two way street - if he took care of you, well, maybe he's worried about that. Remember to thin kof his side.


I agree with you. It sounds like he's not a bad guy, or not as bad as some of what we see posted here. I just think these two grew in different directions. Sometimes realtionships just come to an end and it's really neither parties fault. They were good for a time in their life when they were good together but with age, life experiences, eduation, and maturity people move in different directions. It sounds like from what's been posted here that is exactly what happened.

Hi Wildcat and Chuff,

I’m glad that you can see that he is not a bad guy, that’s why I do feel so bad, about feeling so bad. It's mostly just the lack of intmacy and how he treats me when others are around. I don't mind so much all the friends that are girls, and I wouldn't mind it at all, if there was more intmacy at home.

I did read where you think maybe he may want out. I would have to say no, but you never know and it is something for me to think about and your right, to try and see it from his side. Only thing is, he always talks about when we retire, how much he is looking forward to it being just he and I. Every New Years Eve, including this past one, he always says, “ I promise you, this year I am going to be a better husband.”. He sometimes says, Thank you for being my wife. “You’re my best friend”. He loves being home, he always says, “I love being home, I wish I never had to leave those front doors.”

But it is in his personality to do things out of obligation. Maybe he loves me, but is not in love with me. Like I said about him. Which sometimes I feel and sometimes I don’t. But writing all his good points, makes me remember why I do love him.

Oh, just getting more confused. I wasn’t sure how to approach him. But both of you gave me an idea. Was thinking of asking him, if he is still “in love” with me. Starting it out that way.

Thank you so much again. I would hate for him to stay with me because he thought he had to.

No Wildcat, I am waiting till the weekend. During the week is too stressful for him. He usually is very tired.

Coomunication is king - it may be very upsetting but don't let him interrupt. Ask him in a very calm, nice way to please listen - that you have a lot to say - knowing guys, and this sounds like him - he will try and interrupt you. You must have your say in this - if anything else to get peace with in you. It's a must.

Then - once you are completely done. Let him talk. And then talk some more.

This isn't something that will get resolved this weekend by no means - it's only a starting point.

I quite sure both of you will grow from this.

But you must talk. Be prepared for interuptin and ask him then to promise not to speak until oyu are done.

I've even seen couples use a 'speaker stick' the person holding the stick gets to talk. Then pass to their partner.

One thing couples don't do - and this is extremely important, is to pick one day EVERY week to sit down and talk - just the two of you - whe nyou're both relaxed - get everything off your chest. You must do this going forward.

Ithink that would be a good way to start.

Wildcat,

So sweet of you to help out so much and everyone else as well.

I'm as much excited and scared. Guess that's not too bad. Wish I didn't have to wait until the weekend. But it would be best.

Maybe he has things he needs to get off his chest too. Even though I think I am perfect, (just kiddn) maybe I'm not.

I think I will start it out that way, but I think even before that, I may start it out with all his good points and thank him for that and then ask, if he is still in love with me. Oh I feel like I have the nerve now, but I will this weekend too.

I can not thank you enough. Promise to let you all know.

Wildcat,

So sweet of you to help out so much and everyone else as well.

I'm as much excited and scared. Guess that's not too bad. Wish I didn't have to wait until the weekend. But it would be best.

Actually I think that's a good thing. It will give you a week to compose your thoughts, so that you can present them in the best possible way instead of just speaking emotionally from the mouth without any thought going into what your saying.

To add to what WC was saying yes make sure he's quiet and doesn't interrupt but you must be that way too when he talks back. And this must be a talk not a shouting match.

Also in the coming week as things come to mind write them down and even refer to them if you have to during the talk. People tend to forget things during emotional situations so prepare for it in the on coming week.


Maybe he has things he needs to get off his chest too. Even though I think I am perfect, (just kiddn) maybe I'm not.

Unfortunately for you, I will have to give modesty card to him. LOL.

In all seriousness he may either be so shocked by this that he doesn't respond right then but needs a couple days to a week to really think it through. Or he may feel like he's under attack and come out verbally swinging. So you are going to have keep calm and remind him that this is a coversation not a shouting match. If he gets really upset you might say very calmly that "at some point you had to know this coversation had to take place." Because the truth is, that I think he has been holding it off with you, just like you have him. But in all reality he knows that it has to take place.


I think I will start it out that way, but I think even before that, I may start it out with all his good points and thank him for that and then ask, if he is still in love with me. Oh I feel like I have the nerve now, but I will this weekend too.

I can not thank you enough. Promise to let you all know.

I think that's a good way to start it. And maybe end it. Reviewing his good points. Quite honestly I think that's why a lot of men (and women for that matter) get so upset sometimes because they feel like if your saying something negative about them then your attacking them as person. Even if he starts to get down stay positive. Stay true to what your saying and don't waver on that. Be firm but fair.

With each of your repsonses, I feel myself getting more confident that I can do this and how important it actually is. My heart feels excited but I know not to expect miracles.

To be truthful, what I am expecting, is "is where are you coming up with all of this". This is just crap that you are letting the stuff you read on the internet fill your head. That will probably be his initial reaction.

When I say that I will tell him all his great qualities, I usually do, and am sincere about it.
But for us to work, this talk really has to happen and work.

Now I am more concerned how this will effect him, but he has to be sad inside too? Having absence of intamacy really hurts inside. I just have to be so careful in not hurting his manhood, as though he is not fulfilling me.

Chuff, I will do just that, write my thoughts down.

I wish it was tonight, but again, you are right, the time may really help.

Just like he may not know I am hurting, maybe there are things that I do that effect him.

Thank you again so very much. Keep your fingers crossed for me that I say the right words, that cause no pain, only open and truthful conversation.

Thanks!!

I'm not so sure about starting by asking whether he's in love with you. This puts the focus on how HE feels. The focus needs to be on how YOU feel. The number one purpose and goal of the discussion needs to be to convey to him how desperately unhappy you are, how close to giving up you are, how hurt and resentful you are, and WHY YOU FEEL THIS WAY--his disrespectful treatment when others are around, and the lack of intimacy between you.

You've kept these feelings bottled up and secret for so long, mostly, I take it, to keep from rocking the boat and making a scene. Well, it's time to make a scene. You don't have to scream and be irrational, but you do have to get right in his face and make him realize that this is deadly serious, and unless some major changes happen soon, you're out of there. If you soft pedal it, I'm afraid the message won't get through. He'll just brush it off as more "Dr. Phil crap" and continue right on as before. In order to make him realize that change is necessary, you have to convince him that you have ALREADY changed and if he doesn't wake up and smell the burning rubber, he's going to be left with nothing but smoke.

Ordinaryguy,

I was thinking the same thing, that I need to stay focused about why I even want the conversation. Fortunately, I am not a screamer. So a screaming match isn't a concern.

My biggest problem, is rarely do I open up when things bother me, just for the reason you say, as to not rock the boat, so I have contributed to the years of all of this being not tended to.

When I do open up, if he goes on the Dr. Phil road, I feel so stupid and then sometimes if I feel it's causing him upset, then I will say, oh no never mind, I understand why it is the way it is. I am telling you these things to come clean, because I can not do this when I talk to him. I can not just shrivel away. It gets to where I don't think my upset inside is important enough to rock the boat.

He has a tendency to fret about everything, mostly about him Mom. So, I guess I don't like to add to it. But what I am telling myself is this will be better for him. He knows our siutation, and is a very proud man, it has to eat at his self esteem as well.

This will be good for us, I just have to stay focused.

I can not thank you enough.

As I said I never open up to anyone about anything, so I can not even begin to tell all of you what this means to me. Thanks.

Hi everyone, I did it. I had the talk last night.

Odd thing was, I was thinking of all of you when I was getting it started. Please let me not first forget to thank all of you, for your time, advise and for being there.

Now, I was so scared, so I had to pick the best time. I waited till Friday night and he did have about 2 beers in him, but that amount is more like water to him.

The main question – Is he happy with me? I asked him if he felt we were more friends than a married couple. His eyeballs popped out of his head and said, he loves me more than anything, and we are friends and lovers and he would be lost without me. I corrected him and said, no, we are not lovers. Which opened the conversation to the lack of intimacy. You could tell he felt terrible about the lack of intimacy and it bothers him, for me. Here are his reasons:

1) Stress ( he does everything for his Mother. Everything. If he could breath for her, believe me, he would) The way he is with his Mother, is one of the things I do love about him, and I am there helping him as well. His siblings do 0 to help. I did say to him, life has stresses, it's a part of it. It is no reason not to have intamacy. I asked him, what if we had children? How would you find time for them? He said, Oh, I would just cut back on my Mom. I looked at him, and said, then what about your wife?? I do not want him to cut back on his Mom. What he needs to do, is when he completes something for his Mom, leave it, it's done. But what he does in his head, is goes over and over and over it. And then moves on to the next thing he has to do for her, and mentally goes over and over and over it. To the point he just exhaust himself. I can not make him see this.

2) I brought this up – Him being on valuiums. He agreed does have something to do with it. I am not sure what to do about this as he does need something for anxiety and there is no way he could just stop them, he has been on them too long.

3) Financial stress – This I do understand. He sorts out the bills and gives them to me to write the checks. I suggested to him, that why don't we sit down and together we go through the bills so we both are sharing the load. He takes it as male pride or some sort of thing that he worries about the money.

What I said to him was, all of these things are so true. But making love is one of the best things in life and is so important in a marriage, it actually is a stress reliever. I told him this has been going on for years and we really need to fix it.

There were moments where he did get angry and inside I did too, with some of what he was saying, but I knew it was just defensive with him, so I just let him go.

I do think all of this is fixable. I even discussed with him the things I need to work on that may add to his stress.

I guess the long and the short of it is, I do have a really good guy, who does love me, but is just under a great deal of stress. Together, we will have to work on all of it.

Many thanks to all of you.

I think you have made a very good beginning in you both communicating and deciding to work together. Very few solutions can be found in one sitting but if you keep talking you will get to a point where you both know what the other is thinking and expecting to happen. Over time this will lead to solutions that work for both of you. Be patient and keep talking. You have a lifetime so there is no hurry so just be happy with slow study progress and see a doctor or get informed about antidepressants and Valium as they do change the moods of the user and can reduce his sex drive without him realising it. You have a good guy and can be happy if you both let the other know how you feel and don't hold things in. We fellas cannot read minds. Neither can you.

As Tal said this isn't going to be solved in one sitting. But the fact that it was started and is now in progress is great. Maybe sit down once a week or every two weeks and have a talk about it. Just like last night stay calm and don't get mad. Also as Tal said we can not read minds spell out everything that is a concern of yours for him. This is a start but he's at least participating so as you said, your right you got a good one. He didn't blow you off or give you a bunch of excuse like some guys would do.

Thank you to you both and all who took the time, thank you just doesn't seem enough. I feel as though I am feeling my way through the dark here, very uncharted territory, but it really is so worth the try. I honestly never really spoke up before but I am so glad I did, as it really is for both of us.

I was nervous to see what the night sleep would do. If he would have a change of heart and be upset with me for bringing this up. But I actually feel less tension and I feel on equal ground with him.

You both are so right, one conversation is not enough. I am really scared about doing anything wrong. It's a delicate area. But if I do it with the best intentions and for the love I have for him, I figure how can it go be wrong?

First things first. I have to stand firm to this and not let us both fall back in to the pit of complacency. That may be my biggest challenge.

Again, thank you very much. I wish you much happiness.

p.s. He said next weekend we are going to have a romantic weekend. So hopefully you won't hear from me.

p.s. He said next weekend we are going to have a romantic weekend. So hopefully you won’t hear from me.


Look at that, he's trying. You know, and I know this sounds kind of stupid from where your sitting and the lack of intimacy but many times men don't know there's a problem. I guess this goes back to that, we can not read minds thing, but sometimes if a woman speaks up and tell us (and by that I mean talks to us and not yell or complain because that just drives us away from you) what's wrong we will react and try to do something about it.

Chuff - I'm sorry, it wouldn't let me rate you. But I do agree.

Chuff,

You are very right. Just so you know, he has said this many times to me and it never happened, but I think this time is different, because he now knows that, yes, it is something I do want, instead of me not letting him know that it was something that was hurting both of us.

You are also right in the way in which it is presented. I really didn't feel “emotional” last night, which I guess, when people are upset, including myself, you normally are emotional. I was just more focused on how does this effect him, so as to try and not make him feel bad. Of course, he still did feel bad, but at least he didn't feel under attack.

I just hope this makes him happy too and not one more thing for him to worry about. But that isn't what I am sensing from him, so that is good.

Something I also realised, is all the hurt I was feeling and coming close to indifference, was because I didn't think he cared about all of this or loved me as a wife, not just as a friend, and so I guess as my own defense mechanism, I in turn, shut down inside myself.

Once again. Thank you.

p.s. I hope you don't mind me telling you all this. I just think in case somebody else has a similar problem, maybe this can help them too.