I started dating my best friend 3years ago, before agreeing to go out with him I told him this was something that would be long term and I am thinking of marriage. He has always been supportive whenever I bring up the topic of marriage. One month after we started dating we graduated from university and we moved countries, since then we have been in a long distance relationship and we get to see each other every 4-6months, it gets really hard but he has always been good with phone calls and chatting.

2months ago I told him that I was afraid to move to a small Caribbean island where he lives, I'm a city gal and I don't know if I would be able to live there... this discussion sparked a whole row of arguments including what I think of his family, financial issues etc. initially I was being distant and said I need to think about if that is the life that I wanted, so I asked for a 2week break to think about it, I realised I couldn't live without speaking to him and within 5days I msgd him and we began speaking but once again arguments kept coming up but I always wanted to talk through them but he always says 'i have nothing left to say' he just doesn't ever want to get through speaking about the problems. A little while ago he just stopped answering my messages, I left him for 4days by then I was really hurting so I sent an apology email asking for us to try and fix things... he ignored my email for 2 weeks, during those 2wks I had sleepless nights felt like I was going through a break up, etc etc.
Finally 2wks later he emails saying he wants to speak so I say OK call me, but again he goes missing for another few days, when we finally talked he said he needed time because he doesn't know what he wants, there have been too many issues that have come up between us and he doesn't know if we can fix it but he is willing to try if I am willing to start with a blank slate. So we agree to do this but again after that one phone conversation he disappears again, by then I am furious and sending him horrible messages saying 'why don't u just break up with me if that's what you want' and I kept nagging him for a few days, finally last week I sent a message saying 'i have tried speaking to u, and I have proved I want this to work and justified my arguments, but you still make no effort so I'm done trying, its over' that night he sends me the sweetest email appologizing and saying he never meant to hurt me, he was just being realistic if I didn't want to live in the Caribbean and all these issues were coming up then he was confused how we could stay in the relationship, but he really loves me and wants to fix it. So we spoke on the fone and I totally flipped at him screaming how could he ignore me and I said really horrible harsh things to him, he accepted blame and said he's sorry and that if I'm OK with it we should work things out, I was hurting and angry so I said watever you want, but after being so horrible to him I realised he must really love me if I could say such horrible things and get away with it.
So we ended the phone conversation on relatively decent terms and again he has disappeared, he makes no active effort to stay in touch or tell me about his day etc, I feel this is the time he has to prove he wants to stay in the relationship, its like starting from scratch, but he doesn't. Its almost as if he got so used to not telling me everything in those 2weeks he ignored me that he has forgotten what its like to have a girlfriend. I have still tried msging him and telling him about my day but his responses are so vague.

I am so confused what to do because he is giving mixed signals. He has been my best friend for 6years now, but I feel like we are strangers now and this whole thing started 2months ago, since then we have not had a proper nice sweet conversation. What do I do? Should I give him space or keep chasing him?
I really want this to work

I think you stop chasing, and find a better way of communicating besides screaming, hollering, and going off. That's never solved anything, and maybe that's why he disappears.

He may not say the words, but his actions are saying he won't put up with what you are putting down, so stop chasing and take this as a break up, for your own peace of mind.

It seems like you are not ready for a long distance relationship. Those type of relationships includes periods when communication may not be possible, it takes patience, and having a date of permanent reunion in mind because if not, it simply does not work. Yet, every time he talks to you, both of you manage to get into arguments and then be mad at each other, the beauty of a LDR is that you don't have to talk to your partner if you don't want to. Also, you are screaming and rubbing in bad feelings every time he calls you, I wouldn't want to call you either if that is how is going to be. You need to back off and let him have some space, you expect him to ask you about your day and tell you about his and have a "sweet" conversation whenever he calls you, but how can he if you are just going to beat him up about things? Like Tala said, he knows what he is going to get, so why get close when all you are going to do is bite?

Good Luck,
Javi

You were friends for six years, and then turned the relationship into boyfriend/girlfriend, with a condition set by you when you both agreed to the changed 'status', to marriage in the future. For three years the relationship has worked, and when you bring up the subject of marriage, he is quite 'supportive'.

Yet, you both, after all these years, cannot communicate.

Either you communicate too much (maybe not letting an argument go, when he's done arguing), or he doesn't communicate enough, to solve problems. But, arguing about any subject and expecting it to be resolved when everything but the kitchen sink is thrown into these arguments, will not resolve anything. It only eventually provides a reason for one (or both) not to communicate at all, because it ends the same way, over and over.

Then typically one party is even more demanding and frustrated at nothing being resolved, and the other realizes that dialing out, is easier than finding a way to effectively communicate.

Can he really say anything that will solve the problems to your satisfaction?

You have doubts about being an island girl as you put it, and he sounds quite established where he is. Can there be a compromise, and can the relationship overcome this roadblock? Are you willing to move to where he is to save the relationship, or is he willing to move back for the same purpose. Is there any room for compromise?

I would advise both of you to learn how to communicate. The first barrier to overcome is to keep concerns from becoming a full blown argument, bringing up the past, and past unresolved problems into the mix.

Try communicating in another way. Agree together, to address, honestly and without scorn, ridicule or condemnation, each issue that needs to be resolved. Make a list in an email, and he does the same. Agree to discuss each point, and learn to see better, when each of you is coming from, and try to understand eachothers point of view. See if you can't overcome the problems without arguing. Accept his points as valid, and respect his point of view, and the fact that there may be issues he is unwilling to change- such as his location.

His reasons, are just as valid as your reasons, for the stall in communication, and the misunderstandings that are taking place. And the fact that neither of you fight fair. Nobody has to 'win', and neither of you should be telling the other that your feelings and thoughts are not 'correct'. Try your best, in the beginning, not to question what he says, or judge him to be right or wrong in his statements. You both need enough honest information from each other to know if the relationship is worth saving.

Old habits are hard to break. Had the communication been better all along, your arguments would have resulted in some resolve. But, it is time to stop the negative, unproductive pattern you are in, and allow for honest communication, to learn and listen and accept as the goal.

He may be not communicating with you simply because the way you communicate does not work. You jumping ship with 'it's over', is far too premature a conclusion, simply because both of you are not communicating effectively.

My advice to you is to change your tactics, be more creative in resolving conflicts, such as email, and see if you can't find out why communicating the way you are now, seems to result in the end of the relationship. Instead, see if the two of you can't agree to try to work out problems together, equally, and honestly.

Make a list of each of your concerns, needs, wants, expectations, etc. Try a different approach in other words, to resolving conflicts, before giving up entirely.

Thanks everyone for your advice.

Firstly I should probably clarify that when I said "i totally flipped out and screamed at him" was just a one time thing. Every time we have spoken he is always very detached and unemotional, and I am always the one hurting and I end up crying(which I realise too much crying doesn't help either). I always feel he has too much pride to put himself out there and admit he wants to make things work and that's why we don't progress from where we are currently because I can't keep doing all the chasing especially if I know we both are at fault here.

I recently spoke to his mom and she told me that he has been very tense for the past month and when she asked what was wrong he said it was because things were not going well with us. So I keep thinking why can't he just drop his pride and make an effort? I keep making the effort with him and he just responds with a one line message.

I have taken your advice and pulled back, I am giving him the space that he needs, he's on holiday and doesn't need the nagging now, maybe time away will help. And I hope that will help him see clearly whether he wants to be in this relationship or not.

As for whether I would move there, YES. I have always said that I would make those compromises for him... but isn't a girl allowed to have doubts, maybe be negative about the situation sometimes? I have told him all I needed was for him to be supportive and convince me that I would be OK there. But he isn't and that's how it has blown up into such a big issue from which lots of small arguments develop.
I think a big problem between us is that I like to discuss and maybe sometimes overanalyze every issue, whereas for him he doesn't want to discuss a lot, he would rather let a lot of it slide and pretend it never happened... but to me an issue is not solved if you don't speak about it and come to some sort of conclusion which we both are OK with.

I will take your advice and make a list that we need to discuss. You are right I should hear him out and try and discuss things rationally without letting emotions get in the way. I have done this before but when he seems so detached I end up getting angry or start crying, will try and keep this in control.

So for now I'm going to give him space and hope that he comes back from his holiday with a clear mind and wants to discuss the issues.

It would help if you both learned each others language. I don't think he lets things slide, I think he is more do it than keep talking about it. To many words puts men to sleep, too much feelings overwhelm us. Moderate, less talk, more listen.