OK so my baby daddy left his first baby mama for me.. 4years ago.. she had his first daughter and was pergnant with his first son when he left her.. now our whole relationship she has called him everyday just to talk then they end up fighting and then after all that they start laughing... she send pictures of her self,naked and all.. when I ask him why he hasn't deleted them he just saythat he forgot?. now after 4 years with him and a daughter he decides he wants to be there for his kids... so he wants to move her out here in the same city not only that but right up the street... she threatens to hurt our daughter come to our apt. and break down the door and beat my ***... well he went out to riverside where she is from and ended up saying out there for a month, but when he came back home,he brought her and there two kids back she has been here for2weeks now... im starting to get worried that he really moved her out here,well since they both came back he sleeps at his sisters house where she stays,he only comes home for 30 minutes, to change make him something to eat, have sex sometimes... but then he leaves and doesn't come back for like6 to12 hours later... now my question is what should I believe him when he tells me its about his kids,and I'm his wifey and he loves me,wants to marry me someday... should I believe him... because I was brought up to believe actions speak louder than words?? I love him don't get me wrong but I'm confused

I think you had better stick to "actions speak louder then words" because nothing else describes your situation better. Ex seems to have a stronger hold on him then you do and if you value your sanity you will get out now while the going is good and find another life that lets you live like a human being should.

You are right, actions do speak louder than words, and your actions allow him to bounce back and forth as he pleases.

You can do better, and he can afford child support for his child with you. And visitations on better terms. AND NO MORE SEX FROM YOU!

You need to end it with him. He is playing you and you are letting it happen.

If he loved you, and wanted to be with you, he would be with you... period. He could see his kids without having to be over there all the time.

Don't listen to his sweet talk, because that is all it is... talk.

She is his "wife", you are his bit of stuff on the side. You deserve better.

He should bring his child home with him to your home and visit, not be staying at the home with the babies mother,

That is not proper visiting

He is doing exactly what he wants to do and you are not a priority to him.
You need to make sure he pays you child support and leave him alone.

Agree with all abovde advice given. This guys is disrespecting you, but only b'cause your allowing him to continue with this behaviour. Put your foot down and stop allowing him to fill your head with rubbish.

I am going to be blunt.

Stop ignoring the red flags. They aren't going away.

He was involved with her when he started seeing you.
That means he has a record of cheating.
He left his then pregnant baby mama and child to be with you.
For four years he has been playing games with the both of you.
You now have a young child by him who should not have to grow up in this mess.

His actions have been yelling loud and strong that he is not ready to be committed to one woman. He wasn't committed to her and he hasn't shown a strong commitment to you. Having children is obviously not a sign of wanting to be with someone for him.

Make a time when there are no distractions (child out of the house would be preferable) and talk to him about what is going on. Get it settled about where he is living and what you both expect.

Do not have sex with him. The last thing you need right now is another child.

Do you work? Are you putting up with his mess because you feel like you don't have anything else you can do?

Contact a lawyer about getting child support established even if he is living in the house. It doesn't sound like the other baby mama has and you need to protect your child's rights.

Take care of yourself and your child. Good luck.

So he has two families and you have been put on the back burner? So he goes over to where his ex partner was and probably does everything or even more than what he does with you, sees his kids, and hopefully takes a shower before heading to your place for 30 minutes? Come on, demand a more stable living style. If he wants to see his kids make him bring them to your house or suggest to take them out somewhere, not be somewhere where he can be doing his ex and you thinking he is a good father. And considering that he goes to "visit" you I wouldn't consider him "going-back-home" is more like "getting-out-of-the-house". Break it off with him unless you like sharing him with that other girl who he obviously pays more attention to and have some self respect for your own family. Make him respect you or he will CONTINUE to walk over you like he has been doing.

Good Luck,
Javi

Okay, are you stupid, or just blind?

He's using you. He's using her.

He doesn't "love" either of you. He just likes the sex and attention.

Get out. Take your kid, file for child support, and get out.

It's NEVER going to change, and it's NEVER going to get better.

OK thank you for the input.. ciz low key that is how I feel... but he keeps telling me to just hold on because she's got two other kids out in riverside so she has to go back... but I'm worried she might be coming back on the summer vacation to move out here... no we haven't had sex but, what should I do wait and c if she leaves or just go? He just tells me he needs to spend as much time with them until they leave... but she won't let them come out with me or have anything to do with me... his family has taken her in and totally booted me out of the picture now they don't even answer my calls but let her use it to call me?? so what I get everyone is saying that he has no respect for me and has more respect for her?? Or she gets to be put on a pedistal while me and my daughter are put on hold? I love him so much its hard to just leave bit she does have a super tight grip on him and I don't undersrand how... she hammered up his rest in peace brothers car, ruined my credit, and so much I don't feel like writong but what am I supposed to do just leave and not look back, or wait and see if she leaves like he said?

You leave and not look back because it seems you are going to be 'on hold' and not seeing the forest for the trees for a very long time. Get your own life.

You haven't learned anything from what we said, bonky, because you are just playing back your original post to us all over again,

Tick

Wake up will you. Even if she leaves, she will be back, many times and this is but a preview of what life will be with him, her, and his family.

You need to leave.
How did she mess up your credit?
You boy friend is not handling his business.
She has pull because he has given it to her.
Leave, make sure he pays child support and don't look back.

Holy cow--I can't even understand your response. Are you sure you're an adult who has finished high school? Your typing/spelling makes me think you're 13.

You just leave. If he loves you, he will figure out his mess with all of his kids in COURT, not through having sex with and spending time with other women.

Wake up--he's using you.

What do you think is going on when he sleeps over there? He "forgot" to delete naked pictures of her? You actually believe that? She threatens you and your daughter and he does nothing? He went to where she lived and stayed for a month? He has talked to her everyday since you have been together? I take he was the one to let her ruin your credit or else he did it for her or talked you into it?

They are his kids too, why can't he meet you somewhere to spend time with you and them together? He comes home for half and hour, showers, eats, and has sex sometimes. All in half an hour??

Exactly what do you love about him? How he treats you? How he allows his family to treat you? How he allows this other woman to treat you... and his own daughter no less?

Is it because he pays some bills? Are you afraid to be on your own? Do you think you can't do better?

Really, what does he have to offer you? This has been going on, in some way or another, since you have been with him. Do you really think it is going to change?


Get out on your own. Build a stable life for you and your daughter. Maybe in time he will get his act together, sort out his life with this other woman, you may end up back together. Maybe you will find you actually prefer a stable life with someone else who will treat you with the respect you deserve. In the meantime, get yourself out of his mess.

I think you had better stick to "actions speak louder then words" because nothing else describes your situation better. Ex seems to have a stronger hold on him then you do and if you value your sanity you will get out now while the going is good and find another life that lets you live like a human being should.

OK thanks but how can I get ahold on him like she has him? or am I just s.o.l... is it even possible?


OK well now she "left" he sat down so we could talk and he told me flat out he is the same person he was when he met me and I'm the one that's changing on him... he said I promised him I would always be by his side no matter what. Which I did but I also made it clear as long as she's not in the picture... he said she is the mother of his children she will always be in the picture... I told him I'm just better off leaveing then putting myself threw this... he said he has to put up with a lot of my family issues and what I have done in the past... I love him because he is the only person that knew me at my worst and fixed me back to a normal person... its hard to find someone that would take the time and do stuff for you like that!

I think we are having a difficult time understanding why you would want to have a hold on him given the way he has treated you and the daughter you have together. Don't you think you deserve better treatment? Doesn't your daughter?

It seems pretty obvious that if he were interested in living as a family with you, he would be. There is no reason why he can't see his other kids without sleeping over there. There was no reason why he had to go and stay a month with her in Riverside. There is no reason why he should be allowing her to speak to you the way she does.

It doesn't matter what he tells you otherwise, he is not showing you that he cares or loves you by his actions.

You are so fixated on getting him back, that you are ignoring everything you have said about his behaviour.

Read what you wrote in your posts. Then imagine a friend or a sister were telling you the same things about how their man was treating them. What would you tell her to do?


Originally Posted by bonkychonks
OK well now she "left" he sat down so we could talk and he told me flat out he is the same person he was when he met me and I'm the one that's changing on him... he said I promised him I would always be by his side no matter what. Which I did but I also made it clear as long as she's not in the picture... he said she is the mother of his children she will always be in the picture... I told him I'm just better off leaveing then putting myself threw this... he said he has to put up with a lot of my family issues and what I have done in the past... I love him because he is the only person that knew me at my worst and fixed me back to a normal person... its hard to find someone that would take the time and do stuff for you like that!

How does this excuse him sleeping with her? How does it excuse him not being there for you when she threatened you and your child... when she ruined your credit?

Yes, she will always be in the picture to some degree, but it shouldn't be allowed to interfere with your life or your family. He is wrong to let that happen.

I think you feel that you owe him for helping you... and I think he thinks the same thing. So he has been allowed to treat you badly because you owe him. And now it is your fault because you have changed on him. He has you believing this.

You can certainly be thankful for his helping you in tough times, but that doesn't mean he can take you for granted and treat you badly... and certainly not allow his ex to treat you badly.

It appears you want to stick by him. I hope he proves us wrong and steps up to be the sort of man and father you would hope he would be. One who puts you first since he is suppose to be in a relationship with you.

You have done things in the past, and he has had to put up with your family. Now he has done things that shouldn't have been done, that you have had to deal with, as well as dealing with his family, so call it even.

Now see if you get the sort of relationship with him that you hope for. See if his, his ex'es, and his family's behaviour towards you continues.
Then you will know if he is true to his word or making more excuses.

OK so in conclution, he's just using me... and every time he says he loves me its all sweet talk then?? Believe me I know about his sweet mouth piece. But how can I make him make it clear to her that he is with me? He's told her before but she wony let him go... when she is not around we were happy now that she wants him so involved with his kids me and him are just going slowly down the drain... and maybe your right I just feel he has done so much for me that I don't want to leave but honestly this is mental
Y and physically messing me up!

Stop focusing on her for starters.

She's not the problem. He is.

He is responsible for his own behaviour. So stop blaming her and letting him off the hook.

He needs to be the one to set her straight and let her know that he is with you and that she is not to threaten you (what did he say to that and when she threatens your daughter?). He has rights as the children's father. He does not have to go to where she is to see them. He should consider legal action to obtain scheduled visitation. These can then be at the home he shares with you, or out to a park for example, and she can't say anything about it. He should also be setting his family straight about their treatment of you.

He is letting her manipulate him, and he in turn manipulates you. He may love you, but it doesn't show in his behaviour. He should be with you and the child you have together, not sleeping over with her. Do you know if they are actually sleeping together? Where did he stay when he went to Riverside for a month?

If he has been sleeping with her, then it is up to you how you feel about it and whether you trust him.

Regardless, I would let him know what you need from him in how he handles this situation with this other woman. His contact with her should be regarding their children and nothing else. No daily phone calls, certainly no naked pictures sent, no sleeping over, etc.

Don't argue with him, no yelling, keep it very matter of fact. This is what you want and expect from him, is he or isn't he willing to do it. Try not to get caught up in the drama of this other woman. It might actually be feeding this guy's ego. Some men are lame and, while they may deny it, they get off on having women fight over them.

If he isn't going to be in your corner, and support you and protect you from mistreatment of these other people, he does not love you... no matter how much he might say that he does.

Once you talk to him and discuss some changes, see how he responds. Does he make excuses? Does he turn it back on you? Does he say that he will do one thing, but then does the opposite so that nothing changes? Or does he actually finally stand up for himself and for you?

How things go from here will maybe help you decide what your next move should be. You don't owe him anything. He may have helped you out before, but look what he is doing now to you, and allowing others to do to you. I'm not seeing much of anything that resembles honest and mature love.

Talk to him... see what he says and does. Then you will know how much he really loves you... or not.

ok so in conclution, hes just useing me...and everytime he says he loves me its all sweet talk then??? believe me i know about his sweet mouth piece. but how can i make him make it clear to her that he is with me? hes told her before but she wony let him go...when she is not around we were happy now that she wants him soo involved with his kids me and him r just going slowly down the drain...and maybe ur right i just feel he has done so much for me that i dont want to leave but honestly this is mental
y and physically messing me up!

He is NOT with you. Or at least, he's not ONLY with you. He's probably feeding her the same lines of CRAP that he is feeding you.

Everything you've described to us shows me that YOU are the piece on the side, and SHE is his main relationship.

She doesn't HAVE to let him go--why would she? YOU don't have him, after all.

Just leave. This guy has NOTHING for you that doesn't make you seem like a cheap piece of trash--and that is EXACTLY how you will feel after a while if you continue to put up with him lying to you and cheating on you.

Are you THAT desperate for love that you'll put up with it?

Are you THAT dependent that you want to show your daughter that your relationship with him is all she should look forward to a guy giving her---leftovers, after he's done with his OTHER babymomma?

This is all about how HE treats you. SHE shouldn't even be a factor in how HE treats you. If he can't stand up for you, he doesn't love you, not really.

Find someone better.

he told me flat out he is the same person he was when he met me and im the one thats changing on him

I don't know if either of you understand the full implications of what he said in the first part of this statement: He is the same person he was when he met you. From what you have told us, he was in a relationship with her and expecting their second child when he dumped her to be with you. That points to a major character flaw in him. He does what he wants when he wants no matter what the cost to others is.

You are changing. You are a mother and you are starting to see him for what he really is.

In your first post, it sounds like his becoming a responsible father to his other children is a recent development. If so, what have they been talking about everyday for four years? It puts his 'forgetfulness' in a different light.


..now our whole relationship she has called him everyday [/B]just to talk then they end up fighting and then after all that they start laughing ...she send pictures of her self,naked and all..when i ask him y he hasnt deleted them he just saythat he forgot?..now after 4 years with him and a daughter he decides he wants to b there for his kids

He is not a 'knight in shining armor' and his name isn't 'Prince Charming'. He is a man who helped you when it fit his needs. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you in his own way. However, his way probably is not healthy for you in the long term.

When did you get pregnant have your daughter? Was it when you started getting more stable and possibly out-going? When you started finding your own feet to stand on?

No matter what happens between you, you need to get paternity established through legal measures and have a child support agreement set up. If she is as vindictive as it sounds like she could be, you need to protect your child and assets.

She is not the problem, he is. He wants both of you and that is not fair to either of you but she seems to be the one that has the most control. You have to ask yourself if you want to continue on with this because it is not likely going to change