I am an atheist and she is catholic. How would you go about resolving issues, such as, where to get married, whether you send your kids to church, etc etc.

I'd go to an unbiased (not a Christian-type) counselor. The two of you (and eventual children) are very fortunate to have such a nice diversity of beliefs and experiences ahead of you. Look at your glass as being full to overflowing, and appreciate each other's viewpoint on ethics and morals especially.

She wants to get married in a church and I do not.
She wants to send our (future) kids to a church school and I do not.
Whether we get married in a church is not that big of a deal to me. The problem lies in our (future) kids.
How do you compromise on religion?

The problem lies in our (future) kids.
How do you compromise on religion?
What experiences with atheism will you be able to bring to the marriage?

She wants to get married in a church and I do not.
That's pretty much every little girl's dream -- to get married in a church, wear a beautiful white dress, carry fragrant flowers, have bridesmaids and flower girls, have a minister or priest conduct the ceremony. Prince William's and Kate's recent marriage was a picture-perfect wedding. Women and girls all over the world sighed in joy.

She wants to send our (future) kids to a church school and I do not.
From what I know, that's a solid demand for a Catholic. There may even be papers to sign about this.

Think about it as giving the kids structure and a moral base to build on. I sent my kids to a Lutheran school from Pre-K to eighth grade. Both made their own choices about religion/atheism when they reached their early 20s, but were glad they had had that religious foundation to weigh all the options against. And both would clean up on Jeopardy in the Bible category.

What are all the things you can do as an atheist parent?

What are all the things you can do as an atheist parent?That's the second time you bring this up and I think you're going for a moral judgement here. You'll need to understand what atheism is: it's the belief that there are no deities. I'm an atheist and my kids are the sweetish kids you'll ever meet. Raising kids doesn't require a need to refer to a bible, it require attentive parents who are involved in their kid's lives. I've said it before and I'll say again: being religious doesn't make one a better person.

That's the second time you bring this up and I think you're going for a moral judgement here.
Absolutely not!! The OP has to bring some kind of balance to the table. Does he plan to spend time with his children and take them on walks through the nature preserve and talk about geology and botany and the glories of nature apart from any god? Is he going to educate his kids that people all over the world have all kind of religious beliefs and some don't believe in a god and all of that's okay? And why it's okay? Or is he going to spend the entire marriage crabbing and complaining and making life miserable for his wife and kids because of what he agreed to at his marriage ceremony?

I had said in previous posts:
1) "I'd go to an unbiased (not a Christian-type) counselor. The two of you (and eventual children) are very fortunate to have such a nice diversity of beliefs and experiences ahead of you. Look at your glass as being full to overflowing, and appreciate each other's viewpoint on ethics and morals especially."

2) "Both [of my kids] made their own choices about religion/atheism when they reached their early 20s, but were glad they had had that religious foundation to weigh all the options against. And both would clean up on Jeopardy in the Bible category. What are all the things you can do as an atheist parent?"

You'll need to understand what atheism is: it's the belief that there are no deities.
I am very aware of what atheism is.

I'm an atheist and my kids are the sweetish kids you'll ever meet.
That's wonderful! I wouldn't expect any less from you whose posts here over the years have always been fun and informative to read.

Raising kids doesn't require a need to refer to a bible, it require attentive parents who are involved in their kid's lives.
Exactly! That is why I asked what the OP plans to bring to the table. I hope it would be as much as you have brought to yours.

I've said it before and I'll say again: being religious doesn't make one a better person.
I totally agree with you. In fact, I have a big problem with a lot of "religious" people and have no problem with atheists who usually accept someone without judgment and will allow those someones' attitudes and actions to determine who they are.

The question only needs to be "what are all the things you can do as a parent". The Catholic parent doesn't bring anything new or different to parenting, just an indoctrination. Parenting is parenting regardless of one's religion.

The problem lies in our (future) kids. How do you compromise on religion?Hello 4:

You don't.

If there weren't kids involved it would be easy.. Ok, not easy, but doable. With kids, it's impossible... No, really, It's IMPOSSIBLE... If she's a believer, she won't countenance her kids being told there's no god. And, if you're an atheist, you won't countenance your kids being told there is.

excon

You talk before you get married and have kids, until its resolved by having a plan you both can agree on. If you cannot resolve the issues through honest communications, you don't get married and have kids.

Simple solution.

As has been said, it needs to be discussed honestly... and not just one time. There is also the possibility that either of you may alter your thoughts a bit at some point as you discuss your expectations, your reasons for your beliefs, etc.. Just how strong are each of your beliefs? Are they based on passed experiences or how each of you happened to be raised?

If an agreement can't be made that both of you are comfortable with, marriage may not be the best choice.

For some people, there is nothing wrong with bringing up kids with this is what daddy believes and this is what mommy believes. The thought is that kids who are exposed to a number of view points sometimes have an advantage wherein they may be better able to make informed decisions for their own beliefs. Which incidentally, may not be those of either of you!

Thank you all for your responses. I do not want to tell my kids that there is or is not a god; I want them to make that decision on their own. I am just afraid my (future) wife would continually try to sway them in one direction. I do agree with doula. I think it would be best if we told our kids. "this is what mommy believes, and this is what daddy believes, you're free to make your own decision."

Like every other conflict in a relationship, I guess communication is key.

Sorry but if a person is a real believer, ( not just claims to be a Christian) For a Catholic, they will believe anyone not "saved" will go to hell, and to be honest for a parent to accept their child is loss to all eternity would not be acceptable at all.

As a Christian and Catholic, they would in my opinion if they had real belief in their faith, not only want but demand their kids be baptised as a infant, and attend Church with mom when she goes.

You would basically be and feel left out of a large part of their weekend activity.

Thank you all for your responses. I do not want to tell my kids that there is or is not a god; i want them to make that decision on their own. I am just afraid my (future) wife would continually try to sway them in one direction. I do agree with doula. I think it would be best if we told our kids. "this is what mommy believes, and this is what daddy believes, you're free to make your own decision."

Like every other conflict in a relationship, i guess communication is key.


Disagree - children need direction and guidance. They don't need to hear "I think this and Mommy thinks that and you decide on your own." If you are afraid (your word) that your future wife would be going against your wishes, trying to "sway" your children you have trust issues and the marriage is not going to work.

If you can't communicate, can't agree, well, then the marriage is a mistake. I agree with FrChuck - if your future wife believes the only path to Heaven is through the Catholic Church she is going to believe her children are damned.

All religion aside - I was raised Roman Catholic; my late husband was a practicing Orthodox Jew, went to Hebrew School. We NEVER had a problem over religion, never. He was a good, moral man, we had very much the same values and standards, religion was not a problem.

JudyKayTee, do you have children?

JudyKayTee, do you have children?


Five stepchildren. One male; four female. Why?

If this is going in the "what would I have done" direction my interest is/was that children have a religious base and grow up to be good people (whatever that means). I don't care about any specific religion. If my late husband and I had had children they would not have been considered Jewish because I (the mother) was not Jewish but it would have been my husband's preference that they be raised in the Jewish faith.

His Jewish faith was much stronger than my Catholic faith.
I raised my niece for a number of years - but she obviously isn't my child.

You would basicly be and feel left out of a large part of their weekend activity.
He can't go with them to church and to church-sponsored activities?

Being an atheist means you don't believe in a god. It doesn't mean you throw out everything related to a god and religion.

My bigger concern is your age - you were 16 in 2009 (when you posted about having a child), 18 today. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/teens/all-teens-wondering-if-they-should-have-sex-teen-perspective-303617.html.

You were taking someone to Las Vegas and giving financial support when you were 15 or 16. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/good-bye-letter-296728.html

Something in this scenario, when your various threads are read together, does not make sense to me. Just a feeling -

I do not want to tell my kids that there is or is not a god; i want them to make that decision on their ownThat's exactly what we are doing. It's amazing how religion or the issue of gods doesn't even register on a child's radar unless an adult tells them about it. They are perfectly happy living their formative years without knowing any of that. During the important 0-5 years a parent can show show a child what is proper manners, help them learn to talk and have a love of books all without the need for religion to get involved.

That's exactly what we are doing. It's amazing how religion or the issue of gods doesn't even register on a child's radar unless an adult tells them about it.
I agree, but unless you live in a cave in Tora Bora, your child is going to hear the word "god" and will ask you about it. Then what?

And there will be all sorts of well-meaning people milling about who will ask your child about prayers or God or church or Sunday School or even baptism. You won't necessarily be handy to ask.

I agree, but unless you live in a cave in Tora Bora, your child is going to hear the word "god" and will ask you about it. Then what?Answer what I answer: "Some people are into religion, mom and I aren't, you can make up your own mind when you get older." She's been to church a couple of times as guests of one of her friends. It's mostly a play area for the kids with not so subtle indoctrination bits thrown in. She decided that there must be other things to do on Sunday since that's the only thing this friend (or her mom most likely) would ever want to do on Sunday. Now she goes geocaching with me and has synchro swimming on Sunday.

since that's the only thing this friend (or her mom most likely) would ever want to do on Sunday.
Is that what you think of Christians?

She decided that there must be other things to do on Sunday since that's the only thing this friend (or her mom most likely) would ever want to do on Sunday. Now she goes geocaching with me and has synchro swimming on Sunday.


Too generalized for me - I don't know ANY Christian who spends Sunday only "doing" church. In fact, Catholics can now attend an anticipated mass on Saturday.

If it's not too personal is your family history the reason you are an atheist? Experience with a Christian Church?

Is that what you think of Christians?Oops, I think I didn't explain that right. It's all that particular friend of hers wanted to do on a Sunday.

If it's not too personal is your family history the reason you are an atheist? Experience with a Christian Church?It is personal and I don't give out my life on the internet. There's no one event. Both my wife and I figured out that we don't need religion in our lives, simple as that.

Oops, I think I didn't explain that right. It's all that particular friend of hers wanted to do on a Sunday.
Please don't judge all Christians on the basis of one woman who spent her Sundays (all day?) at church. My dad was a minister, was the last to leave the church because he locked up, and even our family managed to get home by 12:30 p.m. to eat dinner.

Too often atheism isn't a deliberate, intellectual choice, but is adopted simply because of unhappiness over parents who had a "Christian" agenda.

I don't want to hijack this thread but Fr Chuck's statement is so wrong, I feel I must.

This is decidedly NOT the position of the Catholic Church. The Church teaches that the fundamental necessary moral position of a person - regardless of their faith - is to act according to their (informed) conscience.

Since only Christians can be "saved" - understanding the jargon in its usual sense - Chuck's statement condemns all non-Christians to hell. Chuck has a right to believe what he will, but not a right to misrepresent the Catholic Church.

Saying its so doesn't make it so. But we are all free to do whatever our beliefs lead us to do. The only stick is when we cannot reconcile our differences when we have to interact with those who believe different. Wars are fought over such conflicts of belief.

Hey, if it wasn't about God, couples would fight over how to fry the chicken, or bake it. When two humans get together, no telling what they will disagree on, doesn't matter anyway, because all that matters is how they resolve the differences to the benefit of both.

Then you have a happy couple, until the next big issue arrives. Half of them say forget it, and get divorced when they have had enough of the knucklehead they married.

As you can see this is my humble way of getting back to the OP's relationship question, and not turn it into a members discussion.

Please don't judge all Christians on the basis of one woman who spent her Sundays (all day?) at church. That's not at all what I am saying. They absolutely did not spend all their days at church obviously. It's juts that they didn't seem to have any other 'playdate' option for Sundays. There's no doubt they were trying to influence my daughter. My decision to be how I am has nothing to do with one person's agenda, it's just the way I am. I'm not that reactionary. :)

Was there one specific event that made you a christian?

Thank you all for your responses. I do not want to tell my kids that there is or is not a god; i want them to make that decision on their own. I am just afraid my (future) wife would continually try to sway them in one direction. I do agree with doula. I think it would be best if we told our kids. "this is what mommy believes, and this is what daddy believes, you're free to make your own decision."

Like every other conflict in a relationship, i guess communication is key.


You are exactly right... communication is key. When expectations are not shared and discussed, problems frequently arise.

Your children may have some foundation in your wife's faith, but as they grow up, they will certainly decide what makes sense to them and what they feel is the right path to take.

Children often handle differences far easier than adults as we tend to be more set in our ways. They tend to be more matter of fact about such things. If their parents are fine with things, it will be the norm for them.

Was there one specific event that made you a christian?
It was an informed intellectual decision, and I've been married for 43 years to an atheist. We have found that communication and compromise have solved all of our "religion" problems.

Sorry but if a person is a real believer, ( not just claims to be a Christian) For a Catholic, they will believe anyone not "saved" will go to hell, and to be honest for a parent to accept their child is loss to all eternity would not be acceptable at all.

.

Some do feel this way, while others feel this is covered through 1 Corinthians 7:13-14. Basically stating an unbelieving spouse is covered through the believing spouse as they are seen as one in God's eyes. This also then covers any children as well.

For the OP, this may help your future wife rectify any concern she may have with this issue as well.

It was an informed intellectual decision, and I've been married for 43 years to an atheist. We have found that communication and compromise have solved all of our "religion" problems.Cool, same here. :)

Some do feel this same, while others feel this is covered through 1 Corinthians 7:13-14. Basically stating an unbelieving spouse is covered through the believing spouse as they are seen as one in God's eyes. This also then covers any children as well.

For the OP, this may help your future wife rectify any concern she may have with this issue as well.

But in this case we are viewing it though Catholic doctrine and teaching. And they have the belief of original Sin>

But in this case we are viewing it though Catholic doctrine and teaching. And they have the belief of original Sin>

Few humans follow the doctrines of the main church as closely as they would like. Especially when there own human flaws get in the way, like falling in love with a guy/gal from another church.

Like a republican and a democrat getting married, they vote differently, but have the same goal in the bedroom, thus producing kids that are purple.

I am an atheist and she is catholic. How would you go about resolving issues, such as, where to get married, whether or not you send your kids to church, etc etc.

I hope you have an indication of what you face with this girl, but if you cannot talk at least and reach a compromise then you won't last any way, but if you both have open minds to each others feelings, there is hope.

Unfortunately, some are more open minded than others, and I hope your girl is part of the former, not the latter. I hope you are too!

Talk about it, when it's the right time.