It is very hard to explain, ours is an arranged marriage. First it was rough, but then because of the Indian marriage system we got used to each other and had two kids. It's been 15 years with lots of ups and downs. Slowly, but gradually I developed this bond for my husband that cannot be explained with mere words. Now after 15 years, I completely realized that I am in love with him... I love him so dearly that every single cell in my body is longing for him. He is a very gentle, loving, caring, and quiet person, respects women and family... but the sad thing is I don't know if my husband has ever loved me. He shops for me, helps with household chores, listens to my opinions, makes decent money... does just about anything for me, even if it means his life. But he never ever says "I love you". I understand some shy people just won't.. but then never in his life has he expressed any interest in spending time with me in any single way.. He just does his part of husbandry duties like his old man... The way he treats me,if not for my age, I could be his daughter. It is not like I've not told him a million times about this, but he never seems to understand or at least remember my demands on how to treat me.
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For example, I tell him "next week remember to ask me out for a date, a movie, or to a restaurant, or atleast for a walk", He will completely forget it, alarms, reminders, hidden hints nothing works... then I get pissed off and ask him why he did not do it, he will give a million excuses... then I hope that he will do it the next week at least... he won't. Similar excuses.. I can take him out anywhere, but he won't. He forgets that I am a woman and must be treated like one. After repeating episodes like this day after day out of frustration and disappointment I cried first, scolded next, shouted, screamed, threw fits, finally after 15 years got abusive... like I got hysteria. I hit him few times even.. he endures all of it so patiently, I feel bad the next day, but the he seems to have completely forgotten the episode and again does what he is so used to doing.. forget everything I preached or demanded... I've tried for 15 years now to make him treat me like a wife but not a child. Please note that he is not Gay, does not have any other relationship, nor does he have any phyiscal problems...
If he had some love for me, with my crazy behavior I must have completely ruined it... but other than that I could not find any reason why he is like this... Is he sticking to me only for his parents and to show the society that he has a family life? If so (if he does not love me), then why does he care for me so much? If not(if he loves me), then what is causing this indifference towards me? Why does he not have any feelings for me? When I show my interest or some romance, he reciprocates by faking it... He tries very hard to show that he is enjoying and that breaks my heart. I tried taking him out on a trips without kids, changed houses, furniture, etc, hoping the change of lifestyle would kindle some passion... nothing worked... he is like an old 1940's husband... old at heart.
What do I do? I dress up well, hug him and show that I love him, cook things he likes, treat his family the best, help in fixing stuff around house, make decent money (he is not stressed at work either), have raised good responsible kids, but what else can I do to make him love me? I feel so empty inside, I want his love, his romance, his hugs... but only get the faked ones... I am now worried that I am getting old and old without enjoying anything in life... Whenever I get this self-pity I make his life miserable by shouting and screaming... Today I asked him to get out of the house out of frustration and he did walk out, not because he was mad, but to avoid conforntation and to postpone dealing with me... I know he will come back tomorrow, but not with a changed mind... what am I doing to the marriage? I cannot enjoy life with any other man (may be he will with a better woman), but I am already 35 and before I get parched out completely I want to enjoy some quality life with him... but he won't.. what do I do now? Please help me.

Hi Nila:

A human heart is as deep as the ocean, as dark as the universe, as vast as the existence. First of all, thanks to God that you have a caring husband who takes care of you, at least. There are lots of couple I know who have severe abusive relationship, both physically and mentally. If someone is abusing this relationship, it is you, unfortunately my dear. There are couple of scenario which may lead to a solution:

each person has difference expression of Love. May be this is how he expresses love. You cannot force someone to love you in a particular way. Moreover, if there is a huge age gap, this could lead to misunderstanding in expression of feelings which is very natural.

the food for human heart is love. A heart is fridge to death if it is not loved or love someone. Since he does not have any relationship elsewhere, it is certain that he loves you. There is no doubt in it.

Be thankful for what you have and think of other 35 year old woman who has not got married yet, may be they will never be. You are life is so full.

Whatever you said makes total sense... Changing myself is the easiest thing to do and I sure am thankful to my husband for taking care of me. But I believe marriage is more than living in the same house. My refusal to life an inferior marriage life and my incapability of finding a way to change it is what has made me more compulsive. I've got this more than strong feeling that if I don't enjoy my life now in the prime time of my life and the happiness (with the man I love the most ) can offer, when will I? May be 10 years down the road when I get too tired to enjoy intimacy in life, I don't want to regret letting this pass by and I already miss the past 15 years I lost. Yes, I did have my moments of happiness, and longing for it is what makes me very miserable. Well, life is not easy... either I change this situation for better or I leave him.. I don't know how I can be happier alone, but at least I will be happy that I saved my self-respect.

The entire time I read your post all I saw as I, I, I... at no point did you say you talked to your husband about this... yes, you yelled at him, screamed, and even hit him, but did you sit him down and discuss this with him?

I am going to go off what the first poster said as I agree with them. The age difference is what, I believe, is causing some of this and your reaction to it is causing the other.

The age difference because your husband is older and out of his prime persay...

You cannot force someone to love you a particular way. Expression of love or intimacy is relative to the person in question, there is no love standard.

To be honest, I would show him this post... communicate with your husband withoutraised voices or fists. Sit him down and make time for your marriage.

Hi Nila, I want you to stop doubting but be very sure that your husband loves you.Can you appreciate what he does, have ever thanked him for his love? Many people believe actions speak louder than words and I think that is why he just shows you by actions other than telling 'i love you' a million times. People are different, there are no two human beings who the same. The way you express your love different from the he expresses his love. Sit down and think of how God loves you that He gave you a caring loving husband. There a million women who can give anything to have that your husband. He doesn't have any other relationship now but if you continue the same way, he will get it which I know you don't want to happen. Your husband loves you and stop screaming and shouting at him.

If you are that much self-conscious then just leave and be happy being alone with yourself respect. But when you will be 50 and nobody is around, life will strike bad. Your husband ( ex-husband as far as your future plan is concerned ) will probably be dead by then and your children will be busy with their lives. Perhaps they will never forgive you for your selfishness.

Moreover, You are 35. Unless you are super hot , chances are that people will not find you attractive , so it will be hard to find a partner in future.

if you are that much self-conscious then just leave and be happy being alone with your self respect. But when you will be 50 and nobody is around, life will strike bad. Your husband ( ex-husband as far as your future plan is concerned ) will probably be dead by then and your children will be busy with their lives. Perhaps they will never forgive you for your selfishness.

Moreover, You are 35. Unless you are super hot , chances are that people will not find you attractive , so it will be hard to find a partner in future.


SURPRISE! People who are not "super hot" actually meet and fall in love when they are 35 and older.

I am also not aware that the majority of the population is dying at age 50.

While I'm asking, what does "a heart is fridge to death ..." mean?

The thought behind my leaving is not to find a better life. I will be alone for the rest for mylife, or may be I won't live to see my 50's at all. I am not planning to leave, at least until my kids go to college in another 5 years. I will try for another 5 years and if this continues then I will show him what living alone means. Then I pray to god he realizes his loneliness and will come back to me and that will be the victory of my fight for his love for 20 years. Well, if the opposite happens, and if I still survive that, I will be beyond doubt at that point.

In 15 years you have not learn to accept your husband for who he is, yet you speak of how much you love him. His very actions speak volumes about how he feels yet you reward his kindness with the selfishness you feel, and plot to punish him for his failure to give what you want.

You have no clue what a marriage is really about, and you need to make some changes in attitude and method for a man who is good despite your flaws. Instead of making him do more for YOU, do more for yourself, and initiate more with him not through notes or reminders, but with invitations, and pick your spots for these things so they can be enjoyed without stress.

Frankly you come off as a petulant, immature, selfish, spoiled drama queen, who knows so little about her husband that she cannot motivate him, nor know enough of him to communicate, and resolve any issues you have. Do you work? Can you support yourself?

Go visit someone for a week, and practice being alone yourself, because a good guy will find a good woman, who will know how to work with him, and appreciate and be grateful, his efforts, as they build a life they can both enjoy.

I bet truth be told, he puts up with a bunch of crap from you, and your leaving may be a welcome vacation. Since you don't understand him, then maybe you are not a good fit for him. Don't you have female friends that you can talk to?? You should have, and many more things you enjoy that make you happy, since life and people are far from perfect.

You are correct, I too realized these days it has become all about me. I think it is this way due to pure
Self-pity which is causing all these problems.

Will you believe if I say that my husband was reading what I typed last night (the above reply to whidskynet)
He was reading it out, with sympathy, looking like he fully understand my feelings just like the other times I've
Chatted with him... But from my previous experience I knew that he won't remember this incident next morning
And that's my exact problem...

He is 40 now, we only have a 5 year age difference. I think the problem is he grew up watching
His father's and grand father's ways. His father passed away last year and it has been just a year
Since he retired. His mother was telling me (she does not know anything about us,
This is the first group I've shared this)that all these years she had been waiting for him to retire
So he will have some time for her and she went on for hours... I was shocked to hear the same complaints
I had for my husband. But otherwise my FIL also is a very gentle, kind man.. A research scientist
And professor in the place I grew up.

I talked to my husband many many times, and when it did not work I set some alone time for ourselves,
Which he never cared to attend, then I set reminders in his cellphone, then I showed how sad this makes me,
And how happy we are when we are alone and together. When nothing worked I prepared a calendar for him...
And posted it right next to the TV and his desk, but after a point I am tired of this... Then I took him to a
Doctor to see if he has some problems in his brain... Nothing that serious... his selective forgetfulness
When it concerns me is preplexing. As a woman I have a right
To expect these things from my husband too... I would love to hold his hands and go for a night walk downtown.
He will certainly do it if I set his calendar... Then I heard his Mom's story which made it worse.

I don't depend on my hubby entirely for happiness, I do find my happiness with kids,
With service, my work, friends, movies etc. But certain things can only be derived from a
Partner... Is it too selfish to ask?

Please see my answer below... could not type my reply here for some reason

Thanks Jackeve, I treasure him and he knows that... From the way he talks to me he is 100% confident about my love for him. Even when my mother in law stayed with us for few years, she told me that my husband is like a clay in my hands. But I am failing to mold the clay... May be I treated him like a child and he is not interested in me as a wife anymore? There is a name for this syndrome (this geek of my husband will know the name, or pretty much every topic in the world). Or is he so confident that he does not have to try for it? May be he just does finds it very shy about this business? How do I take it any further and make him understand? What are my next steps? There are guys among the members, why would a guy not want to romance with the wife? I don't look ugly.. We've always been complimented as made for each other.. I want to consider every option and make our lives better

Comment on Talanimans' post


While I appreciate your time in this matter, I really wonder why you call yourself a 'senior family & people expert'. You show so much hate for a person. Call me names, and throw so much filth. Yes, I do have friends and I don't like to share my personal life with anyone... that's why I came to this group as an anonymous person to clear my head!! I need help!! To find a way to make "our" life better and let out some of my feelings. Sorry to say this, but do you hate women? I am less than perfect and that'w why I am here asking help. If you are incapable of helping anyone, please don't talk this bad. I accept your apologies

Forgot to mention this out of the hurt your comments caused me, but I did extract some good points from your comment too.. You are 100% right in saying that I am immature. I would not have hurt my husband if I had been a little grownup. May be if I had talked to my Mom about this I would have gotten some good advice. But for some reason I can't.. So far I've only spoken to a doctor and this group. And you are also right in saying he did take some crap from me... not some but a lot of crap. But all of that was only about one thing!! How to achieve that one thing without giving him more crap or hurting my feelings is the problem at hand.

I do not hate you, but felt my bluntness would shake you into thinking of a better way to get facts, and information from someone that knows you well, and that you could share with. That's very important to share without fear with someone you trust, and who can tell you the truth, as one thing that I have learned in 35 years of marriage is its not that you have bad feelings, or are confronted with a problem, its more how you go about handling it that counts the most. Accepting the flaws of our partner is also extremely important since after 15 years you know him and must know he may not ever change.

Change yourself, and your methods, as that's all you have control over, and change is a thing that's is a process, and work, over years and decades. Have that talk with a trusted friend, and see what comes of it, as maybe there is a strategy that will make you happy. Hmm, wonder how HIS mom dealt with HIS father?

And I love all females, especially mine.

Bluntness... a very decent way to put it... but no problem. After all I am looking for some guidance here so I have to take it in any form or shape. Accepting a flaw is one thing, accepting and living with it is something else. My mother in law must have had more patience than me. She waited for 40 years , and learning from her mistake I am trying rectify it in 15. That's all! When they visited us for few years I watched them, and my mother in law runs to him for a little grunt. My FIL respected her too and asked her opinion on every thing, even stocktradin (just like my husband), but no more. They sleep with their door open, she sleeps after him wakes up before him, toils all day to get few nice words from him. I need to find a way to live mine better. Well, thanks anyway... will hope for best in the next 5 years... or at least to find out the truth in the end...

Nila, Tal's post that you find so hurtful is very close to what I have thought about saying. I am glad that you are thinking about what he said.

I understand that what you write here is filtered through fifteen years of pain and frustration. I think the pain has gone deeper than a friend or mother could help mitigate because you have physically attacked him and are thinking in terms of 'punishing him' and 'making him feel what you have.' I think you may want to find a counselor who specializes in marriage counseling. Someone who hopefully your husband would also agree to see.

First everyone stop using that stupid comment feature, answer the post. ( comments can not be rated, or edited) my only choice as a moderator is to delete your entire comment if it breaks even one of the rules, where a simple edit would normally work.

But love is not the same for everyone, and in your case it did not start with love but love grew,
It reminds me of the movie Fiddler on the Roof, where he asks "Do You Love Me"

But even in the land of love and rainbows, people forget that the Language of Love is not the same, some people speak actions, other speak words and others speak other things. And some don't speak at all.

He could be showing you how much he cares by buying you things, ( he may have been taught by his parents and society a man shows his love by supporting his wife.

He may show his love by doing things for you, his shoping and the such, and he may be saying, why does she not love me, I do all this for her.

First, may I call your attention to the guidelines for using the comments feature found here:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/feedback/using-comments-feature-24951.html

Please learn the rules of this site before you abuse its features.

Second, when posting a follow-up question or info, please use the Answer options at the bottom of the page rather than the Comments.

Third, No expert here calls themselves an expert. The title is earned based on the quality of the advice given over a significant amount of posts. So your attack on tal was totally uncalled for an off base.

Thanks Cat. I did not hurt my husband voluntarily. When I tried to get out of the house for some fresh air after a heated argument in the middle of the night one day, he tried to stop me from going. I got so mad and kicked him on his shin asking why do you worry about my physical safety or health when you care the least for my mental happiness. If I had been in my senses I would not have done that. The next few times when things like this happened I got worried that I am losing my nuts and bolts and that's when we went to see a doctor.. . It did not help much as he got so bored and started complaining about the cost. Also leaving him is not to punish him. I want to deperately see if he will come back for me. That's all.. I will never live to see him in pain.. If I know that he will really suffer without me, that will be end of this long fight. I've told him this million times, but he yawns when I speak, has become like a clock ticking

Oh.. you mean counselor! I was thinking of a shrink for some reason. So far I did not think that we had marital problems... this really surprises me. I thougt we both had some mental problems that is not allowing us to learn from experience... I will definitely give it a try. Thanks

Whether he seeks counseling with you, or not, it would benefit you to talk with someone about your feelings, and concerns so maybe you can formulate a better plan of action that works for you.

I mean, if it took the better part of 15 years for you to warm to each other, it may well take 15 more to make progress. Heck I am still working to progress in my own marriage of more than 3 decades, and marriage is a works in progress until the day you die!!

There will always be issues to address, and resolve, even after the kids are grown and gone, and the grand kids are bouncing around.

You want things to work? KEEP WORKING!! When you get tired, and stop working, then its over!! It's that simple! This ain't no romance novel!

Thanks Cat. I did not hurt my husband voluntarily. When I tried to get out of the house for some fresh air after a heated arguement in the middle of the night one day, he tried to stop me from going. I got so mad and kicked him on his shin asking why do you worry about my physical safety or health when you care the least for my mental happiness.


Deliberately kicking someone in the shins during an argument is most definitely not an involuntary action. You have to take responsibiity for that kick - you meant to hurt him and apparently you did.

Your marriage sounds toxic.