So my husband and I have been married for 9 years; we met in the military, fell in love and got married. We have 4 children now and lately things have been less than great. We have had our ups and downs like most married couples, but I am no longer happy. The thing is that I go through these spurts of being happy then not happy, but lately it has been more unhappy than not.

It all started about 6 years ago. After we finished our military service we moved to his hometown. I immediately started working to support our family because I was much more marketable than him; it would easier for me to get a job, but I was pregnant at the time (not showing). Anyhow, I secured a job at the bank while he stayed home with the kids. Meanwhile, I had been putting in applications in for him everywhere, I wrote his résumé, I bought him a wardrobe for the job hunt, and I simulated interviews to sharpen his skills. After a few months of failed attempts, a very good fortune 500 company called him in and he was hired in a matter of days. By this time I was about 8 months pregnant, so we decided that because his new job offered better benefits and I was not FMLA eligible, he would work and I would stay at home with the kids. I started attending online school with my GI Bill which gave us a lot of extra income.

He was responsible for paying the bills, but he would lie about doing so. I remember the day our truck got repossessed, I had no idea it was even in danger. And why would I? He would always say that he paid the bills, but he was only making partial payments and was about 2 months behind. Keep in mind that the truck was on my credit because he had a poor credit history to begin with, in fact everything was. After the truck, I started checking the other bills which were not being fully paid either. But what could I do, I was due for a c-section in weeks and I had two kids that I could not afford to put into day care so I could work at that time. On top of this I found out that he began rekindling things with an old friend in his hometown via phone (or at least that is all that I have proof of).

Finally, after I had my third child I went to work immediately. I had secured a job for myself at the same great company and had been there for 5 years up until last year when I was put on bed rest for my 4th pregnancy. Then in June, we decided that after my leave was up, I would resign my position. At that time we both were full time students with the GI Bill.

Almost a year and now I am a stay at home mom. My GI Bill just exhausted in March, but his continues. I help him so much with his work; I tutor him all the time and help him to study for test. Well today, he wakes me up at 7 AM about something to complex to get into but basically having to do with a grocery shopping trip in which I spent $13, $33, and $7 all in one day (we have a family of 6); but anyway, he started going on about his money, his truck, his everything, etc. My comeback was “really…if it had not been for me you would not have this house, that car, and everything that you have”. So I told him to do his work on his own without me! I have made so many personal sacrifices like repairing his credit and destroying mine, my career goals, etc. I feel underappreciated and taken advantage of. What, now that he has things again he does not need me anymore? And I feel bad because if I leave, I know that he will have to pay tons of child support eventually, and my kids will grow up with divorced parents.

The problem that I am having is, now that I am not very marketable (bad credit, only a 2 year degree) anymore, how do I leave? I have nowhere to go, no family (parents died at 10 & 11), no car, and no money. Getting a job requires putting 2 of my children in daycare which he is not going to pay for. His schedule is rotating, meaning that my availability for a job would suck, and asking one of his family members to help out is not an option for me.

The sad thing is that we have the same goals in life and I really love him as he does me; but counseling is not an option. He will NOT do it! And I am over him and over this! I just want to be happy before I die. I am only 29 years old, I am physically fit, I have a good work ethic, and I know that I can be happy with someone else eventually (though I probably won't be ready for this for a long time).

Please, WHAT SHOULD I DO?? I even tried to rejoin the ARMY earlier today to get back on my feet, but prior enlistemnt is currently closed!

With four children to consider, I hope you try options to repair your marriage, before you end it. They are due, at least that much.

The first thing I would do, is lay down the law. Start with a new attitude, and new expectations. Getting all the bills on the table, and having a true picture of just where things are financially.

Set a budget, and take over the finances yourself. While he should be able to do this, he isn't doing a very good job, and maybe you taking over will take the pressure off him, and thus reduce the anxiety you both face, over out of control finances. Destroy the credit cards, get rid of any overdraft he may have access to. Every month, sit at the kitchen table, put the expenses on the table, and make sure everything adds up. He should at least agree to that.

Try not to go back in time. While it is easier to do to justify going forward on your own (we all have good reasons), put the past in the past where it belongs, and vow to never bring up past faults, old grudges, or mistakes made.

After establishing the budget, try to set some time aside for yourself. No helping him with homework, no housework, no kids. Get yourself out of the house, and go and do something you enjoy. Visit friends, go swimming, get a haircut, Renew yourself, and enjoy some well earned- scheduled- 'mom time'.

You could extend that to include you and your husband time (get a sitter, go to a movie), or family time- hit the park, etc. Even if that is only once a month, but schedule it so you don't lose what is really important in your relationships with both your husband, and your husband and your children.

Money problems are right at the top of my list of why couples break up, and it is hard to see beyond the problems, and not be continuously stressed out and anxious about everything falling apart. Tackle one thing at a time, and you can get through this.

Remember too that his degree, while it is taking up a lot of your time, will eventually pay off; it is a temporary situation in that regard.

I don't know how old your children are, but even a small child can help out by having a routine that includes chores. Even taking out the garbage every day, or emptying the dishwasher, or picking up after themselves- never to early for them to learn they need to contribute to the running of the household too.

Please don't give up. It will take a lot of determination to establish some ground rules that everybody can live up to, but if your goal is keeping your family together, and your marriage intact, there is much to consider in going about making that happen.

Best of luck to you.

Jake2008,

First, thank you; At the end of the day I want to do what is best for my kids, and I am willing to live unhappily ever after so that they could have the life I always wanted for them. I guess I will call the guestroom my solace for now until I really figure things out. I'm 29 years ols and I am tired; I do not want to get older and regret sticking around. I guess only time will tell...

Okay first of all listen to what you said!! It has been you, you and you that has been doing everything!! I am so angry by reading this and I do not know you but was in the same situation!! I had 5 children and I left him and started over without him!! You do not need the stress and pressure tat you are going through and once a cheater always a cheater!! Get out while you can the abuse is enough and so freaking what if he has to pay child support hasn't been paying for anything else!! Go back and read what you posted, get some backbone and LEAVE!! I did it and me and my children are doing very bless and we do not miss the HELL that he has put us through!! GIRL GO!!

Its really simple to me. You get through the sad unhappy feelings, and work to make adjustments with your partner so your whole family can thrive and survive. That starts with you figuring out how to get through those obstacles in the best way, Like better managing the budget, with hubby getting an allowance, have a house hold allowance, and you manage the money. Trust me, take finances out of the equation, and for sure you will be happy.

Just so you know, I never saved a dime, or had an extra dollar until the kids grew up and left. So adjust your focus on the goals you have, and work through the obstacles you face. And whose happy all the time? I wasn't, nor was the wife, but through you just have to keep working until you can't, then you can leave.

Keep it cool, calm, collected and under control because to maniacs arguing get nothing accomplished, except having hurt feelings. Not productive at all.

Its called honest communications, and starts with you being honest with yourself, to find solutions with your partner. Then and only then, think about doing it on your own, which you are probably doing now any way, at least in your own mind that is.

Hello Jane, your children need you, I wouldn't advice you to enlist in the army. With your husbands profile, you will leave your children for hell.
Secondly I wouldn't advice you to jump out of the marriage too, you say he won't go for counseling, have you tried to tell him about it? Try it out alone if he refuses, he will eventually join you. From your post you both love each other and am sure you can work out things without separating. Your husband knows your potential, how hardworking you are that is why it has always been you, you, you. Can you let him know that it is him, he will even pay for daycare. Bring it to the table and manage the finances because he is not good at that. Then try counseling and pray. God will answer your prayers. Don't leave your marriage, what guarantee do you have that the next man is better than your husband? Are you sure you will be happy with those four children and No job?