I have been in an exclusive relationship for 7 years with my boyfriend. Just two days ago, I found out he had been living a lie. In 2005 when things were starting to become serious, I told him that if we were going to stay together, he would need to give up smoking, and get his college degree. He agreed, and "quit" smoking and"enrolled" in college.
For the next five years, he would work his full time job, "drive" straight to school, and not come home until 10pm at night. This went on until December 2009 when he "graduated" We threw him a party and he accepted gifts. 6 months later, I was asking him where his degree was. He told me that it was lost in the mail and he would reorder it. 1 year later I asked him again.. and he said he had reordered it a few times but it never arrived. I finally decided to take matters into my own hands. He came home one night and I asked him to sign some paperwork that would allow me to get his degree. I then asked him did he really graduate and he said yes. He signed the documents and we went to sleep.
The next morning as I was getting ready for work, he came in the room and told me everything- he had enrolled in school in 2005 but couldn't afford to go so he quit going to class. He failed his classes because he quit going, but planned on going back the next semester. Well he found out that since he failed his classes he owed 1200.00 and new he couldn't pay it because I would find out since we were on such a strict budget. So until 2009, he would sit in his car every night and read books and come home at the same time.

Basically he defrauded me... I was in a relationship that was fake.. I thought he got a college degree, meanwhile he was spending all those years sitting in his car pretending, and he never quit smoking, he switched to dipping. The crazy thing is I haven't kicked him out of my house yet.. he told me that he loved me so much, he knew that when he finally told me the truth it would be over, and he selfishly never did. He said he never meant to hurt me, and felt so much shame and panic that he could never bring himself to tell me because he wanted to be with me so much. He basically ruined all my plans, I was supposed to get married to him in six months, and I was counting on him having a college degree to make more money. My parents are appalled, and want him out of my life, and I don't blame them.

Long story short, he did a terrible thing, but I don't hate him. The thought of me being without him makes me so depressed. AT the same time when I think about it I get the feeling someone punched me in the stomach. For some reason I believe that he trully messed up, but that he would never do it to me again. My mom tells me that I am not thinking clearly and the lengths he went to to deceive me tells her he never cared or respected me. Am I out of mind to forgive him and move on?

Listen to your mother;there's something seriously wrong with this guy.

Don't even think about marrying him,leave him and rebuild your life.

I feel kind of sorry for the guy.

You wanted him to get a degree, so he could make more money. Not because you wanted to see him fulfill a dream, or invest in a future that he wanted, or because you were nurturing his talent. You wanted the degree, as you said, so he could make more money.

While he worked full time, then sat in his car 'pretending' to be somewhere you wanted him to be, he eventually, over a long period, got found out. While it is likely a relief, he also told you that had he been honest with you before you found out, you would have likely ended the relationship.

So what he did was, in an upside down way, try to do what you demanded he do, go to school, get a degree, make more money.

Why was he unable to be truthful to you from the beginning? Maybe 'just' a working man wasn't enough for you, and if he didn't get a degree, it was over. So, fake it and keep the relationship going, or stand up to you and say, no.

Would you have accepted him as 'just' a working man? From your words I don't get the impression that that would have been enough. There must be some reason he was so incredibly spineless that he had to do what you wanted him to, no matter what.

I think it's very sad that he sat in his car all those years, and couldn't muster up the courage to tell you a college degree was not something he wanted. And in the end he's right, it seems to be a big enough reason for you to end the relationship.

I can understand your disappointment at being fooled, but I can also see where telling you earlier he thought he was risking the entire relationship. For whatever reason he waited four years and had to be found out, it is out in the open now.

Can you forgive him? Can you talk to him, express your disappointment in the lie he lived, and accept him for who he is, and what he wants? While this is 'old' news to him, it is new, and devastating news to you. I would advise you to wait a few days, cool off, think about things, and have a good sit down with him and talk this all out.

And it really is between the two of you, and nobody else. Try not to be influenced by friends and family as to what you should or should not do. It is a private matter. One thing I learned early on in my marriage was to deal with relationship problems, within the marriage, where they belong.

I hope the two of you can work something out; best of luck.

I too am feeling sorry for the guy because he was really trying to please you to keep you. As touching as that is it was greatly misguided as he should have realized he couldn't meet YOUR lofty goals for him. He should have been honest.

But I think you temper your disappointment by accepting that's what happens when you try to change a person into what you want them to be, and they are not capable of meeting your high expectations.

If you cannot accept a person for who they are, you don't love them, for them any way. So maybe its best to end this misery and disappointment, because I am not sure if either of you will, or can change for each other.

He should have been honest, and maybe you would have been understanding.

Consider this- I stated my expectations at the beginning of the relationship. If he didn't like them, then we should have broken up. Instead he agreed, and I thought we were on our way to reaching "our" goals. He lied instead of being man enough to stand up for what he wanted. Now seven years later its really complicated. I feel like he will do this again to me in another form later on in our relationship if I stay.


I wasn't trying to change him, I thought it was what he wanted too

He may have thought he could cover it at first, get back into school, but then it just took on a life of its own... as lies often do.

When things didn't go well, he should have been honest about it. When he first enrolled, were you living together? Did you know what his classes cost? Was he not able to get student loans? Was he working towards a degree in something he wanted to do?

I feel sorry for him, but not because you may have put any pressure on him, we don't know... he may have been all for it and thought it was a good idea as well. I feel sorry for him because he didn't have the common sense to make things right from the start.

IF he truly wasn't interested in that path, he should have said so. If he felt he couldn't share that sort of thing with you, then he didn't trust you enough to love him and want to be with him otherwise.

Perhaps he had reason to feel that way, again, we don't know, but you likely do. Was it presented as an ultimatum... do these things or we won't be together? Could he have perceived it that way? That will be something you will have to consider.

There is nothing wrong at all for wanting a good income to have the sort of life you feel it will provide for you. However, it has to be a definite mutual goal or at least that of the person who would be pursuing it. The two of you will now have to decide whether you can achieve that together as things stand, and whether you want to even try.

Think about how much time you've wasted on this lier? One door needs to be completely closed before the other one opens. I don't see why you still hang around him.. it's time to leave him and let him know how important honesty is in a relationship!

Your mother is right he deceived you all that time that is not love. He doesn't want to loose you because you are too good for him. Its hard for you to let go of him because you are thinking of the person he pretended to be, not the person he trully is. You need to think about this... if he lied about going to school he could have lied about sitting in the car all that time how do you know he was sitting in his car reading books? Because he said so? This is a huge red flag that you can't ignore. The future can be predicted by the patterns of the past and he has an enormous pattern that shows he is a liar and will always be a liar. If you do decide to stay with him be prepared to support him because that's what he's looking for.