My boyfriend is in the military and his work has gotten really crazy. He wasn't supposed to get deployed this year but now that has changed and I've not heard from him in a month & half. He didn't break up with me. Before the silence he continued to express his concern with how I would adjust to the military life given that we only recently started dating and that I would struggle with the distance when he was deployed since I don't know anything about the military or military lifestyle. In the beginning I did leave a couple of messages asking him to call me and I sent a couple of emails trying to reassure him but I didn't hear back so I've stopped trying to reach him.

My friends who know him and our story have told me that he's trying to be the bad guy to protect me from the pain when he's deployed, hoping that I will think the worst of him and move on. They have encouraged me to drive the 8 hours to see him and find out what's going on and to tell me in person if he's breaking up with me or not. I just don't know if that's the best way to go. I've always been able to move on but since we didn't officially break up I feel like I don't have closure and I miss him a lot.

We honestly did have something really good till his unit got scheduled for deployment and his work got really busy. He had talked to his family about me. We had talked about family & a future together and there was genuine excitement that I had not experienced with ex boyfriends. I'm in my late 20's so I feel like I've been through my share of heartache and other experience to know the difference but this is a first.

I won't be able to drive over there for at least another 3 weeks but even then I don't know if it's something I should do.
I've read a lot of articles about no contact & not chasing... etc. but it's hard to find something that fits my scenario and the whole idea of showing your ex that you're fine without him so he misses you more doesn't work as well when he's so far away and there's no chance of running into each other and to make things worse, we don't have friends in common either.

I've started to accept that I may never get any answers but there are moments where I just want the closure so bad that I am tempted to drive out there just to officially end it myself in person so that I can move on.

As I mentioned before, My friends who know our story have told me that he's trying to protect me from the pain when he's deployed, hoping that I will think the worst of him and move on. I am more critical and think it could be something else... but no matter which angle I try to look at it, things just don't seem to add up.. so I just wish I knew.

Before you drive 8 hours, I suggest you send him another message asking him to speak with you, preferably by the phone. Once you get a hold of him, you can decide whether his heart is still in the relationship.

Furthermore, I suggest you mention in the message that if he doesn't respond, you will take it as if he has broken up with you.

If he responds, then arrange to speak on the phone to discuss what you both want.

If he doesn't respond, I would hope that his silence is his way of breaking up. Unfortnuately, you wouldn't have any back and forth, but silence is another way of breaking up.

Perhaps because your not looking from the right angle?

No matter what his intentions is, he's not responding and thus does not want to be in a relationship with you. Whatever his reasons is, you must accept that he does not want to continue this relationship.

When I came here asking for help, because I felt I hadent gotten any closer a smart man told me 'Let this be your closure and move on'. I would strongly suggest you to do the same.

Don't put your life on hold for someone else.

Best of luck!

I guess if I really feel strongly about contacting him, I will try messaging him again but I just feel like I won't get a response and maybe that's why driving out there might be easier as I'll see him in person or I'll at least meet his roomates and get some information as to what's been going on with him.

I like the comment 'Let this be your closure & move on'... I just hope that given a little more time I'll be able to do just that. For now it's hard. Even though the reality of the situation is that he has ended the relationship, I just didn't think it would be possible to go from a relationship filled with love to nothing in a couple of weeks. Two weeks before he went quiet we were planning trips together & talking about family, future, the importance of God in our relationship to get through the hard times and then once his work changed & immediately he got scheduled in for deployment. He was suddenly a different person and just kept saying he was concerned about how his crazy schedule, the demands of his job & pending deployment would affect me. And then 2 weeks later, all the promises & dreams went out the window! We had not been fighting or arguing and every time we were together, we had an amazing time. I feel like there must be something have been else or why would you give up so easily on something so good?
People reading this will probably argue that maybe it wasn't as good as I thought it was... and in that case he was a damn good actor! But it really was good... which is why friends who saw us together and know our story encouraged me to go see him.
Either way, you are right. Whatever his reason, he has chosen to end the relationship and I need to move on somehow. I don't intend on putting my life on hold for anyone. I just wish he had just come out & said he couldn't be with me for whatever reason. It would have hurt but at least I would have had some closure.

You have to be your own closure-and you should stop putting your life on hold for him.

Whatever his reasons are,it seems you are broken up so act accordingly and start putting your own life back on track.

Seems to me that going to visit him is consantly going to be on your mind until you actually do it. There's still a few weeks away before you actually have to make the trip, so it's a good time to try to communicate with him again.

Maybe driving 8 hours there and 8 hours back will give you completely closure. If that's what you need, then no one will stop you, but be prepared for anything, because it seems to me that he has already given up on the relationship and driving there might not make any difference.

But regretting not even trying to visit him could be even more painful than a break up, so this is something that you might have to do for yourself.

Just an FYI from a military mom... If the guy is preparing to deploy, he probably won't have the time to see you should you drive the 8 hours. I have 2 sons who deployed for a year. For at least 3 months they had no time to visit with their wives let alone girlfriends or family. One even had to miss the birth of his daughter.

So, he may not be ignoring you purposely, but because he has no time to chat, email, text, etc. I didn't get to see or speak to my son until 2 days before he boarded the plane for Iraq.

As you said I do have a few weeks to heal & make a decision as to what I want to do. I still don't know if it's the best way to go and as you & others have said, he has already ended the relationship and if he has a change of heart he knows where to find me. If everything he said was true then maybe some day he'll find it in his heart to explain why he checked out all of a sudden. I just didn't think people did anything like this... to walk away from something so good and after being so intimate (thoughts & actions) with someone. Either way, life will go on. I've got a lot of friends & family and an exciting job that keeps me busy so I know in time I will heal. But I know I'll always wonder what happened... and that's the main reason I've considered taking my friend's advice and driving over there.
Thanks again.

If that is the reason I've told him I'd support him regardless but in the past, if there was any training coming up he would at least send a quick email or text just before to at least say that much. It sounds like you & your family knew that your sons were in training. He gave no indication of when he was going to be deployed or that he would be in trainings. It was literally the case of one day he's in my life and the next day he's gone. Since we were in a long distance relationship and his family is in a different state, I never met got contacts to find out from them if they know anything either.

So do I still assume that we're in a relationship?
I'm just trying to say that if he was going to start training for an undecided amount of time, he could have just sent me something quick to say so. He was always very good at communicating. My schedule is just as crazy and if we couldn't talk he would always just send me updates as to what he had going on.

My life is on track.. :) Thanks to a very demanding job, a lot of activities & friends nothing has stopped. But it's different because despite our crazy schedules we had something good that filled a void I didn't realize even existed... and whatever he has decided I would respect it because at the end of the day we all have to do what is best for ourselves. I just wish he had communicated something even if it was a quick email to say that he had way too much on his plate and he needed to be by himself. As much as I loved him, I would not have stopped him from doing what he felt was right for him. I just expected the common courtesy of being informed after the relationship we had with all the promises & dreams that were shared. I didn't think it would be possible to walk away so easily from something so involved..

At this point, leave a message with him, so that ball is on his side of the court, so no need to overanalyze his thoughts and actions.

If he responds, then go from there. If he doesn't respond, take that as an indication that he no longer wants to keep in touch with you.

Lastly, you still have some time on deciding whether to visit him or not. But if there's no response from him, I'm not sure what you're expecting from him, but chances are, you might not like it. Because if he really was your priority, he would have made contact with you long before you joined this site.

I hope that you will be able to find some sort of closure one way or another.

The way I see it, this is your first taste of being with a military man, and before you act impulsively or unwisely, wait until you hear from him because he obviously is not in control of anything at this time. You would be better served finding his family, and they may be in the same boat as you are. I would hate to see you drive 8 hours and still not get to see him.

Be patient a little longer. Maybe the base Chaplain can help??

Thanks.. I guess being patient seems to be key. I still haven't decided on whether I should go over there or not but I have 3 weeks to think about it and hopefully in this time I'll figure something out.