MsAnthrope
Apr 25, 2011, 06:17 PM
My mother is 68 years old and I am worried about her, but I can't stand to be around her.
She recently lost her mother, my grandmother. My Grandmother was 92 years old and my mom was her full time caretaker. I know she is having a very hard time. She has never been in my grandma's house without my grandma there and now she is having to deal with sorting through all her things, guilt from leaving (she left my grandma with my uncle, her brother, who then put her in respite care which lead to a fall which lead to my grandma's death).
So while I am hurting for my mom, I don't know how to save her from herself. Over the past few years she has become more and more of a heavy drinker. She has become pretty much someone that NO ONE wants to be around. She talks over you, she is always right, she talks non stop, even in "polite company" people are obviously uncomfortable with how she talks and talks and doesn't let anyone else speak, how her talk always revolves around how something "should" be done or what people are doing wrong.
She is drinking pretty much from morning to night and absolutely denies that there is a problem even though her drinking has lead to some of the most horrible and shocking behavior I have ever witnessed from her. Stuff I never in a million years would have considered her capable of, like telling my brother (nine years my senior) that she wished she'd aborted him (and saying it front of my 18 year old son), showing up drunk to my wedding, refusing at the last minute to walk me down the aisle because I forgot her corsage, throwing a big tantrum at my wedding reception because her steak was "too small" and not served FIRST. Just unbelievable. And once when I confronted her about her drinking and very calmly told her I wouldn't be leaving my kids with her due to those concerns, and concerns that she would drive with them in the car after drinking, she went ballistic and screamed at me and told me to not bother coming to her funeral. And all of this in front of my kids (18, 13, and 8).
So as I've illustrated she is just horrible to be in the same room with. She has "written off" everyone who has said anything to her about this. She won't speak to her brother, because he called her on the drinking and driving. She says he has betrayed her.
She accuses everyone of being selfish, disrespectful, and of no help to her. She LOVES to be the martyr.
I am honestly dreading the time coming when she needs to live with me. I just hope I have money when that time comes to pay for a full time nurse because I can't stand to be around her for more than a DAY! I am 39 but with the way she is drinking and neglecting her health (she has emphysema as well and refuses to quit).
The worst part of all this is that she wasn't always like this. Yes, she was always a bossy, pushy person with a tendency to be controlling. But she could still be rational. You could tell her she was being hurtful and she would discuss it with you like an adult. And she didn't forget everything (another concern since my grandma had Alzheimer's) like she does now. And conversations with her weren't COMPLETELY one-sided. It amazes me how RUDE she is now. This is the same woman who taught me manners? Who taught me about respecting other people's space, about not interrupting, about trying to be on time? Now she interrupts constantly, even during "polite" conversations, she smokes wherever she wants until security shows up, she seems to think about nothing but her own needs and desires.
She's just vastly different from the mother that raised me and I am saddened that my younger kids really don't remember the "before" Grandma. Just this crazy mean version.
So I suspect there are many things going on here, alcoholism but I don't think that's it on its own. My son (the now-19 year old) stayed with her for 2 weeks after her mother died because he was afraid she would kill her self. She's alluded to it before. And that scares me and makes me angry at the same time... it's emotional blackmail! What kind of mother says something like that to her child, her grandchildren?
So as her adult daughter I am at a loss. I don't want to tolerate her toxic behaviors but I am hesitant to cut off ties because that feels like abandonment and she needs HELP. Ironically she told me today that I needed to be on meds. And that drinking is not "being drunk" and so I'm the one with a problem. Having grown up with alcoholics (father, brother, grandfather, first husband, etc) I am familiar with this sort of talk but I never thought I'd be hearing it from her.
And what about my oldest son? I know he is an adult and can do what he wants, but gosh, I know it's not healthy for him to be around her either, but he feels like he needs to protect her from herself, and I can understand that oo. But when he is with her, voluntarily, she is verbally abusive to him as well.
Thanks for reading all this. I tried to keep it short, believe it or not!
She recently lost her mother, my grandmother. My Grandmother was 92 years old and my mom was her full time caretaker. I know she is having a very hard time. She has never been in my grandma's house without my grandma there and now she is having to deal with sorting through all her things, guilt from leaving (she left my grandma with my uncle, her brother, who then put her in respite care which lead to a fall which lead to my grandma's death).
So while I am hurting for my mom, I don't know how to save her from herself. Over the past few years she has become more and more of a heavy drinker. She has become pretty much someone that NO ONE wants to be around. She talks over you, she is always right, she talks non stop, even in "polite company" people are obviously uncomfortable with how she talks and talks and doesn't let anyone else speak, how her talk always revolves around how something "should" be done or what people are doing wrong.
She is drinking pretty much from morning to night and absolutely denies that there is a problem even though her drinking has lead to some of the most horrible and shocking behavior I have ever witnessed from her. Stuff I never in a million years would have considered her capable of, like telling my brother (nine years my senior) that she wished she'd aborted him (and saying it front of my 18 year old son), showing up drunk to my wedding, refusing at the last minute to walk me down the aisle because I forgot her corsage, throwing a big tantrum at my wedding reception because her steak was "too small" and not served FIRST. Just unbelievable. And once when I confronted her about her drinking and very calmly told her I wouldn't be leaving my kids with her due to those concerns, and concerns that she would drive with them in the car after drinking, she went ballistic and screamed at me and told me to not bother coming to her funeral. And all of this in front of my kids (18, 13, and 8).
So as I've illustrated she is just horrible to be in the same room with. She has "written off" everyone who has said anything to her about this. She won't speak to her brother, because he called her on the drinking and driving. She says he has betrayed her.
She accuses everyone of being selfish, disrespectful, and of no help to her. She LOVES to be the martyr.
I am honestly dreading the time coming when she needs to live with me. I just hope I have money when that time comes to pay for a full time nurse because I can't stand to be around her for more than a DAY! I am 39 but with the way she is drinking and neglecting her health (she has emphysema as well and refuses to quit).
The worst part of all this is that she wasn't always like this. Yes, she was always a bossy, pushy person with a tendency to be controlling. But she could still be rational. You could tell her she was being hurtful and she would discuss it with you like an adult. And she didn't forget everything (another concern since my grandma had Alzheimer's) like she does now. And conversations with her weren't COMPLETELY one-sided. It amazes me how RUDE she is now. This is the same woman who taught me manners? Who taught me about respecting other people's space, about not interrupting, about trying to be on time? Now she interrupts constantly, even during "polite" conversations, she smokes wherever she wants until security shows up, she seems to think about nothing but her own needs and desires.
She's just vastly different from the mother that raised me and I am saddened that my younger kids really don't remember the "before" Grandma. Just this crazy mean version.
So I suspect there are many things going on here, alcoholism but I don't think that's it on its own. My son (the now-19 year old) stayed with her for 2 weeks after her mother died because he was afraid she would kill her self. She's alluded to it before. And that scares me and makes me angry at the same time... it's emotional blackmail! What kind of mother says something like that to her child, her grandchildren?
So as her adult daughter I am at a loss. I don't want to tolerate her toxic behaviors but I am hesitant to cut off ties because that feels like abandonment and she needs HELP. Ironically she told me today that I needed to be on meds. And that drinking is not "being drunk" and so I'm the one with a problem. Having grown up with alcoholics (father, brother, grandfather, first husband, etc) I am familiar with this sort of talk but I never thought I'd be hearing it from her.
And what about my oldest son? I know he is an adult and can do what he wants, but gosh, I know it's not healthy for him to be around her either, but he feels like he needs to protect her from herself, and I can understand that oo. But when he is with her, voluntarily, she is verbally abusive to him as well.
Thanks for reading all this. I tried to keep it short, believe it or not!