Girl Friends First time
So my girl friend feels that our first time was not special, and that it was more for me than it was for her, she feels that I didn't take into account her feelings and that it was rushed. And she resents me for that. What can I do or say to her to make this better and assure her that this was not the case?

Due to talking about sex, would you please give your ages?

Pretend we are your girlfriend. Convince us it was not rushed and not just for you. What arguments would you use?

(Since we weren't present at this event, we have no idea of whose pov is more accurate.)

Ages 18 and 18 and have been dating for 13 months and she just brings up the issue of resentment now.

I honestly I don't know what to tell her. I don't want to say the wrong thing.

Was it rushed and just for you?

What did she expect -- did she say?

No it was not just for me, I wanted us to be closer, and she did not say what she expected.

Also I admitted to her that I had not made it special, and she said "you can't change that, so stop arguing, accept it and try to make it up."
What does she mean by that?

Is it only the first time she's complaining about, or is she having a problem with how you are every time?

Have you asked her how you are supposed to "make it up"? (You're not a mind reader, after all.)

Its only the first time, because that was most special to her.

Okay she said I should try to make it up to her, how can I do that? What do I say to make it up to her?

Have you asked her how you are supposed to "make it up"? (You're not a mind reader, after all.)

What's done is done. I don't think there is any way to "make it up." And I'm not so sure she should lay that demand on you. That's not fair. No matter what you do, she can always come back at you and say, "That wasn't good enough. Try harder."

I said I can start by appologizing and she repsonded "For..." so how sohuld I word my apology?

Something like

"Im sorry babe for not telling you everything, you had a right to know about the things that had happened before i met you, and i understand that would have cahnged everything, im sorry for rushing into thing and not considering your feelings as much as i should have and for that i was wrong as well, i dont want you to resent me babe i just want us to move on past this, be togehter and take things slow from now on, and i can assure you that every day we spend together will be special."

Does that work?

I'm so confused. How long ago was "the first time"?

And there's no reason to divulge your entire dating and sexual past to her. That would be the exact WRONG thing to do. It will give her the opportunity and green light to throw that back into your face during an argument.

First time was 11 months ago, and she thought I was a virgin and I never told her I was not because she never asked me, and everyone has always told me that what happens between you and a person stays between you and them, its like that bond that will always be there even though that person is not in your life.

She is still harping on something that happened eleven months ago??

everyone has always told me that what happens between you and a person stays between you and them, its like that bond that will always be there even though that person is not in your life.

I have a bridge to sell you if you believe what "everyone" tells you. ("Everyone" is wrong, by the way.)

This relationship is still in its infancy. If I were you, I'd be very careful what I would confide in her.

Did you rush her? Was she not really wanting to move to that level in your relationship?

Did you lead her to believe that you were a virgin or did the subject just never come up? Does it really make a difference to her for some particular reason? Does she feel you kept that information from her?

I agree, I don't see what specifically you need to make up to her or apologize for unless you misled her, and moved the relationship forward faster than she was wanting it to.

i can assure you that every day we spend together will be special

No, you can't. There will be things that rock her boat, and you will have no clue what she is talking about and have no understanding at all why her boat is rocking.

You will not always live up to what she thinks you should be, and, if you are on a never-ending quest to please her, both of you will be sadly disappointed. That's not to say you aren't a good guy and want to make her happy, but her definition of "happy" may be diametrically opposed to what you think is "happy."

That's why honest and frequent communication is at the heart of any relationship.

No I never mis led her, and she was a virgin so losing it is a big deal to her.

She is still wanting you to make up for something that happened 11 months ago? What has your relationship been like since that time? Have you been feeling as though you owe her or that you need to keep proving yourself?

I feel like I have to keep proving myself

i feel like i have to keep proving myself
Why? Does she demand that you do?

Prove yourself to be what?

Its not even proving, its like she wants me ot make it so she doesn't care about not making the first special, but I can't figure out how to do that.

its not even proving, its like she wants me ot make it so she doesnt care about not making the first special, but i can't figure out how to do that.
I'm still confused.

Rarely is the "first time" special, especially for the female. She doesn't know what to expect, there will probably be some pain and maybe bleeding, she rarely has an orgasm, and her partner doesn't have a clue how her body reacts (and she doesn't either).

What did she expect to be special? It sounds like she's been watching too many soaps or chick flicks or reading too many Harlequin romances.

"The first time" is something we want to get over with and then get into the work of making the next 500 times much better.

I honestly don't know either, I feel like she is looking at movies that make it all sound amazing but I honestly don't know what is more special than having it be with someone they love.

If it hasn't been turned around for her by now, it isn't going to happen.

As Wondergirl said, the first time often is not fireworks and roses. Besides, what you make of the relationship outside of that is what is more important.

Be very careful that this one incident isn't something you end up having hung over your head; that you are made to feel as though you will never make up for. If that is the case, you won't please her. This is something she has to resolve for herself.

At some point she will either have to let it go, and focus on more important things, or you might have to make some tough choices about staying in the relationship.

i honestly dont know either, i feel like she is looking at movies that make it all sound amazing but i honestly dont know what is more special than having it be with someone they love.
I really do think she is being unrealistic and chewing around on old tuna salad that should have been thrown out and forgotten about ten months ago.

The first time for most of us is NOT amazing. In fact, I haven't come across any female yet who sighed happily when recalling her first time. Most of us have funny or tragic stories to tell. (I have one of my own, but will spare you.)

I think if you want to make it up to her, giving her oral is a good start. She can't say it was all for you in that case!

Jason, when did she start saying it wasn't special for her? Just after it happened or when she found out that you had sex with someone before her?

This is sounding more like a punishment than anything else. I don't think there is anything you can do to 'make it up' to her.

She needs to come to terms with the way things are instead of wanting you to go back in time and change things to suit her. If she can't, then she needs to be by herself learning how to be a mature individual because she definitely not being a partner.

Stop allowing her to make you feel guilty about things you can do nothing about now.

It was just like a month or 2 ago that she started actually telling me that she resented me for that, and between those times we did have sex, so its just the first time she resents me for

If she can't resolve this issue in her own mind, then you are going to have to make some decisions, because it doesn't appear anything you do or say will change things for her. She doesn't even know what would make it better for her, so how are you supposed to know?

Maybe she's heard stories from other women, maybe she read an article in a magazine, maybe she saw it on a talk show, who knows, but somehow she has it in her mind that she got the short end of the stick the first time. Has she told you what exactly about the situation bothers her so much?

You will have to decide how long you are willing to be resented for something you can't change, and have tried to make amends for.

Well I think she may know what she wants me to do but she said you can figure it out on your own, its your decision so I'm stumped

well i think she may know what she wants me to do but she said you can figure it out on your own, its your decision so im stumped
There is nothing you can do. Nothing. Whatever you do will not be the right thing or enough. She needs to grow up.

Aren't you reading what we are posting in this thread?

well i think she may know what she wants me to do but she said you can figure it out on your own, its your decision so im stumped

She is playing games. "If you don't know, then I'm not going to tell you". This is not part of a mature relationship. Open communication is key... not guessing games.

It sounds as though you may be in a no win situation. You can just try different things, say what you think she wants to hear, do what you think she wants you to do... throw stuff out there and see what sticks... what appeases her.

Then you can tell her that you have done all that you can and now it is HER decision whether it is enough. Then YOU get to make another decision... is this the sort of back and forth relationship you want to remain in. I think you are dancing on egg shells trying to keep her happy.

As Wondergirl said, I don't know what else can be suggested.

Last thingm she said what would make up for taking my first time away from me. I don't think anything could make up for that.

When did she find out it wasn't your first time?

If this is something relatively new, then she is using it to hurt you for something else that has happened or to keep you from finding out about something else.

What else is going on in your relationship that is being ignored while she has you chasing your tail trying to fix something that can't be fixed?

She thinks I stole her first time away from her, and she was like what could make up for that? I decided I had to be more clear sorry

Does she feel that way because you weren't a virgin (which you can't undo) or because she was expecting it to be something more, (which we already said is not uncommon, and again, nothing you can undo)?

That you "stole the first time away from her"... did she participate willingly or did you push the situation and she was not really wanting to?

You know, if she was willingly participating, it is not all on you to make it wonderful for her. She plays a role in how it went as well.

You said it yourself... there is nothing you can do to make her happy about it. There comes a point of deciding it is time to let be what can not be changed. There is no sense at all in going round and round with it.

I'd tell her you have tried to make it up to her, but since she refuses to tell you exactly what she expects from you at this point, then you aren't going to continue to discuss it. It is futile, and only continues to be a wedge between the two of you. Then leave it up to her whether that is good enough and the two of you can move passed it and build on your relationship. If not, end the relationship, cut your losses, move on, and someday you can find someone who is truly ready to be in a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship.

Or, stay in it, and hope someday you will learn to read her mind... obviously it's your choice what you want to contend with.

She feels that way because I was not a virgin, and she didn't know that.

she feels that way because i was not a virgin, and she didnt know that.

Well time for her to accept it and move on , and you need to tell her that. If she can't maybe time for you to let her go.

You can't keep trying to appease her if she won't even give you a hint of how you can help , that's just immaturity on her part in my opinion. Any good relationship is based on good communication , not one party holding the other to ransom over something that's happened and can't be taken back.

Yeah I guess, I just don't want to give up with out a fight, with out knowing I di and said every single thing that I could have.

yeah i guess, i just dont want to give up with out a fight, with out knowing i di and said every single thing that i could have.

Not expecting you to give up , however comes a time when she has to accept your willing to sort it out but you need some input from her on how to help.

Her telling you to sort it out for yourself is immature , and you need to stand up for yourself and tell her. Otherwise how long is she going to hold a grudge , and more importantly how long can you put up with it?

she feels that way because i was not a virgin, and she didnt know that.

There is nothing you can do to change that, make her forget it, or cause her not to be bothered by that. She has to deal with that herself.

You apologized for not being upfront about it before, that is all you can do.

Tell her you love her, are sorry you didn't share it with her before, and that you want to move forward on the relationship. If she won't accept that and let it go... then you can continue racking your brain trying to come up with some other way to make it go away, or you can save yourself a good deal of torment and move on.

So do you think she will deal with it over time?

so do you think she will deal with it over time?
We don't know. Stay in touch.

From what you have said, everything was fine until about a month ago. So, for 10 months she was content if not happy with what happened.

It isn't the act that she had or has a problem with. It is her perception of what happened that seems to have changed. That is not something you can 'fix.' It is up to her to accept that she wasn't your 'first.'

In her defense, if you knew she thought it was your first time too and you didn't correct her then she could see it as you told her a lie. If she sees it as a broken trust, then you have already done all you can to make amends. She has to allow herself to trust you and for the 'damage' to heal. Have you ever given her any other reasons to think you were lying to her?

I will tell you this and maybe it will help her. My husband was a lot more experienced than I was when we got together. It didn't bother me because I feel that everything we do together is a 'first' for us. That makes it special between us.

Good luck.

Okay thanks ladies for all the help I really appriciate it.