My daughter is 15years old and has had the same boyfriend for almost three years. I use to think he was a nice boy but recently I have found out differently. He treats my daughter very badly. About six months ago he hit her on her arm and left a bruise the size of a large mango. She was afraid to leave him - so her school guidance councillor told me-so she stayed. He controls her telling her who she can talk to and where she can go. She even gets yelled at if she comes with me to the grocery store. He talks to her horribly and breaks up with her all the time telling her she is a slut and not worth his time, then he'll be nice for a while and she goes back. He has cheated on her with at least 8 other girls. A month ago she decided she had enough and broke it off, but now she has decided she loves him too much to stay away. I told her she is not allowed to see him and all she does is sneak out and lie to me about where she is. When I catch her in her lies she denies until I threaten to go speak to his grandfather who he lives with. She has even stolen her grandmothers car 9she has no driving experience or license) to go and see him during one of their fights and he slashed the tires so she couldn't leave and so she would get in trouble. This boy lives on the first nations reserve and has a different lifestyle than we do as far as rules and school go. He dropped out of school this year and is permitted to do anything he wants and essentailly has no rules at all to follow at home. Ive seen my daughter in so much emotional pain because of this guy and can't understand why she would want to even be with him, but she does. She is even treatening to move out as soon as she turns 16 at the end of the year and is very serious about doing so if I don't let her see him- she has asked the school councillors and police officer what her rights are as far as leaving home, I don't believe that she is bluffing at all. What in the world do I do with this child? I can't stand the fighting and crying anymore, Ive even been put on antidepressents because of this relationship. Im a single mother and also have an 8yr old son who crys and acts out when ever I disipline her. I don't want to lose my daughter over this boy or risk damaging my little boy either with all this drama -HELP!!

I am 17, so let me tell you what makes a bad boy so attractive : the fact that your parents won't let you see him. I understand you don't want to loose your daughter and you don't want her to get hurt, but there is no easy way out of this. If you want your daughter to stay, you have to let it go. If she stays and you say nothing, she is still in the relationship and potentially getting hurt, I know. BUT, if she leaves, chances are she will get even more hurt. Not expressing your concern is not easily done I imagine, but if you keep telling her how much you disapprove, you will loose her. So you're probably thinking : "am I just supposed to shut my mouth and look at my daughter get hurt in an abusive relationship?".. well, for the time being, yes. What you described sounds terrible but there is room for escalation. You just hope that she will have had enough and leave. If it does escalate dangerously, call the police. Another thing you may want to try is talking to her friends. She is more likely to trust her best friend telling her she is worth so much better than a cheater and control freak than her mom who "just doesn't understand". Last method (you may not like) is involving her younger sibling. You said you don't want to affect him with all the drama because he is too young but he most likely already understands a lot of what's going on and he already has an opinion about it. He should, with a little push from mommy, go tell his sister he is worried about her, that she looks sad, anything a cute 8 year old can come up with. It will surprise her that a young child is concerned (which is probably very true on his part anyway).
Conclusion : don't nag, cooperate with friends and get your son to speak out.

OP you do whatever you have to to get her away from him. Against her will if nessisary. Press assult charges against him. Move, move schools. Drive her to and from school until she is brave enough, or until he leaves her alone.

This is NOT OK and it will ONLY lead to her growing up and accepting it and marrying him and being stuck with him for the rest of her life.

She is 15. YOU are the boss. YOU make her decision FOR her, and MAKE it happen. She is NOT able to make the healthiest choice for her self and you need to step in for her. She may resent you for it now. But realistically, teens will resent us no matter WHAT we do. And if you Don't do this NOW, when she is an adult she will STILL resent you. Stand up for her. And do what needs to be done. Trust me she will thank you for it when she is old enough to understand

sarahjenner:

Find a time when all is calm to sit down with your daughter. Preferably when your son is at a friend's or family member's home. He should not be involved in this at eight years old.

Let your daughter know how much you love her and care about her. Ask her point blank why she has put up with the abuse. List it for her if need be. Ask her what would she tell her best friend, or a sister if she had one, if she saw these things happening to her? Would she honestly encourage her to stick around to be hit, called names, yelled at, and cheated on? Wouldn't she want better for her best friend? Wouldn't she want to do all that she could to help her best friend out of the situation?

Let her know that this is how you are feeling. This boy does not love her. He simply wants to own her and have power over her and he does it through fear. If she is afraid of him, let her know you will help her, however that needs to be done.

Love does not hit, cheat, curse, belittle, or lie.

I would just like to add to Jenniepepsi and Doula's advice (both of which are good), that if this boy is physically harming your daughter-that's violence. If he's slashing your family vehicle's tires-that's vandalism.

He could use a chat with the local law enforcement. You say he lives on a reserve but are residents of that reserve still under local jurisdiction? Take this as personal-he is beating your family members and vandalizing your property. He needs to be reported.

I know it's difficult to go against your daughter's "wishes", but in this case her wishes are simply unacceptable. If you doing what it takes to keep her away from this boy-even locking her in her room-makes you the enemy, then so be it.

I'm sorry to hear about what's happening to your family. I hope you can get control back soon. Please keep us posted

This boy lives on the first nations reserve and has a different lifestyle than we do as far as rules and school go.

Have you been to see the council yet? What have they told you about this situation? It needs to stop now.

Ask her what would she tell her best friend, or a sister if she had one, if she saw these things happening to her?

You could even ask her how she would feel if she witnessed you being abused by your boyfriend (if you have one, or her father if you are married).

I am 17, so let me tell you what makes a bad boy so attractive : the fact that your parents won't let you see him. I understand you don't want to loose your daughter and you don't want her to get hurt, but there is no easy way out of this. If you want your daughter to stay, you have to let it go. If she stays and you say nothing, she is still in the relationship and potentialy getting hurt, I know. BUT, if she leaves, chances are she will get even more hurt. Not expressing your concern is not easily done I imagine, but if you keep telling her how much you disapprove, you will loose her. So you're probably thinking : "am I just supposed to shut my mouth and look at my daughter get hurt in an abusive relationship?".. well, for the time being, yes. What you described sounds terrible but there is room for escalation. You just hope that she will have had enough and leave. If it does escalate dangerously, call the police. Another thing you may want to try is talking to her friends. She is more likely to trust her best friend telling her she is worth so much better than a cheater and control freak than her mom who "just doesn't understand". Last method (you may not like) is involving her younger sibling. You said you don't want to affect him with all the drama because he is too young but he most likely already understands a lot of what's going on and he already has an opinion about it. He should, with a little push from mommy, go tell his sister he is worried about her, that she looks sad, anything a cute 8 year old can come up with. It will surprise her that a young child is concerned (which is probably very true on his part anyway).
Conclusion : don't nag, cooperate with friends and get your son to speak out.


With advice like this, I hope you NEVER have children!

While it is true that girls often are attracted to a bad boy because of parental rejection, what makes Leona's advice factually wrong and worthy of the reddies given is that the boyfriend has been physically abusive.

As for threatening to leave at 16, ANY question on law needs to include your general locale as laws vary by area. So we would need to know where to advise you on whether she can leave or not. In most areas she has to be 18.

I'm also going to add one point here. You said she has been with him for 3 years. That means you allowed her to date at 12?? Maybe if you had put your foot down then and she would have been more mature when she started dating (like at 14) and would have been better able to handle this. I suspect this has been her only boyfriend and she has become such a part of him that its hard for her to separate herself.

You might think of having her go to counseling to help her understand why she can't leave him.

Got to spread the rep. but thanks for mentioning the age when she started dating this boy. I missed it.

Thank you to eveybody that has answered, your responses have definitely gotten into my head. My daughter has been seeing a councillor regularly for the past 8months and maybe that will take more time to be affective? I do blame myself completely for allowing her to be involved with this boy for so long, as I mentioned she was 12 and in middle school but in the beginning I suppose I didn't see her having a "boyfriend" as a big deal when this all first started as the term boyfriend was very loose. They hardley spoke to each other, had each other's friends ask each other "out", really only communicated through their friends, I thought it was fairly innocenct at the time, it was when high school started that they really became close, and when I got to know him. I have expressed to her how I feel, and she is insistent that this boy has changed. I asked her the other day to write down all the reasons as to why she thinks he is so great (doctor suggestion) but as I read all 3 pages of her response I can't believe what I was reading - I think she is delusional. Things like he is the only thing that makes me happy, he is always there for me, he recognizes when he does something wrong and tries to fix it, determined, caring, loving, and the list goes on. She was been grounded for the last 2months - grounded for 2weeks off a day and lies and sneaks to be with him and then grounded again. All she does is cry and wish that she had his family instead of her own, she is so unhappy it just kills me, she is depressed I'm sure but her councillor doesn't see it. I assume she puts on a happy fake face for her, and of course I am not privy to what they talk about, only if she intends to harm herself will the councillor tell me what's said behind closed doors. I was a very young mother and have raised her on my own from the start and I just can't believe that she would tolerate violence in any way (even if as she says it was only once) because when I marrried and became pregnant with my son it wasn't even a couple days after his birth that my husband became abusive with me. It took me 6months to get the courage to leave him and had to do so with heavy police protection as he was extremely violent and controlling with me. Although she never witnessed the actual violence (I sent her to stay with grandma while I prepared to leave) she did see me with broken bones and blackened eyes,she knew what was happeneing. She was 8 at the time and went through a lot of therapy for that. She hates my ex with a passion because of what he did to me but yet she condones it with her boyfriend. So I understand so much more than she thinks I do, and I assume my fear for her stems my my own experience with abuse. The only difference is, I did not stay or want to stay to get beat up on a daily basis. I know that behaviour like this gets worse not better. And as far as her wishing she had his family instead of her own is questionable as well. I have recently learned that this boys father is abusive to his mother - learnt behaviour in his case I guess. Oh Lord, what have I set her up for - all I want is what any mother wants, for her to be happy and healthy and successful in her own way.

Have you spoken to the local council yet about this boy? Its possible they will intervene for you.

When you say local council, do you mean the council on the reserve where this boy lives? I think that is what you mean and I have never thought of that before. I have spoken with his aunt and his grandfather both whom insist that they should make their own decisions, which of I course I think is nuts. I am going to go investigate and see who it is that takes care of business on the reserve and speak with them right now. Thank you for your advise.

Good luck to you sarah. You may not be able to do much to correct this boy's behavior by means of cooperation with his family members, and that is unfortunate. Do keep on seeking justice for his destructive actions against your family and property.

And regardless of his caregiver's child-rearing techniques, you do what it takes to protect your daughter.

Please keep us posted, and good luck.