collin0000
Apr 16, 2011, 02:14 AM
My name is Collin. I'm twenty-two years old. I'm an average human being. I feel like I don't have a purpose in life, like my existence has no meaning. I've felt this way since I was in high school, never being completely comfortable in most social occasions. I started hanging out with the cliché “rough crowd” in high school, and after being the quiet “goody two-shoes” kind of kid, I changed. I skipped school constantly, never really wanting to be there and eventually not wanting to be around the people there altogether, either to avoid awkward conversation or personal embarrassment to my personal attendance and lack of commitment towards graduating high school. Even when I was considered a “good kid”, I still never cared for school. I was very antisocial, and didn't have that many friends in middle school and early on in high school. I also never attempted to do my homework, resulting in poor grades. Usually when I would come home from school I would just escape reality and zone into my make-believe computer world. I've been more comfortable talking to people through a computer, or on a game. I never really had that many friends in real life, and the people I did hang out with didn't seem to enjoy being around me too much; I was usually just the tag-along. I then got to hanging out with different people during my later years in high school, and started drinking at an early age, even getting a DUI at age seventeen. It all went down hill from there, but at the time I just told myself that I was like every other high school kid who just wanted to drink to be cool or whatever. This eventually lead to me dropping out of high school, or rather getting kicked out. My parents were highly disappointed to say the least, and this resonated within myself, but I chose to hide this feeling, and kept on hanging out with the same people because it was cool and fun at the time. I met a girl with whom I thought I was in love with, (I'm still not %100 sure what love is) and that changed things quite drastically for me. We had a very rocky relationship, never %100 fine, a lot of drama. I developed an alcohol problem due to this, and was drinking myself to sleep most nights of the week when I could get away with it at home. This didn't help things at all, but I still wanted to be with her, and we continued off and on for several more years. All of the sudden recently, I just find that I no longer care to talk to her unless I am bored, not in the sense that I'm mad at her or something, but in the sense that I just don't feel any love anymore. I don't really feel a whole lot towards anyone at the moment, and I'm almost even disinterested in meeting new people and women altogether. Afterwards, I then went and got my GED, and actually got some college scholarships based on my test scores, as odd as that sounds. I ended up accepting a full ride to a community college, and I felt like I was starting to finally get things on the right track. But I blew it, and repeated my mistakes in high school, failing most of my classes based on never going and when I went I didn't apply myself to them. This was a reoccurring incident with me, as I continued to pour my parents money into this community college only to come back with academic probation, due to never going to class. Now currently I guess I consider myself a college dropout, and am not doing anything worthwhile or productive with my life. My parents want me to stay in school, but to be honest I'm sure I'd just end up wasting their money and time again and again. All of the people I used to hang out with have grown up and moved on, and most of them have actually bettered themselves. I stand out from this group, being that guy who is still mooching off his parents and not doing anything. I just feel like I'm not worth anything. I feel like I'm not of use. And my behavior reflects this. Yet I don't do anything about it, and time after time and chance after chance I keep telling myself that things are going to be different this time and I always blow it. I realize deep down I'm just a spoiled kid that has gotten everything I've asked for and more from my parents. But I'm not a kid anymore. I'm an adult now, and have nothing to show for it. I probably have a grand total of like five friends now, who are all working or in school. They have conversations about their personal lives and struggles either about school or work, and about how tough or exhausting it is. All the while I'm sitting here not doing anything at all, but disappointing everyone around me. I just feel empty, not sad or depressed, but like I have nothing to strive for, almost as if I've accepted being a complete loser. The only goal I can remember having was to be the first member of my family to graduate college. I never even came close to accomplishing it. I can't think of one other productive goal that I've had, probably because I have never had any. At one point I decided that enough was enough, and I was going to try and change things around. I quit smoking, and was very proud of myself. I thought I could transfer this into school, and convinced my father to provide me money to fund my tuition again. But yet again, I blew it. I just don't understand what's wrong with me. I don't' understand why I don't want to better myself. I know that I'm lazy, but you would think there's a certain limit to how lazy one can be. I just, don't feel anything now. I don't have anything to do all day, so basically I wake up eat and play video games. It's a sad existence. I feel very pathetic, and probably because I am. I hate the fact that I can't make my parents proud of me, the fact that I can't make my family proud of me. I'm ashamed that my little brother is everything I ever wanted to be. I'm ashamed that I don't have the discipline to accomplish anything. I'm ashamed of myself in general. I'm so ashamed of my failure in school and life that I pretty much lie to everyone that talks to me about it, including my parents. But yet all this time I've still been spoiled, letting my mother pay for my living expenses at her expense, while not providing any kind of benefit in return. I can't really hold down a job, usually end up oversleeping and getting fired. I feel like I don't really have anyone to talk to anymore. I guess I never really had anyone to talk to about this anyway. I've thought about enlisting in the military, but to be honest I'm probably too afraid to do anything like that. I believe I'm scared of things that I cannot control. I'm scared of not amounting to anything. I'm scared of waking up one day to being that one guy that manages the Wendy's down the street. I just want to know why I'm here. Am I here to fail? Am I here to be that one person that people can tell their kids not to become like? I can't commit to anything, or anyone. I always find fault with everything. I'm never completely satisfied. I've gone from average to far below average. And with every tool I've had at my disposal, every advantage I've had, I've wasted. Other people would probably trade places with me easily. But yet here I am wasting it all. I'm worthless. I don't know what's wrong with me.