Son, wife and children almost never contact us. If they do it is because there is some kind of crisis, after the crisis it goes back to 'normal' and we might as well live on Mars instead of less than half an hour away. I miss seeing my grandchildren and feel they will be lost to us unless there is a change in their attitudes soon.

How much do you reach out to them with cards and letters, phone calls, email, etc. Do you invite them over for a meal or even just a pizza fest?

They get phone calls and emails every two or three days.

They get phone calls and emails every two or three days.
What do you say when you call and email? Do they converse with you? Do they try to get off the phone as fast as possible?

Does a "crisis" consist of their asking for money?

Hi we have about a 2-3 time frame before we are told that they are preparing dinner, going out or are busy right then. I txted dil and her response was 'what's up'. Son is looking for work and we are being supportive by phoning to hopefully brighten their day to know that his parents care. His Dad has supported him through some very hard times in the last year by driving him around to certain venues and being with him in confronting situations, and a professional told son that he should be very proud of his father. They don't ask for money.

Are the kids involved in homework, after-school activities, bedtime by 9 or 10? Do they usually have obligations on the weekends?

I'm getting the sense that they are a pretty busy group of people, with the dad out of work and the mom trying to hold things together. What do you mean by "certain venues" and "confronting situations"? Something to do with the job search?

There are many things that they could include us in but they choose to ignore us. We could help them in their busyness to ease the load and we are willing, and they know it.

I do not want to be too specific about the other things but broadly speaking it was to do with legal matters, and our support was given unreservedly and unconditionally.

Once the current 'crisis' is over we appear to lose our value in their lives and the result, they step out of our lives till the next time they need us. Frankly, this is offhandedness and unconnectedness from them towards us is leaving me disillusioned.

When I was young and raising children, I did not want either set of parents involved too heavily in our family life, especially the financial and legal parts of it. We lived near my in-laws, so we spent every holiday at their house (my family was 650 miles away), and my husband's parents took my two sons every summer for maybe two long weekends (depending on what plans were made to do what). During the school year, my in-laws did not see our children apart from us, their parents.

I'm wondering, what would you want, if you could set up a plan for your son's family and children? Do you all share holiday dinners (Easter is coming up)? Why not plan that and invite them to save the day to at least eat and visit for a couple of hours? Would they say no? If so, why, do you think?

Good idea, thanks for your time.

Good idea, thanks for your time.
I'm being dismissed?

Sorry if it sounded like that, I appreciate your thoughts. Things have just got very busy here and I am expecting company in about 5 minutes, so I have to opt out now.

It's impossible online to know all the reasons parents and other relatives are being ignored or held at arm's length. You write with a certain amount of reticence and reserve, and maybe that has passed on to your son. I'm not sure about calling to brighten your son's day when he is out of work - how bright can they feel? They know you care. They may reject offers of child care simply because they don't want you to know (from the kids) all about what is going on.
If you can afford it, I personally would give quiet financial help. Surprise them by paying the electric or oil bill, without a peep. Buy a new car and give them your old one and say that the dealer said it wouldn't be worth a trade in. (It sounds like your DIL is using the only car?) Your husband driving him around; that wasn't embarrassing for your son? Having someone tell him he should be very proud of his father? Probably very true, but not in front of an uncomfortable situation.

In other words, I would think in terms of distant help for now. Sacrifice your hurt. They WILL appreciate you when they are back to normal.