Hi community,

I really do come here with some degree of desperation, and I hope that I can get some answers, I really do. Me and my wife are apart at the moment, we have always been since we met, because she is from overseas. We have spent a lot of time apart, but thanks to technology we keep in touch every day. In the last 2 years, we have spent about 16 months together.

Anyway, about every six weeks or so, she has these "spells" where she will be online, and want to argue with me... we got married, I swore my life to her, and I mean it... but it still happens. I Love her dearly, and 90% of the time, we are perfectly fine... we are working on her visa, we are about 85% of the way there, so close, then she can come and live with me.

But when she argues; the insults, the accusations that I am with other women, etc, etc... it has been happening for so long now, I am starting to get really hurt, I don't know how much longer I can put up with it, I really don't. I do not "generalize" about women; I do not intend to blame her periods, whatever. In fact, it is in no way in sync with her cycle at all, I have tracked it. She's 39 years old, and she has not had a child yet. Perhaps she feels unfulfilled?

She certainly is a "family girl", and we are planning a child soon, but sometimes I cannot get over the hurt she puts on me. I wondered if she may be heading for early menopause; sorry, not a generalization again, just an educated guess based on what I have heard.

I got another tirade of abuse last night, and I feel like I am at a breaking point. She has no personality disorders as far as I know, aside from insecurity, which she claims all women have. I have asked her to consult her doctor about this, but she will not, I don't know why.
Can anybody please offer any advice? Or has anybody ever been in a similar situation?
I Love this woman with all my heart, but I'm wondering how much more I can take.

Thanks in advance,

AJ.

I can't attempt a diagnosis online,but mood swings,issues around insecurity and rather extreme jealousy-does this only happen when you live apart?

How long have you known each other?

What's her family/cultural background?

Sorry for all the questions,but some more info would be good.

If you can't handle the bad when it comes around, then you don't need to be married, and if 90% of the time its perfect, is not good enough, then its you who need some adjustments.

Just don't take that 10 percent personally. Heck that's darn good in my book. I think the distance makes you BOTH insecure.

Thanks peoples :-)

Like I said, I really care about here, and I don't want to generalise or "put her in a box" so to speak... but I shall answer you both in sequence:

Talaniman; It is not the % of times that it happens, all couple argue, I'm 44, I know this. The problem is the depth of the insults and accusations. Granted, I AM in a position where I could play the field, but I am better than that; I don't intend to.

Amicon; we have known each other for around 3 years, started as friends first. I do know that she was cheated in the past, but she has had a few years with me, and she claims that she knows it would not happen with me.

Her family background is Thai; she is a devout Buddhist, youngest of 4 daughters, and the other sister have no kids. Only one of them has been married before.

No problems with the questions :-) Like I said, I think the world of her, and the last thing that I want is for anything to fall apart.

AJ.

I will , at great risk of abuse , generalize about women.

Most of the women I am familiar with seem to have a tendency
To think that their men ,once out of sight, are hunting for clandestine sex partners ,
To some degree or another.

And also seeing the behavior of many many men do exactly
That, it is a curse we put on ourselves.
So we need to learn to deal with it.

As Tal said. If it is good 90% of the time
Buck up , you're doing very well.

I too hate being accused of something I did not do.
I do enough wrong to answer for on my own
So it is especially hard to deal with accusations
Where I am blameless.
It happened once. ;)

Communicate with her all you can about this and keep
Assuring her of your fidelity.
. That leads to you better understanding each other
And makes it easier to deal with the 10% of the time
You are at odds with each other.

Look around you carefully and see that it
Could be so much worse and be happy that
You are a 90%er.

It doesn't matter where you both started, but over time, good couples come together to establish boundaries of good behavior that they both can agree on.

If you are so scared of losing, or offending a partner, you will seldom communicate honestly with them, and have resentments because of your own lack of courage to tell them when they cross a line with you.

Me, tell it straight, that maybe all women do go off in these rages and tirades, but you will have none of it, and if that's the best way she can express herself, she can screw herself. Something of that nature is what needs to happen for their to be any change through compromise.

Maybe females are like that, ( many are ) and I am sure her rants, and vents are honestly how she deals with her stress, and frustrations, so maybe you tell her, deal with her insecurity in a more mature way, because you won't stand still for any abusive behavior what so ever. Honestly stand for yourself to establish boundaries.

That's hard to do when you are apart, extremely hard. You have to understand that, and the history behind it. But see this as starting to establish the pattern of a relationship, and unless you honestly let her know where your line is, it will never be respected. Just because they try you doesn't mean you say nothing and cave.

You have an obligation to always stand for yourself, and don't have to compromise your own dignity, and self respect, and don't let others compromise it either.