Gump84asb
Apr 9, 2011, 09:55 AM
Hello all! I'm not sure there are any easy answers to my situation here, but I figured I'd tell my story and see what you all have to say... here goes...
I first met Sarah in early January of this year. She is currently a doctor in the first year of her residency, so it was never particularly easy to meet up with her due to her busy schedule. Long story short, we didn't have our first date until the very beginning of February (a Tuesday). I didn't know too much about her before this date, but we met up for sushi and had a wonderful time. When we left, she gave me a hug and told me to call her because "we definitely should hang out again". That weekend she went out of town, so I didn't end up talking to her again until the following Monday night. At that point, we set up date number two for the following Friday. Date number two was similar to date number one in that we seemed to have an absolute ton in common. At multiple points during the date, Sarah would make comments saying how she is glad I work close to where she lives (as I live 40 miles away from her but work 10 miles away) and how it will make it easy for me to come by and see her when she doesn't have much free time. I left the date yet again with her asking "when am I going to see you again?". The following Monday was Valentine's day and I had hoped it would be then, but she informed me she had to work and it would have to be some time later in the week.
Sunday night she called me and let me know that her work schedule had changed and she no longer was busy on Monday. I asked if I could see her and she agreed. The next day, she sent me a text in the early afternoon saying "Happy Valentine's Day, I'm looking forward to seeing you tonight : )". I met her at about 7:30 and we had a spectacular dinner and a great time together. It was once again a night full of discussions of things we would be doing together in the future and her letting me know how she was very happy. I walked her back to her apartment and was invited in to "get out of the cold before walking back to my car". To me, that was an open invitation for a first kiss, so I immediately took the chance and it was perfect. As was the norm, I got a "when am I going to see you again". This time, we planned to meet up on Thursday and if Thursday didn't work, that Saturday night we were going to hit the town with one of her best friends from college. 30 minutes after I had left her place, I received a text that said "Thanks for dinner, I had a great night :)!" I didn't talk to her on Tuesday. Wednesday I sent her a text asking if I would see her the following day to which she replied "I would love that! I'm going to a happy hour with some co-workers , would you like to join?" I jumped at the opportunity and met her at 7:30 the next day. It was somewhat of an awkward night as she and her friends talked about medical related topics the entire time and I didn't have much to add. Either way, we left at 10pm and I walked her to her car. She apologized for the discussion and told me that her brother won't even go out with her and that group of friends anymore because of that very reason. She then asked me if I was still planning on going out with her on Saturday and told me that it might end up being a "girl's night out" in which case I would just see her on Monday instead. I kissed her good night and we both went home. This is where things changed drastically...
Saturday evening she called me and asked if I was going to come out with them. She let me know that I was more than welcome to come, but it was going to be a group of 6 girls going to a club so I might want to invite some people. Otherwise, she said she was off on Monday and we could definitely hang out then. She also said she might try to go out a little early a meet up with me for a drink before she saw her friends. I told her I needed to call some friends and see if anyone didn't have plans yet and that I would call her back. I called her back 45 minutes later intending to let her know that I only had found one free person and I would just see her on Monday. She didn't call back so I texted her an hour later to give her the news. Once again, I didn't hear back. The next night, I called her to figure out what we were doing Monday night. She neither answered nor responded and, long story short, I didn't see her on Monday. I tried calling again the following Thursday and got the same treatment. At this point, I had convinced myself that she obviously had changed her mind or something and that it wasn't worth continuing to try. In a moment of weakness on Saturday, I sent her a text asking her if everything was all right and asking her to please call me. 30 minutes later, my phone rang and it was Sarah on the other line. She apologized for the previous week, came up with some sob story about drinking too much, losing her credit card and phone (I later found out she didn't actually lose her phone) and asking me if I wanted to come over on Monday night to have dinner with her as a "peace offering". I accepted, went over, and once again had a great time - it was as if the previous week hadn't happened. I was going out of town the following weekend and she asked me "will I see you again before you go to New Orleans?" We left it at a maybe and I went home again thinking that I was going crazy. I attempted to see her Wednesday night, but we couldn't make it work. Thursday, the night before I left for Louisiana, she sent me a text "Have a great time in New Orleans! I'll be thinking of you!".
I left for my trip and didn't talk to her much other than a couple of texts back and forth. The following Tuesday, the day before I was to return, I sent her a text asking when I could see her? She said she wasn't sure and asked me to call her when I got back. I called her Wednesday night and once again, she didn't answer. She responded via text the following night, telling me she'd call me the next day. When she finally called me, she made plans to stop by my apartment on Saturday after she went house shopping. I waited around to hear from her and then she texted me right around when she was supposed to stop by and basically told me that she found a place and due to paperwork and such, wouldn't be able to see me that day. I was going to be near where she lived on Sunday, so I tried to make plans to see her then. After another day of stuff coming up, I once again was unable to see her. She called me later that night and led the conversation with this gem: "I have to offer you an out". Essentially the conversation consisted of her informing me how she is absurdly busy and how her life isn't going to change in the short term. She couldn't promise to see me more than every week or so. She said she's not dating anyone else and she is the busiest she's ever been in her life. She wanted to ensure I was OK with that if we were to continue dating. Stupidly, I said I was despite the fact that I am not known to be overly patient.
Skipping over some non-essential details, we had tentative plans to potentially see each other for a little while on St Patrick's Day and then spend a lot of time together on the next day, a Friday. I didn't end up seeing her on Thursday because she went out with friends first and drank a little much and then Friday, she called me at 5pm to tell me she was exhausted and wouldn't be able to see me that day. She said she'd come by the following day though and we would hang out for sure. I heard from her that Saturday at about 10:30am and she let me know she was having breakfast and then would come over. She eventually got there at about 2pm. We hung out for a couple of hours and once again had a great time. One thing led to another and before I knew it, she was leading me to my bedroom and we slept together. After this happened, she basically told me that she didn't really know if I liked her up to that point, that I wasn't overly aggressive with her, and that she didn't want me to be dating other people now that we had hit that point. She had to leave shortly after but told me she might come back later that night.
She didn't end up coming back, but called me the next day and told me that it wasn't like her to do what she had done the previous day but she didn't regret it and had enjoyed it. She told me she really liked me and talked about how we could now start spending the night over each other's apartments. I didn't talk to her much other than a few texts back and forth until the following Thursday. That night, she called me and asked me if I wanted to go down to Washington DC to see the cherry blossoms the next day. I said yes and she said she'd call me after work the next day so we could meet up. She called at 4pm on Friday to basically tell me that something had come up but I was welcome to come down to Arlington, VA with her instead (she already had plans to meet a friend down there). I said yes yet again and she told me she'd call me a few hours later. The rest summarizes the rest of the night: I got a text at 8pm telling me she hadn't left yet but plans had fallen through again and she didn't know what she was going to do that night. She was going to see what her other friends were doing. I sent her a text at 9pm asking if she had any updates and got no response. I called her at 10pm and she didn't answer. She sent a text back at 10:05pm telling me she had to go pick some of her coworkers up that called her to come out. I asked if I would see her that night. She responded at 10:30 saying "Ummm....I think we're probably going to make it a girls night, sorry." Stupidly, I responded saying "No need to apologize, have a good night!" despite the fact she ruined my Friday. I didn't talk to her again that weekend.
Monday, I sent her a text in the morning asking how her weekend went and if she wanted to go to a hockey game with me the following night? She responded telling me that she would love to go and was looking forward to seeing me. I picked her up the next night at 5pm and we went to the game and, from what I could tell, had a great time yet again. I took her back to her place and spent the night (though we didn't have sex). I sent her a text that Thursday night asking if she wanted to see the cherry blossoms on Sunday with me (her off day). She responded that it depends on her Saturday work day and she would let me know. Long story short once again, I didn't hear back from her and found out she went to the cherry blossom festival on Sunday without me. Monday morning, I stupidly sent her another text asking how her weekend was and if I could see her sometime early in the week. An hour later, I got this gem back: "Listen, sorry I haven't responded. I've been thinking and you should know I really do like you as a friend but I'm not interested in dating you right now." I asked if she was really going to end up via text and asked her to call me that night. She called and the gist of what she had to say was: I'm extremely attracted to you, you have all the qualities I'm looking for in a guy, you're too nice, you need a little more a-hole in you, I was excited about dating you at first but now I feel like I don't have the desire to see you that I should and that tells me I should end it - it needs to be exciting, we would undoubtedly have a ton of fun dating through the summer but I'm looking for a potential husband and I don't see that with you, we will definitely be friends and I really do like you, etc... . She told me a guy on her rec indoor soccer team asked her out to dinner and "she felt excited". I asked her what had happened on the Friday she stood me up for her friends and she said she thought I wasn't upset by it based on my response to her and that I needed to "demand respect" in situations like that. And it was ridiculous - despite the fact that I was questioning how exactly we would ever be friends, she was adamantly arguing that we would. She almost wouldn't let it go...
Now I'm quite stuck. I know in my head that this girl probably isn't right for me, but I really liked her. I don't know if I should try to be her friend. I don't know if she needs time to re-evaluate everything. I don't know anything basically. I didn't really know her that long and maybe a large part of my attraction to her is the fact that she seemed so unobtainable to me the entire time I knew her (due to her schedule).
Sorry I wrote the great American novel about this situation, but I really don't know how I should approach things. I would tend to say "she's just not that into you" and call it a day, but she seemed very into me during the whole process at multiple points. I'm just afraid that I'm convincing myself that I should try to be her friend because I could then show her that her perceptions of me were incorrect and caused by her own behavior. To me, it seems as if she basically didn't feel challenged by me and interpreted the fact that I was being patient with her as me allowing her to walk all over me and me having no confidence.
Why can't I let go of her? What is wrong with me?
I first met Sarah in early January of this year. She is currently a doctor in the first year of her residency, so it was never particularly easy to meet up with her due to her busy schedule. Long story short, we didn't have our first date until the very beginning of February (a Tuesday). I didn't know too much about her before this date, but we met up for sushi and had a wonderful time. When we left, she gave me a hug and told me to call her because "we definitely should hang out again". That weekend she went out of town, so I didn't end up talking to her again until the following Monday night. At that point, we set up date number two for the following Friday. Date number two was similar to date number one in that we seemed to have an absolute ton in common. At multiple points during the date, Sarah would make comments saying how she is glad I work close to where she lives (as I live 40 miles away from her but work 10 miles away) and how it will make it easy for me to come by and see her when she doesn't have much free time. I left the date yet again with her asking "when am I going to see you again?". The following Monday was Valentine's day and I had hoped it would be then, but she informed me she had to work and it would have to be some time later in the week.
Sunday night she called me and let me know that her work schedule had changed and she no longer was busy on Monday. I asked if I could see her and she agreed. The next day, she sent me a text in the early afternoon saying "Happy Valentine's Day, I'm looking forward to seeing you tonight : )". I met her at about 7:30 and we had a spectacular dinner and a great time together. It was once again a night full of discussions of things we would be doing together in the future and her letting me know how she was very happy. I walked her back to her apartment and was invited in to "get out of the cold before walking back to my car". To me, that was an open invitation for a first kiss, so I immediately took the chance and it was perfect. As was the norm, I got a "when am I going to see you again". This time, we planned to meet up on Thursday and if Thursday didn't work, that Saturday night we were going to hit the town with one of her best friends from college. 30 minutes after I had left her place, I received a text that said "Thanks for dinner, I had a great night :)!" I didn't talk to her on Tuesday. Wednesday I sent her a text asking if I would see her the following day to which she replied "I would love that! I'm going to a happy hour with some co-workers , would you like to join?" I jumped at the opportunity and met her at 7:30 the next day. It was somewhat of an awkward night as she and her friends talked about medical related topics the entire time and I didn't have much to add. Either way, we left at 10pm and I walked her to her car. She apologized for the discussion and told me that her brother won't even go out with her and that group of friends anymore because of that very reason. She then asked me if I was still planning on going out with her on Saturday and told me that it might end up being a "girl's night out" in which case I would just see her on Monday instead. I kissed her good night and we both went home. This is where things changed drastically...
Saturday evening she called me and asked if I was going to come out with them. She let me know that I was more than welcome to come, but it was going to be a group of 6 girls going to a club so I might want to invite some people. Otherwise, she said she was off on Monday and we could definitely hang out then. She also said she might try to go out a little early a meet up with me for a drink before she saw her friends. I told her I needed to call some friends and see if anyone didn't have plans yet and that I would call her back. I called her back 45 minutes later intending to let her know that I only had found one free person and I would just see her on Monday. She didn't call back so I texted her an hour later to give her the news. Once again, I didn't hear back. The next night, I called her to figure out what we were doing Monday night. She neither answered nor responded and, long story short, I didn't see her on Monday. I tried calling again the following Thursday and got the same treatment. At this point, I had convinced myself that she obviously had changed her mind or something and that it wasn't worth continuing to try. In a moment of weakness on Saturday, I sent her a text asking her if everything was all right and asking her to please call me. 30 minutes later, my phone rang and it was Sarah on the other line. She apologized for the previous week, came up with some sob story about drinking too much, losing her credit card and phone (I later found out she didn't actually lose her phone) and asking me if I wanted to come over on Monday night to have dinner with her as a "peace offering". I accepted, went over, and once again had a great time - it was as if the previous week hadn't happened. I was going out of town the following weekend and she asked me "will I see you again before you go to New Orleans?" We left it at a maybe and I went home again thinking that I was going crazy. I attempted to see her Wednesday night, but we couldn't make it work. Thursday, the night before I left for Louisiana, she sent me a text "Have a great time in New Orleans! I'll be thinking of you!".
I left for my trip and didn't talk to her much other than a couple of texts back and forth. The following Tuesday, the day before I was to return, I sent her a text asking when I could see her? She said she wasn't sure and asked me to call her when I got back. I called her Wednesday night and once again, she didn't answer. She responded via text the following night, telling me she'd call me the next day. When she finally called me, she made plans to stop by my apartment on Saturday after she went house shopping. I waited around to hear from her and then she texted me right around when she was supposed to stop by and basically told me that she found a place and due to paperwork and such, wouldn't be able to see me that day. I was going to be near where she lived on Sunday, so I tried to make plans to see her then. After another day of stuff coming up, I once again was unable to see her. She called me later that night and led the conversation with this gem: "I have to offer you an out". Essentially the conversation consisted of her informing me how she is absurdly busy and how her life isn't going to change in the short term. She couldn't promise to see me more than every week or so. She said she's not dating anyone else and she is the busiest she's ever been in her life. She wanted to ensure I was OK with that if we were to continue dating. Stupidly, I said I was despite the fact that I am not known to be overly patient.
Skipping over some non-essential details, we had tentative plans to potentially see each other for a little while on St Patrick's Day and then spend a lot of time together on the next day, a Friday. I didn't end up seeing her on Thursday because she went out with friends first and drank a little much and then Friday, she called me at 5pm to tell me she was exhausted and wouldn't be able to see me that day. She said she'd come by the following day though and we would hang out for sure. I heard from her that Saturday at about 10:30am and she let me know she was having breakfast and then would come over. She eventually got there at about 2pm. We hung out for a couple of hours and once again had a great time. One thing led to another and before I knew it, she was leading me to my bedroom and we slept together. After this happened, she basically told me that she didn't really know if I liked her up to that point, that I wasn't overly aggressive with her, and that she didn't want me to be dating other people now that we had hit that point. She had to leave shortly after but told me she might come back later that night.
She didn't end up coming back, but called me the next day and told me that it wasn't like her to do what she had done the previous day but she didn't regret it and had enjoyed it. She told me she really liked me and talked about how we could now start spending the night over each other's apartments. I didn't talk to her much other than a few texts back and forth until the following Thursday. That night, she called me and asked me if I wanted to go down to Washington DC to see the cherry blossoms the next day. I said yes and she said she'd call me after work the next day so we could meet up. She called at 4pm on Friday to basically tell me that something had come up but I was welcome to come down to Arlington, VA with her instead (she already had plans to meet a friend down there). I said yes yet again and she told me she'd call me a few hours later. The rest summarizes the rest of the night: I got a text at 8pm telling me she hadn't left yet but plans had fallen through again and she didn't know what she was going to do that night. She was going to see what her other friends were doing. I sent her a text at 9pm asking if she had any updates and got no response. I called her at 10pm and she didn't answer. She sent a text back at 10:05pm telling me she had to go pick some of her coworkers up that called her to come out. I asked if I would see her that night. She responded at 10:30 saying "Ummm....I think we're probably going to make it a girls night, sorry." Stupidly, I responded saying "No need to apologize, have a good night!" despite the fact she ruined my Friday. I didn't talk to her again that weekend.
Monday, I sent her a text in the morning asking how her weekend went and if she wanted to go to a hockey game with me the following night? She responded telling me that she would love to go and was looking forward to seeing me. I picked her up the next night at 5pm and we went to the game and, from what I could tell, had a great time yet again. I took her back to her place and spent the night (though we didn't have sex). I sent her a text that Thursday night asking if she wanted to see the cherry blossoms on Sunday with me (her off day). She responded that it depends on her Saturday work day and she would let me know. Long story short once again, I didn't hear back from her and found out she went to the cherry blossom festival on Sunday without me. Monday morning, I stupidly sent her another text asking how her weekend was and if I could see her sometime early in the week. An hour later, I got this gem back: "Listen, sorry I haven't responded. I've been thinking and you should know I really do like you as a friend but I'm not interested in dating you right now." I asked if she was really going to end up via text and asked her to call me that night. She called and the gist of what she had to say was: I'm extremely attracted to you, you have all the qualities I'm looking for in a guy, you're too nice, you need a little more a-hole in you, I was excited about dating you at first but now I feel like I don't have the desire to see you that I should and that tells me I should end it - it needs to be exciting, we would undoubtedly have a ton of fun dating through the summer but I'm looking for a potential husband and I don't see that with you, we will definitely be friends and I really do like you, etc... . She told me a guy on her rec indoor soccer team asked her out to dinner and "she felt excited". I asked her what had happened on the Friday she stood me up for her friends and she said she thought I wasn't upset by it based on my response to her and that I needed to "demand respect" in situations like that. And it was ridiculous - despite the fact that I was questioning how exactly we would ever be friends, she was adamantly arguing that we would. She almost wouldn't let it go...
Now I'm quite stuck. I know in my head that this girl probably isn't right for me, but I really liked her. I don't know if I should try to be her friend. I don't know if she needs time to re-evaluate everything. I don't know anything basically. I didn't really know her that long and maybe a large part of my attraction to her is the fact that she seemed so unobtainable to me the entire time I knew her (due to her schedule).
Sorry I wrote the great American novel about this situation, but I really don't know how I should approach things. I would tend to say "she's just not that into you" and call it a day, but she seemed very into me during the whole process at multiple points. I'm just afraid that I'm convincing myself that I should try to be her friend because I could then show her that her perceptions of me were incorrect and caused by her own behavior. To me, it seems as if she basically didn't feel challenged by me and interpreted the fact that I was being patient with her as me allowing her to walk all over me and me having no confidence.
Why can't I let go of her? What is wrong with me?