I'm a woman in a hetero Relationship and I have kids.
I came out to my partner, didn't take it well at all started mocking at any lesbian, gay... even became very hurtful, hostile and verbal abusive creating my children to believe any kind of homophobia non sense that he was saying. I'm not saying he is a bad person... is just afraid and close minded. When doesn't have nothing to do with all this is a very enjoyable person.
He keeps telling me to keep quiet and stop defending ""that kind of people"".
I'm worry about mainly my younger one who started laughing at his""jokes"".
I came out with my older child several times and progressively as the first/second time was a disaster but she start coming around and now she is more relax about it.

About 3 o 4 years ago I started growing feelings for a woman friend. At the start I straggle to understand if what I was feeling was just a love for a friend but the feelings started becoming more intense even more when she decided to change her attitude towards me and became colder and more distanced (that happened when she invited me to life with her after I was having problems with my house and I told her it wasn't good idea).
I found myself sexually and romantically fantasizing about her (I started even imaging myself being in a Relationship with her) and to be honest becoming obsessed about it. Started accepting my homosexual or bisexual tendencies and getting used (but I was and still not sure were to fit).

We had some problems as friends (I do not want to blame anyone) but decided the best thing was to have some space between us. I felt very hurt, but I continuing embracing myself and my feelings( in secret because if I saw anything or showing some interest in a woman or any material that was about lgbt my partner became angry and make the atmosphere not pleasant at all).
I started feeling really frustrated as I didn't have anyone to speak about all this without judging me.
I tried to give few of my friends some clues about my orientation, they seems to take it ok. On the surface but I found out that they became more physically distanced and every time I asked them to meet them she tells me she is busy or something came out. So I decided not to tell the rest.

I started getting angry about myself, started listening to all my partner's the crap language (sorry the language), started becoming feeling lost and started rejecting the idea about myself. I started getting angry about other girls too( the one who found themselves happy in their hetero relationship, the single for being able what they wanted but I mainly was angry about Lesbian/bisexual couples( I recognize that most of the time I felt jealous of them).

I thought “that's it, I'm done with and focus about my family and carry on a ("normal") life and relationship".

Anyway... it's been nearly half year since I had contact with this old friend (the one I felt something for). The other day we met each other in the Street; she came to me quite friendly and embraced me like when we met. She looked like she missed me but I was reluctant because how we ended last time. Something make me go back in time and those feelings I thought that they were gone, I started having some of those feelings again. I find myself fighting them though.

I very confused who I am, what I want...


I only know I'm afraid to change and I guess I chose the more stable position, non risky and easy position.

It's good to express anything of this even if is only by writing.

Not sure what to do. I just want to do the right thing and make myself feel better without affecting others( but mainly my kids and I guess my partner that I still care).
It feels like a mental battle.

First and foremost, you do not act on feelings for another person while you are in a relationship with someone else.

It sounds to me like you are confused and the relationship you are in now is not doing anything to help end that confusion. Actually, it sounds like it is hurting you, your children and your relationship with your children. Is he their father?

Why are you still in this relationship? It doesn't sound like you have the same feelings for him that he has for you. If he isn't their father then he has no business raising your children on his beliefs. If he is their father, then you have to work together, but NO parent should ever encourage the children to disregard the other parent's feelings or beliefs.

Honestly, I wouldn't be with someone who told me to keep my opinions to myself and 'stop defending' anyone.

Quite frankly, I think you need to be on your own (with your children of course) to work through your feelings and figure out what you need and want. There are several Gay, Lesbian, Bi, and Transsexual support groups and sites where you can get more information in an emotionally safer setting.

It may not be easy and it will hurt, but you are already hurting and it isn't getting better. In the end you have to decide what is best for you and your children even if it means hurting someone's (your boyfriend) feelings who is already hurting you.