I am married now and my husband is not an old friend. He doesn't know me as I was. He probably doubts my value. He knows he's not my first. Hes my 5th but in my heart he's my 1st and I feel bad not regretting losing my virginity to the person I did because I thought I was in love I was blinded because he didn't love me but when I lost it, it was in the middle of a suicide attempt I wasn't planning to live after. But my point is he keeps throwing it back in my face that I love him I should have stayed with him but that was a high school love type of thing. But I don't regret it because I got raped after by two different guys I prefer it to be someone I thought I was in love with than a rapist. Its as if he's saying he'd prefer my 1st to be a rapist. If you're counting that's 3 now and the 4th one was a boyfriend that went to jail we wrote a lot and I was just desperate to feel loved I believed him every time he said he loved me. He came out of jail and said well I'm his girl where else is he going to get it from and felt pressured and he wanted a family and I realized I didn't love him and he tried to and I was pulling away and said no I can't I don't love you and I started crying so he got off mad and said I was in love with someone else that's right around the time I met my husband I was talking to him and clearly I felt we clicked immediately and didn't want to be with my boyfriend any more and this is when my boyfriend pulls that I want to have a baby thing and I realized I didn't love him and cut him off immediately. I love my husband with all my heart and if I would have known I wasn't going to be able to commit suicide and knew I was going to get raped(I would have changed the situation) I would have truly waited for him.

Plus someone that I knew from school had the nerve to tell him Ive gone "downtown" on someone. I was a crazy fighting and drinking girl but I was never really into that guys stuff I may have appeared to be tough on the outside but I was shy and scared of getting hurt so I stayed away from being intimate with boys plus I had more boys that were friends than girls, girls are to dramatic and fake, guys spoke the truth, id hear what they'd say about they're dumb girlfriends...

you'd think then that maybe I would have been able to wait... I don't know, it kind of hurts me because I worked so hard on keeping my image and pushing on respect everyone knew not to disrespect me or else... Then I end up with someone that knows nothing about me and q's my value, I think by what he's said in the middle of arguments that I'm just a b****

it hurts and I sometimes think it was a mistake getting with him... But I love him with all my heart.

Ive left all my friends and going out, when I met him(he didn't ask me) I just did, don't know why but I did I wanted to start a family and just wanted to leave everything else behind??

my family comes 1st but I'm the last on his list

1.his kids
2.mom
3.dad
4. nephews & nieces
5.sister
6.brother
7.friends
8.happiness
9.freedom
10, 11, 12,. and then me

Sorry you have found such a hard to deal with partner, and maybe you are better off without him. As much as you love him, he doesn't seem to be as in love as you are.

I would like to ask your culture if it is OK? I would be better equipped to answer your question if I could know what your race, religion, and culture and traditions are.

We are Hispanic , no religion, I grew up as catholic and when I met him we became Christians now we are just fallen Christians if you know what I mean(we don't go to church at all anymore) he's a in Spanish you call them machista's, in English I guess sexist where he's the man and I can't question the man he just does what he does and as a lady I just need to be quiet and respect him no matter what he does.

Firstly, you are not a fallen Christian because you do not attend church anymore. You can be committed to God without having to be committed to a church.

Why did you marry your husband? Did you date him for awhile before getting married or was it fairly quick? Do you think you married him because it was what was expected, or to try and distance yourself from your past? Does he have passed relationships as well?

You can't change your past, and only you can resolve yourself of the guilt you feel. Yes, it may have been nice to marry first and then lose your virginity, but what's done is done. You made the choices you did for what you felt at the time.

Has your husband always been this way or is it recent? Have you spoken to him about how you are feeling? If not, then you need to do so. Find a time when things are quiet and you will have no interruptions. Let him know that you love him and want to build a stronger relationship with him, where you both have your needs met and you both feel respected and cared for. Write it in a letter to him if that would be easier. He may be defensive at first, but his response after he has time to think about things will let you know whether he would be willing to work with you to make your marriage better.

Well we dated for a while moved in together and felt like we completed each other we considered ourselves as husband and wife as that is how we always referred ourselves. Then we got married 5 years after. Family and friends always warned me about that side of him but that side never came out towards me ever until one time and then that was it he does it all the time.

He not the type to sit down and talk about his feelings he finds his way around the situation or just walks away like always.

But when I tell him I have strong feelings of leaving him he says I cant. He loves me and wouldn't last 2 days without me but that's the closest to him talking about his feelings he can get.
But I feel words are just words and actions are much louder.

If I were you I would just tell the husband that you can't change the past - he knew you weren't a virgin when you married him, and he married you anyway. So, the issue is over. You're his now, and loyal and faithful to him. If he cannot love and cherish you, which is the promise he made in front of God and everyone, because you were not a virgin when you married, his vows were a lie and you need to move on without him.

Let him know that if you do not feel loved and cherished, you are leaving. You are not apologizing for your past, nor asking him to apologize for his - I doubt very much he was a virgin, either. If he can move past the virginity issue, insist on a second condition of marriage counseling, and if he's not willing to go with a good attitude to seriously work on making your marriage a priority, leave him.

No sense dragging a dead marriage through life - there are people who don't have these rediculously outdated views, including in latin cutures - you don't have to tolerate this garbage.

I'd ask him how he thinks you can change your past. Then I'd never speak about it again.

(I was the victim of adult rape. I can't imagine being raped twice. How are you coping with that? Do you trust your husband?)

I never had. Sometimes we have to stop making love because something he does sparks a reminder of the situation and I start busting out in tears. Trust him how with our kids or trust him with my heart (love wise) or like trust him in what sense