Hi guys!
Let me give a little background. My husband and I started playing this online game 2 years ago. We enjoyed playing it together, it was one of our bonding moments. Then I got a full-time job and my mom was diagnosed with cancer and needed treatments so she moved in with us. I quit playing the game because I had so many things on my mind but he kept on playing.
It did not bother me much except when he spends all his time there. It didn't bother me too that he was flirting with another girl (we played with her before and she knows we are married in real life). They got married in game to be able to do a married quests and the flirting got a little stronger. Even that did not bother me because I know that's how he is when he plays and he's open about it and I even help him with what to reply. Until I was home one day and was "training" his character and I text him that the girl was on and I said hi to her and had small talk (which I did many times with no problems). He got paranoid that I was going to fight with her and he told me to just log off. Starting that day, I felt like this game has gone between us. I never gave him any reason for him to think that I will "ruin" his game because I know if I fight with that girl (I had no intention to), she might not help him with his quests and the stuff he needs. But he said he got paranoid because his exes before would put themselves in the middle of something he liked to do.

We have been fighting on and off for a month (me starting to resent the game and everything about it because of how he acted, making me feel that he and his game were on one corner and me on the other). Even though I know I was being irrational (I know 100% the flirting is harmless and he even cut back on that, he spends less time playing when I'm home so he can spend more time with me) I cannot help but feel that way. So he said he will just quit because he doesn't want it to come between us. He did quit and we went on a weekend vacation away and it was great. But when we got home, he was more distant. I think maybe he's just a little depressed that he can't play/relax there anymore. But I have a fear that he hates me for being the reason that he quit. He did tell me that honestly, he will probably feel some resentment towards me but that I just need to give him time. However, he's the kind of person who harbors grudges for a long time, I've seen it when he deals with other people.

I know I need to give him some space so he can get over the loss of his hobby but I have this fear that if I don't constantly give him attention I will lose him. But I know that he will feel smothered or suffocated if I do that. I'm kind of uncertain about what to do now. He's not acting out like going drinking or anything like that, he is just quiet at home and not like his usual lighthearted self. I need your opinions please because I'm dying inside right now, torn about what to do. We have only been married 2.5 years but together for almost 7 years. I love him so much and I told him to even start playing again but he doesn't want to because he doesn't want to fight again.

After two years of playing the game, 100% of his free time as you said, life changed in your house. Your mother needed care in your home, and you naturally had more important things to do than sit on the computer playing a game. You also started working, and have far less leisure time all the way around.

Does he work?

While you faced your responsibilities, he did not help you much if his game was more important than real life. I'm sure while you he were playing, at least some of your arguments must have been about him helping out and tuning into real life.

But, he did quit. The point of that is, for a greater purpose right? Is he helping out more and being more productive off-line? Or is he just pouting and resentful that you took his game away from him. What does he need more time for, to just get over it?

How much time does one need to know that his wife is their first priority, not his second or third behind their online 'wife' and the game. If you were to put the time he spent online, instead to a bar with his buddies for the same amount of time each day, clearly his priorities were out of whack.

He needs to put his big boy pants on and be a husband. A real husband. And let the online wife find another husband to play with.

I hope you stick to your guns about this. For you to finally get what you want and need (attention and time together for the sake of your marriage), and because he's miserable about it, why tell him he can resume the game- isn't that a big step backwards?

Thank you for your reply Jake. I guess you could say that for him to play again that would be a step backward. However, while we have been fighting, he did cut back on his playing and the flirting. Even before that, he is responsible about getting bills paid and going to work. As for doing errands and spending time with me, sometimes I have to tell him to do it, he doesn't have the initiative since his mind is in the game most of the time.Sometimes I blame myself that he's depressed because he lost his hobby. He was already doing everything I asked with the cutting back but somehow I had begun to look at the game as the enemy and I begin to get emotional every time I see him there with her even if I know that nothing's going on. And that later became the reason of our fights, not anymore about him not spending time with me or being online all day.

We've been playing that game since we were married. This is the first time that he ever quit and I hate to think that now that we don't have that game, we have no idea how to be "married" anymore. I hope I'm making sense with this, I kind of don't know how to explain. You could say this is such a big change in our married life.

Being married is about to adjusting to the changes life throws at us and being willing to work together to resolve issues that confront us. This is but a glitch, a test to see how well you work together.

COMPROMISE, since you admit you are a bit unreasonable, and he may be a bit obsessed. Meet in the middle through some honest communications. But wait until he is over hissy hissy fit the big baby.

It's a challenge, but what's life without challenges? In the end, it will make you stronger, if you don't let it be a wedge.


I cannot help but feel that way

We can't help the feelings we have but, we can help what we do about them.

You know there was nothing going on, but there was... not in the sense of cheating, but of his attention being elsewhere and with another female. If he had been playing the game with a guy friend, I bet it wouldn't have been quite as bothersome, would it?

Best not to initiate his returning to that particular game. There is no sense in taking the chance of stirring up those feelings again. One side of your brain may feel it is just in fun, but the other side will continue to be bugged by it, and for what purpose? It's a game he's giving up, but it makes you uncomfortable... he can find another hobby.

Why not discover a new hobby you can enjoy together? Try something you both have been wanting to try, or rediscover something you used to do for fun.