I was diagnosed and treated for depression for 22 years. I always fought it-saying that I was just so tired that I was depressed. "They"(docs)kept saying that I was "tired" because I had depression and that was a symptom! FINALLY... they listened to me and did sleep studies and found that I had... insomnia(opposed to what I had thought insomnia was-but a version where I fell asleep easily but did not stay asleep. I wake at least 19 times an hour),sleep apnea(prob because I don't STAY asleep-but oxygen deprived), and borderline Narcolepsy. Ok... now I've fulfilled the burden of clinical details!

I've been with a man for about 19 years now-on and off. We've had more problems in staying together than necessary! A little more than a year ago we got "back" together after two years apart. He is THE love of my life(the ONLY ONE I will ever truly be IN love with). And I've always believed(and he has always contended) that I am his. He has a negativity issue! <Truth>. I have always been susceptible to negativity, but in the last year through a near death medical incident(when I was apart from him), realized and changed my thought patterns and total outlook on life! While we were apart I had no hope for love and was easily pulled into a lifestyle that did not match my moral standards previously. But since I felt I'd lost all moral hope-I had none! Self-loathing,disgust,and guilt brought me to my senses and I aborted the scene I'd been involved with and a few months later, my BELOVED and I were reacquainted.
I believed TRUTH(lol)and honesty was the only way to make things work and build a foundation from that would prevail over ALL ELSE! I was wrong-at least I was made to feel that it was a mistake-by divulging all the truth in what I'd done(it is a small town though-it could never have been hidden forever). What began as a passionate reuniting turned to submissiveness in order to give peace to a soul I love dearly.
A month ago I was happier than I've EVER been! So completely in love and absolutely adoring of my man and our life! He works on the road,away weeks at a time sometimes. He came home last month only to inform me that he is "unhappy!" The reason he stated-I won't get into for fear of it's declaration being evident of our identities. However, I have spent almost every minute of my time in rectifying the issues. Not that I am obligated or even responsible for providing the solution but am willing to give every effort to prove myself, my dedication and love. Because I've already given all that and more, I find myself unable to "fix" the problem. Because of my past when apart from him, I have secluded myself from everyone but him. This did not help prove my dedication but only gave him the ammunition to hurt me whenever his confidence failed and needed superiority and control. You must understand that I am intelligent enough to realize the control factor that I gave and is commonly abused my many. The contrary factor is that I know his family, his upraising, roots... etc... I absolutely know that I give him more credit than anyone else EVER has, but that's exactly the problem. I do care more about his feelings than my own because I know there is NO-ONE else who will give it to him. I know he is "mentally/emotionally abusing" me but I can honestly say that I don't think he realizes what he is doing. Please understand that I have been studying criminal justice/negotiation/advocacy(for some time)... so, I do know what MOST people will think upon reading...
Ok, so I've given as much detail as I possibly can at this point... the problem now is...

... since "he" told me about his "unhappiness"... my (never before felt)happiness took a dive that I cannot seem to surface from.. I am spending more hours a day than humanly possible to endure for an indefinite period of time-trying to solve what I can. He has begun to use my admissions of previous moral wrongs against me in arguments, grown cold in our correspondence(remember we are absent from one another for weeks at times-our connectivity is VITAL!! )
So, here is the REAL issue (but I must say that being objective enough to give all details has curbed the initial scare(today)... ) In all the years I was treated for depression (22) and though they were wrong about my complaint-I did deal with the depression. Yes, I'd thought about suicide. But not in a REAL sense. I always just wished to be able to "go to sleep"... forget about **** and awake another day...
For the past three weeks I've had to "debate" myself, every single day-not to just... "go." I'm starting to run out of excuses for hope. I'm not really sure if I'm afraid because I have no one to tell or if I'm afraid because I fit the profile I never thought I'd actually be. I just need another thing to work on that I haven't thought of, please? I can't think of anything else and I'm wearing very thin. Please don't say meds-I've already done all that and only ended up worse for wear.

Are you in therapy?
If not I would advice you to start-you need to talk to someone on an ongoing basis.

Looking in from the outside,I can only wonder why you are so desperate to 'save' this man?

He is indeed verbally and mentally abusing you and it seems you're doing our best to allow ourself to be his doormat.

You must be able to see how unhealthy a relationship this is.

For the record,your depression may well have started before the two of you got together,but has being in this on/off relationship added to your feelings of depression?

I would say yes,it has.

We all deserve to be in mutually respectful and supporting relationships.

What you are describing sounds like a nightmare.

I wish you would get help,so that you can learn to love and respect yourself,rather than hoping against hope that if you can,by some miracle,get this man to love and respect you for who you are,everthing's going to fall into place.

Life and love doesn't work that way.

Let go of this fellow and get a rich happy life without him. I think that's been the whole problem from the outset. You have wrapped your whole being around another flawed human, and don't know how to let go and take care of yourself, for all your training and intelligence.

I have seen the same behavior in drug addicts, they cannot let go, and make many excuses why they can't, when their solution is simple.

Stop fighting for your feel good, rebuild, and regroup. Not being harsh, but you have probably tried everything and nothing has worked.

What works is leaving the things you cannot control, ALONE (him), and control the things you can (you).

You are looking for love and happiness, and validation in the wrong places, look in the mirror, and be good to yourself, and stop blaming yourself. People like you have a lot of love to spread, and really do want to, if you get beyond the silly idea that you are giving it to someone who doesn't deserve it, nor can they return it. That's frustrating.

Let go, so you can stop the giving and learn to share, and be appreciated. You cannot be happy just by giving and you have made this person your life, and that includes his problems and issues.

Let some one guide you to a better place, of sharing and caring without the using and abusing because its clear you are having the life sucked right out of you.

Sorry for the generic advice, but its easy to see you keep running head first into a brick wall. Stop making this fellow the whole reason to be alive, no one can take that responsibility, let others into your life who are healthy, and happy.

I can relate to this because I wasted twenty five years of my life in a relationship with an emotionally abusive person. No, I did not leave him willingly. I had a family emergency, and was away from him for six months. While I was away I realized how peaceful my life was without his negativity, and insults. I started to heal, and to see that he was the cause of my unhappiness. Mind you, I did love him, and still do. When I told him what I really thought about him, he said that I deserved the treatment he gave me. Believe it or not, I finally decided to leave him after watching Thelma & Louise. One line in that movie changed my outlook on love, and relationships. It was, "Thelma, you get what you settle for." I realized that I had settled for an emotionally handicapped person who had kept me trapped believing that everything was my fault. What a waste of time!
You need to run, not walk, away from this man. He is toxic to you. He is used to abusing you, and you are used to the abuse. I know that you won't do that however, because you are not done making excuses for his behavior. I know, been there, done that. Get used to being miserable with him, or move on.
By the way, the last year of our relationship I was on meds for depression, on a CPAP machine for sleep apnea, and on pain killers for Fibromyalgia. I now take no meds at all, and I have never felt better! Some people can kill you slowly under the guise of being the only one who will love you. Bull! You get what you settle for girl.