I need to start by saying I take medication for depression and anxiety.. and I've been off them for a while, but I really have a hard time telling if this is truly how I feel or if its me off the meds.. but I will say that every time I'm off them.. I feel this way..

So.. I've known my husband since I was 16 - we have been together since I was 21.. and we got married this October and we are now 25.

He's not mean to me. He's not really anything. He's my friend. And we have fun sometimes.. when I'm not being ***** I guess.. but I really sometimes get depressed that this is it.. this is my life forever.

And its not like a "this is the last man ill be with" sexual thing.. (but we rarely have sex and I need to drink A LOT... ) but a "this is going to be my life every day like this - broke, fighting,, just unhappy" sort of way.

Is it possible to be a newly wed and fell ridiculously lonely?

He works from 5am-3pm I think.. it changes but he never tells me when he really starts or finishes work.. and I work 9am - 6pm.. I come home.. and he is on his computer so I go on mine.. we pretty much only talk if we are fighting or high.. to which he says I'm not a ***** when I'm high and prefers me that way.. . to be honest I like him more when I'm high too... the same way I like EVERYONE..

Who knows.. maybe its not non meds + booze and spice.. but I feel like if I'm not "on something" I just can't stand being near him. I wish I could go back 4 years and break up with him and just redo my life... travel, live somewhere else... I'm just so unhappy..

I want to talk to someone, but he says I don't need that.

Its just become the way I fight with my brother.. like we are forgetting the other's needs.. he makes me feel like if he doesn't get it/need it/ find it important/ understand it.. then its unnecessary and lame to. Maybe I'm so angry at him about these little things that I'm just so resentful.

I want a break from coming home to fighting and loneliness for a while.

I'm just afraid that walking away would be the right decision and 20 years from now I'm going to absolutely hate myself for staying. Its not that I don't like him. I just wish I wasn't married.. I don't think I'm ready to be. Its too much pressure to make it work. People date for 7, 10, 15 years and never get married and break up and find happiness..

What if this isn't meant to be.. am I really supposed to fall asleep next to my husband and dream that 10 years from now I will fall in love with someone and be happy?

First of all you are never going to be happy until you ditch the alcohol and drugs, these things pretty much equal a washed out and unhappy existence. You say you need these things but they control you. He is probably really confused... you are dealing with things he doesn't understand and when guys are unable to fix the problem, they mentally shut down. If you want a happy relationship it takes WORK... marriage isn't a vacation, it's a job and you have to work to make it work. You need to get back on the medication for anxiety and depression and OFF the alcohol and drugs or you will never be happy. Once he sees that YOU are making an effort maybe he will step up also. If he doesn't then at least you have a clear enough mind to make a decision about what is going to happen next. You will be just as unhappy in your next relationship if you get your own life figured out first and get rid of the substances that are making you unhappy.