Prisster
Mar 15, 2011, 04:31 PM
I am new to this sight and I'd appreciate any advice in how to deal with my boyfriends depression. I have been dating a man (I'll call him Mike), 45 yrs old, for 4 months now. I am 46. We really hit it off from the start. We had so much in common and shared the same dreams so much so that we joked about us being separated at birth. We were inseparable and seen each other every day. We were falling in love.
Then, unfortunately, his 23 yr old son passed away on February 5th. He is still waiting for the toxicology results to determine if it was suicide or an accidental overdose. He had told me about his son being a problem child all of his life. He was always into trouble. It got to the point where he wasn't talking to him before this happened. I know he feels guilty about not trying to help his son more but, he did everything he knew how in helping him from what I hear from his friends. I was by his side during this difficult time and he told me that he appreciated it so much. My heart was breaking for him. I told him that I am here for him and that I'm not going anywhere.
After his son's funeral though, he said he needed to reflect on his life and see where he wants his life to go and wanted to be a good role model for his other 2 kids. He understandably became depressed. He didn't see me for 4 days but text me every day several times to tell me he cared about me and that he enjoyed spending time with me, etc. He said he wanted to slow things down in our relationship and I said that was OK with me, that I just wanted to be there for him and help him through this. I didn't really know what he meant by slowing things down though.
When he started seeing me again, he was a little distant and less affectionate but I knew that he was still depressed and I didn't take it to heart. After a couple of weeks, I thought he was getting better. I was hoping that I'd be getting the man I fell in love with back soon. I miss how he used to hold my hand no matter where we were, how he looked at me with that sparkle in his eyes, how he would give me that unexpected hug, etc. So, since I thought he had pulled out of his depression, I asked him last week if he was still interested in me and wondered why he was less affectionate. I was feeling hurt and shouldn't have put it so bluntly but that's how it came out (but not in an angry way). He said that his life was full of stress right now and that he couldn't deal with this right now. I told him that I didn't want to cause him any more stress than he already has and that I was just wondering where his heart was when it came to me. I kick myself for even bringing it up now. I just thought that he was doing better and wondered where I stood in his life since our relationship is fairly new. He just didn't want to open up and talk.
We still see each other but not every day. I've been giving him his space by letting him contact me when he wants to see me and he has. So, that leads me to believe that he still cares about me. On the days we don't see each other, he still sends me texts. So, another sign he still cares. I figure that if he really didn't want to "deal with me", he'd break it off. I'm trying to be there for him because he is a great man, a great father to his kids, and a good-hearted person. I know that he doesn't have much self-esteem about himself either. Every time I complilment him by telling him how cute he is, he says he's glad that I think so but I might need my eyes checked. LOL. Anyway, from the moment I met him, it was an instant connection. We were so happy and I could tell that he loved me as much as I did him. So, leaving him is NOT something I want to do.
Now, I'm wondering what I should and shouldn't do for him. After reading some of the websites about dealing with a depressed boyfriend, I am still confused. I know that I need to give him his space and deal with this in his own way but is there anything else I can do? I don't want to push him away any further than he already is. I don't want to say or do the wrong thing to lose him. He has a lot going on in his life too that has him stressed (son's car always breaking down, his job, etc). I just don't want to say or do the wrong thing. So, any advice in how to handle his delicate emotional state would be much appreciated.
Then, unfortunately, his 23 yr old son passed away on February 5th. He is still waiting for the toxicology results to determine if it was suicide or an accidental overdose. He had told me about his son being a problem child all of his life. He was always into trouble. It got to the point where he wasn't talking to him before this happened. I know he feels guilty about not trying to help his son more but, he did everything he knew how in helping him from what I hear from his friends. I was by his side during this difficult time and he told me that he appreciated it so much. My heart was breaking for him. I told him that I am here for him and that I'm not going anywhere.
After his son's funeral though, he said he needed to reflect on his life and see where he wants his life to go and wanted to be a good role model for his other 2 kids. He understandably became depressed. He didn't see me for 4 days but text me every day several times to tell me he cared about me and that he enjoyed spending time with me, etc. He said he wanted to slow things down in our relationship and I said that was OK with me, that I just wanted to be there for him and help him through this. I didn't really know what he meant by slowing things down though.
When he started seeing me again, he was a little distant and less affectionate but I knew that he was still depressed and I didn't take it to heart. After a couple of weeks, I thought he was getting better. I was hoping that I'd be getting the man I fell in love with back soon. I miss how he used to hold my hand no matter where we were, how he looked at me with that sparkle in his eyes, how he would give me that unexpected hug, etc. So, since I thought he had pulled out of his depression, I asked him last week if he was still interested in me and wondered why he was less affectionate. I was feeling hurt and shouldn't have put it so bluntly but that's how it came out (but not in an angry way). He said that his life was full of stress right now and that he couldn't deal with this right now. I told him that I didn't want to cause him any more stress than he already has and that I was just wondering where his heart was when it came to me. I kick myself for even bringing it up now. I just thought that he was doing better and wondered where I stood in his life since our relationship is fairly new. He just didn't want to open up and talk.
We still see each other but not every day. I've been giving him his space by letting him contact me when he wants to see me and he has. So, that leads me to believe that he still cares about me. On the days we don't see each other, he still sends me texts. So, another sign he still cares. I figure that if he really didn't want to "deal with me", he'd break it off. I'm trying to be there for him because he is a great man, a great father to his kids, and a good-hearted person. I know that he doesn't have much self-esteem about himself either. Every time I complilment him by telling him how cute he is, he says he's glad that I think so but I might need my eyes checked. LOL. Anyway, from the moment I met him, it was an instant connection. We were so happy and I could tell that he loved me as much as I did him. So, leaving him is NOT something I want to do.
Now, I'm wondering what I should and shouldn't do for him. After reading some of the websites about dealing with a depressed boyfriend, I am still confused. I know that I need to give him his space and deal with this in his own way but is there anything else I can do? I don't want to push him away any further than he already is. I don't want to say or do the wrong thing to lose him. He has a lot going on in his life too that has him stressed (son's car always breaking down, his job, etc). I just don't want to say or do the wrong thing. So, any advice in how to handle his delicate emotional state would be much appreciated.